A day totally wasted........

Yesterday I wasted a full day in anger and bitterness.

I know I shouldn't have, I know I should have let it go

but instead of letting it go I held onto it, I wallowed in it

and I wasted an entire day being angry!

Today I am going to put the words here, going to put the feelings here, and then I will be able to walk away and not be angry anymore! If there is one thing I have learned from blogging it's that I feel much better when I write it all down, it's a release, it's a freedom enhancer, and I always feel better after blogging.

So why was so upset yesterday? It's because someone (and you know who you are so I need not say more) posted something on my facebook wall. It was actually a response to reading my blog, but her response would have been taken much better if she had the common decency to send me a message instead of post it on my wall making me look like some small child being disciplined by my mother. See she has a different view of some of my youth, not the abuse, the foster care part of it. She seems to think that I should simply be grateful to the foster care system because I was taken in despite my idiosyncrasies. Well honestly don't you think that my idiosyncrasies were the result of the abuse I had suffered and isn't that something that should be expected to be seen when you take in any foster child? Perhaps a baby would not have little quirks and peculiar habits, but an 11 year old child who has been raped and beaten all her life, doesn't she deserve to be a little weird??? Shouldn't some sort of unique behavior be expected? So I am grateful to the foster care system for getting me out, but not for taking me in despite my idiosyncrasies! 

She also commented saying that Big Sis #2 was the only one to do extra work, but she somehow forgot that Big Sis #2 was only there a short while. She went off to college and Sissy had to take over her list of jobs to do. I DID help Sissy out with her work, I did do her jobs when she went out and many times our foster mother wasn't even there on Saturday morning when we were doing the work, she was off at the market or doing something else so how would she have known?? Did she really think I was gonna rat out my Sissy? Seriously?

In the end it was her that called my social worker telling her that she needed to find me a new home. I was told by my social worker that she had called and that she felt I was no longer a good match for that home and that we needed to find me a good home. I am sure my social worker was not lying when she told me that my foster mother wanted me out and that it needed to happen asap. We did find a different home for me, but seriously I was a disposable child to her and that is how I will always look at her. Her children were gone off to college, my Big Sis #2 had gone off to college, Big Brother #3 had gone back to live with the egg donor because he was her Dumbledore and the only one she ever feared. Sissy was with her boyfriend, senior year of high school and it looked like she would be leaving as soon as her feet could get her out the door. That foster mother could not fool me, she just didn't want me in her hair for another 3 years, I could tell she only took us all in because Big Sis #2 wanted us all to stay together. I am sure the money from the state was nice too. Now that she was down to the last one, the one she liked least of all, well she could get rid of me and be done with this whole foster care thing.

Now years later she's reading my blog and contradicting me on my facebook wall. WHY??? At least I was there shortly after she posted it and I could delete the entire post. She couldn't just be an adult and post me a message between the two of us? She had to go to my facebook wall? She couldn't just post a comment on here? What exactly was she trying to prove by doing that? Was she just trying to piss me off? If she was then she certainly succeeded! But I refuse to spend another day being pissed at her so I will post this and move on in my life. Life is too short to sit around around trying to defend my blog posts to some old bitty who kicked me out of her home because I was too much for her to handle. I was a rebellious 14 year old child who had a lot to learn in life, she wasn't willing to take on that battle then so I certainly don't respect her opinion now.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

This is going to be a short one because I feel like my head is about to explode! No, I'm not angry, I just feel like crap! My sinus' are raging mad right now, head is throbbing, and sudafed is doing nothing to kill the pain! I've even tried the cocktail my Big Sis told me about....mixing naprosen, motrin, asprin, tylenol (not all at once but different variations like naprosen and asprin or motrin and tylenol) I tried naprosen and asprin because that's what I have in the house at the moment, my head is still in pain! I am sure this has a lot to do with my allergies and it's why I HATE spring!

See spring brings back the birds and me and birds, we just don't mix! If I am enclosed in a house with birds my lungs close up so I can not breathe ( a rescue inhaler will help a little but if I stay too long...like longer than 5 minutes I will not be breathing period!) My eyes will also swell up making it hard to see out them. It's really a deadly reaction! Now when the birds are outdoors, like in springtime, it's not quite as bad but still bad enough. My sinus' swell, my lungs work extra hard and I have trouble breathing without using my rescue inhaler every couple of hours and even then I will get this really yucky cough from my respiratory system swelling. I end up sounding like I have bronchitis for awhile until the birds all move along to the woods or where ever they go to make their nests. My eyes also itch and burn like no tomorrow and I want to scratch them out of my head! Once the birds clear out and stop congregating on my back lawn I'll get better and do fine, but for now it's not a fun ride. So that's why this post won't be super long!

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Today is Thursday, so I'm supposed to write about my evil egg donor or my evil sperm donor or their evil minions who raped me and hurt me. I hate that life, I hate those memories, I hate that I had to live through it....but I did just that! I lived, I survived, I rose above the evilness and somehow found a world that was completely the opposite of that. It's like I woke up one morning and realized I had been dreaming for years and it was a really bad nightmare! Sometimes I wish it was just a bad dream, something that never actually happened, soemthing that happened in my head only and now that I'm awake I can move on in normalcy. But I know it was real, I know it wasn't some bad dream and even when I want so badly to believe it was there's still those scars that show the reality to my imagination.

There's that scar on my back when I was whipped so badly that it tore my skin, the one on my head hidden in my hairline where I was hit over the head, there's those internal scars that are not visible but I know are there none the less. Like the ones in my ears that the doctor swears could only be from tubes being put in or someone stabbing something into my ears repeatedly....yeah I never had tubes. I had an egg donor who would hold me down on her lap while I screamed bloody blue murder! She would take a bobby-pin and stick it in my ear telling me she was trying to get rid of my ear wax that was supposedly in there. She would tell me if I didn't hold still she would poke out my ear drum...yeah she was that mean! Now I have scars inside my ear that hinder my hearing some, at least it's not enough to cause a ton of hearing loss!

and of course there's those scar "downtown" caused by the evil brother and the evil sperm donor. The scars that almost cost me the life of my son and cost me any other children I ever wanted to have! The scars that linger in silence...those are the worst in my opinion! I wanted to have more children, I wanted that so badly...still do as a matter of fact. But alas, it was taken away from me, stolen before I was even aware that I would want children, stolen when I was a little toddler....still even a baby as I was only 2 years old when it started! How I survived, how I managed to even carry one child is nothing short of a mystery to my doctors! It should not of happened, I should not have had the ability to carry a child at all, say nothing about carry one (albeit on strick bedrest for most the pregnancy) to full term and beyond (Orion was born at 41 weeks!) Every single day I feel so blessed to have him in my life!

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Ok that's it I need to go lay down and put an ice pack on my head, hopefully it will help this headache go away and slow down the sinus pain some! Have a great weekend....we're supposed to be going up north for one last weekend of snowboarding as a family but I'm not sure I'm really feeling that happening. Sadly, I think I'll be staying home resting and trying to feel better.

From Blogger Pictures