Thoughtful Thursday.....

I have these saddle bags sitting on my butt/hips area, they bother me because I have had them ever since my bedrest with Orion and I can't seem to get rid of them. I eat less, they grow, I eat more, they grow, I try walking, snowboarding, dieting, drinking gallons of water, but nothing seems to be able to remove these things off my backside. Then today I did a search on the internet, thinking maybe there's something I've missed, maybe there's a secret to removing saddlebags....what I found made me LOL because it took me back to my childhood when I used to laugh at my mother.

See mother had this suit, we all called it the "moon suit" it was some kind of almost plastic material and it was silver/grey. It was supposed to make her sweat and lose weight....mother was a chunky one and she was often making minor attempts to trim down. Perhaps she was bored of the men she already had and wanted to attract someone new, I don't know, but whatever her reason she would put on this suit and she would look like a big silver/grey blob walking around the house day and night! We all laughed at her because we knew she was hopeless! She didn't really try too hard....she sat on that big bottom whenever possible, made the kids do the housework and yardwork, and the biggest sweat she ever broke was probably when she was beating us or yelling at us or dragging us by the hair on our heads to toss us into the closet. She didn't watch what she ate, she drank straight cream in her coffee (and lots of it I might add), she was not health concious in the least bit! BUT that suit was going to fix her and if anyone touched it, oh my what a beating you would get for that offense! That was a HUGE no-no!

So when I saw that ad for a "sweat suit" I had to laugh because she was actually stupid enough to believe the hype and thought that wearing that silly looking suit around the house was going to make her lose weight! Thank goodness I know better and know that all you would lose is water and although you would lose a litttle weight when you lost that water, you would most certianly not see the truly desired results in the end!

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Speaking of my stupid mother...and yes I fully believe I have every right to call her stupid, if you don't think that's nice then go read another blog because when it comes to my mother she doesn't deserve any niceness at all! You won't find that lovey dovey I'm thankful for all my mother did for me crap here, I envy the people who can feel that way about their mothers...me I can not! I talk to older sister #3 a lot about our childhood, we help each other deal with all the crap and figure out ways to get beyond the worst of it, but when we do mention her we simply call her "The egg donor" Honestly I think I might actually start using that on here because that's all she really was, she wasn't really much of a mother at all unless you could use this definition I found just the other day on Google....seriously funny story here:

So I was trying to figure out how to describe the egg donor and how she was not much of a mother. I went to Google and typed into the search box "definition of mother" Google changed that to "define:mother" the second definition made me totally laugh out loud!

Definitions of mother on the Web:

•a woman who has given birth to a child (also used as a term of address to your mother); "the mother of three children"

•a stringy slimy substance consisting of yeast cells and bacteria; forms during fermentation and is added to cider or wine to produce vinegar

OMG I totally found the definition for my mother LMAO A stringy slimy substance...it totally cracks me up whenever I read it or think about it. I think it fits her perfectly, sounds disgusting and nasty...just like my egg donor!

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Well you be sure to have a great weekend, the warmer weather is approaching and I can get back out to walk the dog and maybe get rid of my saddlebags or at least make them a little smaller lol Have fun with your kids and try hard to not be a "mother"

I also wanted to add a couple of pictures from last weekend...one of me and Orion at the fireplace ...it's actually the same photo twice here but I liked the antique look so I'm posting it....it's my blog I'll do what I like lol The other one is just Orion but I simply love it! He is such a handsome boy if I do say so myself :)

From Blogger Pictures

Norton Security Suite I flippin HATE you

So last week my cable company sends me an e-mail telling me that they are switching the free anti-virus software and if I want to continue to have that stuff for free from them I will need to switch as well. I had McAfee and was very happy with it, but they were switching to Norton Security Suite.



I go ahead the other day and switched it over, afterall it's free so I'll take it right? Immediately when it finishes downloading I go to get on the internet and my homepage is now a Norton website...they flippin changed my homepage without my permission. OK minor inconvienence so I switch it back to what I had, no big deal. BUT then it performs a virus scan and a Definitions Update and tells me my computer has to be restarted. I restart and guess what...yep they changed my homepage back to theirs! I changed it back again, rather aggrevated but what choice do I really have??? Today I turn on my computer and when I come back in the room I go to get on the internet and guess what...they had done another Definitions update and virus scan and changed my homepage back to theirs again!!!



So I go online to the support area and they say the wait for phone support is 30 minutes but I could use chat.. so I opt for that. I open chat and put in what my issue is: "Norton changes my homepage every time it does a definitions update and I don't want that to happen. How do I change it?" I wait for the rep to come on and she asks what my issue is with the system so I type in again what happens and that I just want to know how to change that so it doesn't happen since I can't seem to find it on the Norton control panel.

Her response "I still don't see what the issue is!"

So I replied "The issue is that I don't want your program to decide what my homepage should be, I want to decide that. If this can not be changed I will simply delete your program from my computer and go buy McAfee."

So after 15 minutes of trying to explain to her my issue and why it's an issue to me, she asks if I have the free version from Comcast, to which I replied yes and she informs me that it in a different department and she needs to transfer me.

I get transfered to this person who wants to access my computer remotely so she can check my computer. I tell her there is no reason for her to do that, I simply want to know how to turn of the automatic homepage change. She then tells me to open internet explorer and that I need to reset it. I ask what that has to do with Norton and does Norton control my internet and she said yes it does. I told her I didn't want to change all my customized settings on my internet, I just wanted to stop them from changing my homepage. She tells me to open my Norton control panel. I do that and suddenly my internet is gone. She is disconnected from me, my network connection warning comes on saying I have no internet connection. Funny thing is....all 3 of the other computers in this house still have internet access only they do not have Norton yet! My computer is the only one that had been switched over yet.

My gut feeling is that I opened the Norton and she accessed my computer remotely and shut off my internet. I can't prove it, but once I deleted Norton from my computer I was suddenly able to access the internet again just fine! Coincidence??? I think not!

Honestly, I will be going out and buying the McAfee and I will be letting Comcast know my opinion on them changing to Norton without consulting with their customers or giving us the option to keep what we had.

From Blogger Pictures

Good morning

Last weekend while we were off snowboarding, hubby bought a new laptop and I have finally snagged it and am now relaxing on my couch listening to the news and typing this out at the same time! Of course the kiddo gets up and immediately is offended because I get to play with the laptop and he doesn't lol

See hubby has been home the past couple of days and he was testing out his ability to play his online game Everquest on this thing. No one has been allowed to play on it since he bought it solely for that purpose and if it wouldn't play his game well he was going to return it. I personally was hoping it would play the game so that I could play on it while he's at work hehe He's finally back to work so I get to play a little too.

I will admit that the keyboard is a lot smaller than I like and the mouse thingy in the middle of the keyboard is way too sensitive for my personal liking. It got touched by my sleeve and suddenly I have a box popped up for something, say nothing about how it somehow manages to get me set to italics without me realizing it. I guess it takes some getting used to. My guess is that I will use this more for checking e-mail and use my real computer more for posting since this thing keeps ticking me off and it's way too early in the morning for such stuff!! For instance while I'm sitting here typing suddenly I realize I have a new tab open and I'm typing into the search window and not my blog.....guess that's what I get for looking away while typing but still annoying none the less lol

Anyway, just wanted to check this new toy out and I think my initial opinion is I should save it for after my coffee.

From Blogger Pictures

504 review today

So today I had Orions 504 review. If you don't know what a 504 is, it's kind of like an Individual Education Plan (IEP) basically it's the special accommodations that he needs because of his "disability"...Orions "disability" is his ADHD. So every year, by law, his plan has to be reviewed to be sure that he still needs his special accommodations and make any changes that are needed. Hopefully when he's older he won't need a 504 but for now, this is what we need to do to ensure he succeeds at school. This is all mainly because he needs a different setting and different rules when it comes to the standardized MCAS tests.

During the MCAS testing, the regular classroom teacher is not allowed to interact with the children at all. The teacher can not redirect the child to be sure they stay on task and the kids do not get breaks to stretch or get a drink of water or anything like that. Orion really needs those breaks so that he can stretch and relax a little and he needs someone who can redirect him and get him back on task when he starts to daydream...thus the need for his 504. When it comes to testing time Orion will be moved to a classroom with a smaller group of 4 or 5 students in it. The teacher will be able to interact with him to the extent that they can talk to him and get him back on task. They will not answer any questions regarding the test itself, but they can at least keep him on task and make sure he completes the work.

