My Tickers

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Whatever happened to Saturday morning cartoons???

This morning my son got up and as usual turned on the tv. As he searched through the guide I couldn't help but notice that the regular stations like ABC, NBC, CBS etc all had infomercials on and not a single cartoon. I realize there are now channels dedicated to kids programming, stations like Nick and Cartoon Network, but they don't always have programs that my son likes, they are on all the time .....and that's not the point! I feel like my kid is missing out on something wonderful, a favorite childhood pastime.

When I was a kid (and don't even get me started on how old I feel just saying that) every Saturday morning you turned on the tv  to CBS and you watched the Saturday morning cartoons. You got to watch such great things like Tom and Jerry or the Bugs Bunny Show. They were classics, fun programs that made you laugh and start your weekend off right. A kid can't seem to do that anymore because if they turn on those channels they are going to get things like P90X or some mini blender. There's great ways to lose weight, ways to camouflage your hair loss and ways to make yourself more beautiful or youthful looking...but sadly no laughter, no funnies, nothing for the children to enjoy. I remember the excitement of waiting all week just to see what thy would create next, what the next episode would be, or if perhaps they would play some really good old one that you hadn't seen in a really long time. It was something to look forward to, something to eat breakfast to, something to make the weekends extra special. They just aren't special anymore.

I really wish I knew what happened to Saturday morning cartoons cause they were one if the great things about bing a kid and I wish my kid could have experienced it.

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I am numb today, sadness sits in my heart and i do not want to feel anything. I don't want to remember, I don't want to cry, but still I do both and it's breaking my heart! Yesterday I knew I would feel this, yesterday I knew this was coming, but yesterday it was not here and real so I would like to go back to yesterday until I am ready to face today.


Today my son feels the pain I felt years ago, that emptiness that sits inside you, around you, encloses you like a cold blanket that weighs too much to lift off. It is not a good place to be and it's breaking my heart to watch him deal with this pain, this hurt, this sadness that lingers and just wont go away.

That is my boy just 3 years ago, the one below is me at just about the same age. My boy was so happy that day, the day before he had found this little kitten and we had told him he could keep it, that he could raise it and give it a good home. I was of the same feeling in that photo of me...that pup was mine (although in that photo she is no longer a puppy, it is the only photo of us I do have).

He named his kitten Sparky, because it was right before 4th of July and he reminded Orion of the color of fireworks, I named mine Mitsy, a character from a book I was reading.  We both loved our animals very deeply, we played with them and we fed them, we took good care of our animals. However we both had our animals leave us when they were way too young and now those smiles, that happiness, it's all just faded memories, memories that have been replaced by the image of a dead animal, happy playful memories now replaced with the sad ones of burying a beloved friend.

Poor Orion is hurting and although I can relate and I can sympathize, I can not take this away from him, I can not change it, and that knowledge breaks my heart. We created that slideshow yesterday, we worked hard to go through all the photos of our friend and added them with care. We needed to replace the last moment with the happy memories so that we could somehow go onward and face each new day without our friend. Together we put Sparky's name on the Rainbow Bridge website so that he can be included in the Monday night candle vigil next week. I read the story to Orion and we talked about how we will see our friends again someday. I hope it helped him to know I understand his pain as deeply as he feels it.

So today I feel numb because if I allow myself to feel the depth of my pain I will not be able to help my boy deal with his grief. He is brokenhearted by a terrible loss, the lost of a best friend!


No magical words this week, just love your pets deeply and never take them for granted because you never know when they will be gone from your life forever and when they are gone, that shredded piece of furniture, those shredded drapes, that old worn out blanket they used to sleep on will be the only things you have left to hold.

From Blogger Pictures

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

RIP Sparky

Sparky finally passed away as we expected him to, he went to the rainbow bridge at about 8:30pm tonight. He will be dearly missed!

From Blogger Pictures

Another Sparky post....

Although you might tire of reading about Sparky he truly is the one thing on our minds these days. Last night, after I made that post, I finished up work and went in to check on our little kitty friend. He lifted his head when I entered and I went over to his crate and sat down on the floor beside it. When I opened the door to pet him he used what little strength he had to drag himself out of his crate and into my lap. I say drag because he couldn't really use his back legs, they just wouldn't support his weight. You have to understand something here, Sparky has NEVER been a lap cat! He would lay next to you on the couch, but he has not laid in anyone's lap since he was a tiny kitten. I held him like a baby and petted him gently, he closed his eyes and breathed so slowly he looked like he was completely comfortable. We stayed like that for close to an hour, him just relaxing in my arms, me just petting him and talking to him. I finally laid him back in his crate and went to bed thinking he probably wouldn't make it through the night, I figured that was his way of saying good-bye.

