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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Proud Mama

So we're up here at Saddleback Mountain in Maine relaxing after a full day of snowboarding. Today I watched in amazement and awe as my son carved down his first black diamond trail. He has never done a black diamond trail before but today we needed to go down one to get to a really awesome looking trail that we could see riding up the chairlift and we all agreed we wanted to try it. I had expected him to do a falling leaf skid down that black diamond but instead he carved, heal, toe, heal, toe all the way.  I am so proud and the best part is he did it and when hubby and I both congratulated him he looked up and says "That was a black diamond?" He wasn't scared, no hesitation, he just went down like any other trail without even noticing that it was a black diamond trail! Mama is proud! Here are some moments from our day today.....

Orion getting ready to head out from our ride in/ride out condo

 Daddy stretching before heading out.....Orion and I named this one Ninja Dad!
Orion and Dad on the chairlift
Orion on the trail ready to go down
Orion and me going up the double chair together
Can you see the happiness in those eyes even through the goggles? I can!
Orion and Dad at the highest elevation Orion has ever riden from
The boys clicking into their bindings getting ready to go down from the top

A sign I saw in the lodge, I really liked the saying so I had to snap a picture of it.
Me and Orion sitting on the bench just outside the lodge
Can't wait to get back out there tomorrow, this is the perfect grand finale to a wonderful snowboarding season! Orion has progressed so much this year and I couldn't be any prouder of him!

Friday, March 25, 2011

As I go through my day to day life, I feel different from others around me. Perhaps it's because I know the darker side of the world, perhaps it's because I tend to be on the shy side and always feel a little awkward, perhaps it's because I was picked on by other kids for being different. Whatever the reason though, it is reality. I am different, I have wounds that are so deep I wonder if they will ever heal, I have emotional and physical scars that are invisible to the outside world but blatantly obvious to me. What I don't think I will ever truly understand though is how people who grow up in a world like mine can find peace with it.

A couple of my siblings have found their peace, they say they handed it over to God and that Jesus took away all that pain and bitterness, that our life was just a part of some bigger picture, some plan. They say that it's not Gods fault, that God did not invite the evil in, that man did. So God let the man have his decisions, whether good or bad, and let man live with the consequences of those choices. But why do I have to live with the consequences of another mans choices? Did I invite the evil into my world? No, I was merely a victim of the situation that was already festering there. I was born into the evil, born from the evil, yet I have to pay the price.

How is that right? 

My biggest problem is that I used to a little girl I would cry out to God and beg him to please, please save me. I asked him to please make it stop, to please let someone come and take me away....yet no one came until it was too late for so many things. My siblings would like for me to believe that God did save me, he saved us before we were killed by the evil egg donor and that makes it ok. I say it is not ok because although I was not murdered by my egg donor or supposed sperm donor, my spirit was none the less damaged beyond repair. I have a borderline personality disorder which my doctor says is not a true multiple personality disorder but is caused by PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I have physical scars that caused me to almost lose my son and made it so that I can never have any other children of my own. I have memories that haunt me in the night making my sleep difficult. Sometimes when I am even just walking down the street or through the supermarket I will smell something and it will put me into a full blown panic thinking they are there, hiding in plain sight. Suddenly I become a little girl, scared and feeling so vulnerable that I want to cry. I can't help it, it just happens (thus the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder). My husband raises his voice in an argument and I cringe, it's a reflex that I can not control. The rational side of my brain knows that he would never hurt me, the small child is scared of being beaten, being locked into a closet, being hurt once again.