I left the meeting feeling pretty good. The teacher is seeing major improvement in Orion and seeing him complete his tasks on time without too much prompting. In the morning he needs a kick in the butt to get him going but other than that he is actually working independantly and making strides towards success! Raising his meds up 5 mg and giving it to him an extra 1/2 hour early has made a huge difference in his school work and his attitude! Although we still struggle with the anger at home, he is not angry at school and not having outbursts or actively showing aggression! He is keeping his frustration inside and not exploding at the other children! THAT is a major change from last year and I was so pleased to hear it. The school social worker is going to continue to welcome him into social group so he can build more friendships and learn how to work with other children better.

From Blogger Pictures

3 day weekend...

We went up north snowboarding again, had a great time and Orion really improved drastically. Prior to this weekend he could connect his turns part of the time but was still resulting to the "falling leaf" skid on his heel edge a lot and still very much nervous about getting onto his toe edge. He kept saying it wouldn't go, that he couldn't get the board to do it when he wanted it to and he was struggling with a consistant heel, toe, heel, toe all the way down the trail without catching an edge and falling or just resulting to the skid move.



Well this weekend it clicked for him and by the end of his second day he was actually conecting his turns all the way down the trail. It's still a slow paced skidding carve, but he is not falling down. The amazing part of this was that the morning of that second day he was hit really hard....every mothers nightmare that luckily turned out ok. I had him over in the beginner area trying to get him carving more and working on getting some speed when this girl comes flying down from behind. She hit me so hard that I spun around a complete 360 degrees! If I had not been a better rider I would have been on the ground, but I kept myself up and by the time I had spun around and was facing down the mountain again Orion was about 3 1/2 to 4 feet in the air, the girl was laying on the ground down below. I just about lost it right there...I didn't care if that girl was hurt or not! Orion came down landing flat on his back crying. I was freaking out, I was literally in tears with fear and worry that he was hurt. I got down to him and he managed to sit up. He was ok, everything moved and the girl was laying there below us not really moving much. Her father came down behind us to see if we were ok and appologized for her hitting us. She was probably about 16 years old, but she was a big girl and trust me we both felt how fast she was flying. It had been her first time on ski's and she had no clue how to stop. It all turned out ok because all three of us were ok in the end, just scared and sore but nothing broken. Orion, at first didn't want to snowboard anymore after that. He was pretty shaken and upset so I took him back to the lodge where we found Dad and I had Dad give him a little pep talk and help me get him back out on the trails riding. He needed to get back out there or the fear would win. After a good hour we finally managed to get him back out there riding again, even though he was rattled a bit. I talked to him at the top of the trail and told him when he wanted to go to his toe edge all he had to do was lean forward so that his head went over his toes and the board would follow. That's all it took...he connected 30 turns in a row! We did a couple more runs after that and sure enough he connected his edges heel to toe over and over again all the way down the trail!

Day three, he did it all day long, we did about 30 runs and he didn't fall once and didn't do the "falling leaf" skid at all! He was one exhausted little boy though, but he made a huge step and I am so proud of him! Here's a video hubby managed to get of Orion finishing up that very first run after I told him to lean his head over his toes! The first part of the run is too big to attach so you don't see as much of his carving and connecting turns, but you do get to see a little of it and you get to see his awesome toe edge stop that he couldn't do at the beginning of the day!


From Blogger Pictures

1035 word post

I know it's a bit blurry, but it's my cell phone and he's fast so it took me a few tries to even get this shot! Orion bowls candlepin and has an average of 77!

From Blogger Pictures

Got news on my sister

The doctor looked at all the blood work, the MRI results and the CAT scan and has decided to order a very specific set of x-rays. The doctor no longer feels this is Parkinsons or MS, but instead thinks this is most likely a slipped disc/pinched nerve very close to the base of her skull causing all these problems. When she sleeps in a wierd angle her nerve gets pinched thus causing the back spasms, the pain, the numbness in her body etc. She had the x-rays this afternoon and will meet with the doctor again at the end of the week to discuss the results and if there is any repair!

The best part of all this, even better than it not being Parkinsons or MS, is the fact that this doctor is giving her answers and is not telling her this is all in her head or that she just needs to go see a psychiatrist!

From Blogger Pictures

Feeling a bit better....

My neck is on the mend, it doesn't hurt quite as much as it did. I can actually move it a little bit too!

Today was an awesome day for me, hubby got up early and went off on his guy snowboarding day which left me and Orion to sleep in. Orion woke up before me and asked me if I wanted to sleep a little longer before getting up to make him breakfast. It was only 8:30 so I asked if he could hold out till 9 and he agreed. He went off to play video games quietly while I slept in. 9am rolls around and he comes in asking if he can take me out to breakfast :)

Orion had been saving his money to buy himself a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) Yes, it's old school but he is fascinated with the old video gaming systems and the old Mario games! He found a website that sells them and he has been saving to buy it....but he opted to save a little longer so that he could take his mom out to breakfast! I felt pretty special watching him spend his money on me and I could tell he was pretty proud of himself, I felt like the worlds luckiest mom today!

From Blogger Pictures

Back from snowboarding...

We did take Orion up snowboarding, on Wednesday morning we were looking out the window to scenes of pouring rain here, but we knew (because of the modern technology called RADAR ) that we were heading up towards some major snowfall! 5am found us pulling out of the drive heading north!

Wednesday was an awesome day, but it was rough riding! First it was a wet snow, the kind you love to build snowmen with. Second, there was a lot of it!! There was so much snow that by 11 am there was piles everywhere and you couldn't tell that they had actually groomed the night before. It was heavy to ride in, sticky on the boards and Orion isn't that experienced of a rider so he had a hard time connecting his turns. At one point, I put too much weight on my front foot going down, I was going way too fast and went flying "ass over tea kettle" (that's how my Grammy used to phrase it) In other words, I did a major cartwheel on my snowboard, landed on my head, and knew I was gonna feel that tomorrow. It was one of those moments you wish someone with a camera had been around cause you know it was spectacular! We decided to stay the night and let them groom up that 12 to 18 inches and ride on Thursday as well.

Thursday we woke up in the hotel to pouring rain, but that modern technology called radar showed an open window over the mountain. I was a little stiff, but we opted to give it a go anyway. I kept telling hubby that 1) he had promised the boy so we had to give it a try and 2) the mountain is at a higher elevation so this rain was going to be snow. He was Mr. Pessimistic but in the end I got my "I TOLD YA SO!" It was snowing when we got up there. The lifts were frozen and they couldn't get them running for an extra hour...Orion just went out and built a snowman outside the lodge to kill some time! We finally got up on the chair and after the first couple runs I was feeling horrible! I was stiff as a board, couldn't turn my board without major pain in my neck and shoulders, so I opted to give it up for the day. I literally walked down the bottom 3rd of the trail because I was afraid of hurting myself trying to ride. Orion looked so sad and disappointed as he saw me unclick from my board and walk down, I tried to get him to go ride with Daddy, but he didn't want me to be alone in the lodge so he opted to stop and let Daddy go ride with his friend who had met us up there. He kept saying he was a bit tired, but I could tell he had more in him and he would have loved to keep riding, he's just too thoughtful of a kid to let me sit all alone in the lodge hurting. (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back when I get to the point that I can reach around there lol)

Overall, Orion had a bunch of fun. At the hotel he got to play football with a couple of boys in the pool while I sat in the hot tub. He got 2 days of riding in, he got to experience fresh snow for the first time and he got to show me what a great kid I'm raising. Me and hubby scored major brownie points for not only taking him out of school for a day of riding, but also for being unpredictable and opting to stay the night and make it a double header! We tought him the fun of being spontanious!

Yes I hurt like hell today, I have some major whiplash, can't move my neck at all without major pain. I know I'm not broken, just majorly sprained and strained with lots of pulled muscles! I can move, it just hurts to do so! I'll probably be hurting for a few days, but it was worth it in the end!

