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Thursday, December 30, 2010

 I decided to start my New Years Resolution today so that I can end this year with my first change :)  Thoughtful Thursday, a day to stop and think, a day to get all the dirt out of the carpets and empty the septic tank of my life. Sounds pretty nasty right?? Well it life that was very, very nasty! 


This past holiday made me remember a time when I was young and should have been care free, unfortunately my evil egg donor made it full of care and worry and stress. My hair was so thin, constantly falling out, now I think I know why. For one, I was a hair puller. I would sit and just pluck the strands of hair out of my head. I wouldn't think about it, I would just do it. It was a nervous habit, probably the beginnings of being a cutter, I just didn't know that yet. I remember taking safety pins and pinning them through the skin of my fingers...why would I do such a thing?? I have no idea except that the evil egg donor made me want to control something. As an adult I can see now what I could not see then, I can see that if I had remained there, if I had not ended up in foster care I probably would have become a cutter. I probably would have done more to myself in order to be able to control the pain inflicted upon me. Beatings were a daily thing, like going to the bathroom. You knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of what time of day she would feel the urge and how much she had held in. Was this going to be one of those days where it was a simple backhand across the room or the day where she grabbed the leather belt or metal yard stick and beat you until you couldn't even feel it was a mystery that you could be sure would be solved before the sun had set. 

She was the type of woman you feared, but you learned to out maneuver if you could. You learned her she couldn't run because she had short stubby legs and she was fat! She couldn't climb a tree and she couldn't climb to the garage roof. You learned to use these to your advantage, get out as fast as possible, get up the tree and sit there waiting for her to realize she wasn't getting you down and then go away. I was the cat and she was the dog, when I came down I would catch hell but for the moment I was safe and maybe, just maybe she would forget why or just how mad she really was and the beating would be less severe. It rarely happened, but I had to live with that hope! I was a desperate child!

Here is an example of my desperation I have never shared!

I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, it was a warm summer day and I was tired from haven been beaten. I had not learned the words to the song the egg donor wanted me to learn and I had received her wrath for my disrespect. I went outside to try to learn the song, I knew that I always memorized better while swinging on the swing, so I walked across the drive to that old swing hanging off the old green boards off the side of the house. I sat there swinging in the swing, wishing I could grow wings and just fly off that swing and to some far away place. In front of me was our huge driveway and in front of that was a clear view of the street. Occasionally a car would drive by and I remember thinking I wish one of those people would kidnap me and take me away from here. Then up on the hill I saw a big mac truck coming. I remembered how the egg donor had told me that truckers were bad people who would steal you if you were too close to the road when they drove by so I ran to the edge of the yard as he approached the corner. There on the corner was a lilac bush, beautiful and full of delicious smells. I ran just past it to where that truck would stop to make his turn......and then I dropped my pants and I took off my shirt and I thought surely he will want me just like my daddy does, this will make him take me away for sure.  I waved my precious parts to him, I tried to flag him down, I flaunted and flirted as best as I could, but the man just looked and then drove away. 

I began to do this on a regular basis, every new truck was a new opportunity. But alas, no pediphiles happened upon my corner except the sperm donor and evil brother #2. Ok, so it's actually a good thing they never happened along or I probably would be dusty bones in a ditch somewhere instead of typing this out right now, but seriously at the time, that is how desperate I was. To stand naked on the corner trying to get a truck drivers attention, how sad and pathetic I must have looked. Why didn't the neighbors say anything? Why didn't they ask questions? Why didn't they say to themselves that something was seriously wrong in a home where a child of 5 will stand on the corner and parade naked for truck drivers? So many why's and so few answers....the story of my life!


And so I will wrap up this weeks issue of Thoughtful Thursday because my son is home on school vacation and he got some really great Christmas presents that I want to play with hehe I also need to get out food shopping before the New Year and today is a great day to do that. 

Happy 2011 to all my blog readers and to anyone who happens upon this post! I hope I have helped someone today and if not, at least I have helped myself, which is the whole point of Thoughtful Thursdays. Enjoy your family and friends and remember, it's not a good idea to dance naked in the streets, you might catch a cold lol

New Years Resolutions.....

Every year all around the world people make New Years Resolutions. In general, I am not among them because my thinking has always been "why disappoint myself?" I tried making resolutions but they never seemed to work out and I would end up feeling like I had failed myself. I stopped making resolutions and laughed at those who made them. I would watch people say things like "I'm going to lose that baby weight" or "I'm going to be a better person" or "I'm going to save more money" but then they would just continue with the same habits they always had and never succeed in changing. 

Perhaps I hang out around a lot of under achievers, or perhaps I just know a lot of losers. Possibly, I just don't know a lot of people who have the will power to change. Whatever the situation, their failures have always fed my resolve to not resolve. They have always given me a reason to say "see that, it's just not worth making a resolution".