It's been almost 30 years since we were taken into foster care, but the wounds are still there and I just don't understand why that kind and loving God allowed it to go on for so long. Seems to me that the constant was the egg donor, she beat us and hurt us physically and emotionally. The other damage, the sexual damage was a constant but the source of the torture was ever changing. When the supposed sperm donor left, he was replaced by the evil big brother. When he left, he was replaced by the evil Uncle Deano. Then he was replaced by Evil Mr. P.  So that God saved me from one evil only to replace it with another? Why? Why did he allow these others to enter my world? Why didn't he just leave well enough alone? Why did he allow this plan to continue? All it did was leave me as a wounded bitter person who hates so deeply that I will probably end up in hell. Why would this be his plan? What is the purpose of such an evil plan?  Did he truly allow this plan to continue because Adam ate some apple thus inviting evil into the world? Did he really feel it was loving to sit there and allow me to be the victim of their evilness because they had a right to choose? Didn't I have a right to choose too? Why didn't my choices get taken into consideration? I could have taken the physical and emotional abuse from the evil egg donor, I probably could have survived all the way to 18 years old when I could get out on my own. Why did I have to suffer the sexual abuse over and over again when I clearly begged God to change it? Why would he allow them to continue to hurt me when I clearly could not get away on my own?

So many questions and so few answers.

My siblings say God has taken away their pain, I think it's a different story. Either they weren't abused as badly as me or they are just hiding behind the cross trying to pretend that everything is ok. There is no way anyone could feel it is ok to suffer that way  just because God planned it, that it's ok because God didn't make the choice but allowed our abusers to make those choices. If he is truly all powerful then that God could have saved me the first time I was raped at 2 years a time when I didn't even know who or what God was. He is supposed to protect the small children, but he didn't protect me, he allowed me to hurt because Adam ate an apple.


As you can see, I am feeling a bit bitter today. I recently had a run in with a relative who tried to convince me that God did save me before the worst (death) happened. They tried to convince me that God put us into a loving foster home and that it was all a part of his plan. I just don't buy it and it just makes me mad when someone tries to tell me that it was all a part of some big plan. I feel the plan SUCKS, I don't like the plan and I think even the best laid plans should be flexible enough to change when bad things happen. When you plan an outdoor wedding and it decides to pour rain you don't stand outside in the pouring rain in your wedding dress , making your friends and relatives sit in the pouring rain watching you exchange your vows. No, you adapt, you change the plans, you find shelter or put up shelter so that no one has to suffer because of your big plan. Humans were supposedly made in the image of God but he didn't have the brains to adapt?  Are we then smarter than God? The story does not makes any sense at all. They like to say that God had to watch his son die, yet they don't see it as wrong that God came down here to earth and raped a young girl because he wanted her to have his baby. I know the story says she just amazingly became pregnant, well that's not how it works so God must have  raped her in order to make her pregnant. Like so many other girls who are raped, she was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. Perhaps that's why God thought it was ok for me to be raped over and over again...because he was a rapist himself. Now that theory makes sense to me.


I know that I will eventually calm down, I will eventually push the immediate pain down low enough that it doesn't hurt quite so much. I know that I will spend my time searching for all the good I have now so that I can get beyond the pain of the past. I will do what they all do, only I will do it without hiding behind a cross or a bible. In the end, I believe, I will be the stronger person for having faced my pain and moved on.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Shameless Blogvertising

I have this blog that I like to visit, it's called Adventures of Working at Home. The lady that runs this blog not only works from home but she also shares legit sites that are hiring or contracting with people to work from the comfort of their homes. I like to visit her site because she always seems to check out the places that she posts about to make sure they are legit or she will at least admit that she doesn't have a lot of information on them. I trust her opinions and whenever I see something I think I can do I go for it. I am also a fan of hers on Facebook where she constantly posts new ideas and links to the blog posts.

Previously I got a link for that mystery shopping gig off her site. It was going great, but recently it kind of slowed down so that I wasn't making much money because I kept running out of numbers to call. Although it's a great job when there is work, it's real hit or miss right now and that just doesn't pay the bills. But just the other day she posted about a new job with a company that she loves working with herself.  I immediately followed her instruction to get information on the job of duplicate checking...basically you check to see if the question asked is a duplicate of a previous question. I passed their test with flying colors and was accepted to work with them. I started with them this week and already have almost $100. You have to understand though that I am not working all day every single day. I just work here and there, when I feel like it (which is becoming more often as I am finding this job to be very addicting) I have been making about $12 per hour, which is great for someone sitting on her couch petting the cat and watching TV while working.