Oh and hubby got major brownie points when he realized we had NOTHING for spending the night so he found a local walmart and bought us all swimsuits, underwear, toothbrushes and toothpase and all the other needed things for spending the night at a hotel. And when I got into that $30 swimsuit he bought me and he and Orion both told me how great I looked in it...yeah I felt pretty good at that moment. As I stood looking into the full length mirror at my reflection I noticed something that had changed...I've almost completely lost my "mommy pooch" 2 years ago I was almost 200 pounds, I worked hard to lose that weight but the mommy pooch was always there. It was all loose skin and stuff and hubby kept telling me it would tighten back up but I didn't believe him...until Wednesday night as I looked into the mirror and realized he was right and damn...I did look good if I do say so myself! 123 pounds looks way better than 196!

From Blogger Pictures

Back to reality......

School vacation is finally over, Orion returns to school and I get to go back to bed once he's out the door! Of course this also means that I get to work later at night as well (thus the need to go back to bed once he's out the door)

YEAH and boo-hoo at the same time! Although it has been a challenge having him home everyday, say nothing about him being kinda sick and miserable, I also did not medicate him which makes for some big challenges! He's a wild man to say the least without meds, but he eats, and he eats, and he eats until I have no more food in the house! This is truly a good thing since the meds kill his appetite and he doesn't eat well when he's on it. If his weight doesn't go up, the meds go down. If the meds go down, his grades go down. If his grades go down, his self-esteem goes back down....and we so do not want to go there! He needs the higher dosage so we (correction I) have to deal with his wild man ways whenever possible just so he'll eat tons of food and gain some weight. He needs to continue to gain 4 to 5 pounds a year...I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it truly is when you are dealing with Adderral! On the plus side...no Mr. Moody Pants all week! I loved hearing his laughter, loved seeing him smile, loved watching him just be him! As the meds leave his body he gets exceptionally angry, so angry that a lot of parents will take their kids off the meds just to not have to deal with it any longer! It's truly bad, very hard to deal with, and generally ends up with him being closed up in his room all by himself for an hour or so every evening. I hate to do it, but the anger is even harder to deal with than the wild man that he is when he isn't medicated. The meds are good for school, not so good for home. I do not look forward to him going back to school for that very reason....I don't want to deal with the anger. But he needs school, whether he realizes it or not. He needs the socialization, the friendships that he's building. He needs to be around other kids and learn how to deal with doing things you might not truly WANT to do. He's going to have plenty of things in his grown-up life that he's going to have to do whether he wants to or not, so he needs to learn how to deal with that and do the tasks gracefully without too much fussing and complaining. Besides, mom needs the break occassionally and it is nice to just sit in a quiet house all by myself and just listen to my own breathing, the cats purring and the dog snoring at my feet. I guess back to school is bitter-sweet, a love-hate relationship, something I have to learn to deal with too.

From Blogger Pictures

It's the weekend and....

Here I sit at the computer still sniffling, still coughing and although I do "feel" better I can't get rid of this junk in my head. I went to the doctor only to be told that it's just a virus....gee thanks for nothing! She would give me nothing for this, just told me to get lots of rest (yeah right, apparently she doesn't have an ADHD child on school vacation) and the over the counter stuff should work just fine.

Orion is feeling better, still coughing a little here and there, but his sniffles have stopped and he is back to his old bouncy self.

Hubby is feeling great, off snowboarding with the guys this weekend...which I know sounds almost cruel since I love to snowboard too, but really it's nice to have one less person to care for at the moment!

We're actually expecting some good snowfall this week coming up so we're gonna be the cool parents who allows their kid to play hookie and go snowboarding in the middle of the school week....SHHH don't tell the school! On Wednesday morning we'll get him up bright and early (somewhere around 5am) and head up to the mountain for the day. It should be a really fun day and I am sure it's something Orion will remember for quite some time....I just hope he doesn't tell the kids at school about it cause we're sure to get frowned upon for such an aweful thing like actually encouraging skipping school occassionally just to have fun!

From Blogger Pictures

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Our house has had the plague I swear!

It started about 2 weeks ago with Orion and me getting a yucky head cold..icky cough, nasal congestion, dripping down the back of your throat making it hurt like the dickens kind of head cold. The kind that makes you want to chop off your head, sit it on a shelf for a week, so you can feel better kind of head cold. I started to get better, Orion got better and so we planned to go snowboarding for the "greeting card" holiday weekend. We arranged a dog sitter, packed our bags, drove 2 1/2 hours up to the hotel and had a quiet evening of swimming in the hotel pool and relaxing in the hot tub. Saturday morning Orion wakes up with fever, swollen glands and a head ache, Hubby wakes up sniffling and body aches. So we opt to not ride that day, hung out in the hotel room, bought some OTC meds and of course....give the kid motrin and he feels great! Took him down to the pool, let him play, hubby feels like death is warming over and opts to sleep in the hotel room. Sunday...hubby wakes up completely miserable and I wake up with the body aches and fever and sniffling once again....sigh! We came home instead of going snowboarding...what a waste of money! Could have stayed home and been just as miserable without spending money on the bedroom! Today is Wednesday...I'm still sniffling, still feverish and still suffering with a head cold that apparently is different from the one I had before...the one I was recovering from! Seriously I hope it ends soon cause I truly am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

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And in case you were wondering, no word on my sister yet. The doctor wants to run all tests, go over the results all together and then give her some kind of answers. Her next face to face with the doctor is March 1 and we should know more at that point. It seems crazy to me that they can't at least give her a little something after each of the tests, but apparently that's not the way this doctor works. This is the 3rd or 4th doctor my sister has been to for these symptoms, all the others have told her it's all in her head and she needs to go get therapy. But when you wake up in the morning with a back spasm so bad you can't move, then have to spend hours icing it just so you can get up to pee it can't possibly be just in your head. This happens to her often, along with twitching in her hands, head jerks, numbness down an entire side of her body, blacking out without taking drugs or drinking. Personally I can't believe how many doctors have told her it's all in her head, it just doesn't seem possible that she could make all this stuff happen to her. This doctor won't giveher any answers though until she has seen all the test results, so maybe she has a different way of thinking. The only think she will tell my sister is that she believes it is most likely Parkinson's or the beginning stages of MS.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

When I was a child I looked at the world very differently, it was all about me, me, me. My brothers and sisters were mean, they picked on me, they gave me a hard time about a lot of silly little things. They took enjoyment in my suffering when they scared me half to death on purpose. My mother and father were evil people who took enjoyment in torturing me, claiming they were raising me right when no other child (other than my siblings) were treated so poorly. No other child was beaten with a leather belt or a metal yardstick, no other child was kicked or had their hair pulled or was stuffed into a closet to sit in time-out. I was a poor pitiful little girl and all I could think was

WHY ME??

Now that I have grown up I still ask "why me?" but now it's in a different light. I understand now that my brothers and sisters were only having fun and they really meant me no harm, I was just the smallest so I was the easy target. I also realize I was not the only child getting beaten, whipped and locked in closets. I even realize that my abuse was minor compared to so many others...other children actually get killed by their parents because they are so badly beaten or shaken that they can not live any longer, their little bodies just can't take any more and give up. Who is better off?? Those that died and went to live in a better place? The ones who didn't have to suffer at their parents hands any longer? or me who lived day after day until FINALLY someone came and took me away from the nightmare and I got to live in a "normal" world where kids aren't hit but are still punished. A world where you get grounded instead of smothered with a pillow, a world where parents may yell but they never raise a fist to your face.

I like to believe it was me that was the lucky one, because even though I suffered greatly and I have emotional scars that are still gaping wounds some days, I'm still here, still alive and able to be a good mom, able to be a good wife, able to simple be!