However, this year, I think I might just try again. This year I want to help my son see that no matter how old we are we can make changes for the better, that we should all take responsibility for our previous actions and that we should change the things that aren't showing us to be the best people we can be. I want to show him, that I can set an example and work hard to achieve a goal, that I can structure myself and my life to reach a goal. Perhaps if I can do that, then he can follow my lead and change too. Perhaps he can find it in himself to fight the tough fight and be the person he wants to be. I might fail at my task but if I try and my son follows my lead in trying then I will not be a complete failure, I will have succeeded in something. And so I will try, for him, so that he can see that change is possible.

So in 2011 I will strive to achieve the following:

1. I will become a better parent by teaching my son he is capable of living without me. By this I mean that I will help him less so that he can do more for himself. I will let him try and fail until he gets there instead of just helping him or doing it for him to make his life easier. Although it will be hard to watch him struggle through some tasks, it will benefit him in the end when he learns that he really doesn't need me to do as much for him as he thinks he does. I will strive to be a more patient mother, not yelling when he makes a mistake or messes something up. I will take a deep breath when he pushes my buttons so that he can relax and learn that mom is a loving mom and not so angry all the time.  I believe this will be my hardest task of the year!

2. I will complete my studies and obtain my certificate to be a Medical Administrative Assistant. I am almost through this course, the medical terminology has been hard for me to learn and I have struggled in the memorization of all this. I was never very good at these kinds of things, but I want to make more money than I do currently and it seemed the only way to do that was to get out into the work force again. Of course in order to do that, after being out of the work force for 11 years, was to get some kind of education. I started the course in June of this past year and I want to be done with it by June of this coming year so I can start looking for work and making some "real" money.

3. I will be a better wife to my husband. By this I mean that I will work harder to please him and make his life a more comfortable one. He works so hard for us, gives up his days off to make extra money, hurts his hands and body in order to provide for us, the least I can do is try to clean more, do more and be his sounding board when he needs me to be one. Sometimes I'm not the best at listening to his grumblings, sometimes I forget that he's not attacking me but is merely venting his frustrations, sometimes I forget that I am not his victim and I take things the wrong way...I know I need to stop doing that. He is not my "evil egg donor" and he will never strike me down regardless of what I do or say.

4. (a lead off of the last resolution) I will learn to not live in fear. When I stop to look at myself, I have come to realize that many of my actions and reactions are based on irrational fears. Even though he has NEVER given me reason to believe he would harm me, I fear my husband. I know that my own ADD makes me forget to do things I say I will do, I forget to get stuff done and then run out of time in my day. I fear him coming home because the child inside me remembers when the evil egg donor would come home from work and beat me for forgetting a chore I was supposed to do. The child in me remembers a lot, is still remembering things all the time and that child needs to be comforted and taught that it no longer needs to fear the people around her.

5. Finally, I WILL post my Thoughtful Thursday posts! I have slacked off as of late and I notice a difference in my everyday thought process. I see myself holding onto the pain, letting it sit there and swell up inside me and I don't release it. Hubby doesn't like to hear about my childhood, he sees no reason to sit and recall the details of that horrid life I once lived. I don't want to burden him with memories that he doesn't want to hear about and so I will type it out, I will let it go and I will move on. Every week seems to bring about a new memory, something that happened so long ago. I see my son doing something and I suddenly remember doing that myself and my egg donors reaction. If I don't write it out I begin to feel the anger growing inside me. Before long the anger is just sitting there waiting to lash out at the first person to cross me....which unfortunately tends to be my son. I can not let HER mess with my parenting! I refuse to allow her to invade my sons life any in order to complete goal number one of being a better parent, I must succeed with this goal!

So those are my resolutions for 2011, I hope this year I find a way to succeed!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