This morning I awoke to see him laying there in his crate, still alive, still breathing, but barely. He only has the strength to lift his head, he can't seem to do much else. I petted him, changed his bedding and talked to him for a bit. Orion got up and immediately went in to check on him, I picked Sparky up and helped Orion hold him for awhile while petting his head and loving on him. We put him back into his crate, opened the shade so that the sunlight could fall upon him (he always loved laying in the morning sun) and he is now relaxing in his crate in the sunlight.

I know I keep saying it, he can't last much longer, but this time I think the end truly is here for this poor kitty. I am sure that my next post will be a memorial post. As I watched him lay in his crate unable to do more than lift his head and look up at me, I could see just how very tired he truly is. He may fight, he may try to hang on, but he is tired and he will have to let go soon. He is losing this battle, the only thing that seems to bring us peace is the fact that he breaths slowly, appears relaxed and not in pain. He is just fading away quietly, heading for the rainbow bridge.

From Blogger Pictures

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Another Sparky update

Would you believe me if I told you he's still hanging in there and even though he shows all signs of being in acute renal failure...meaning his kidneys are shot...he's peeing blood clots, he hasn't eaten anything since Thursday (5 days) and hasn't drank more than a teaspoon of liquid since Friday (4 days)??  Yep, amazing as it sounds he is still hanging around, still trying to hang on!

We are keeping him isolated in a crate in a different room from the other cats and he is just laying there very quiet and looks at peace with the world. He rolled over and let me rub his belly today...something he has never enjoyed or done before! He actually just closed his eyes and if he could have purred I am sure he would have. I don't know what to make of this animal, I never thought he would hang on for this long but yet every time I go in to check on him he's still thee twitching his tail looking around like he hasn't a care in the world. He has lost a lot of weight (goes without saying since he hasn't eaten or drank anything really)  and I keep finding myself amazed at his will to live. Although he simply won't if he keeps refusing food and liquids. Today when Orion and I tried to give him liquid he crawled to the back of the crate and turned his back toward us as if to say "I'm not talking to you until you take that away" Sure enough, as soon as we took the water away he crawled his way back to the front of the crate and lay down to get a belly rub.

Of course all this is only encouraging Orion to believe the cat will live, that he can fight off whatever is causing this...which in the opinion of the vet is probably his distemper shot. Apparently it damages the kidneys and animals that are predisposed toward kidney issues are often the victims. They have seen kidney failure in cats as young as 4 years old...which is how old Sparky is. Let me tell ya, I will NEVER give another cat the distemper shot!

From Blogger Pictures

Monday, July 26, 2010

Update on our Sparky

Amazingly Sparky is still alive this morning. He seems to go from looking like he's on deaths door to looking like he might actually recover from whatever is making him so ill. His gums have turned a little pink, but they still have that chocolate brown tinge to them, his tongue as well.  His eyes go between being fully dilated to looking almost normal. Yesterday he took a few drops of water as long as we dripped it into his mouth off our fingers, but today he pulls his head away. He refuses food and has not eaten a single thing since Thursday, I just don't see how much longer he can hold on. He seems to be fighting this with every bit of fight in him, he always was an ornery one, but there will come a point where he just can't hold on any longer. A part of me wishes he would just let go because this is tearing Orion to pieces!  Poor Orion has watched other animals die, he has seen numerous hamsters go and has even seen some cats go, but this is the first cat that he has raised from kittenhood. Sparky is the second kitten that Orion found and wanted to keep. So this one is extra hard on him because he helped to raise Sparky after finding him abandoned in the woods as a tiny kitten. Orion keeps seeing him get a little better and starts hoping that he'll be alright, he keeps hoping for some kind of miracle. This morning I thought for sure we were at the end because Sparky was just laying there on his side and didn't appear to even have the energy to lift his head. But of course within an hour of Orion kissing him on the head he's holding his head up and even trying to walk. It's almost like he's trying to hold on for the boy's sake! Orion went from telling Sparky it was ok to go on over to the Rainbow Bridge to thinking that maybe, just maybe he'll get better afterall. I hate this! As a rational adult I know that this cat is not going to get better. The vet has told us that without spending thousands of dollars on tests and possibly a liver transplant this cat is not going to get better and even then he still might not survive. We can not afford to spend all our savings on a cat, no matter how much we love him! Then to think that if we did that and he still died, we would then be out a cat and our savings....we just can not take the risk.

And so we still sit here waiting for what we believe to be inevitable, waiting for the end to come to this poor kitty. I am sure that no matter how strong he is, he can  not fight too much longer, the question is how much longer can he really hold on. The vet suggested spending the $300 to have him put to sleep, that seems crazy to me! He doesn't appear to be in any pain still so I see no reason to not just wait this out and let nature do its thing. It may take longer, but at least he will be here at home with the people he knows and loves in  his own environment. We all agree that if he does show signs of pain then we will at that point consider taking him in to the vets office to be put down, but until that time mother nature wins out.