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I'm kinda fuddled today, I spend most my days lately worrying about my sister. Older sister #2 is my bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world! She's only 3 years older than me, I was there for the birth of her first 2 children, there to help her out when they were born and there the day we both got drunk off our arses and snuck out of our foster home practically killing ourselves because we were sneaking out the second story window lol We got separated for a bit when I spoke of our past openly at school, she moved on, I moved on and facebook brought us back together. Now we text eachother daily, we talk on the phone, we facebook daily and we are tight. But I fear it may be fading, I fear I am going to lose her permanantly and it scares me. Before now, when we got separated I always had that feeling Feivel had in "American Tale" Somewhere out there, she was thinking of me and loving me and looking at the same bright star I was....but if her test results come back the way the doctors fear she will have Parkinson's Disease and our world will change drastically! I know that it may not shorten her life expectancy per say, it's not the kind of disease like cancer that will kill you faster, my grandmother had it and she was 83 when she died...but still it will change us. She eventually won't be able to text as often as she does, her speech will most likely become slurred making it harder for her to speak on the phone comfortably for hours on end, she will change and because of the fact that she is so self conscious already she will close herself up and she will fade from sight. I know her....to everyone around here she can laugh some of the symptoms off... the forgetfulness, the blanking out and not remembering part of her days. The small tremors in her hands and legs, the twitch of her head, she just laughs at it if it happens in front of others...but behind her eyes you can see it, you can read it...or at least I can. I am the one person she will be honest with about her fears, the one person she will confide in and I don't know if I am ready to handle this. My hubby hates my family with a passion, he feels whenever I talk to anyone from that branch of the tree I get depressed and I remember my past too much and I dwell on it. Besides, thinking about them only makes him think about a time in my life when I was suffering and he couldn't do anything to make it stop...not that he could of even if he was there, but he just loves me that much. So I can't really talk to him about my feelings about my sister and the fears that well up inside of me while waiting for all the different test results....and I can't really talk to her because I don't want to drag her down or make her feel badly. I fear if she knew just how scared I was of the prognosis she might stop talking to me about it and since I am the only person she'll talk to....well you see the dilemma I am in. My thinking is by posting here I will have gotten some of this off my chest and I will be able take a deep breath and figure out how to deal with all this. I need to be my sisters keeper, my sisters strong pillar, wow what a change of position this is...I'm used to needing her, not the other way around!

From Blogger Pictures

What an amazing day I just shared with my boy

Today we went snowboarding, it was our first day of spending the entire day dedicated to teaching Orion to ride! It was such an amazing day I can barely scratch the surface describing the emotions and feelings wrapped up in this one day!

First of all, we rode up with hubby but hubby had a couple of his guy friends coming up to meet him there. That way I could dedicate myself to teaching Orion and not have anyone interfering or making other suggestions (something daddy is notorious for lol) We set the rules for the day....every other run would be a lesson run and the other runs he could do whatever he wanted and just have fun. My hope was in agreeing to the fun runs he would use them to practice and try to perfect the moves......and that's exactly what happened! The first run was a fun run...get into the mode and just enjoy being out there again. The second run was a lesson. We worked on getting him onto his toe edge since he was hesitant to get there. Then the third run he had fun....etc. etc. etc. By the end of the day (21 runs later) he was connecting turns all the way down the trail! He kept saying to me "this run is a fun run and I'm not carving! I swear I'm not doing it" then sure enough he would start out doing the falling leaf but in the end he was carving and really working on the process of going heel, toe, heel, toe all the way down!

I can barely express how awesome it was to watch him learn and see the motions click. I swear it was just as overwhelming as watching him take his first steps and the amazement as he figured out he could run! It's one of those days I'll put into my memory treasure chest, a day to remember years from now! I truly can not wait to take him up next week so I can experience it all over again!

From Blogger Pictures

My ray of Sunshine

Thanks to Sweet Mama Jones for my little ray of sunshine that she gave me just in time for my birthday :) If you wanna meet a blogger that's totally down to earth and awesome, you should go meet her!



I know the deal is I'm supposed to pass it on to 12 bloggers, but I'm still a bit in the fuzzy head from celebrating my birthday yesterday so I'm only going to pass this on to 6 bloggers...but they're awesome none the less!

Now time to pass it on:
* Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

* Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
* Link the nominees within your post.
* Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

1) Crafty Mummy 2 two

2) Parenting By dummies

3) Just a Little Something

4) Coming Clean

5) Dirty Laundry

6) Sarahs Sweethearts

From Blogger Pictures

My Thoughtful Thursday....

Today is the last day for me to be 38, tomorrow morning I will turn 39. 30 years ago I turned the same age my son is, I know it has been this way for the past 9 years, but for some reason this year it has hit me stronger than ever.

Perhaps it's the fact that this is a finality for both of us this year...for Orion next birthday he will no longer be a single digit age, he's growing up and becoming a double digit! That's a pretty big deal! For me, next birthday I will turn 40....my new stage in life. I'll officially be "middle-aged" and no longer "In my 30's" That's a big deal....at least to me it is.

And so I have spent the last week or so looking back on my life. 30 years ago I never thought I would make it another 30 days, say nothing about 30 years. I've changed from that helpless little girl who felt nothing but pain and suffering every single day. I had no hope of a future, no hope of survival, I constantly feared what would come and if I would survive to escape.

Perhaps it's the way Orion sees the world now, the way he's understanding more and looking forward to his life as an adult more than ever before. He's coming into his own, he's now figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up with a purpose, not just on the whim of what he likes this week. He's no longer looking to be an astronaut so that he can go into space and catch me a wishing star so that all my dreams can come true...that's why he wanted to be an astronaut when he was 2. Now he wants to be a science teacher because he loves science and wants to share it with other kids. He wants to teach it and watch others discover the magical world of science. I guess in a way I am jealous.

I'm jealous of my own son, is that bad? Is that wrong? I would have given anything to be able to dream big like that, to be able to actually see myself as someone amazing! I didn't have the chance to dream big and actually imagine myself as anything because I couldn't imagine living through the week. With a mother who threatened to kill me, a mother who daily reminded me that I should've been a little yellow pill, that I shouldn't of been born at all.....how can anyone dream with that hanging over their heads on a daily basis? I certianly couldn't, I just wanted to be a better mother than mine was to me...if I survived that long. Don't get me wrong, I would never want my son to ever even think about feeling that way and I'm not jealous to the extent of wishing he could suffer for even one second of a day, I'm just jealous because I never had that chance. It was taken away from me and I didn't even fully realize it was missing until I had a nine year old child of my own starting to really dream with a purpose. That's when I really realized it was missing, that's when it became real.

But then I look at my last 30 years and I realize that one thing is certian...one thing is real...I AM a better mother than her! At least I had that one dream, maybe that one dream was enough to get me through, enough to make sure I survived and strived, enough to make me the mother I am today. I've fed my childs dreams, helped him grow into the young man he is today. A young man I can be proud of.

And speaking of pride....yesterday Orions teacher sent home a note to let me know how Orion has been doing on his higher dosage of meds. I want to share two points she wrote:

"Recently, our afternoon paraprofessional was abscent. There was a substitute in that had spent some time in Orion's class last year. She went out of her way to comment on how much more self-sufficient he is and what a nice attitude he has this year."

and

"Thank you for helping Orion with his writing at home. I've been very impressed with the result! Did he tell you that with his permission I used his "Favorite Place" writing as an example of how to write great transistions?"

Orion has been struggling with his writing so I started really helping him here at home. They have to write these 5 paragraph essays on a given topic so I have been doing it with him at home. Basically I get the ideas from him, have him tell me what he would like to write and then I tell him how to better word it and he puts it on the paper the way he decides sounds best. He's very quickly getting to the point where he needs very little redirection as far as rewording it, I just have to teach him now where to add more detail and make the story really interesting. The more details the better, I always thought, apparently the teacher thinks so too.

The comment that tugged at my heart the most was the first one...Orion is happy at school. He has a good attitude and he's showing that he can be on his own. Someone saw the change and pointed it out, that makes me so happy it's really the best birthday present so far! To know my son is turning into a kid who is self-sufficient and has a good attitude shows me that I did it...I've already succeeded! I would not have been described as that 30 years ago, I would have been described as withdrawn, sullen, and overly shy.

Tomorrow I turn 39, the end of my 30's, the beginning of another chapter...I wonder if I'll feel as good about my life at the end of this one as I do right now. Like my new ribbon says:

"I am a survivor, NOT a victim!"