So sorry, I have been neglecting posting again but the holidays came and went so fast I can't believe it!
Christmas 2010:
The days leading up to Christmas were awesome! Orion tried so hard to be good and I found this great text message thing where you could have Santa Clause send a message of your choosing to your childs cell phone. So on Christmas Eve Eve Orion received a text from Santa telling him that he was going to try to bring that Nintendo 64 that he had asked for because he knew that Orion was trying very hard to be a good boy. Orions friend was over and was amazed when Orion received a text from the big man himself! Orion had been very worried that Santa might not have gotten his letter in time to special order a Nintendo 64 for him so it really helped him calm down about it and enjoy himself a bit.
On Christmas Eve morning, as is our tradition, Orion got to open one present. He opened a fun hotwheels toy that is a snap together truck/snowmobile. It actually has 25 different configurations and can be mad into anything from a big wheel truck to a racing snowmobile. He had a lot of fun with that for the day and it kept him well entertained. We baked sugar cookies and frosted with homemade frosting. Shortly before bedtime Orion took 2 benedryl since he knew he would have trouble getting to sleep. I read "Twas The Night Before Christmas" and "How The Grinch Stole Christmas". We put out cookies and milk and a little note for Santa from Orion. Orion snuggled under the blankets and by 11pm he was finally sound asleep (An AMAZING thing!) I stayed up and greeted Santa so that he didn't set off the house alarm or the big 96 pound black lab lol 
Christmas morning, 5am, the little man is wide awake begging to go open presents. I made him stay in bed long enough for me to take the dog out to the bathroom and set up my video camera. He came out with wonder in his eyes and a smile on his face, Santa had obviously come since he had a stocking that was full to the rim complete with a snowy leopard stuffed animal ;) He opened Santa's presents first and sure enough he got that Nintendo 64 he had asked for, some chocolate, a couple of really bouncy balls with glitter inside, his usual bunch of hot wheel cars, a DS game, a dvd, and a couple other small items. Then he started in on the "Mom and Dad" gifts
Mom was sneaky this year, I made him open all the littler things first, I saved the big money items for the very last. He opened Mind Flex, his DVD's, his video games to go with the systems he currently has. Then we gave him his new PSP with Little Big Planet and a movie. Next came his new 7" portable dvd player that he had requested. Finally I handed him his last present, it was small and squishy and he opened the paper to find a 3 pack of underwear! He held it up to the video camera with this look on his face that was priceless! It was awesome because he didn't realize that inside those underwear was a 32 G i-pod touch! He tosses the underwear away completely disgusted and asks why he got underwear so I had to tell him to look a little further and not to judge every present by it's wrappings. He went nuts when he found the i-pod touch and said it was the best joke ever! It was my idea...score 1 for Mom!

After playing with our presents for awhile, we went over to my in-laws house where Orion received a wii from his grandparents...spoiled rotten kid that he is lol Orion, on a whim, asks if he can spend the night with his grandparents and we said sure. Hubby and I went home to enjoy a quiet kid free Christmas night.
1:30am my phone is ringing. My heart is racing as I frantically wake up and run for the phone. Orion was homesick and realized he really would rather be home playing with his Christmas presents instead of at his grandparents house without them. NOT FUNNY kiddo, calling mom at 1:30 am only leads me to picture blood or death or both! He wanted to ask me to pick him up nice and early the next morning...little bugger. I picked him up at 11am.


As you can see I have changed my background to something more fitting the conditions outside. The day after Christmas brought us a wonderful blizzard of snow! Everything is white and cold outside, just what winter is supposed to be. The blizzard messed up our driving plans to get up to NH to go snowboarding, so we'll go this coming weekend instead once everything is nicely groomed and the roads are again safe to drive on. Now I just need to fix my siggy tag to'll probably take me awhile since I need to work and make up for all the time lost while I was sick. Orion will go back to school next week and hubby will be off at work and I'll be able to relax and do some messing around with my paint shop pro.  I hope to have at least 1 more post before the years ends, but just in case:


Monday, December 20, 2010

What can I do? H still believes

So I thought that by now Orion would have been told by kids at school that Santa Clause is really his parents, I thought this year would be the year of him asking a lot of questions and losing that little piece of childhood. Amazingly he has not lost that belief. What he wants for Christmas more than anything else in the entire world is a Nintendo 64 console. Yes, my son loves the vintage video games systems and this is the one that will fill his collection. It's also the only thing he asked Santa for this year. My husband did not want to spend the money on it, he was totally against getting him an old system for Christmas, my line of thought was that this might be the last year for him to believe and I could not let that belief I got him the system and it will be here soon. Then the other day Orion and I were talking about Santa and Orion was wondering what kind of stuffed animal Santa was going to bring him this year. You see, every year Santa has topped the stocking with a stuffed animal and knowing that the boy still believed I wanted to buy a stuffed animal for the stocking but hubby said no way. It's too babyish and that we had to stop buying him baby things. I tried to protest, but hubby put his foot down, no stuffed animals this year. But my boy believes and he is looking forward to the stuffed animal that Santa is going to bring. I tried saying things like "Don't you think Santa might realize that you are 10 years old now and that you might not want a stuffed animal since it is kind of a little kid kind of toy?" The boy replies, "No, I think Santa will know that I love my stuffed animals and look forward to them every year." Guess what mom went out and bought against hubby's best protests......Yep I bought a stuffed animal and it will be topping his stocking on Christmas morning. If my boy expects Santa to bring him a stuffed animal then a stuffed animal he will get!

Other thoughts, well not a lot right now. I'm just getting over being horribly sick with some kind of cold or flu. Orion seems to be coming down with it but he is fighting it. The hubby will probably come down with it for Christmas since that's Murphy's Law.  I'm still not 100% but definitely doing better. I can't wait to get out snowboarding again and be back on the mountain. It will be fun to watch Orion get back out there and learn to progress some more. I am looking forward to a good season on the slopes as long as I can get healthy enough to actually get out there lol.

If I don't get back on here before the holiday, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Years!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I know I've been neglectful

but I have a good excuse...honest I do lol
The boy has been growing up right before my eyes!