From Blogger Pictures

Saturday, July 24, 2010

It's a sad day in our house

We woke up  this morning to our cat Sparky vomiting in the bay window, vomit on the rug and the cat looking very ill indeed. He hasn't been acting right the past week, yesterday he was drooling and yowling loudly. Today he is in the cat crate in my sons room so that he can quietly rest, but he does not look good, as a matter of fact he very much reminds me of our cat Cartman who died a couple years ago of multi-system failure. He is sleeping mostly, but periodically yowling out as though he is scared, he does not appear to be in any pain at all. His gums and tongue have turned a chocolatey brown, his normal orange color has faded to a brownish orange and he is breathing very shallow. It looks like he is at the end and he's only about 4 years old! Orion is beside himself with worry, praying for a miracle that may not come. I called the vet and they of course suggested bringing him in for testing but said if his gums were brown then he is probably in the end stages of respiratory failure and would end up needing to b put to sleep....which would cost us $85 for the office visit and $250 to put him down. They suggested that as long as he is not in pain we just make him comfortable and let him pass here at home...which is what we are going with. They felt there would be nothing they could do for him.

And so here we sit, checking in on him periodically trying to pass the time until he fades and we have to put him in the ground. I pray he lasts long enough for hubby to get home from work and say good-bye.

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thoughtful Thursday.......................

Let me first tell you a story of a little girl, a girl who was scared and tired of the stuff that was going on at home. She was in 1st grade and thought that maybe, just maybe, if she told someone her story they would be able to help. She really liked her teacher, so one day she stayed behind at recess time to talk to her.

The little girl stood there in the shadow of the teacher, twisting her hands together in nervousness, standing on her own toes, wriggling in the nervousness and shame of what she was about to tell. She had been told not to tell by her evil sperm donor, but this was something that her gut told her she needed to tell about. This was not a secret she should keep. Her blonde hair hung in her face, dirty and greasy it hung in strands covering her eyes. Her shirt was dirty and ragged looking, her pants torn and frayed and nearly 2 inches too short. As she looked down at her feet she could hear the taunts of the others students "You expecting a flood?" they would jeer while laughing at her misery, if only a flood would come and wash her away from this horribly sad world she had to live in. If only they had to endure the pain and suffering she had to, maybe then they wouldn't tease her quite so much.

She looked up at her teacher and said in a quiet voice, barely audible"my daddy hurts me" The teacher smiled her friendly smile and replies "well sometimes daddy has to spank because we do things wrong. He's just trying to teach you to be a good girl" The little girl feels the hot tears welling up in her eye, draws a deep breath of courage and says "no, he doesn't spank me, he hurts me down there" with trembling hands she points to her midsection and waits with bated breath for the teacher to speak.  This is it she thought, now I can be saved. Her disappointment had only just begun. As she looked up at her teacher, she knew by the smile, the pause in reply, the vacant look in her eyes, the girl knew she was not going to get help today.  The teacher simply replied "but dear, that's how our daddy shows us he loves us" With that the little girl put her fake smile back on and walked away, she would not be saved today!


That little girl grew up with that memory permanently embedded in her  mind. She never forgot those words..that's how daddy shows that he loves us....she clearly had been hurt by her daddy too. I guess it was more common place back then. or perhaps she just didn't want to get involved, I'm not sure. One thing i know for sure.....that was not the right answer and that is why I write this blog! I spent many years trying to figure out why that teacher would tell me such a thing, why would she think it was ok? Even if she had been abused herself, she was now a grown-up, she could have and should have helped me escape. What is it with this mentality of it happened to me so that makes it ok for me to do it to others or to watch it happen to others and turn a blind eye upon it? I know it is now the law that teachers and doctors who suspect abuse must report it, I am not sure if it was back then or not. It was the late 70's so I don't think the law had actually been passed yet. Perhaps that teacher was just living with the mentality of what happens at home stays at home and felt she was only responsible for what happened in her classroom. Perhaps she thought it best that she not get involved. I don't know what she was thinking, but again I say it was wrong and I am glad the rules have changed so that other children can be saved.


The other day I was reading Harry Potter to my son, it was the 6th book and we were reading the chapter where Dumbledore shows Harry the first Slughorn memory...the one that had been tampered with. I couldn't help but think to myself that is how a lot of my memories feel, blurry and faded, like I don't know exactly what really happened. The voices aren't quite right, the scenes are quite clear, and I wonder once again if there is something blocking that darkness. I know I had my zone that I would go into, that place where I could go in my mind to escape the reality I was stuck in. I know I have darkness hidden in my mind that apparently was too evil for me to cope with so my mind protected me by making me forget. I am of two minds when it comes to those memories...a part of me wants to know and a part of me wants to keep it all hidden away and never know just how bad it really was. That part of me believes that if it was so bad that I had to block it out and forget it, then perhaps I really just don't want to know! Perhaps it truly is best left forgotten forever! But then again, if Harry had not gotten the true memory then perhaps he never would have defeated Voldemort. Perhaps I will never defeat my Voldemort until I find my inner Harry Potter and reveal those memories.

