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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Some reflections

Orion has this girl that he likes to play with occassionally. She is a really sweet girl, adopted from Russia by her parents, and has a few issues like speech and hearing. She struggles in school but somehow maintains enough to stay within her grade level. She's 10 years old, socially a little immature, but for the most part she's a good kid.

She was over here the other day and her mother told her before coming that she wasn't allowed to play in Orions bedroom alone because they had to keep the playdate "clean" (yes she used the word clean) Well we don't really have the space for Orion to have his own playroom so the vast majority of his toys and electronic equipment is in his bedroom (keyboard, video games, computer and a tv with DVD player) I allowed them to play in there, they just had to keep the door open.

While she was here I took them over to the school playground and parking lot where they could ride Orions dirtbike without being in traffic. It was at this time that the girl says to me "When I grow up I'm going to marry young, say maybe 20 years old. I'm going to marry a man with a motorcycle and money" It struck me as odd that this girl has no big plans in her future except to marry money.

An hour or so after that her mother came to pick her up and I mentioned this to her mother and her mothers response was "as long as he has money" Then she tells me that the world needs physicians and beauticians and that her daughter can be the beautician who marries the physician because she's never going to be smart enough to do anything else.

Isn't that so sad??

I think so...and now I know why her daughters only dreams are to marry young and marry into money.

Personally I think it's a shame! I know that the girl struggles with school, I know she has issues and learning problems, but why not get her some medication for her ADHD,  get her some tutors and encourage her to be the best that she can be. Why not teach her to, at the very least, be self-sufficient so that she doesn't have to rely on a man to take care of her. Don't get me wrong, I totally rely on my hubby for our financial needs. I didn't finish college and I had a lot of trouble learning things but when I was in my 20's I was a general manager of 4 Dunkin Donuts, I could have taken care of myself if I truly needed to but I did have my hubby and together we did so many fun things. It was comforting to know that I could have taken care of myself if I needed to. Of course now here I am almost 40, haven't been in the work force for over 10 years and have only worked part time from home as an independent contractor and a lot of employers don't consider that serious work or verifiable work. I am struggling to get an education from home so that maybe in another 6 months or so I can go back into the work force and make more than the average Dunkin Donuts cashier. All I ever wanted to be was a mom, I wanted to grow up, get married and have babies. Reality is here and although I have everything I ever wanted I am finding that I really should have put myself out there more, I really should have had bigger dreams because if anythng were to happen to my hubby or my marriage I would be in deep doo-doo and I would have a very hard time supporting myself and my son. I didn't look at the bigger picture!

I can only hope that this little girl learns that she needs to have bigger dreams and she is going to need to be able to make a living because bad things happen all the time and there's nothing worse than looking at your life and knowing that you would not be ok if anything should happen to that one person you married. You simply need to want to be more...I hope that in time I will be more and then I can show my son that girls can be more, moms can be more and we can still be good moms.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Weekend observations

Well after 2 days of the new medication I am definitely feeling I have made the right decision and I'm feeling I really should have followed my gut months ago and switched earlier. Although Orion is still a little hyperactive on this dosage, I know that we can go up from the 18mg and I am betting that's exactly what we will be doing. I have written a note to his homeroom teacher requesting that she and the other teachers please report to me his distraction level at school so that I can know if he is just letting loose at home and in reality is able to control himself on this dosage. He seemed to have some level of distractability this past weekend even though he was medicated, but the changes to his attitude and emotional health were what has me sold that this is the right decision for him.

Previously, if he was distracted from a task and you reminded him what he was supposed to be doing, you would have found yourself getting screamed at and then he would melt down, call himself stupid and he would fall apart emotionally. He was constantly angry and verbally abusive to the extent that you wanted to send him to his room and close the door and not even be around him. It broke my heart, but he was just too much to deal with. It was like a teenager on steroids! He treated me and  his father like he hated us and treated the dog even worse. But now, on this new medication, when you point out that he is off task you get nothing but an "I'm sorry" and then right back to what he was supposed to be doing. There is no more fighting, no more yelling, and I am happy to spend tons of time around my child. I am eager to watch him play, laugh and smile. I can see and feel his happiness and it's a wonderful thing. On the adderall he told me he could not feel happy, after just 2 days on the Concerta he says "It's nice to feel happy again"  I feel like this is almost a miracle drug and the best part is hubby agreeing that I did indeed do the right thing and that perhaps he really should have listened to me months ago when I told him the adderall was messing with the boys emotions and that we needed to switch medications. I love it when I get an "I told you so" Just goes to prove (yet again) that mommy gut is always right and people (aka hubby)  just need to respect that! Mom truly does know what she's talking about when it comes to the child so shut up and listen...geez life would be so much easier if people (again aka hubby) would just let me do what I do a great mother to my boy!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

