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Friday, February 3, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday...

The day after tomorrow is my big day!

The day I drive up north for vacation

The day I get to see my totally awesome cousin

The day I turn 41

The day I decide my if my path will have my sister in it or will I turn and walk in a different direction.....

Is it weird that I have created a deadline for such a thing? I don't know. All I do know is that I am tired of trying so hard to be something special in her eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love my Sissy, she has saved my life in the past and I have spent years feeling I owed her something because of that. But now I think I may have been wrong in that line of thought.

Why should I owe her anything? Shouldn't she have saved my life anyway? If the tables were turned, wouldn't I have saved her life without expecting anything in return? Yes. I think I would have! If the tables were turned and she were my little sister, I would love her enough to do that without expecting even a thank you. I like to think that I would show interest in her life, I would want to talk to her about everyday stuff and not just call or text when I needed a sympathetic ear because someone beat me up.

I do, of course, realize that she is a middle child. She suffers from the "Jan Brady Syndrome" JBS causes one to seek extra attention because being a middle child makes you feel invisible, but seriously she is going to be 44 years old in March.....I think that means she should have grown up by now. She should, at the very least, know that if you ran away fearing for your don't lie to everyone and go back 4 months later. She should understand that when people (aka me) shows concern that they aren't being jerks, they show concern because they love you. She should know by now that blood is thicker and you don't stop talking to your sister simply because she disagreed with your decisions. It's not like we were stuck in that world so long that she knew nothing else, she was 14 when we were placed into foster care. She had the same therapist as me so I am sure the first thing that lady would have taught her was that the way we were being raised was wrong. The abuse was wrong and that no one should be subject to that kind of life threatening violence.

Knowing all this and knowing that she will not text or talk to me until the day where she gets beat up again, it makes me sad.

I don't want to be sad anymore.

So, I will be here if she wants to talk, but I will not be holding my breath. I will not try to reach out to her any longer, I will simply move on. I will live my life as if she were an old high school friend, someone I used to know. I will continue to love her and hope that she is ok, but I will no longer try so hard to be a part of her life. If she doesn't want me there for everything, then she clearly just doesn't want me at all.

Thus the deadline....if she cares, if she wants me in her life other than when she's getting beat up by some jerk, she will text or speak to me. She will care enough to say hi or ask how I'm doing. She will remember my birthday and say more than a quick Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall. I know when you log into Facebook it will remind you who is having a birthday. So if I don't get some special words I will know that she logged on, saw it was my birthday, and then said the minimum. Personally, I think she owes me an apology for lying to me, she owes me the truth. Sadly, I don't think I'll get it.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and a great week coming up. I might not be posting next week because we'll still be on our vacation, but I am going to try to get on to post pictures at the very least.

Remember, blood is important but if you don't show some give and take you might find yourself lost and alone the next time you need a friend.

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