I also think it would be really cool to have one of those pensieves so I could dump my memories that I don't want and only keep the good ones! THAT would be awesome!

Alright people, that's it for this weeks edition of Thoughtful Thursday! Enjoy your weekend! My magical words of wisdom for the week....find your inner Harry Potter, be brave, be strong and defeat the evil that lingers in the world!

From Blogger Pictures

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

A day totally wasted........

Yesterday I wasted a full day in anger and bitterness.

I know I shouldn't have, I know I should have let it go

but instead of letting it go I held onto it, I wallowed in it

and I wasted an entire day being angry!

Today I am going to put the words here, going to put the feelings here, and then I will be able to walk away and not be angry anymore! If there is one thing I have learned from blogging it's that I feel much better when I write it all down, it's a release, it's a freedom enhancer, and I always feel better after blogging.

So why was so upset yesterday? It's because someone (and you know who you are so I need not say more) posted something on my facebook wall. It was actually a response to reading my blog, but her response would have been taken much better if she had the common decency to send me a message instead of post it on my wall making me look like some small child being disciplined by my mother. See she has a different view of some of my youth, not the abuse, the foster care part of it. She seems to think that I should simply be grateful to the foster care system because I was taken in despite my idiosyncrasies. Well honestly don't you think that my idiosyncrasies were the result of the abuse I had suffered and isn't that something that should be expected to be seen when you take in any foster child? Perhaps a baby would not have little quirks and peculiar habits, but an 11 year old child who has been raped and beaten all her life, doesn't she deserve to be a little weird??? Shouldn't some sort of unique behavior be expected? So I am grateful to the foster care system for getting me out, but not for taking me in despite my idiosyncrasies! 

She also commented saying that Big Sis #2 was the only one to do extra work, but she somehow forgot that Big Sis #2 was only there a short while. She went off to college and Sissy had to take over her list of jobs to do. I DID help Sissy out with her work, I did do her jobs when she went out and many times our foster mother wasn't even there on Saturday morning when we were doing the work, she was off at the market or doing something else so how would she have known?? Did she really think I was gonna rat out my Sissy? Seriously?

In the end it was her that called my social worker telling her that she needed to find me a new home. I was told by my social worker that she had called and that she felt I was no longer a good match for that home and that we needed to find me a good home. I am sure my social worker was not lying when she told me that my foster mother wanted me out and that it needed to happen asap. We did find a different home for me, but seriously I was a disposable child to her and that is how I will always look at her. Her children were gone off to college, my Big Sis #2 had gone off to college, Big Brother #3 had gone back to live with the egg donor because he was her Dumbledore and the only one she ever feared. Sissy was with her boyfriend, senior year of high school and it looked like she would be leaving as soon as her feet could get her out the door. That foster mother could not fool me, she just didn't want me in her hair for another 3 years, I could tell she only took us all in because Big Sis #2 wanted us all to stay together. I am sure the money from the state was nice too. Now that she was down to the last one, the one she liked least of all, well she could get rid of me and be done with this whole foster care thing.

Now years later she's reading my blog and contradicting me on my facebook wall. WHY??? At least I was there shortly after she posted it and I could delete the entire post. She couldn't just be an adult and post me a message between the two of us? She had to go to my facebook wall? She couldn't just post a comment on here? What exactly was she trying to prove by doing that? Was she just trying to piss me off? If she was then she certainly succeeded! But I refuse to spend another day being pissed at her so I will post this and move on in my life. Life is too short to sit around around trying to defend my blog posts to some old bitty who kicked me out of her home because I was too much for her to handle. I was a rebellious 14 year old child who had a lot to learn in life, she wasn't willing to take on that battle then so I certainly don't respect her opinion now.

From Blogger Pictures

Monday, July 19, 2010

35 year old mystery finally solved!

I clearly remember it like it was yesterday, little ole me, 4 1/2 years old eats a bunch of baby cucumbers relishing the delicious flavor! Within hours I feel pain in my mouth, there's a blister there. Soon there's numerous blisters and my mouth is on fire in pain! My egg donor looks in my mouth with a flashlight and is appalled by what she sees. She takes me to the doctor who is baffled and says it must be some kind of virus and sends me home with instructions to rinse with warm salt water a few times a day. The blisters go away eventually, but we never really knew what caused them......that is until yesterday!