Bottom line, if you have ever considered working from home you really need to check out her blog because you will find something you can do!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

When I was 10 years old, the same age my son is now,  I had no idea how close I was to getting out of my nightmare. I had no idea how much my life would change....and no idea how much worse it was going to get before it got better.  It was down to me, big brother #3, big sister #2 and my Sissy (big sister #3) living at home. The evil egg donor now  had a  boyfriend, a man who was supposedly a Cherokee Indian who lived with us. He was someone she had somehow met while he was in prison...I don't remember the details of that but I do remember going down to Virginia to the prison to visit him once. I don't know what he was in for and truly don't care. He came to live with us after he got out and he joined the band that we had, playing with us and keeping us in line.

His last name was Penwell, we'll just call him Evil Mr. P for blog purposes. Evil Mr. P had a thing for little girls, I didn't know it then that he was messing with my 2 sisters as well. It was a morning after the older kids had all gotten onto the bus to go to school, being high school students they took the bus. I was an elementary student still so I walked to school.  He called me to his room before I left and I slowly walked in. I was terrified for some reason, he always gave me the creeps but it was never this bad. This was the feeling I had in my gut when the evil sperm donor would come around, this was a feeling I did not like.

He was rather insistent so I reluctantly walked into his room and he was laying in his bed with the blankets down to his waist. He motioned me to come to his side, I noticed he had no shirt on so I just stood there scared. He quietly said he would not hurt me (what a big fat liar he was) I slowly walked across the room and although it was only maybe 8 or 10 feet it felt like forever as I walked along the foot of the bed and up the other side to stand next to him. He patted the side of the bed, letting me know I should sit down.

I stiffly sat , barely on the edge waiting, wondering what was going to happen to me. I tried to tell him I needed to get ready to go to school, he said it wouldn't take long. He put his hand on my knee and I cringed. He said relax and slowly moved his hand up my thigh. He worked the button on my pants and I asked him not to, but he said he just needed to do one thing, he said it was a test to see if I would ever have to worry about boys.

He slid his hand down my pants and into my underwear. He rubbed his fingers all over and asked if it felt good. I shook my head but the words would not come out. Nothing about this felt good! He lifted me up and slid me across the bed, I noticed he didn't have any underwear on and he was there, just like the sperm donor had been. He said he needed to teach me about boys and the right way to treat them. He said I was a good girl, he smoothed my hair, he laid on top of me and I went into that zone, that world where I float above myself and watch that poor little girl get hurt once again.


Ok I can't write anymore...this took me hours to type because I had to keep stopping and restarting. It's one of those things I don't think I have ever told anyone, one of those things that has been haunting my dreams lately and I am hoping that in putting it into words it will now go away!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I guess she's not all update

So yesterday Orion went off to school with some concern on his mind, feeling unsure after getting the note from that girl. He didn't know what to expect from her and was worried what she would be like since she obviously knew I had called her mother. He was worried she would take her anger out on him and embarrass him. Luckily that did not happen.

After school I asked Orion how his day was, he said it was ok. I asked how things had gone with the girl, he said ok. She had seen him in class and asked to see his agenda book and just slipped the hand made card inside. In the card she apologized for being a jerk, said she basically just wanted some time to play with her friends who were girls, and that she was truly sorry for her actions. She even wrote asking him to show it to me because she sincerely was sorry and that she hoped they could hang out again real soon.