Somehow he went from sweet beautiful baby boy 

to  big boy

to surly teenager


I know it's only been a little over 10 years since he was born, but I after I took that photo yesterday I wanted to cry. He's still sweet faced when he wants to be, or should I say when he wants something, but for the most part there is no more sweet faced baby boy left in my child. He's looking more like a man than ever and although I can see the little boy hiding in the background he's very quickly fading away.

Suddenly my little man is texting with girls and hanging with girls and mom is embarrassing if she calls him "sweetie" in front of those girls. If I dare kiss his cheek or hug him, that look up there is the look I get, the look of a surly teenager, all moody and grown up.

My baby isn't a baby anymore and as I grow closer and closer to 40 I realize that my son isn't the only one getting older. Unfortunately the more he looks like a man and the closer I get to my 40th, the more it all seems to be speeding up. Suddenly I am reevaluating my whole world, what I think, what I feel, how I feel about life when I was his age. My world is speeding up again and I am desperately searching for the brakes because I really need it to slow down.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't avoid it any longer

Apparently the wild child is the only kid in 5th grade that doesn't have his own cell phone and he really really needs one and he really really wants one.

And mom is a really really big sap

So the wild child will be getting a cell phone for Christmas!

His very own cell phone with QWERTY keyboard

Mom is now officially scared lol BUT Mom is also smart and knows when she has a bargaining tool! Oh yeah....bring on the good behavior cause Mama is gonna use that cell phone for all it's worth!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

The joys of tree trimming..........

She's there, she's up, but it was not without a major headache and lots of cuss words! No I am not kidding lol

Every year hubby walks out the door the day after Thanksgiving, gives me that knowing look, and says "Now when I come home I don't want to see a tree in my living room" Of course he knows me and he knows I am going to go out and buy a tree, I'm going to put it up, and it will be all pretty and decorated by the time he gets home. This year was different!

First of all I had been out Black Friday shopping all night and got home about 1/2 hour before hubby got up to go to work, so needless to say I was sleeping by the time he headed off for work.  I never heard the words pass his lips and I am sure he was sure that he had no need to say it since I would be way too tired to go out and get a tree.

I headed for my in-laws to pick up Orion after getting up and on our way home Orion and I went and got our tree, we brought it home, set it up in the stand in the corner of the living room. We let it relax while we checked lights and set up the mantle decorations, a good 2 hours of work at least. We put the lights up, put all the ornaments up (another hour at least) and as I hang the very last ornament on the tree it begins to fall! Yep the tree stand gave out and the tree was going to land on top of me and Orion fully decorated! We're talking a 7 1/2 foot balsam fir, big full branches and she wasn't exactly light weight either! I caught her mid-fall because I was not going to let my ornaments smash and I wasn't going to let my kid get crushed. CUE THE SWEAR WORDS! I used every bit of strength to push that sucker back into a standing position and had Orion stand on the couch and basically lean on the tree with all his weight (which really is nothing compared to that tree) while I crawled under her and tried to figure out what went wrong.

Meanwhile Hubby hasn't eaten all day because the usual roach coach didn't come to his work and I should be starting dinner!

I try tightening the bolts in the stand, tree still wants to fall over. I try undoing all the bolts, turning the tree and tightening them back in....tree still wants to fall over. I grab the twine they used to tie the tree to the car and tie the tree to the mantle to keep it up while I start dinner because poor Orion is dying trying to hold up that tree for so long!

Meanwhile hubby is on his way home, grumpy from lack of food and not impressed when he hears that the tree is trying to fall over! CUE SWEAR WORDS FROM HUBBY!

Hubby comes home, he tries to fix the stand and realizes there is no hope, the bolts are stripped out. We take all the decorations off the tree, take it out of the stand, put it in a new stand and try to get that one to work....unfortunately this stand has a couple stripped bolts too and the tree still wants to fall over, and poor hubby is starving!  Hubby canabalizes the first stand and between the two he manages to get the bolts to work and the tree stands alone! We ate dinner (that amazingly I had not burned) and then Orion and I took on the task of redecorating the tree!

The tree came home at 1 in the afternoon, she finally stood alone and fully decorated at 10pm! I told hubby that never again will he come home the day after Thanksgiving to find a tree in the living room! From now on, I'm waiting for him!

We'll see what happens next year  LOL

Friday, November 12, 2010

Monday, November 8, 2010

A fun photo post

Took these on my cell phone so they aren't the best quality but I simply had to share :

My little goofball has to give me at least one of these crazy pics every time I pull out a camera
Gotta love that smile :)
While doing math homework I caught him literally wracking his brains lol

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sissy is safe! I am so happy this week knowing that Sissy finally realized that it was in her best interest to get away from that boyfriend of hers! She has moved away from him and is now in an apartment with her daughter.