Yesterday I was given some baby cucumbers from our neighbors garden. He had grown them but decided he wasn't as fond of them as he thought he would be (he had never grown them before apparently) so he gave them to me. I peeled them and ate them, relishing the flavor once again. I remembered being a little girl enjoying that very same  flavor and enjoyed one of the few warm memories I hold from my childhood. Within an hour a blister erupted in my mouth, then another and another. I called the dentist thinking this might be some kind of infection from the tooth that only holds a temporary crown and he said no way, if there was an infection it would be pain and pressure not blisters. I called my regular doctor to ask her opinion and she asked if I had eaten anything new. I explained about the cucumbers and she asked if I had any reaction when I ate them as a kid...and that is when I remembered the blisters and how the doctor had thought it was a virus. She says it's an allergy, one that apparently was not recognized when I was a kid! Apparently this particular species of cucumbers I am allergic to. After taking some benedryl, rinsing with hydrogen peroxide solution, and  not eating anymore of those delicious cucumbers I am feeling a bit better. It's hard to talk from the pain of the blisters, it'll interfere with work a little but such is life! I finally solved one childhood mystery, why I got blisters in my mouth when I was 4 years old!

From Blogger Pictures

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Another hot day......

Today is one of those lazy Sundays where you do nothing but sit inside in the A/C because no one will go outside with you to play. Why won't they go outside???? Because it's 104 degrees out there, that's why!

Yes, you did indeed read that right 104 degrees!! I offered to tak the boy to the playground, offered to turn on the sprinkler, offered to do just about anything but he's opting to stay indoors and play video games....cursed things! I tried the whole "when I was a kid...." speech, that had no effect except for him feeling pity on me for not having A/C when  I was his age lol The hubby is no better, although it is 104 outside he keeps the house at a frigid 74 degrees...BRRRRRRRRRRR! 74 degrees air conditioned is way colder than your everyday 74 degrees! So I sit here bundled up on the couch with goosebumps and a blanket wishing I could convince the boy to go outside to play.

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Welcome to Thoughtful Thursday once again! As you can see I created a little box for Thoughtful Thursday and you can feel free to use it if you wish to get some thoughts out of your head. Thoughtful Thursdays are all about abuse survival, when I write my thoughts of my past down in my blog I find that a small piece of my past heals and it becomes easier to survive and to feel like a survivor rather than a victim. My goal in posting these random thoughts is that someone might happen upon these posts and find themselves relating to my words and see that there is life after abuse. I hope that my words will help someone else heal, because that is the only good that can come from the unimaginable pain and suffering of abuse. Whether you were abused as a child or as an adult, whether it's sexual, physical or even just emotional...abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for it. It is far too common place in this world because we grow up with the mentality that what happens at home stays at home, we don't talk about the problems we have at home no matter how bad they are...that mentality is old and outdated and needs to stop! That mentality caused me and many others pain beyond imagination, physical and emotional scars that last a lifetime linger within us and often we end up in situations where it's repeated over and over again. I do not understand that mentality, but perhaps that's because I got out, I got into foster care at an age where I was still young enough to learn that the way we were treated was not the normal way to treat a child, I was a lucky son is a lucky one because of it. He will never suffer because I refuse to treat him the ways that I was taught to treat a child, I will simply do the opposite of my life in the hopes that then he will be ok, that I will be ok, that our life will be proof that the cycle does not have to repeat! There is life after abuse and it begins with speaking out, letting others know what happened and making people aware that it is right there in front of your face. Perhaps my words will be read by someone and they will then look twice when they see their next door neighbors sad face, perhaps they will look deeper than the words spoken when they hear "I just tripped" or "it was an accident" Perhaps they will begin to notice the patterns or see it in their own life and realize it is not ok, it is not right and you can speak out!


I often refer to my own life as a living hell or a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I hated my life so much that in conversation I refer to my "mother" as my egg donor and my "father" as my sperm donor. Of course now I know that the man I had thought for almost 40 years was my sperm donor was NOT my sperm donor, but I can't seem to wrap my head around the concept completely so although he was not MY sperm donor he was the donor of my siblings and so his name will remain Sperm Donor. My biological male creator was a creepy next door neighbor that my egg donor had an affair with, someone I barely knew, someone who sat and stared at me while I played in the yard. Why didn't he help? He had to of known that I was his and he had to of known that I was being hurt. To me he is even less of a father than the sperm donor because at least the sperm donor worked a job and provided money for us, taught us how to hunt so we could eat and taught us how to grow veggies in the garden. He may have been a sicko pedophile but he did stick around and teach us a couple of things, he didn't just watch from a distance doing and saying nothing. I hated him (still do as a matter of fact) for being such a sicko, I hated being raped, I hated having to cry in silence as he laid his heavy body on top of my tiny one so that he could have his way with me. I hated how he would pull me aside in the kitchen when the egg donor wasn't watching and put his hands down my pants and do things with his fingers that made me whimper in pain while he shushed me and told me it was ok because "Daddy loves his little blonde angel" That what he always called me, his little blonde angel. He only called me that when he was doing bad things though, never in a casual situation or as I would run off to school waving good-bye. He never called me that while hugging me or tucking me in at night, only at those moments when he was hurting me, only when  he was touching, only when he was the devil was I his angel. He was an evil man, so evil that I can barely think about what he did and I start to cringe. I automatically (even now as I type this) curl up into a little ball, full fetal position. As I type I have my feet up on the chair seat so that I feel a little safer, a little more protected. At night when I sleep I have to be under covers...doesn't matter how hot it is, I must be covered or I do not feel safe. I have to be able to see the escape route, I need to be able to see the path to safely get out of the room or I can not fall asleep. Even now, 28 years since the last time he raped me, I still am haunted by him and his evilness. Sad  I know....sad, but true.