We're switching

Yesterday I mentioned Orion's recent meltdown and confession that he could not feel happy on the Adderall XR. I took him in to see the doctor yesterday afternoon and the doctor agreed with me that something was very wrong. I told him that my "mommy gut" was telling me that we needed a change and he says to me "a change or stop?" He was thinking that maybe we should consider stopping all meds for awhile and see what happens...I had to laugh! There is no way in hell that child could go to school without his meds, nope, no way no how! Those poor teachers lol I can barely handle his inability to pay attention and I can only imagine how challenging that would be when you have 20 other kids to motivate as well. I emphasized a change, not a stop.

We are going to switch him to Concerta 18mg to start and go from there. The doctor says that in general if Adderall doesn't work then Concerta does. They both are stimulants to treat ADHD but they work a little differently in how they effect the brain chemicals. Hopefully this is what Orion needs. I can't have my little boy being depressed all the time, I can't have him angry and verbally abusive all the time. I can't have him lose friends again because he is so hard to tolerate when he takes the meds but so impossible when he isn't on meds. I won't lie, I am scared and worried about the switch. Change is scary in general and when it comes to something like this it seems even scarier! I worry that he will suffer even worse side effects than he had on the adderall, I worry that he won't sleep or eat or that he will spiral into a deep depression. I have read that the risk of suicide while on Concerta is much higher, but perhaps those people were just on the wrong meds. Perhaps all stimulants will have these side effects with Orion and he will just have to learn to deal with it or deal with the ADHD. There are so many unknowns and I hate unknowns when it comes to my kid. 

We will start the concerta today and see what happens....wish us luck!

Just a side note that my friend Angel called yesterday, her results came back normal, just a fibrous cyst and not anything to worry about! THANK GOODNESS!

Friday, September 24, 2010

I know this is a day late, but yesterday was a long day! First of all, Orion was a challenge getting off to school, hubby was home and my long time friend needed an ear for a situation that took all thought of everything else from my mind!

My long-time friend Angel called me, she was a bit upset with good reason! She had gone in for her first mammogram and they called her asking her to come back in for a second scan and an ultrasound. She called me because I have been there, been there a few times actually, and I so know how she feels right now. Mine came back as pre-cancerous and the lump was removed....I was 20 years old! This coming February I will turn 40, this coming May will be 20 years since my lump was're never too young to feel your boobies and know them well! Angel will go in for her followup this afternoon, I will be thinking about her all day today!


My Sissy is having a rough time too. Her boyfriend decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. He said she could stay there in his house until she can save up enough money to get her own place, her heart is broken. I have spent the past couple of days texting with her trying to help her feel better and help her make decisions about her future. She just needs a sounding wall and who better than her Sissy and best friend.


And finally Orion has been struggling as well. He broke down the other night and told me he feels like he hasn't been happy, really truly happy, in 3 years. I didn't realize he felt this way. He has had mood swings ans irritability, but I hadn't realized how bad it really was. I spent nearly an hour talking to him before work on Wednesday night. We came to the decision that I will call the doctor  and see what his opinion is as far as either cutting the dosage back or switching meds completely. We will go in and see the doctor this afternoon.


I'm off for today, have a good weekend and enjoy your little ones :)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Bowling Season has begun

I love candlepin bowling, I love it even more when I get to do it with my boy. Up until this year,  I have only bowled with Orion during the summers and then in the fall/winter leagues he would bowl in a juniors league and I bowled in a ladies league. Of course Orion seemed to always get teamed up with some kid who would only show up half the time and it made it less fun for him. This past year, his teammate only showed up 50% of the time and Orion got fed up, he asked if I would be willing to bowl in an adult/youth league with him instead of on the ladies league. Of course I jumped at the chance...I LOVE bowling with my boy!