It's pouring rain outside, it's a cold rain that creeps into your bones, your joints, your very soul. It makes everything seem so gloomy and makes me feel like crying right along with those clouds outside. It's on these kinds of days where I find myself reflecting on my youth more than ever, I guess the cold rain brings out the depression in me and depression makes me do nothing but dwell on what a rough life I have had.  I hate these kinds of days because it's usually when I want to forget it the most.

For instance today I woke up and it was cold in our bedroom, my son had crawled into the bed between me and hubby and was snug and cozy. I didn't want to get up because I was remembering how when I was little I would have given just about anything to have the chance to cuddle with a loving parent on such a cold morning and I wanted to share that with my son so that he would never find himself waking up wishing he could of  had that. I don't want him to ever feel that he wanted something so simple and that his mother didn't give it to him. What was it going to cost me to lay there and love my son? What would it of cost her to love me? The answer is costs nothing more than a push of the snooze  button and another 9 minutes, a price that I gladly paid. As I lay there with him all snuggled up and warm next to me, I couldn't help but remember the cold beds we slept in as children. How we had to melt snow on the potbelly stove, get it good and hot and then fill up some jars to make hot water bottles. We would put then under our covers to warm our sheets and sleep wrapped around them in hopes of staying warm. Lots of nights Sissy would sleep with me and we would curl up close so that we could keep each other warm. Sometimes the egg donor would forget to pay the electric bill and all the lights would be out for days on end, there was no oil for the heat so we had to use kerosene heaters and the potbelly stove. The pipes would freeze in the basement or the well would freeze up and so we had no running water. In those cold days we would have to get snow from the yard, melt it on the stove and use that to flush the toilet or for bathing. If there was no snow then we simply had no water and we would have to use a bucket in the bathroom and then take it out to the swamp to dump it. I remember that being Sissy's job mostly, she would be so embarrassed having to carry a bucket of foul smelling mess out to the swamp to dump. I felt bad for her but at the same time I was thankful to not be her.


Have a nice weekend and try to stay warm :) Cuddle your children close and let them be littl as long as they want!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Too much candy lol

Last night was trick or treating night, Orion and I went out with his friend Jessie and her mom. It was a quiet night, not a lot of kids out there so our kids got lots of goodies...probably enough to last an entire year! Plus we had way too much left over so now I have to practice willpower over chocolate! You know how hard it is to do that??? I have  a major sweet tooth to begin with and now I have a butt-load  of candy sitting here doing nothing but teasing and taunting me every second of the day! The wild child  has trouble with self control on his best days, say nothing about when he's loaded up with sugar so he has to be monitored very closely when it comes to sugar intake. He has to be limited or he'll be completely bonkers!

So that's my post-halloween story, I'll post some pictures once I dump my camera lol

Thursday, October 28, 2010

When you're an abused child you think differently than most kids your age. You try not to think about 10 or 15 years down the road mainly because you're too worried about what tonight will bring. You have to think in the moment, how will this decision now effect my life 5 minutes from now when the evil one finds out about it? How can I do this without getting caught? How can I cover this up so she won't know? You dread the moment she outsmarts you because she does that a lot....afterall you are just a kid and she's got a good 30 years of evilness on you. So you do what you can, what you feel you need to do, and you hope the evil one never knows.

One of the biggest things I did that I hoped she would never figure out concerned her alcohol. She had a bottle of vodka that she loved and no one was allowed to even touch it! You even looked at it and you got yelled at. Not even the sperm donor was allowed to touch her precious clear liquid. Since I knew how much she liked it, but also how mean she was after she drank it, I messed with her without her knowing. After she had gone to bed, or after school when she wasn't home, I would take her bottle from its hiding spot, mark it with my finger and then dump some down the drain. Then I would go to the toilet with the bottle and a cup and I would refill it to the exact spot with toilet water.  I would return it to her hiding spot making sure I set it back exactly as it had been when I removed it. I did that at least once a week, it was great fun watching her drink her toilet-watered-down-vodka! I would find myself having to leave the room lest she catch me giggling and it got me smacked around.  Then there was those bottles of budweiser she hid behind the couch. There was always a 6 pack there and they were always twist caps so you didn't have to use a bottle opener...those I would actually pee in the toilet first then fill them! I know, pretty gross, BUT SHE DESERVED IT!  It was my sweet revenge until I realized that Sissy was sneaking the vodka to deal with the sexual abuse she was suffering and Big Sis #2 was sneaking the Budweisers. After that, I stopped because I didn't want them to get sick and I knew that they were watering down her drinks to cover up what they were drinking. Sometimes it made me mad knowing they had taken away my own bit of revenge, but they were older and so they won. Of course I can't help but wonder just how much toilet water and pee water those two actually drank and how they didn't manage to get sick lol I recently told Sissy about that and she just laughed and said "no wonder that vodka tasted funny" At least she had a sense of humor about it, she could understand. What she couldn't understand was why I poured it down the drain instead of drinking it to deal.