I'm only posting that one bit today, maybe someday I will be able to post more than one thought when it comes to the sperm donor, but as you can see it's still too painful. Even now I can barely breathe, I feel a tightness in my chest that only happens when I think about or talk about the sperm donor. I can't even begin to talk about specific situations with him because it really puts me into a panic attack...literally! I can't handle that part just yet, someday I will. Someday I will be able to tell that part of my story in more detail but not just going as far as telling you what he used to call me has me feeling ill, I am literally sick to my stomach just remembering that because upon remembering those words I can hear them being spoken. I can hear his voice and suddenly I am no longer a free 39 year old woman but instead I am a helpless 2 year old toddler...yes he started in on me that young! How I survived, how I managed to actually have a child and carry him to term baffles the minds of some of the best doctors in this state....probably in this country. I am a survivor, but I still have scars and today they will heal just a little because I found my voice, I found a way to speak out and be heard. Even if I am the only one to ever read this post, I feel a little more free because of it and maybe now I can start to find a way to speak more, to give more details, to make the nightmare stop and finally wake up.


Have a great weekend and remember to hug your children and make sure you let them know the dangers that lie out there! 1 in ever 4 girls will be sexually molested by the time they turn 18, it's 1 in every 6 for boys! PLEASE, make them aware, you don't have to go into details but you can make them aware that there are nutjobs out there whose sole purpose in life is to harm small children.

From Blogger Pictures

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

It's been quiet around here

Not just on my blog LOL here at my house!

This week is the first week Orion is attending the camp that is in my mother-in-laws town. She runs the program, so she puts his name on the list of kids for whatever weeks I want him to go. It's not an overnight camp, but since it's in her town (which is an hours drive in the mornings because of traffic) Orion has spent last night and tonight at her house. I will pick him up tomorrow because we have bowling on Wednesday nights and he doesn't want to miss 2 weeks in a row. I'll have to drive him there on Thursday morning because that is the day they will be busing all the campers to a water park down in cape cod. Friday I will let him decide if he wants to return to camp or not.

So the last couple of days have been boy free and it's been very quiet without him. He's very much Mama's boy, and tonight he called around 8:15 to talk to me. He sounded so sad and lonely, said he wished he had agreed to only one night  sleeping over because he didn't sleep well at all last night. Apparently he didn't even end up sleeping at his grandparents house, but instead slept at her neighbors house. Their neighbors have 2 boys, one is a year younger than Orion, the other about 4 years older than him. They play well together and are attending the camp together. Orion has never slept at anyone's house but ours and my in-laws, so it was weird for him. When I reminded him that I had to work tonight, he said he wished he had called me sooner, I could tell he didn't want to stay a second night but I really would not have been able to make it out there and back in time to get to work. I told him to curl up on his grandmothers couch, put on a movie and fall asleep there...and I made sure to tell her to set that up for him so that he would be comfortable. I have a feeling he's just really tired and after a good nights sleep he'll be just fine.....also betting that tomorrow night I'll have have a certain little boy crawling in between me and hubby before the night is through.

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Vacation Photos

Since I had so many pictures to share (and this is only a small sampling of all the photos I took lol) I have opted to put these into a slideshow. Enjoy!

From Blogger Pictures

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

A long post from and about our vacation

I didn't have good internet where I was so I used Microsoft Word to write up what I would say and saved it for now. Here are my thoughts from vacation :)

Vacation Officially Started:

Here I sit up in the beautiful state of Vermont, it’s about 6am on Sunday morning. We spent most of yesterday doing the usual family stuff….arguing and fighting, enjoying some sights (took Orion to see the Quechee Gorge), ate some pure Vermont maple candy (YUM) fought some more and we arrived at our destination. We settled in, went out looking for a super market, fought some more cause the kid wanted to make sure we got back in  time for the pools, found some Vermont maple soda (over and ounce of pure Vermont maple syrup mixed with carbonated spring water) came back and found a pool with a water slide, managed to get Orion to come with me on it and he had so much fun he begged Dad to go again