So tonight was our first night on the adult/youth bowling league for the fall/winter season! We both did pretty good and even more important, we had a great time together. So now, every Tuesday night I will be at the bowling alley with Orion knocking down some pins and cheering him on as he builds his skills in bowling!

A new look for fall

I figured since fall is pretty much here I might change things a little and give the blog a fall make-over. I even created a new signature tag for all my posts :) I miss the beautiful maples of Vermont so when I found this background image in the templates area I just had to go for makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Monday, September 20, 2010

10 Years...Happy Birthday to us both!

My Sweet Bugaboo!

On the morning of September 20, 2000 I knew my life was about to change. I had barely slept a wink the night before knowing that in the morning I would be bringing a new life into this world. I knew, through ultrasound pictures, that this baby was to be a boy and that his name was to be Orion Xavier. I knew he was going to change me as a person, I just had no idea how much!

That morning hubby and I went out to breakfast....or should I say hubby went out to breakfast, I was just there begging and pleading with him to just take me to the hospital so we could get on with it lol I was excited, I was scared, I was going to be a new mom and it was something I had been waiting for all my life! I didn't want to wait for him to eat those pancakes and eggs or drink that orange juice, I just wanted to go have my baby. I certainly didn't have the appetite or desire to eat the food he tried to order for me...besides the point I didn't think I was supposed to eat just in case something went wrong.  To top it off, I had had a dream the night the brief amount of sleep that I did get...and I knew (because of that dream) that the entire process was only going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! 

Finally around 7:30am hubby and I arrived at labor and delivery. We had pre-registered so all we had to do was sign a couple of papers and get settled into our room that was already assigned to us. I got into my pretty hospital gown and got strapped into that heartbeat monitor that Orion hated so much. Every time they strapped it on my belly he would move away or kick it...and he was truly out of room in there! Just before 8am my IV was put in and at 8am my pitocin drip was started. Contractions came immediately! 

My mother in law arrived shortly after the drip started and told me there was a pool at her house concerning the time of birth...I told her I didn't know the time but that it was going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! I told her about my dream...she laughed. She has 3 boys and knew that, in general, the first is usually the longest and the hardest and that we would probably be there much longer than that. I was confident...5 hours and 10 minutes!

A short while after starting the pitocin drip my doctor came in and looked at the monitor...she noticed I was having contractions and asked if I was feeling them. Personally I thought it was a dumb question...of course I could feel them...hell they HURT...but when I replied with an "Oh yeah I feel those!" the nurse laughed (or should I say giggled) and it made me think that maybe I was being a wimp, that maybe this was the easy part and it was only going to get worse. I decided then and there that I was a wimp and that I would not complain about pain or contractions, I would not ask for pain meds of any kind for quite awhile. I gritted my teeth, I held my stuffed dog Spot, I tried to listen to my Mother in law and husband talking, but it hurt and I couldn't concentrate on anything but the pain.  My mother in law rubbed my feet through each contraction (which by the way I highly recommend cause it really helps) and time stood still. The doctor came in and broke the amniotic sac...this intensified the contractions even more! Before I knew it hubby was asking the nurse if I could have pain meds because he couldn't stand to see me in that kind of pain any longer, the nurse said the doctor had to check me first. The doctor checked and I was at 9cm...too late for meds. She told me I could go ahead and push if I felt the need. It didn't seem to be very long before I was screaming for my doctor because the baby was coming, I could tell. The nurse ran to get my doctor but she was with an emergency delivery and so the nurse grabbed some other guy and dragged him into the room. He snipped, I pushed, and out came my beautiful baby boy!

As the doctor helped hubby cut the cord I ask my mother in law what time  it was 1:10pm exactly 5 hours and 10 minutes! 


