I know I promised these so here they are....me and me cousin Candy.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Earlier this evening I thought I would check in on her Facebook wall only to find that I have been "unfriended" since I can check my feed and see the location of my visitors, I know she hasn't been here at all. So she clearly has decided that I am not important to her.
Life will go on
Friday, February 3, 2012
The day after tomorrow is my big day!
The day I drive up north for vacation
The day I get to see my totally awesome cousin
The day I turn 41
The day I decide my if my path will have my sister in it or will I turn and walk in a different direction.....
Is it weird that I have created a deadline for such a thing? I don't know. All I do know is that I am tired of trying so hard to be something special in her eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love my Sissy, she has saved my life in the past and I have spent years feeling I owed her something because of that. But now I think I may have been wrong in that line of thought.
Why should I owe her anything? Shouldn't she have saved my life anyway? If the tables were turned, wouldn't I have saved her life without expecting anything in return? Yes. I think I would have! If the tables were turned and she were my little sister, I would love her enough to do that without expecting even a thank you. I like to think that I would show interest in her life, I would want to talk to her about everyday stuff and not just call or text when I needed a sympathetic ear because someone beat me up.
I do, of course, realize that she is a middle child. She suffers from the "Jan Brady Syndrome" JBS causes one to seek extra attention because being a middle child makes you feel invisible, but seriously she is going to be 44 years old in March.....I think that means she should have grown up by now. She should, at the very least, know that if you ran away fearing for your life....you don't lie to everyone and go back 4 months later. She should understand that when people (aka me) shows concern that they aren't being jerks, they show concern because they love you. She should know by now that blood is thicker and you don't stop talking to your sister simply because she disagreed with your decisions. It's not like we were stuck in that world so long that she knew nothing else, she was 14 when we were placed into foster care. She had the same therapist as me so I am sure the first thing that lady would have taught her was that the way we were being raised was wrong. The abuse was wrong and that no one should be subject to that kind of life threatening violence.
Knowing all this and knowing that she will not text or talk to me until the day where she gets beat up again, it makes me sad.
I don't want to be sad anymore.
So, I will be here if she wants to talk, but I will not be holding my breath. I will not try to reach out to her any longer, I will simply move on. I will live my life as if she were an old high school friend, someone I used to know. I will continue to love her and hope that she is ok, but I will no longer try so hard to be a part of her life. If she doesn't want me there for everything, then she clearly just doesn't want me at all.
Thus the deadline....if she cares, if she wants me in her life other than when she's getting beat up by some jerk, she will text or speak to me. She will care enough to say hi or ask how I'm doing. She will remember my birthday and say more than a quick Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall. I know when you log into Facebook it will remind you who is having a birthday. So if I don't get some special words I will know that she logged on, saw it was my birthday, and then said the minimum. Personally, I think she owes me an apology for lying to me, she owes me the truth. Sadly, I don't think I'll get it.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and a great week coming up. I might not be posting next week because we'll still be on our vacation, but I am going to try to get on to post pictures at the very least.
Remember, blood is important but if you don't show some give and take you might find yourself lost and alone the next time you need a friend.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Number 1, My birthday! Come Sunday, at 10:10am, I will turn 41 years old. I will begin my 42nd year of life on this planet. It's time for me to make some New Year Resolutions....and here they are:
1. I will stop letting others walk all over me! I will no longer live in one way relationships regardless of who they are. Whether it be someone I know casually or someone related to me, I will not allow anyone to take advantage of my kind heart any more.....or at least I'm going to try. I am sick and tired of being the one people go to when they need someone to cry to but not being able to turn to them when my life gets rough. If I have had a bad day, bad week, bad month...I need someone I can go to just to complain, to vent and possibly to cry with. I need someone who will offer me support when I am weak and won't try to tell me how their life is so much worse than mine could ever be. I need people who come to me to share their happiness and their tears, not just their tears. I need give and take...and if that means my cousin and my husband are the only people I associate with on a regular basis, then so be it. I am just tired of feeling used.