Currently the two boys are still sound asleep and I’m sitting out here on the deck. Sadly I can’t figure out how to post a photo into this from the laptop camera lol It’s probably about 65 degrees, and I’m watching the sun rise up across the mountains in front of me!   The air is so sweet, it’s doing wonderful things to my hair and I couldn’t feel more at home. I truly have missed this beautiful state! It feels so good to be back here, even though I am quite a bit north of where I grew up. We drove up the highway past the exit of my old hometown, and I had such a desire to go there, but hubby just kept on driving and said “buh-bye” as in good riddance! He hates anything to do with my past and would love nothing more than for me to forget it all and live happily ever after thinking my life started the day I met him. He’s a great guy, but he does not get the draw, he doesn’t understand the need to be there, to see it, to be able to be there and know that I have truly escaped. I know I have escaped, but I have never gone there knowing I could safely walk away, knowing without a shadow of a doubt I would never be locked in those memories ever again. I feel that to truly heal I will need to do that someday, just like Sissy did. For now I will just enjoy the peace and quiet that is right here, I will enjoy the fact that no one is fighting, no one is arguing about what we should do first, enjoying not having to be the referee between the grown up boy and the boy who is growing up. AHHHHH it’s great being a mom LOL

Vacation Day 3

The last couple of days have passed in a blur of fun, sun and laughter with a little of that good ‘ole family fighting mixed in. Orion went without meds yesterday, although he did great when we kept him busy with pools, rock searching in the brook,  and the fun center, whenever there was down time…like lunch for instance, he wasn’t so great. He’s a challenge, but we made it through and hubby finally saw what I see on a daily basis and he realized why I am so exhausted by the end of the day. He also realized why mom said the boy was to be medicated every single day of vacation lol It’s really nice to hear “You’re right mom, I should’ve listened to you” especially when it’s coming from the hubby lol

4th of July ended with a huge bang as I sat listening to the Vermont Army band talking about the boys who are overseas fighting right now. They told of a 23 year old man who was just killed on Friday (who was  from the area)  and  left behind a wife and a new baby girl. They played songs dedicated to those who are over there fighting right now… nephew is among them…and I cried. My son, luckily, did not completely grasp the reason for my tears until afterward when I explained how I had already lost family to this war and when they started talking about that 23 year old man it really hit me. My nephew was born 09/19/1986, he will be 24 this year! I was there the day he was born, held him before anyone (other than the doctor who helped him out) and I helped my sissy a lot when he was a baby because his father was in the army and he was in training and could not get home for the birth of his son. My nephew, was very much my first baby, the child that convinced me that I wanted one of those of my own in the (then ) distant future. It is with him that I learned about difficult boys, where I learned to change diapers, learned how to calm a crying baby. It was through him that I learned to be a good caring mother by watching sissy with him and caring for him when she was asleep or out. She was only 18 at the time, still a baby herself, but through the two of them I learned so much. And so I sat here on the deck of our unit, listening to the story of the 23 year old from Vermont, worrying about my own special 23 year old from Vermont, hoping he comes home safe and sound and not like that other 23 year old man. I cried like a baby and my son just looked on, hugged me and kissed m on the cheek (something I haven’t gotten in a very long time ) and simply told me it was ok. My hubby hugged me and I bawled even worse because his touch does that to me, his strength lets me release and his power allows me to feel safe and secure. We watched the fireworks come up over the mountain and it was a wonderful 20 minutes, a great way to end my day. May whatever all powerful god or goddess or whatever is out there controlling the universe watch over my boy and bring him home.

Today we plan to go over to Stowe and ride the Gondola to the top of the mountain and hike to the top of Mt. Mansfield. Today will be a good day. But first I will sit, relax and enjoy my cup of coffee as I watch the sun rise up over the mountains once again and enjoy the beauty that I may not see again for awhile. I will leave today with this…..Last night hubby says to me…”Let me tell ya honey, looking around here you can tell that you’re home and that we are among your people.” I laughed thinking he was talking about how simple and carefree everyone is, how nice they are and everyone has a smile but I was wrong. He goes on to tell me that we all look alike and he’s beginning to wonder if they are all my cousins LMAO I couldn’t help but think…with an egg donor like mine, anything is possible!

Vacation Day 3, part 2

I’m sitting here in the bed relaxing after one very long day! It started out well enough, peaceful and quiet, but soon after it became a lot less like fun. See we decided to go up to Mt. Mansfield to go hiking. We drove through the notch, stopped at the smuggler’s cave to take some pictures, then onward to the Stowe gondola to go up the mountain.  We arrived at the gondola about 1/2 hour before it opened so we opted to drive to a convenience store to grab some snacks. As we’re riding back to the gondola I’m eating my maple beef jerky when I feel something in my mouth that feels like a small rock, at first I thought the beef jerky had a stone in it but quickly realized it was a piece of a tooth :( One of my molars broke, it sucked but what could I do? At first it didn’t hurt so we went up the gondola, climbed up as high as we could go realizing that the path to the top from the gondola was way too difficult for Orion, there were gaps in the rock that his short legs just could not cross. So we sat about 600 feet from the top and still had a wonderful view. As we came back down my tooth started to really hurt and by the time we got to the gondola to ride back down I was in quite a bit of pain. Lucky for me I packed lots of motrin so I can take 800 mg every 4 hours. I’m managing but it’s rather painful and not fun. Of course Orion is having so much fun I am putting on my brave face and making sure he doesn’t see just how much pain I am in. Last thing I want to do is cut the vacation short since he’s truly enjoying his time here. We will head home on Wednesday as planned and when we get back I will get off to a dentist to have this tooth taken care of.
Mean while Orion has had tons of fun in the pools, he’s totally enjoying the waterslides and the scenery. He’s even gone down some of the waterslides backwards which is rather impressive! I look forward to watching him play more tomorrow