Of course I had my own way of dealing...I was a smoker. The sperm donor smoked camels with no filters and he spent so much time being drunk I managed to steal plenty of cigarettes off him. It all started when I was about 4 years old when the egg donor called us all into the kitchen. She lined us up and handed us each a cigarette. She lit them up and made us each smoke an entire cigarette by ourselves. It was supposed to teach us what a horrible habit it was, it was supposed to make us sick and make us never want to smoke again. Sissy puked something awful, poor thing! Me, I rather enjoyed it. It relaxed me, calmed me, made it easier to deal with the stress of life. I smoked my cigarette and wanted more! I found myself sitting next to the sperm donors chair waiting for him to sit his cigarette down so I could sneak it as he sat in a drunken stupor watching tv. He would always light up and then leave it sitting in the ashtray just burning, picking it up every now and again to take another puff. I was very good at sneaking puffs for myself here and there and as my addiction grew I started to steal cigarettes out of the pack. By the time I was 6 years old I was walking the road looking for soda cans and bottles to take to the store to redeem. Back then kids could buy cigarettes for their parents at the local country store, so I would redeem my cans and buy myself a pack a day. I would steal money from the egg donor and the sperm donor so that I could afford my habit. I was a pack a day 6 year old smoker....pretty sad eh? But it got me through, it helped me deal with the abuse. I would smoke right before bed every night knowing that in a few hours I would be woken by the sperm donor, given my bag of circus peanuts and then taken to the shed. The circus peanuts were to keep me quiet. I was told that it was my special treat...I recently found out in conversation that Sissy was told the same exact was her special treat. Funny how we kept those secrets to ourselves for so long and we never knew that the other was being abused.


Have a great weekend, and watch the way you treat your kids because they might just spike your wine with toilet water...and who wants to drink that??

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Just one thing today...a poem I wrote. It sums up pretty much everything I have in my head today. I wish I could put this to music and have someone amazing sing it to raise awareness about child abuse.

written by me:

Can you hear me crying
Can you hear me scream
can you hear the pain in my heart?
Can YOU....
hear ME?

I sat alone in the corner
after you took the mickey out of me
you stood there looking down
my heart broken in misery

you made me what I am
you made this wounded child
you tore my life to pieces
your took away my wild

I ask you
Can you hear me crying
can you hear me scream
can you hear the pain in my heart
can YOU....
hear ME?

I sit here dank and dirty
with tear stains on my face
but no one sees the hurt inside
they all just turn away

They only see what they want to
they only hear me sing
they can not see the pain in my eyes
they can not see a thing

But can they hear me crying
can they hear me scream
can they hear the pain in my heart
can THEY....
hear ME

The years they fade to nothing
the days they go away
with each there comes a new sorrow
with each there is new pain

she'll hit me and hurt me all over
she'll tell me not to cry
if I do I'll just get some more
so I really must try

because no one hears me crying
no one hears me scream
no one hears the pain in my heart
no one....
hears me

He'll rape me in the nighttime
steal my innocence
he'll take away my childhood
leaving tears on my bed

he'll hurt me over and over
he'll have his way with me
and when I tell her reality
she'll say it's just fantasy

they refuse to hear me crying
they refuse to hear me scream
they refuse to hear the pain in my heart
they refuse
to hear me

The world doesn't like to see the evil
that lingers behind closed doors
they don't want to admit
there's an evil crawling across the floor

the world is deaf and blind
to the sad reality
that evil lingers close to home
it lives....with me

why can't they hear me crying
why can't they hear me scream
why can't they hear the pain in my heart
why can't they....
hear me?


Have a great weekend everyone and your ears and open your eyes, the evil lives everywhere! The problem is it's very good at hiding!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Look who I saw checking out my kid today

Isn't he just an amazing creature? This praying Mantis was watching Orion and his friend take turns on Orion's dirt bike earlier this afternoon. I spotted him looking around the tree at Orion as he waited for his turn. I snapped the photo then called the kids over to have a look. He was great to look at since he was cold which made him nice and slow...until the kids held him in their hands and he warmed up.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I am truly the luckiest mom in the world

I have someone who can make my day brighter, no matter how bad things seem, with just one simple smile! His smile lights up my life and makes everything seem better! Take a look and tell me you don't want to smile too!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

There she sits, alone on the wooden swing. Her bowl cut dirty blonde hair is messy, the dirt on her face is smudged with tears. Her glasses sit perched upon her face crookedly, her shirt is torn and looks as though it hadn't been washed in many a days. She sits leaning over herself, hugging herself as though she has never been hugged by another. She is clearly suffering, in pain, but no one knows why. She will never tell this dirty little secret because if she did that might be the day she dies....and in her heart she knows she must survive!