I asked Orion if he felt it was sincere, he said he did but that things still felt weird between them. She basically ignores him at school and he fears it's because she doesn't want to get picked on for hanging out with a boy. He said it felt kind of tense and uncomfortable when they were together in class because he doesn't know how to act and not upset her. He doesn't want to  be the reason she gets picked on so he feels he can't even agree with her on a topic in class. I find myself feeling badly for him, having to feel this way, but also very proud that he is so respectful of another persons feelings that he would go to such great lengths to not offend her in any way. He keeps that attitude and he'll make a great husband the FAR distant future lol

I have come to the conclusion that Mama Bear might have been extra hard on the girl because she upset my baby boy, and maybe, if she wants to, she can come hang out with my kid and they can play. Everyone deserves a second chance, kids need to learn lessons and move on, and I would say they are now even. He offended her with an "f-bomb" and she offending him with calling him a freak. Besides, nothing brings me greater happiness than his happiness and we all deserve a little happiness! I refuse to be like my evil egg donor and keep my kid miserable by choosing who he can and can not play with based solely on my feelings. I can forgive and move on and let my boy be happy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Mama Bear Syndrome

So I think I posted previously about my wild child and his friend getting caught texting when she was supposed to be doing homework. Well Just incase I didn't here's what happened.....

Orion has this girl he likes to text with and at the beginning of February her mother came home to find her texting instead of doing her homework. Her mother took the phone away and there were texts on it that she could see and unfortunately my boy had dropped the "F-bomb"  in his text. Her mom was understandably upset and contacted me about it. I took his phone away for a full week and we had a very deep discussion about his language. She also lost her phone for a week because of the fact that she was texting when she shouldn't.  After the week was up Orion got his phone back but she did not for whatever reason and so Orion called her house to see if she could come over, the answer was always a flat out "No" and we didn't understand why. I tried calling the mother to talk to her and she said that she wasn't against them playing together and that she felt they had learned their lessons and that the girl didn't have her phone back because it was just financially easier to not have it. Understandable again. The mom did mention that she didn't understand why the girl kept telling Orion that she couldn't come over without even asking and said that maybe the father had a different opinion and that she would talk to him and call me back. I even told her to please just tell me the truth, be honest and if they didn't want my kid playing with hers then just say so. The mom never called me back. Orion texted the mom once over vacation to ask if she could come over and the mom replied that they were out of state for a cousin's birthday so obviously she wouldn't be able to. Orion tried once more this past weekend, texting the moms cell, even going to the extent of saying that he was very sorry and please could he have one more chance with her and have his friend over to play. He explained that he missed his best friend.  He got no reply on that. Yesterday he came home from school very upset and bad tempered. He handed me a slip of paper that the girl had tossed onto his desk.


Mama Bear reared her ugly head!

My first thought was to take a picture of the note on my cell phone and send it to the girls mother! I was so ticked off, I simply could not believe this girl would treat anyone, much less my son, this way. I know her mother has told her over and over again that you don't be mean, you can decide that you don't want to be friends with someone but you can not be mean about it. Orion asked me not to do that, said he didn't want to get her into trouble because then he would never have a chance at being her friend ever again. I told him I wasn't sure I wanted him to be friends with her if that was the way she was going to treat him over 2 little texts asking if she could come play because he missed her! I tried to respect his wishes but my gut said it was a bad idea, that the mom needed to know how mean she had been. I talk to hubby about it first though because I know I can go over the top when it comes to my kid and he actually agreed with me. I picked up the phone and tried her cell and got no answer so I left a message basically saying that I would like to talk to her about what happened at school and that she could reassure her daughter that neither Orion nor I would be texting her again since it clearly upset her daughter that much. I did not tell her exactly what the note said, but I made it clear that I would like to talk to her about it because it wasn't right and it was mean. Somewhere around 9:30 at night the girl called here but Orion was already asleep. This morning he called her to see what she wanted and she said that her mother was forcing her to apologize  and making her bring in an apology card or something to give to him at school. Then he yelled at me because in his eyes, me calling her mom made it so that she will never want to be his friend ever again. I tried to explain how I felt it was the right thing to do, how I don't know if I want him to be friends with her and how she clearly was only apologizing because her mother was forcing her to. I asked him if he thought she would apologize without her mother forcing her to and he said he didn't know....and I don't want my kid hanging out with people who have no understanding of basic human kindness and respect. You don't want to be his friend, fine don't be his friend but don't be mean about it and call him a freak simply because some girls in class were laughing and joking about you being his girlfriend....afterall she was the one who asked him out! She had no idea that asking a boy out was asking him to be your boyfriend, or at least she says. Personally I don't care, I'm still mad! She treated my child, her supposed best friend, with mean words that she knew would hurt him. I had thought she was a nice girl, but puberty has hit and I'm not sure what to think of her anymore.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

It's almost all done

The snowboarding season that is!