Vacation day 4

Today we woke up a lot later than previous days due to the fact that we are all tired from our hike yesterday. But that didn't stop us from going back to Mt. Mansfield, taking the toll road up in the car and hiking the much easier 1 1/2 mile hike to the very top. I was determined to have my son stand on the top of Vermont so I took the bottle of motrin in the backpack and we took him to the top.  After coming back down we all had ice cream ( a painful feat for me with this tooth)since  it was always a tradition when I was younger that anyone who got to the top got ice cream at the bottom and I wasn't breaking that tradition.  After ice cream and dinner we took Orion back to the pools where he perfected the art of diving for stones and money.


Final day...back home

As we left Vermont we stopped at the Moss Glen River Falls to look at some of the most beautiful falls I have ever seen. We took off our shoes and walked in the water up to the falls and took some great photos. I found some wild rasberry bushes and picked some ripe berries for Orion to enjoy. We left Vermont feeling that we very much want to go back every year....something I will NOT complain about in the least! I'll miss the beauty and fresh air, I'll miss my home state but I will return. 

My tooth is really bothering me now and I will go see the dentist in the morning to see what needs to be done about it.  Photos will follow soon, once I have them all organized :)

From Blogger Pictures

Friday, July 2, 2010

Oppps, I forgot Thoughtful thursday

 I was so busy worrying about what I was forgetting to pack that I completely neglected to post a Thoughtful Thursday post. Gosh, I'm sorry!

This week has been one of great  reflection for me as I prepare to go on our family vacation. I never really had a vacation when I was a kid, my boy doesn't know just how lucky he truly is! My evil egg donor at best would drive us off to some out of the way place to sing in a of the ones  I remember most was called the "Lone Star Ranch" but it was not in Texas lol There were these tall pine trees everywhere, little cabins for the singers to get dressed in and practice before our turn to sing. Then, when it was our turn, we went up on stage and sang.

 That's me in dead center on the mic....Big Sis #2 is on the left side of the photo half hidden  by the mic and Big Sis  is on the right.

That's all of us, as I mentioned in previous posts Big Brother #3 played the dobro and in that photo Big Sis is up at the mic.

During our travels we often stopped in fields to practice and eat some lunch

The woman in red is my evil egg donor and the man in all those photos is her boyfriend, not the evil sperm donor. As you can see Big Sis and I hung near each other most the time and  even though we fought a lot (as siblings often do) she truly was (and still is) my best friend!  Although I got to see a lot of the country traveling to all those shows, it was never a fun time, never a real vacation, nothing like what we have planned for this coming week.

I remember going to carnivals to sing and wanting so badly to ride on the rides, the one I wanted to do the most was those big know the ones I'm talking about. You sit on these swings that are hanging on long chains and then they turn it on and it spins in circles and you fly way up high in the air...I still want to ride one of those swings, but unfortunately I married a man who is very weary of carnivals and is sure that some drunk carnie guy put the swings together and that I would just fly even as a grown up I still don't get to ride the swings :( This week we're going to Smuggs and at smuggs they have what they call the giant's more like a human sling shot but darn it I'm doing it! I already told hubs and Orion that they won't be stopping me, I'm doing it. They strap you into a body harness like a mountain climbing thing, then hook you up to the swing, raise you up about 100 feet in the air and let you go. You fly back and forth on the swing until you naturally stop on your own! I can not wait! It looks like so much fun and darn it I am not missing out on that kind of fun! This year I am going to do all the things I wanted to as a kid, I'm going to let my hair down (so to speak since I wear it down 99.9% of the time) and I am going to just have fun! No concerns, no worrying about getting hurt, just pure fun! I so can not wait! I even have the hubs agreeing that if we are having enough fun we might even see about staying an extra night and have fun for an extra day! Wouldn't that be awesome! The weather is supposed to be perfect...bright, sunny, in the mid-80's very single day with a slight chance of afternoon/evening showers only one day...and the chances are about 20% so we're not worried at all!

I might not be posting a Thoughtful Thursday next week, since we'll be away on vacation, but I want you all to hug your kids and remember that vacations are needed and if your kids want to have a little fun but you're too scared, let them have their fun so they won't resent you when  they grow up! Have a fun and safe 4th of July and by all means don't blow any body parts up when lighting off those fireworks lol Now firecrackers and frogs or crabs makes an interesting combination but I won't go there lol

From Blogger Pictures