~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone....I'm taking it off so I can enjoy my birthday weekend with my family :)

As for the thought of the week....I have 3 simple words: HOPE, DREAM, BELIEVE

From Blogger Pictures

My poor little guy :(

He was horsing around in the kitchen in his sock-feet and he slipped....crash, bang, boom sprained his wrist. He's all wrapped up in an ace bandage, received motrin before bed and he's sleeping somewhat peacefully. Poor little guy, wasn't worried about whether or not he had broken anything, just whether or not he would be able to go snowboarding next weekend! Gotta love kids priorities lol

From Blogger Pictures

Why I don't write a book...sorry if this is long

I've had a lot of people ask me why I don't write a book about my past...even SMJ posted a comment about it in my last post. Honestly I have a few different reasons and here they are

For one, I feel like my brain is a big jumbled mess and I can never seem to keep an organized line of thought. I have mentioned before how I feel like I have some form of multiple personality thing going on where memories are locked away, protecting me from my own nightmares. The brain is an amazing thing and although I have never shown signs of a true multiple personality disorder I personally know that I have what I like to call zones. I do not go back into that little girl zone much anymore, but yell at me the right way, even playfully lift a hand toward me and I will slip back there and hide in a corner like a scared child...LITERALLY! I have curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen just last year when hubby and I were arguing over something stupid. He didn't raise his hand, he just said some words that were mean and hurtful (as people aften do when they are arguing) and it was the exact words I had heard my mother say before she hit me. I immediately fell to the floor, crawled into the corner and bawled like a little baby. It ended our fight immediately but it was seriously a sad sad moment! I was pathetic....30 years later she still haunts me with simple words!

So no I can't get myself together enough to write a book because I can't get it all together right.

Second, I have a couple of my siblings that I am still in contact with. Older sister #2 will comment to me on Facebook at least once a month and older sister #3 is in constant contact with me. We text on the phone almost daily, we post on each others facebook walls all the time and we talk on the phone when our work schedules don't clash (which isn't very often since we work opposite hours) Anyway, these sisters of mine are not as open about our life as I am, they would rather just move forward and forget the past. They often tell me that I seem to embrace the past like it's a purple heart of bravery. They don't even like that I post Thoughtful Thursdays because they worry that someday it will link back to them somehow and people will find out what they came from. The last time I mentioned writing a book they flipped right out. That is why I only use numbers for them here on my blog, because they do not want their names used in any manner shape or form. I just don't want the hassle or the fight and I certianly do not want them to stop talking to me again. That's already happened once when I was in high school, again in college all over papers that I had written as class assignments.

See in high school, in my senior year, our english assignment was to write a paper on something we felt very strongly about and it had to be something that not only could we support in fact but also could apply personal experience. I wrote my paper on helping victims of incest. I supported my paper with the statistics that were out there and then I also added my own personal experience. When I had to give my oral report I stood in front of the class, asked them to close their eyes while I painted a picture in their minds. I read from my paper my story....from my point of view...it was the scariest thing I had ever done. I painted a picture of horror for them and no one in that class ever loked at me the same since. That teacher was the first person who told me I needed to write a book. BUT that was the day my siblings got mad because now others knew that I had been a victim. I hadn't mentioned them at all, but they were sure that now everyone knew their dirty laundry and they hated me for it. We didn't talk much for a year or so, they forgot it and we made up as sisters often do. Then in college for my psychology class I wrote a paper on the effects of abuse and I did include them. I figured no one would know them since they lived in a completely different state, but they worried that someone would somehow find that paper and then know their history and somehow the people they knew would find out their past. So we did not talk for many years after that one. I got married, I had my son and finally facebook brought us back together again. I don't want to lose this again, so I will not write again with their names...never again. If I were to write a book I would have to be creative, figure out a way to write the details without them in it and I don't think I could do that, I just don't know how.

And finally...my hubby also does not like me writing about my past. He doesn't like Thoughtful Thursdays either, he feels it keeps me in the past and that I should just forget it and move onward. He's always saying..."that's not your life anymore, just move on" I can't seem to make him understand that I am moving on and that this writing is helping me to move on.

And so I sit here and I post my life against everyones wishes because it's the one thing I can do for myself to help me heal. It's the one thing I can do to help me feel better, to help me make sense of this crazy life that has been mine. Even though everyone that I love tells me not to do it, that it's hurting me or it's going to hurt them, I do it anyway. perhaps it's just my rebellious ways, perhaps it's just my form of control, I don't know, I just know that I feel the need to write and so I do it. I feel the need to put this all into words and somehow in doing so I feel better so I do it again and again. Trust me, I do concider writing a book even though they don't want me to, and maybe someday I will, I'm turning 39 on Friday and that leaves me plenty of years ahead to write that book. Maybe I'll write it and give the profits to my son....maybe, just maybe.

From Blogger Pictures

OOPS....

It's Friday and I missed my Thoughtful Thursday post....sigh...my bad!

I do try to get on here to post, but usually I have Thursdays and Fridays off, and since I had taken extra days off after the break-in I opted to work yesterday during the day to make up for it and try to make some money. I succeeded in making money, it was a profitable day to say the least, but that means I was busy answering the phones and not so busy posting on my blog.....of course we all know making money is more important because that helps us make it through the here and now and delving into my past helps too but it doesn't pay the bills or make it so we can go out and have fun as a family so it definately takes a second shelf. On that note....here's a little something I've been needing to get off my chest.

~~~~~~~~~

Everyday I work hard to not yell at my child, it's not easy to say the least. When he doesn't have adderall he's wild and inattentive, out of control and can't listen to save his life. When he does have his meds and I send him off to school he does well there, but once he gets home it's time for the meds to leave his body and then we're fighting the side effect of that....anger! We're not talking a little anger either, we're talking Lifetime TV worthy teenager on steroids anger!! I'm not even kidding! Basically in order to not yell, in order to not be hurt and upset by his anger I have to send him to his room by himself and completely ignore him for a couple of hours. If I so much as walk into the room, look at him, anything it's that angry "WHAT?" with a look that could put me 6 feet under the normal 6 feet under! After the 2 to 2 1/2 hours he's a regular everyday kind of kid that I love to be around......except now he has no meds and he's wild and crazy and inattentive and can't follow directions to save his life....sigh

So as I deal with all of this I can't help but ask myself....what the hell was wrong with my mother??? Why couldn't she just have ignored me? Why couldn't she deal with me yet I can learn to deal with a child who is so much worse?? I worked so hard to follow her instructions, I did everything in my power to make her happy even though it seemed to be the impossible task! I even loved her when she didn't deserve and ounce of it, yet she beat me with the leather belt, she whipped me with the horse whip, she left emotional and physical scars on a daily basis...WHY?? If ever there was a child that I could possibly see driving a crazy woman like my mother to physical violence it would be my son yet here I am unable to even spank him, unable to lay a finger on him in anger.

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT LIFE??

I don't think there are any answers to those questions, I used to think that maybe she had PMDD like me, maybe that was her issue, but now I don't think so. I have forgotten to take my meds, felt that anger rise up inside me, felt the hormones going all whacky yet still I do not lay a hand on my child. I might yell, I might cry, but I would never lay a single finger on him in anger! And no, it's not just because I was an abused child and I'm afraid of repeating the cycle, it's more along the lines of it's just not right! Beating a child is going to get you no where, it's going to do nothing to help the situation. I don't hit my child because I have tought him that hitting is wrong and I have never understood how you can hit a child and then tell them that hitting is wrong...isn't that a contradiction of your teaching?

~~~~~~~~~

Well that's about it, I feel better having made my weekly post about the crap in my life. Have a great weekend everyone :)

From Blogger Pictures

A post special for Sweet Mama Jones :)

Special for you, here's a short video of me last season You can see me coming over the edge of the hill on the right side of the screen and riding down past hubby.

I think the biggest difference between me and the lessons isn't so much my mad skills but more along the lines of I give him a challenge one run and the next run I let him do whatever he wants. So he gets to have some fun inbetween each lesson and it's not all about work. I was basically just taking him up the small lift that only goes about 1/3 of the way up the mountain and I would tell him to connect from his heel edge to the toe edge and back to the heel edge 3 times as he rode down. Before I knew it he was connecting 7 or 8 turns instead of just 3.

From Blogger Pictures

One week later

So, here we are one week later, one week since the break-in. Our house is now fort knox and no one is getting in without a fight!