Sadly the snow is disappearing, we only have have 2, maybe 3 trips left this season and it's always bitter-sweet to realize that fact. Orion is absolutely amazing, riding almost at my speed and definitely fast enough that I can go comfortably. He's having fun and seems to be improving every single trip. It will be hard for him to have to wait until December to go back up, but once the next season starts it's going to be fun watching his excitement of finally getting back out there on his board.


In other news, I have com to the conclusion that I really should not make a New Years Resolution because I will just set my self up for failure lol I have been horrible at  writing up Thoughtful Thursdays and I finally figured out why....WORK!

My new job that I mentioned previously has been keeping me busy during the days and then my regular night job keeps me busy at night. I am enjoying doing the two though because I'm averaging $15 to $20 per hour with the daytime job and then $10 per hour at the night job.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

What a great weekend I just had!

Last week was school vacation week for Orion but unfortunately parents don't get that week off as well so hubby and I both were working the beginning of the week. Our next door neighbors grandkids came up from Maryland for the first part of the week so Orion had entertainment in the form of boys that he sees maybe twice a year and it was easy for me to make a good amount of money while he entertained friends. Plus, my job encourages kids in the background making noise since I am a phone mystery shopper and that makes it sound even more realistic. It was a win win situation all around, I got to work and make money and the boy got to play and have fun.

On Saturday we got up bright and early and drove up to Ragged Mtn to snowboard. It was all freshly snowed on and groomed and we had so much fun. Orion was moving in leaps and bounds and for the first time I could comfortably go at a faster riding pace and he would be seconds behind me. I would turn around at the bottom and look up the trail for him but he would be coming right up beside me, it was awesome! We spent the night up there in a hotel and Sunday greeted up with about 6 inches of fresh powder and it was still falling from the sky!  Our first run of the day we took Orion up on the 6-person chairlift and he and dad came down a blue trail while I took off and went down my all time favorite trail that has a flat area that is hard to get across on a snowboard unless you can maintain a good speed and skill that Orion isn't quite ready for. It was untracked and I floated on the was an amazing ride down. Orion struggled on his first run because it's the first time he has ever experienced riding on powder and it does take a little different skill. I met up with them about half way down the trail they were on and I showed him how to lean further back on the board so that the nose lifted up enough to ride over the top of the powder instead of sinking in. After that he was all about riding with me for the rest of the day. We pushed it down trails he had never gone on before, did some harder trails, some easy trails and by noon time I was soooooo tired but he was wanting more! We took a lunch break and went back out but after another hour I was beat and he was asking if he could go find his dad because he was so not ready to stop. His dad had met up with his friend who had driven up that morning and they were off doing the really hard stuff riding in the trees and such.  We went looking for them and found them in the lodge eating a late lunch. Orion convinced dad to go back out even though he was tired and ready to stop for the day. I got out of my snowboarding gear and waited for them in the lodge. I was tired and sore and ready to go home. It had been an amazing day of watching him really ride and keep up, I could go fast and he was right there with me. It was a lot of fun but my left thigh (my back leg for my board, the steering leg) was still burning even though I was no longer riding and I was ready to just sit and relax for a few hours ride home in the car.

Monday morning I woke up to a thigh that was so hurting that even the slightest movement was pain! I couldn't even walk right, it was so painful. I pulled my thigh muscle with all that riding, but it was worth it because my boy stepped it up and moved up in the ranks of snowboarding skills. Today is the first day that I am not in major pain walking on my leg, it's getting better and soon enough I'll be able to get back out there and do it all again!