As I sit here 10 years later, I am amazed at how far we have both come. I never thought I could love anyone so deeply, so intensely. I never knew the impact that one small person could have on my life. I am an entirely different person now, I grow and change every single day because I want to be the best that I can be for this one person! I love my hubby, I have loved him from the moment I laid eyes upon him but even that love pales in comparison to the love I have for this boy, my Sweet Bugaboo. I am amazed at the young man he has become and I can only imagine the man he will grow to be. 

10 years ago, September 20,2000 was the best day of my life! It was the day all my dreams came true and I became Orions Mom

From Blogger Pictures

Friday, September 17, 2010

Sickness abounds

I have been sick since Monday, Orion has been sick as well just not as sick as me....thankfully!  I hate nothing more than when my baby is sick. He has a birthday party tomorrow, we both need to be healthy by then. Today I need to bake a cake, take the boy out to buy some party favors for the party and try to nail down the final head count.

Speaking of the head count, is it too much to ask that people call and confirm that they are or are not coming? Is it too much to ask especially since I already called them and left messages on their machines to please call me and let me know since I'm trying to get a head count?? And to top it off, one of these people is Orions best friend.....or should I say supposed best friend. I say this because I just don't know how to read this one. See this girl comes to our house, Orion goes to her house, they play well together but last weekend when I asked her if she was coming to the party she said she didn't know. I asked her mother when she picked her up and mom said something about a wedding shower and she would call me.....she never called. Then Orion asked the girl at school and she said she wasn't coming because she doesn't like bowling (Orion is having a bowling party) I called the mothers cell phone to confirm and the girl answered and said they were at her sisters lacrosse game and they would have to call back...they never called. Here we are on Friday before the party and I don't know if she is coming or not. I feel like we're being blown off, I just don't know why. It's kind of unnerving. See, in the spring, when she turned 10 she didn't have a party but Orion insisted on buying her a birthday present anyway. He had saved money up to buy her a really nice present, he actually spent way more than I normally would of approved of and bought her the pokemon gold game for Nintendo DS. He had saved his allowance for months and had thought long and hard about this, but he was determined to buy her that game. He wrapped it up nice and took it to her house, wished her a happy birthday. He remembered her even though she wasn't having a party. He would do anything for this girl yet it seems she does not give back quit as much. Do I expect her to drop $35 on a birthday gift?? no, I don't, I don't even care about her bringing a gift honestly. I just care about the fact that she would say that she isn't coming to his party because she doesn't like bowling. Personally, if it were me, I would go regardless of whether or not I liked bowling simply because my friend was having a birthday party. I don't know if Orion heard her correctly or not, I don't know if she really said it the way he said she did, and I really don't know if I should approach the mother about this because I don 't know exactly what went down. I know Orion often takes things the wrong way, he's extra sensitive that way, I don't want to sound like the over-bearing mother who just takes her kids side no matter what, but I also know if it did go down the way it did then that was pretty rude and inconsiderate on her part. I just don't know what to do about this one.


OK enough of that, I'll figure it out eventually I am sure and if not, oh well, my kid is going to have a fun time at his party. He has 9 confirmed guests and I get this feeling that I am forgetting someone lol I do that often, that's where my kid gets the ADD in his ADHD lol He gets the H from his dad. His grandmother will be there and after the party she will take him to her house for an overnight. He's going to have cake and soda and bowling....3 of his favorite things! Today I will bake his cake, I will decorate it and make it special for him. I will take him out shopping for party favors and we will both be healthy for this party. Last year I had no voice for his party, this year I will have a voice, I will be better. I sound pathetic don't I. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something...which of course I am. I just want everything to be perfect for my special mans special day!

From Blogger Pictures

Friday, September 10, 2010

I know, I know, I was bad last week and I didn't make my weekly therapy session. I'm a bad girl....and to top it off I almost missed this weeks, but technically it's still Thursday while I'm typing so as long as I can type this up in less than 24 minutes I'm all set lol

This past week I've been reflecting a lot about my 5th grade year. As I work with my son to learn his multiplication tables so that he can make it through his "mad minutes" I am finding myself remembering all those little tricks that Mr. Hutchinson taught me to help me back then.