Downstairs in the basement where they entered hubby has set up what we like to refer to as "the red-neck security system". In other words, he took a giant piece of pressure treated 2X6 and barred it across the door! It doesn't budge one bit now and seriously I think they would probably break themselves before they would break down the door!

In the main section of the house (and yes even downstairs where they entered) we have installed the home security system that beeps anytime anyone opens the door and wakes the dead if the correct passcode isn't put in within 30 seconds of entering one door, immediately upon entering either of the others.

Ironically my hubby has jury duty today...poor guy! He's a bit bitter about criminals these days so my guess is he'll get let go of pretty quickly...at least I hope so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other news this week.....my brother-in-law got some kind of skin infection on his face which now needs to be removed. I haven't seen him, only heard about it from my father-in-law while we were visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital! Apparently her appendix ruptured and hers is shaped funny so that it wraps around another body part in there and they didn't see on the scan that it had ruptured. Now she has a major ecoli infection and a couple other complications and she'll be stuck in the hospital for probably a week or so. We did take Orion snowboarding on Saturday, he had a half-day lesson in the morning and then for the afternoon we took him out riding and I gave him a couple of lessons myself. He says he prefers my lessons over the regular instructors and is now requesting that he no longer take lessons from them but instead only get lessons from me. I'm actually ok with that, now that he's learned the basics I can get him to progress by giving him challenges and making it more fun and less like learning.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

It's that day of the week again, time for me to delve into the depths of my murky past and see what I can remove.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being nothing more than a mother that was better than the one I had. She simply SUCKED, if you need a description of her, that's about what you would get out of me. She was a mean, evil, nasty woman that somehow managed to get married, have a couple of kids, have an affair and have more kids and then have another affair and have one more. She was the evil minded person who faked a suicide just to try to get us to behave, she worked in a flower shop making flower arrangements and seemed to care about those flowers more than her own children. She would beat us for the simplest things, many I don't even remember the reason, just the beatings. I remember her making my sister do dishes one night, she complained she was cold and her hands slipped on a knife and she cut her cheek. My mother refused to let her tend to the cut until the dishes were done and for her complaining about being cold she got to stand in a bucket of ice water while she did the dishes. She has a scar on her cheek now that is a constant reminder of that aweful day and I don't think she'll ever wash another dish again....if her dishwasher broke I swear she would result to paper and plastic before she would wash dishes. Mother traumatized us all!

When my sister #1 got into junior high and high school, I remember her wanting to wear a little make-up as all girls do at that age. My mother refused, yelled at her and told her that it was for "women of the night" (in other words only prostitutes wear make-up) My sister got make-up from her friends, applied it on the bus or at school in the bathroom. One day she forgot to remove it before the end of the day....she was beat within an inch of her life!

That was the way it was, daily, there was always a reason to be beaten. You didn't sweep the floor properly, you didn't wash the dishes properly, you complained. The biggest sin was stealing a sip of the milk out of the fridge before it had been separated. See when you get milk straight from the cow and put it in a fridge, it will separate cream from the rest. Mother liked the cream in her coffee and no one was allowed to drink a drop of the cream. Once the milk had cooled and separated we had to pour the cream into a different container and then we could use the milk for drinking, cereal (if we had any) or to make mac-n-cheese from a box. I clearly remember getting my butt whooped from here to tuesday (that's how mother used to put it) for drinking from the jug before it had been separated. I relished that taste, so sweet and smooth going down my throat, it was rather delicious...but it was dangerous to do. Mother would mark the jug so she would know exactly how much was in there and if anyone drank any. If any was missing we got called to the line-up to find out who did it and if no one confessed we all got beat just to be sure the right one got it. Somedays I could barely walk, let alone sit down without pain. She used to say all the time "Spare the rod, spoil the child" and that was her excuse for beating us to bloody pulps!

Perhaps that's why I hate the bible so much, why I can't stand religion...because that one verse always was used against me as a reason for beating the crap out of me and my siblings. Perhaps someday, when I'm laying on my deathbed I'll figure out the whole religion thing, but I doubt it! My guess is I will die, go somewhere and find out what the afterlife has planned for me. Personally, I hope that the afterlife is this place where my mother, father, brother #2 and Uncle are sitting and waiting for me. There I get to use any method of torture I want to make their afterlife a living hell! I hope I get the chance to give back the hurt, to give back the pain and get my own justice! I hope my afterlife is their hell....now that would be fun!

Have a great weekend everyone, hug your kids instead of hit them, teach them with words and not pain. Understand that someday you will die and they will too and if there truly is a heaven and a hell your hell could very well be their heaven hehe

Never say it'll never happen to me

because it will!

See I thought we lived in a nice cafe neighborhood, we have lived here for almost 13 years with no issues (well there was that time some kid ran behind our shed when they saw a cop coming, dropped their cigarrette and lit our shed on fire but I don't think that counts) ANYWAY I thought we were safe.

When Orion was born my hormones changed and I got a little spazzy when hubby would go snowboarding with the guys and I felt uncomfortable alone at night in the house so I asked for a dog. I figured I would never need him, but he gave me peace of mind so I asked and I received....besides every boy needs a dog!

Today I learned that even the safest of neighborhoods can have break-ins, even the safest of neighborhoods can feel unsafe for awhile. Today my house was broken into and thanks to my wonderful big black lab they didn't dare enter the side of the house where we keep everything, where we live, where all the valuables are. Last week I was ready to get rid of that headache of a dog, today I am thankful he's still here!

See they came around from the front, they entered through the mudroom door that leads into the unfinished side of the basement. Usually that door is locked, but last night hubby staggered in through there after snowboarding and he apparently forgot to lock it and I didn't know because I was working. They ransacked my basement, which luckily didn't have a lot in it. There's the laundry stuff and my husbands collection of comic books in boxes, but nothing major in any way. They went into the garage where my hubby's tools are and I don't know if anything is missing from there but hubby will assess that after work. They also broke into our shed, but there's nothing in there but summer tools , gardening supplies etc. Nothing worth stealing in any shape or form. If my dog was not on the stairs that go from the basement up to the main part of the house I am sure they would of had a field day.

So now we don't know if we can feel safe going snowboarding as a family, that requires us to kennel the dog and he won't be here to protect the house. We don't know if we can go anywhere, heck today I was gone maybe 20 minutes, 1/2 hour at the most! But that good dog of mine, when I came home I tried to go downstairs to do laundry and he danced and pranced and barked at me. He blocked the stairs and told me not to go down. What a good doggie...he got extra treats for that!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

My thoughts of the past today are thoughts of my dear sweet nephew, born in September of 1986, my son almost shares the day of his birth but we missed it by 1 day. This wonderful little boy was always smiling, always happy, always full of joy. He was my pride and joy, my very first nephew and I was right there the day he was born.

I watched him grow, I watched him play, I helped my sister in every way I possibly could. Her husband, at the time, was in the Army and he wasn't always home. She was barely 18 at the time of his birth, still just a baby herself. I would often come help her out with the cleaning or the laundry or my favorite activity, playing with her baby boy. Now I see him on Facebook, all grown up and in the Air Force.