2. I am going to work on being a better wife and supporter to my husband. Even when we are fighting it out I know deep inside that he loves me and he would never hurt me intentionally. He would never physically do anything to harm me and he would walk through fire if it meant that myself and my son would be safe and happy. He really would do anything for us and I know that I get a bit lazy about laundry and dusting and plenty of other things. As I have said before, he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me! I truly believe that and I will be spending the next year working on making sure that no matter what is going on around us, he is going to know it.
3. I am going to be a better mother. I will be more patient, more kind, more understanding. I am going to work hard to make sure the door of communications stays open and that he knows I am here to talk about anything and everything. I will work on my discipline tactics so that I can stay more consistent since I know I give in way too much. I am currently reading a book about unspoiling your child and I am finding it to be helpful. I think coming from the life I came from, and my fear of falling into the trap of repeating the cycle, I actually ended up spoiling a bit. I am too soft, I know it, and as he gets closer to the teen years and he continues to change from boy to man, I know I need to nip some of his behavior before it gets out of hand. I love him enough to discipline him and be consistent.
4. I am going to take some time for "me" and for "we" every single week. I will watch my shows, I will read a book, I will relax and concentrate on me. I will do this once a week because it's important. I will also make sure that once a week I take the same weekday off as my husband has off so that we can have some time together while the Wild Child is in school. One full day, every single week, where we get to be just we...again, I feel it's important. I am not just a mother and I am not just a wife. My husband and I are not just parents....we are people, we are a couple, and I feel it's important to spend one day every week remembering and realizing what it is that made us fall in love in the first place. May will be 21 years we have been together...that's a long time! I think part of the reason people end up in divorce situations is because they get so wrapped up in their jobs and their parenting that they kind of forget what they love about each other. They don't find the time to feel those butterflies anymore. I think couples become kind of like that book that you read over and over again because you loved it SO much, but then you put it on the shelf and although it's there you don't pull it out and read it as much anymore because there are so many other books and magazines sitting there as well. Once you pull that book off the shelf, dust off the cover and start reading, that's when you begin to ask yourself why you hadn't picked it up sooner because you love it so much. Divorce happens when you forget the book and it somehow gets lost somewhere. You look back years later and wonder what ever happened to that old book. Although you search and search, you just can't find it. You feel sad for your loss, and then begin to search for a new book to read and love. I don't want a new book, can't imagine myself ever reading another...and I don't want to ever feel like I lost it. So I'm going to make sure our book stays open on the coffee table where it can be read and cherished forever.
So...what else and I counting down to? I'm counting down to my birthday snowboarding vacation!
Yep, Sunday, as I turn 41, I will be driving. I'll be on the road, heading for Maine to spend a week with my two favorite people (Hubby and The Wild Child) snowboarding! I totally can not wait!
Finally...I'm also counting down the days to seeing my cousin Candy! Candy just so happens lives in a town that we're driving through at lunchtime. So on Sunday morning I will tell my GPS exactly where we're having lunch and tell it to take me there. I'll send Candy a text letting her know what time we are due to arrive. Since I'll be driving I can't text on the road....BTW yes I love to do the driving when we go snowboarding! I look forward to having lunch with my favorite cousin :)
Overall, I think this year is going to be a good year for me. I think it's going to get better and things are going to look brighter in my future. I am going to learn to stand tall and stand strong, to not allow myself to be emotionally used by others and to be the best wife and mother I can be.
And in case anyone was wondering...I have not heard from my sister except for a couple of comments that she has made in my direction in posts on facebook. I get the feeling that she doesn't want to tell me the truth because she knows I disagree with her decisions and since I don't agree with her I am useless to her. She thinks she is happy for now so she doesn't have a need for me. In a few months time, when she has gotten her head bashed into the wall again or she finds herself emotionally battered...that's when she'll need me....I just don't know if I'll still be there.