Friday, March 25, 2011
As I go through my day to day life, I feel different from others around me. Perhaps it's because I know the darker side of the world, perhaps it's because I tend to be on the shy side and always feel a little awkward, perhaps it's because I was picked on by other kids for being different. Whatever the reason though, it is reality. I am different, I have wounds that are so deep I wonder if they will ever heal, I have emotional and physical scars that are invisible to the outside world but blatantly obvious to me. What I don't think I will ever truly understand though is how people who grow up in a world like mine can find peace with it.
A couple of my siblings have found their peace, they say they handed it over to God and that Jesus took away all that pain and bitterness, that our life was just a part of some bigger picture, some plan. They say that it's not Gods fault, that God did not invite the evil in, that man did. So God let the man have his decisions, whether good or bad, and let man live with the consequences of those choices. But why do I have to live with the consequences of another mans choices? Did I invite the evil into my world? No, I was merely a victim of the situation that was already festering there. I was born into the evil, born from the evil, yet I have to pay the price.
How is that right?
My biggest problem is that I used to pray....as a little girl I would cry out to God and beg him to please, please save me. I asked him to please make it stop, to please let someone come and take me away....yet no one came until it was too late for so many things. My siblings would like for me to believe that God did save me, he saved us before we were killed by the evil egg donor and that makes it ok. I say it is not ok because although I was not murdered by my egg donor or supposed sperm donor, my spirit was none the less damaged beyond repair. I have a borderline personality disorder which my doctor says is not a true multiple personality disorder but is caused by PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I have physical scars that caused me to almost lose my son and made it so that I can never have any other children of my own. I have memories that haunt me in the night making my sleep difficult. Sometimes when I am even just walking down the street or through the supermarket I will smell something and it will put me into a full blown panic thinking they are there, hiding in plain sight. Suddenly I become a little girl, scared and feeling so vulnerable that I want to cry. I can't help it, it just happens (thus the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder). My husband raises his voice in an argument and I cringe, it's a reflex that I can not control. The rational side of my brain knows that he would never hurt me, the small child is scared of being beaten, being locked into a closet, being hurt once again.
It's been almost 30 years since we were taken into foster care, but the wounds are still there and I just don't understand why that kind and loving God allowed it to go on for so long. Seems to me that the constant was the egg donor, she beat us and hurt us physically and emotionally. The other damage, the sexual damage was a constant but the source of the torture was ever changing. When the supposed sperm donor left, he was replaced by the evil big brother. When he left, he was replaced by the evil Uncle Deano. Then he was replaced by Evil Mr. P. So that God saved me from one evil only to replace it with another? Why? Why did he allow these others to enter my world? Why didn't he just leave well enough alone? Why did he allow this plan to continue? All it did was leave me as a wounded bitter person who hates so deeply that I will probably end up in hell. Why would this be his plan? What is the purpose of such an evil plan? Did he truly allow this plan to continue because Adam ate some apple thus inviting evil into the world? Did he really feel it was loving to sit there and allow me to be the victim of their evilness because they had a right to choose? Didn't I have a right to choose too? Why didn't my choices get taken into consideration? I could have taken the physical and emotional abuse from the evil egg donor, I probably could have survived all the way to 18 years old when I could get out on my own. Why did I have to suffer the sexual abuse over and over again when I clearly begged God to change it? Why would he allow them to continue to hurt me when I clearly could not get away on my own?
So many questions and so few answers.
My siblings say God has taken away their pain, I think it's a different story. Either they weren't abused as badly as me or they are just hiding behind the cross trying to pretend that everything is ok. There is no way anyone could feel it is ok to suffer that way just because God planned it, that it's ok because God didn't make the choice but allowed our abusers to make those choices. If he is truly all powerful then that God could have saved me the first time I was raped at 2 years old...at a time when I didn't even know who or what God was. He is supposed to protect the small children, but he didn't protect me, he allowed me to hurt because Adam ate an apple.
As you can see, I am feeling a bit bitter today. I recently had a run in with a relative who tried to convince me that God did save me before the worst (death) happened. They tried to convince me that God put us into a loving foster home and that it was all a part of his plan. I just don't buy it and it just makes me mad when someone tries to tell me that it was all a part of some big plan. I feel the plan SUCKS, I don't like the plan and I think even the best laid plans should be flexible enough to change when bad things happen. When you plan an outdoor wedding and it decides to pour rain you don't stand outside in the pouring rain in your wedding dress , making your friends and relatives sit in the pouring rain watching you exchange your vows. No, you adapt, you change the plans, you find shelter or put up shelter so that no one has to suffer because of your big plan. Humans were supposedly made in the image of God but he didn't have the brains to adapt? Are we then smarter than God? The story does not makes any sense at all. They like to say that God had to watch his son die, yet they don't see it as wrong that God came down here to earth and raped a young girl because he wanted her to have his baby. I know the story says she just amazingly became pregnant, well that's not how it works so God must have raped her in order to make her pregnant. Like so many other girls who are raped, she was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. Perhaps that's why God thought it was ok for me to be raped over and over again...because he was a rapist himself. Now that theory makes sense to me.
I know that I will eventually calm down, I will eventually push the immediate pain down low enough that it doesn't hurt quite so much. I know that I will spend my time searching for all the good I have now so that I can get beyond the pain of the past. I will do what they all do, only I will do it without hiding behind a cross or a bible. In the end, I believe, I will be the stronger person for having faced my pain and moved on.