This week his status says:

"Many times has the sun set. A lifetime filled with adventure. Some have laughed and some have cried. Each of us brought together, be it by chance or fate, for a purpose all our own or for that higher power. Either way... just seize the day. For one never knows when their last sunset may fade into that great abyss. Live*Laugh*Love ~ John Brown "

That's my nephew, such a deep thinker, such a wonderful person and I couldn't be more proud of him! I just found out he's being deployed sometime next month and I can't help but feel that pang of worry, that gut wretching feeling that you get when someone you love is facing grave danger. I pray he stays safe and comes back home not too badly scarred by the evils of war.

~~~~~~~~~

That is all I have to say today! Hug your babies and hug those who are dear to you but aren't directly your babies. It's an evil world we live in and we never know what tomorrow might bring for us or them!

From Blogger Pictures

YES I'm bitter and jealous...

SO SUE ME!!!!!

I can't have anymore children, my father/brother/uncle took that away from me! My OB told me after having Orion that I would never carry another child to full term and that, quite frankly, she was amazed I managed to carry Orion to full term! I have so much scar tissue, so much damage caused by thier abuse of my little body, that I can not possibly carry another child to term. My uterus will literally tear open killing me and any child trying to grow in there. Because of this, I opted to have my tubes tied and fried....I couldn't risk an accidental baby leaving Orion motherless.

So when I read blogs of other mothers who already have 4 children ranging in age from 1 to 5 years old, people who are struggling to keep their marriage together, people running off to Africa to do Gods work (bah God, who the hell wants to do his work when he lets small children suffer so) People who seem so nice and it makes me feel badly to think this way...when they announce they are expecting a 5th baby, yeah I get bitter. I get angry, I get down-right mad as hell! I'm not mad at MkMama, a small part of me is happy for her but there's that bitter part that just gets mad! It's not fair, just not fair at all!!

I know, I know...life's not fair but damn it, that just pisses me off!

Yes I am venting, as I so need to do sometimes. It's not just MkMama announcing that she's having a 5th baby, it's also that family that has 18 or 19 kids...you see their life story on tv. Why?? What makes them so damn special?? They are extra special because they can pop out baby after baby and not feel guilty for it? They are special because they can have so many children?? What about those of us who struggle through life just to survive, the ones who try so hard to have babies who in the end are told their dreams of even a moderate sized family are shattered because their asshole relatives thought it would be fun to rape them when they were just little girls? Why don't we have a tv show?? Personally, I think my story is way more interesting than some family popping out so many kids that they have instant baby sitters and easy child labor. I would never dream of popping out 18 or 19 kids, but I don't even get the chance to have even a playmate for my kid! I got my one chance and that's all I get and that doesn't make me special in anyway what so ever. It doesn't give me a tv show, and you know why???

it's simple....at least I think so

the answer is simply that people don't want to hear or see others struggle. People don't want to see those of us who suffered unimaginable pain at the hands of our parents. People don't want to even admit it exists. People would rather live in this world where having one kid or no kids, no matter the reason is just something you choose to do. If you choose to fore-go any birth control and just pop out baby after baby then you're awesome and you can have a tv show. It's ok for teenagers to go out an get pregnant too...hell you do that and you can have a tv show too. They'll even make an imaginary tv show about teenage pregnancy and how it's all ok. Don't show the real people, the ones out here struggling because they suffered. Don't show the child abuse unless it's some special on lifetime network and even then only make one movie about it and show it only late at night when other shows are on that most people watch. Don't make the world aware that there is an evil out there and it's called mommy or daddy. Keep that kind of thing hush hush.

Yes, I am bitter, yes I am angry. Not at the people who are blessed enough to be able to make the decision to skip birth control of any kind and just have baby after baby, not even angry at their situation...just angry because I don't have the chance to make that choice myself. Angry because that choice was taken away from me completely, taken by people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to be on my side. It's times like this that I feel the hatred the most and I don't understand how any all powerful God could allow this to happen! What could I have possibly done at 2 years old to deserve to be raped by the man I called Daddy? What could I have possibly done to deserve such lifelong suffering??

I just don't understand!

From Blogger Pictures

Feeling it today.....

Went snowboarding yesterday for the first time this season and boy is my body telling me how out of shape I truly am! I don't think I have a single muscle in my body that doesn't hurt right now...but it's a good hurt and although it totally killed my bowling for the day I feel great! It was nice to get out on the mountain and ride!

We had Orion take a lesson since it is only his second season of riding and he needs some refreshing on the basics. I was concerned that he might fuss a lot or complain that they didn't take him up to the top of the mountain, but when we picked him up he ran out of his lesson with the biggest smile I have seen in YEARS!!! I'm serious! It was so heartwarming to see that smile! He was so happy, he fell down only once and that was because he was heading toward some skiers who stopped right in the middle of the trail and he doesn't go fast enough to maneuver around people quickly, so instead of crashing into them he opted to take a sit down. His instructor said he did awesome, he was connecting his turns and that by the end of next lesson he will be going to the top. She said he's a little hesitant, almost afraid, of his toe-edge, but he's getting it and that's the biggest thing. With a couple more lessons he should be up there riding with mom and dad all day long!! I can't wait for that day to come for a couple of reasons....one, it'll be great to ride with my boy and two it'll be nice to save the 50 bucks on lessons!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday

Here's a story that will really make you wonder about my mother

When I was 4 years old my mother called all of us children to the kitchen. She had us all line up according to age facing her. Then, starting at the oldest, she handed each of us a cigarette. She explained, as she moved along the line of children, that she was teaching us early how bad smoking was and she was making it so we would never, ever, pick up a cigarette willingly and smoke it. After handing out the cigarettes to each of us, she went down the line again with a lighter and made each and every one of us (yes even me the 4 year old) smoke an entire cigarette each. These were my fathers cigarettes..camels with no filters. Supposedly the lack of a filter made it even worse tasting and she figured we would get sick and never smoke again.

Only her plan backfired big time!

That day I started my smoking habit! I loved the sensation it gave me, the light headedness, the relaxing sensation coursing through my brain as I sat there smoking what was supposed to taste nasty and make me puke. It was at this point that I decided my father was someone worth being near on occassion since he often would leave his cigarettes burning in the ash tray while he went to get a beer or something to eat. I would hide behind his easy chair until he got up and then I would grab that cigarette and inhale deeply, savoring the effect. By the time I was 5 1/2 I was stealing cigarettes on a regular basis, not just the ones he left smoking in the tray, but stealing whole ones out of the pack when he left them laying around and then sneaking off to the tree house to enjoy and relax. If it was winter I would go out behind the garage and pretend I was building a snow fort under the big weeping willow when in reality I was sucking on my release. By the time I was 8 I was walking the roads looking for cans and bottles for deposits money to cash in for my own packs of cigarettes...yes back then a kid could walk into the general store and buy her parents a pack of cigarettes or even beer without a hassle...only the cigarettes never quite made it to the grown-up I said they were for. By the time I was 14 years old I was on a 2 pack a day habit! I loved drinking and smoking, it made me forget the pain and suffering for awhile, on the down side I developed asthma. The doctor told me to stop smoking, but I refused until one day, after a really bad attack, the doctor took my cigarettes out of my purse, threw them into the trashcan and told me I had 2 choices....I could take those out of the trash and die or I could quit smoking and live. Something made me want to live so I quit cold turkey.

Quitting smoking is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life and I owe it all to the crazy lady who thought it would be a good plan to introduce a stressed out 4 year old to her first cigarette!

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Lately when I think about my childhood I get a bunch of confused feelings. I think about the man who I had always thought was my father and I still refer to him as my father, but in reality was not my biological father. I now know that really my father was the neighbor who lived in the house behind ours...the guy who gave me the creeps! I remember looking out the bathroom window and seeing him looking toward our house and rapidly closing the curtians because I was sure he was looking at me. I remember him watching me play across the yard and feeling a bit wierd about him staring at me. I thought he was just another guy like my father, another pediphile who wanted to hurt me just like daddy and big brother #2. Now I wonder if it was really that he was a psycho like them or was he just being a distant father watching his daughter play wishing he could tell her the truth about who he was to her? Is it possible that he watched me and stared at me because he knew he was my father and not because he wanted to hurt me? Did I judge him unfairly because of the creeps who were in my life? And why didn't he do anything to help me? Did my mother really have that much influence that she could make him stay away from me and never tell me the truth? OR did he not know for sure I was his daughter and was always looking and staring to see if he could find some resemblance since he knew the timing of the affair and my birth?? I guess I'll never know the answers to my questions, but a part of me really wishes I had someone to ask. I might try asking my sister...the one who told me this mind altering news, maybe she knows if he knew or not. A part of me wants him to have known that I was his daughter and another part doesn't because if he knew I was his daughter but let me be abused the way I was....well then he's no better than anyone else in that town and he deserves the same bitterness toward him even more so than anyone else in that town. To allow your own child to be abused, beaten and raped, that is unforgivable! Like I said, it's all even more confusing than it ever was now that I know the truth...perhaps ignorance truly is bliss!