That little girl wants someone to know her story now

That day it had been a fun one. Her best friend and she had come up with the perfect plan to get together and play after school. They would each write letters to the others mother saying that it was ok for the little girl to ride the bus to her friends house to play for the afternoon. They had signed their mothers names and thought their plan was fool proof. The little girl was a little nervous, mother never let her go anywhere, not even across the street to play with the girl over there. She was always told she had plenty of brothers and sisters to play with and didn't need to go to other kids houses.

That afternoon she gave the note to her mother. She told her mother that her friend wanted her to come over and that it was ok with her mother. The mother took the note in her hand and read it, then she picked up the phone book and found the phone number for her friend. The girl thought to herself "oh no" and she knew she was going to need to hide. She thought frantically, trying to think of a place she could go where her mother might not find her, she knew she was in deep trouble. Her stomach turned as her mother clearly got an answer on the other side of the line, she could feel her heart pounding as her mother found out about the note she had sent home to her friends mother. As she tried to step away mother grabbed her by the hair on her head and held her there...too late she wasn't fast enough!

As the phone was hung up the girl began to immediately beg for mercy. She said how sorry she was, that it had been her friends idea and she just went along with it. She cried out as she was thrown to the floor knowing that the pain had only just begun. The mother screamed at the child, mother was embarrassed, the girl had made her look like a fool and she was not in the least impressed. She was crying as the mother yelled "Stop crying! You cry, you get more!" but the girl could not stop crying and so the mother kicked her in the ribs, in the stomach, the girl curled into a ball hoping she could protect herself. She was kicked  in the back, in the legs, anywhere the mother could kick. Then when it stopped she was picked up by the hair on her head and thrown out the door where she was told to get out of her mothers sight. She staggered down the steps and over to the edge of the house where the wooden beam held the swing.

And so there she sits on the wooden swing, sad and crying and clearly in pain. She suffered 2 broken ribs, numerous bruises and another blow to her self esteem. She would never gt to go to that friends house, nor to any other friends house. She never again attempted to trick her mother like that , she had learned her lesson.


I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this past week. I have listened to Sissy tell me about her boyfriend who hit her so hard he knocked her over and sprained her hip. She left him, told me she wasn't going to go back unless he got help...she was back living with him within a week. She said all the classic things...he hadn't meant to do it, he loved her, she loved him, she couldn't live without him. She wants to help him get better. I don't know how she can live the life we lived yet live with a man who abuses her and hurts her. I don't understand how she can't be stronger than that.


And a good thought for today...because  this is a special day to me :) Today is October 15th....15 years ago my husband came home from work, got down on bended knee as I washed some dishes in the sink and asked me to be his wife. I'm so glad I said "YES!"


Have a great weekend everyone. Remember you don't have to be a victim, you too can be a survivor. It's all in how you look at your life....will you remember the bad things because they make you who you are or will you look at them to know what not to do and how they make you what you are becoming? You can be what you want to be, who you want to be, you are not destined to be the victim unless you make it your destiny.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wordless Wednesday....

Something I have discovered about my son.....

He is down-right evil when he's hungry lol

Ever see that commercial on TV where the monster runs home from school  and he pops a can of  chef boyardee (at least I think that's what it is) into the microwave and once he starts eating he turns into a boy...the motto of the commercial was Feed the Monster? Well if you have then you have seen my son LOL

He wakes up in the morning grumpy and grouchy....put food into him and he turns into a human child. He comes home from school grumpy and grouchy...put food into him and he turns into a normal human child! I have come to the conclusion that whenever he is grumpy and grouchy I should just feed him and he'll turn that attitude around in minutes! Of course this means my food budget has to go up because he is amazingly hungry after school!

Here's his day  today:

Get up and eat a ham, egg and cheese omelet made with 4 eggs, 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of cheese with a sliced apple and toast.

Send him off to school with a lunchbox filled with PB&J sandwich, a bottle of juice and some town house crackers.

After school, walk in the door, grab 3 slices of cheese from the fridge, run off to the living room to turn on Tom & Jerry. Suck down cheese like there's no tomorrow and complain that he's still hungry. Give him a large bowl of SunChips, he sucks those down in about 10 minutes time and again complain he's still hungry. Give him a fully loaded ham and cheese sandwich which disappears in about 10 minutes flat...the complaining begins again. Give him a large piece of cake..he's finally happy and feels full which is good because we need to take care of homework so that we can go bowling. Take him bowling...he's hungry so he gets a bag of cheetos from the vending machine. Once those are gone he needs more money cause he's still hungry! He gets a hot dog and sucks that down pretty fast too. Get him home and guess what?...YEP he's starving lol Give him a large bowl of smartfood popcorn and he enjoys that and then complains about having to brush his teeth for bedtime guessed it...he's still hungry! Gave him another large piece of cake and sent him to bed. When he gets up he'll be starving once again and the food fight will start all over lol

He never ate like this on Adderall, it's awesome to see him eat so much food while medicated!

Monday, October 11, 2010

LOOK..thoughts from a mom

Earlier today I took Orion back to that playground I told you about in my last post. He thinks it's great that it's made entirely out of recycled milk jugs and soda bottles so he now prefers to play there over any other playground in the area.