Mr. Hutchinson was my 5th grade teacher, he had brown hair and a brown beard to match. He had a smile that made the girls swoon and we all longed for that special one on one time with him. He was one of those teachers you never forgot because he actually seemed to care about  whether or not you succeeded. So when I was struggling with some of my multiplication tables he taught me little rhymes like "8 times 8, throw it on the floor. Pick it up you got 64" To this day, when I come upon this basic math question, I find myself saying that in my head. I taught it to Orion, he thought it was silly BUT then today he ran up to me after school and says to me "What we did last night really worked mom, I got 7 more questions today than yesterday" See "Mad Minutes" is this test the kids get daily, it's 40 multiplication questions and they have 1 minute to answer as many as possible. The goal is to get at least 30 of them in the time limit. Orion has always struggled with these, not because he doesn't know the answers, but simply because he suffers from MAJOR test anxiety and time obsession. He gets so wrapped up in the fact that he only has 1 minute that he can't get the questions answered because he watches the clock, then he gets all worried that he hasn't answered enough questions that he freezes. So here at home we practice. I use an actual mad minute test and I ask him the questions and tell him to answer as fast as possible. When he struggles I try to find a shortcut to help him out. After awhile of drilling orally I give him the paper and time him. When he struggles we go over the questions again and then time again. We probably spend close to an hour doing math facts every night. But it has paid off because on Tuesday he got 8 questions, on Wednesday he got 17, then today he got 24! He's getting close to the 30 goal and I am very proud of him for it! If it weren't for Mr. Hutchinson being so understanding and helpful I would not have this wonderful way to help my boy succeed!


Another thing about 5th I have mentioned before, it was the next to last day of my 5th grade year that I was placed into foster care and my life changed forever!


Another reflection this baby is going to be 10 years old soon! I can't believe it! For his birthday we are taking him to see our favorite band Rush in concert! The concert is next week Tuesday, a week before his real birthday, but hey we couldn't get Rush to change their tour schedule to make sure they were in Boston on the 20th lol  It's still just about the coolest birthday present ever and he'll get to skip school on Wednesday because I'm sure he'll be a bit tired considering he won't get home until well after midnight! I just can't believe it's been a full decade since my baby boy arrived and I fell into the purest and deepest love I have ever known! Not even the love for my husband can compare to the love I have for this wonderful boy that is mine!

Well, looks like I'm gonna miss my midnight deadline, hope my therapist forgives me for being late to yet another appointment. I know I didn't talk about the egg donor or the sperm donor, but this is my therapy session and I get to talk about whatever I want to lol

Have a great week everyone and be sure to look back every once in awhile because when you do you may just find the answer your child needs! I know I did....thanks to a wonderful 5th grade teacher! I wish I could thank him, unfortunately I have no way to do that so I hope someone out there has thanked him so he knows how appreciated his hard work is!

Thanks Mr. H, you were awesome!

From Blogger Pictures

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

We had a moment.......

Every night I settle Orion into bed and read to him. I have done this every single night of his life except the nights when he slept over at his grandparents and I wasn't able to. I generally read for 45 minutes to an hour. This is our time, the time before I go to work and he goes off to dreamland, our quiet time when it's just him and me. When he was real little I would finish reading to him and then lay down with him until he fell asleep, as he got older and I started working nights that changed to me reading to him and then him either reading to himself or playing his Nintendo DS for a little bit before he fell asleep.

Last night was different

Last night I tucked him in and began to read. 1/2 hour into reading time I had finished Charlie Bone book 2 and Orion begged for me to start book 3. We pulled it off the shelf and I read the first chapter. By then it was 10 minutes to my work time so I closed the book and offered him his DS to play for a bit. I leaned over and hugged him tight and told him I love him and he hugged me back and handed back the DS. He looks up at me and says "Actually mom, can we just cuddle for 10 minutes?" I couldn't possibly say no so I wrapped my arms around my boy, he wrapped an arm around me and cuddled up close. I turned off the desk lamp and lay there with him like we used to, just him and me. His breathing settled, he relaxed, and within minutes my boy was sound asleep...but I lay there with him, holding my baby boy for the entire 10 minutes just like he wanted because that's what he needed, it's what I needed, and it felt wonderful! It was one of those moments that you hold onto and want to relive over and over again because it's so special and you know you were lucky to have it.

From Blogger Pictures

Sunday, September 5, 2010