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Well, that's it for this weeks edition of Thoughtful Thursday. Remember, don't lie to your kids, especially about their parentage! Let them know they were adopted, let them know who their real parents are because when they grow up and find out the truth, they will be bitter, they will hurt from your lies and their hearts will be heavier because you didn't want to admit the truth. And trust me, eventually the truth will come out because everyone has someone like my big sister who can't keep their mouths shut forever and eventually they will slip!

From Blogger Pictures

WOOHOO

Got a new helmet for snowboarding today and can't wait to give it a run on Sunday! My old helmet was bought back in 1996 or 1997. We went snowboarding all the time back then, when we were in our 20's, newlyweds, and we both had great full-time jobs that paid really well. We had money flowing out our ears (should have saved better but who thinks about such things in their 20's eh?) It was awesome, we both worked 4 days a week, had 3 days off and we worked the same exact schedules. So every weekend we drove up north to the mountain that had the most snow, got a room at the hotel and enjoyed lots of riding by day and ...well you know newlywed type stuff by night! I was in the best shape of my life by spring of 1998, gosh I wish I had that body back lol Anyway, I got the new helmet today thanks to a gift certificate from my mother-in-law for Christmas and this Sunday we're packing up all of our gear and heading north to ride as a family! I can't wait

From Blogger Pictures

Back to school

Or as Orion calls it... THE EVIL S WORD!

Orion is not a fan of school, but regardless of his protests and his ability to fake being sick, he has to return today whether he wants to or not! Sorry kiddo, you got many more years of this school thing and someday it's going to cost thousands of dollars to go so you better get good grades while you can so the colleges will want you to attend for free (or close to free) cause I certianly can't afford it on my income!

Meanwhile I shall enjoy the peace and quiet that is a child free zone for 6 whole hours! 6 hours to clean without destruction 10 seconds afterward, 6 hours to fold and put away laundry, 6 hours to relax and enjoy some alone time.

Now I fully appreciate those song lyrics "and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again"

From Blogger Pictures

Testing, testing

Just testing out my signature box and the new background etc. Hoping everything looks ok. The signature isn't really new, just made smaller and being hosted from a different location.

From Blogger Pictures

Regardless of my efforts, I'm still a helpless female afterall

Yep, I tried not to be, honest I did. I was doing pretty darn good too...until the end!

See we had a lot of snow last night, about 8 to 10 inches and I have a good sized driveway that I do not like to shovel. Since the kennel is closed for the weekend (because of the new years holiday) we could not go snowboarding as a family and hubby went up with the guys.

Orion let me sleep in and relax until around 10am! But then I had to make him breakfast and head out to clear the driveway. I started up that snowblower with ease and powered through the snow, I was doing great. I got the entire driveway cleared, moved my car and snowblowed around where my car had been. Then it was time to put my car back into its regular spot.

This was the tricky part...see hubby just got a new (well new to us that is) car and he took the keys with him so I couldn't move it. I had to work my car around his, in the snow, without hitting it. BTW...our driveway has a hill so it's not as easy as it sounds! As I back up the car gravity takes over on ice and the car starts to slide. I turned the steering wheel so it wouldn't hit his new baby and instead I slid backwards into the snowbank. I tried to go forward, but on the hill with crap for tires (hubby is replacing those tomorrow) it just wasn't working. So I came inside and had Orion come out to help me...I had him hit the gas while I tried to push. He managed to get it to inch forward so I had him reverse and then go forward again, did that a few times but it wasn't working. So I came inside and grabbed some kitty litter...great idea except we use clumping litter and it's just not the same apparently. Either that or I just don't have enough in my back to push that damn car up a hill! Next door neighbor finishes up snowblowing his driveway, sees me struggling with the car (and yes, in case you're wondering, I was close to tears by now) and he came to my rescue. I searched the garage for an old piece of wood to put under the tire that was in the snowbank and as Orion hit the gas he helped me push the car up the hill!


Leave it to me to be the helpless female who has to have a man come and rescue her.

Thoughts on resolutions

In general I don't make new years resolutions. I'm the type of person who tends to try to take each day as it comes and not promise myself I'll change something because tomorrow usually throws me a loop hole and suddenly I've broken my promise, failed at my resolution and that just kills what little self-esteem I have. Nope, I'm not one to deal with failure well, especially when it's my own.

So when my son asked me this morning what my new years resolution was, I went for something easy...I'll try to get the laundry folded and put away the day it gets washed instead of living out of the dryer and laundry baskets like we usually do. Alas...tonight I sit here, laundry in the dryer and no motivation to put it away! Yep, just like I knew would happen, I failed yet again. But when I asked my son what his resolution was, his reply cought me off guard

"I'm gonna try to not be such a butthead"

Yep, those are his exact words! He knows he gets angry, he knows he snaps like an alligator getting poked with a sharp stick. It's a common occurrance with the beginning of puberty, testosterone surging through his little veins making him all grumpy and irritable (say nothing about the side effects of adderral) Between the 2 our lives have been a nightmare recently and he knows it. If he can take on the challenge of his buttheadedness, then maybe I should try a little harder at the laundry thing, I'll start tomorrow and see where it leads me.

So what else can I try to change in the coming year? What other things do I want to see differently in another year? In my blog world, I want to see myself get better at posting my Thoughtful Thursdays. They really are good for my soul, they help me move onward and upward and I realized today that the past bothers me more when I don't put it into the computer and let it go. So I resolve to post those on as many Thursdays as possible. As for the rest of the week, I am going to try to blog at least every other day, talk about my boy, my life, my hubby, whatever comes to my mind :) In my personal world...I'm going to try to be a better parent, stick to my punishments no matter how much he cries and fusses about it not being fair. I'm going to be a better wife and be more tolerant of my poor husband who works so very hard to make our lives as comfortable as possible. I'm going to work very hard to become a better housewife and clean more than I do...I'm not the best at it I'll admit it. I have more "junk drawers" than any ordinary person should and I need to start making a new use for the drawers. I need to stop stacking things on my office desk to file and just file them away. I may be asking too much of myself if I said I was going to succeed at these things, so I'll go with I will try and maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough I'll surprise myself and be a better person than I am today.

So what's your resolution? If a 9 year old can resolve to not be such a butthead then I'm sure you can think of something too!

Good-bye 2009, Welcome 2010

So here we are, another year gone behind us. Honestly I can't even believe it! Seems to me that it was just yesterday when I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test. I knew I was pregnant, I could feel it in my very deepest feelings. I simply knew I was pregnant. I was a week away from when AF was due to arrive, but I just knew I was pregnant.

I can remember it like it was yesterday anyway...when I think about it I can still feel it, the excitement as I went to the store and bought the test. I knew it wasn't going to be a waste of money, I knew I would have the 2 lines to show my husband. I had that smile that goes from ear to ear and I could have easily been described as "glowing"! It took me forever to figure out which test to buy, so many different tests and all of them claiming to be able to tell you before any of the others could. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Someone has to be the fastest at showing results! I mean seriously people, that should be against the law.....confusing a potentially pregnant woman, making her life more difficult than it already is? This is probably the most important test she'll ever take and you want to make it hard on her deciding which test to take?? HOW CRUEL!!

ANYWAY, I'm guessing you can feel my anxiety and excitement...and if you can't you've never WANTED to be pregnant! I had wanted to get pregnant for years, hubby wasn't ready, hubby was way behind me in that department. He had only a month before decided that yes, we could go ahead and stop the pills and let mother nature take her course. He just didn't think it would happen quite so fast. I think he thought he had a few months to get used to the idea since I had been taking the pills for so long....POOR GUY! He did not know the power of my womanhood, my desire to be a mother! I had the go ahead and my body was listening to the call!

It's amazing to me today, as we enter 2010, that all this was 10 years ago!!! January 2, 2000 I passed the most important test of my life! I was indeed pregnant! Hubby made me take the test again later on just to prove beyond all doubt that I was pregnant, but nothing will ever compare to watching those 2 lines appear on that little white stick! It was instant, not some slow progress thing. It screamed out at me..."YES! YOU ARE PREGNANT!"

Oh joy of joys....little did I know how fast life would change, it's a welcomed change, but it's still a huge change from the life I knew back then. The past 10 years I have watched my son go from tiny belly bean using ultrasound to a big boy with a mind of his own. In the next 10 I get to watch him grow from boy to man...so welcome 2010, I'm looking forward to all the thrills your decade will bring me.