Anyway, as I sat there watching all the children play I saw this little girl run past me. She couldn't be more than 9 or 10 years old yet written across her butt in huge white letters was the word


I sat there disgusted and appalled, dumbfounded and amazed all at the same time! First of all, what company would even sell such an item made for children, second what mother, in her right mind, would buy that for her daughter to wear at any age say nothing about a 9 or 10 year old!  In this day and age, with the knowledge that there are pediphiles everywhere, why on earth would anyone want to bring attention to her daughters butt?  I just don't understand the mentality! Why do we want our children to grow up so fast? Why do we want them to be miniature adults and wear clothing that asks for the wrong kind of attention? How can these mothers not see that they are asking for trouble when they allow their daughters to dress in that manner?


Can you imagine ever putting that on your daughters behind? I am a child abuse survivor, perhaps that makes me overly protective but seriously this just seems wrong on so many levels! I can only hope that I never see that childs face on the local news because she's been abducted, raped, murdered or some other awful thing!


Look around you and think for just one moment. Look at how your children are dressed, look at how their friends are dressed, look at how grown up they look wearing their Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana outfits. Look at how society sexualizes children before they hit puberty, look at what our children are being taught about their bodies before they even need to know the information. I see it everyday at the playgrounds, at the school when I pick up my son, at the mall, it's everywhere. Little girls being dressed like little women, what message are they being sent? Mini-mini skirts and skinny jeans on little girls may seem cute and it may be tempting to ohh and aww over how grown up they look, but why do they need to look that way? Why can't little girls just be little girls?

LOOK and then tell me, why do children have to grow up so fast??

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger

I have been terrible about updates so here I am to post a bit about everything that's going on in my little world :)

As I mentioned Orions hamster passed away and that brought back all those sad feelings about the cat Sparky and so we have been dealing with all that. Orion did go out and buy himself a new hamster but soon found out why mom said it wasn't really a good can not replace one pet with another no matter how cute it is. He likes the new hamster, but he did not fix the sadness of losing Bounce.

Last week I also had a Parent/Teacher meeting at the school. The teachers asked me if he was on medication at all these days because they do not see it working at all. 18 mg of Concerta clearly is not enough. He's distracted, fidgety, bouncy, and pretty much all over the place. Of course I had expected this response from them and was basically waiting to hear it from them before calling the doctor to get a different dosage. I have seen him at home on the 18 mg and I knew it was not going to be enough.  Of course hubby didn't want to up the dosage for 2 reasons...1) he's afraid that a higher dosage of a different stimulant will only cause the same moodiness we had before on the higher dosage of Adderall (Orion has been such a happy boy on the 18mg, it's nice to see) and 2) he doesn't want to spend the money on the co-pay for another bottle of medicine when he haven't gotten through this first bottle. Of course I can not, in my right mind, send him to school with only 18mg in his body for an entire month just because we don't want to spend the money...he'll fall behind and have way too much to catch up on. I can't allow it to happen! I spoke with the pediatricians office and we are basically doubling his dosage so I can give him 2 of the 18mg to use up the bottle. On 2 pills he's much more stable, in control of his actions and much easier to deal with. 

Then this past Thursday our older cat Rex came home after being attacked by a coyote! He has some good bite wounds and some bruising. Nothing is broken but I am worried about him none the less. He's almost 15 years old  and weighs 30 pounds...NO FOOLING! He loves to be outdoors hunting and chasing rodents...I worry because usually he's fighting me to get outdoors and the past few days he's done nothing but lay on his pillow in the basement. We're giving him antibiotics and hoping for the best. The skin on his belly is bright red and hot to the touch suggesting some kind of infection, we're hoping the antibiotics will work for him and kill off whatever is in there.  Of course this is not good for Orion's mental state and he's now very worried that he's going to lose yet another pet!  I spend my days consoling the boy, trying to get the cat to eat and drink and trying to keep his wounds clean with warm compresses. It hasn't been a very fun Columbus Day weekend for us.

I did take Orion to a new playground yesterday. It just opened up last month and according to the newspapers it's the largest eco-friendly playground in the country. It's an elaborate 10,000-square-foot playground made out recycled plastic milk jugs and soda bottles! Even the base for the ground is made out of the milk jugs and soda bottles and supposedly (although I don't want Orion testing it out) can absorb a fall from a height of 9 feet. Orion had a good amount of fun until he saw a bunch of yellow jackets flying around and then he wanted to go home...he's terrified of yellow jackets ever since he got stung a few years back. Anyway, I am hoping to get him back there often since it's nice and new and clean...and eco-friendly.

That's about it for news this week. I'm sorry there was no Thoughtful Thursday again but as I mentioned that's the day the cat came home all banged up so that wiped everything from my mind..I didn't even facebook LOL I promise next week I'll have something for ya :)