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Thursday, September 22, 2011

Last week I had something pointed out to me and it came from my cousin. After reading my post she sent me a text that she could tell I was healing because my posts weren't as angry as they used to be. I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess she's right.

After receiving her text I began to think about myself and how I have been viewing my past as of late. I then realized that she is right, I am truly beginning to heal. I still feel bitterness when I think of the egg donor, still call her the egg donor, she will never be my mother since really she wasn't a mother at all. But when I think back I find that I am finding myself feeling more pity than anger and bitterness.....that's a good thing right? I mean really it's probably better for me to not be so angry and pissed off at her forever, it's not good for your health to be angry all the time. I know that I do it more for my son than for myself, I don't want him to grow up with an angry pissed off mother and I certainly wouldn't want him to look back on his childhood and refer to me as his egg donor. No, I have to heal whether or not I want to because it hurts him if I don't.

Again, that's a good thing right?

Perhaps I am healing for the wrong reasons, I think some would say that. Personally I think any reason to heal is a good enough reason simply because the end justifies the means. Does it really matter what I use as my tool to heal? Does it matter the reason I do it so long as I actually do it? I don't think so. Some would say that if I don't do it for myself then I am doing it for all the wrong reasons and that in the end, once he is no longer here, once he is grown up and has moved out, I will find myself bitter and angry once again. I really don't think that's the case at all. I think if I can heal and be a good mother to my child then when he grows up and moves out on his own I will feel such a sense of accomplishment that I will have no choice but to feel good about myself. I will be healed and I will continue to feel good about my life and what I made of it. I took a giant basket of lemons and am slowly turning them into lemonade for my son....I feel that makes me a good mother and when I feel like a good mother I feel good about myself. Thus he is a perfect reason to move on, to live, to love and to heal.

This week I will not be posting any angry bitter thoughts, I will not be posting anything negative at all. This week I will relish in the fact that I have taken a step forward, I have a healthy scab over my wounds of my childhood and I will not pick at that scab this week. I will leave it be and enjoy the fact that this week there is a little less pain in my heart when I think about my wounds.

Have a great weekend and remember to enjoy the healing process when you can.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

11 Years Ago Today

It was a beautiful day, the day my whole world changed forever. 

A beautiful 8 pound 12 ounce bouncing baby boy came into this world and turned it upside down. Suddenly my heart was no longer inside my body, it was instead in my arms. As I beheld that wonderful miracle my husband and I created, I knew that from that moment on I would give anything, do anything, to make his world everything mine was not. He would know love, he would know kindness, he would know all those things I should have known but didn't. I also knew that he was going to teach me, he was going to heal me and he was going to be the beginning of my greatest adventure ever. 

As I held that small piece of perfection I understood, this was my destiny, my reason for being.
This is why I survived!

Happy Birthday Orion, I love you more than life itself!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

When I was a little girl I had a few places that I loved to go to....School, Grammy's house, and the grocery store.

School was always fun because it was my Monday through Friday escape. I hated weekends and I hated vacations. I even hated summer. During those times I would have to be home 24/7 and that meant so many more hours of risking getting a beating or screamed at or both. We were not allowed to visit friends houses, not even allowed to play with the kid across the street because heaven forbid we tell anyone anything about what was going on in our house, or worse we see that normal people didn't beat their kids for even the littlest infraction of the rules. While at home we had to learn new songs to sing at whatever concert the egg donor had us scheduled to sing at or just learn them because she wanted to record us. She had big dreams of us making her rich off our singing. We were her get rich scheme and if we yelled too loud and hurt our voices, we got a beating. If we didn't learn a song fast enough, we got a beating. If we didn't like the song she wanted us to sing and we fussed or complained, we got a beating. So school was good because she wasn't there and I could play with my friends, I could run around and laugh. I could make a mistake on a song in chorus, I could play with other kids and no matter what I never got a beating. It was a relief to not get a beating even though I knew that once I got home and into the clutches of the egg donor she would surely find a reason to beat me. I tried not to think about that while at school because at school I just wanted to be one of the kids, I just wanted to be free.

My second favorite place to be was Grammy's house. She died when I was 7 or 8 years old so I didn't get to have her for very long but she was very special. She had 10 acres of apple trees and every fall we would go pick apples and then bake apple pies with her. She taught me her special recipe that I still use to this day. She also had these little shoe boxes with kids names on them and in each box she kept some of our favorite playthings. no one was allowed to play with another child's box unless they were given permission from that child. My box was filled with paper dolls and paper clothes for those dolls. I could spend hours upon hours playing with those paper dolls and my whole world of worries would go right out the window. Grammy also had this big grass hill behind her house and we would lay down at the top and roll all the way to the bottom. Sometimes we would get grass stains on our clothes that we knew would earn us a good beating but it was worth it to just let loose and have some fun rolling around in the grass.

Finally I enjoyed the grocery store because I was a very good sneak. I very quickly learned how to snag grapes and other pieces of small fruit to nibble on. I would stuff my pockets with those grapes and happily follow the egg donor through the store eating them. Once my sister dared me to steal a pack of gum....I got busted and not only did I have to take the gum back but I got the beating of a lifetime for stealing. My sister didn't get anything even though it was her idea.I never dared to steal gum again.


Yesterday I mentioned my friend that I found on facebook, I thought today would be a good day to reflect on how my experience with her helped me help my son. This past summer the Wild Child got to experience having a friend move away. This boy has been friends with him since they were in kindergarten together and they both have ADHD. The fact that they have something like that in common has really helped the Wild Child out and gave him someone to talk to about it...someone other than me or his doctor that is. It's nice to have someone your own age to relate to and this is what it was for the boys. They both have struggled in the same areas and so they could talk things through about what works and what doesn't and they could just vent to each other about having a condition that makes things harder for them. Anyway this boy moved away and it was hard for The Wild Child to accept. I told him about my friend Adrienne and how saddened I was that she had moved away, how angry I felt at her parents for taking my friend away from me, and how dearly I missed my friend even now. This showed him that I could understand and I could relate. This opened a door of communication for us so that he could talk about his feelings instead of bottling them up inside. Of course I also pointed out how lucky he is because when I was a kid we didn't have cell phones to text each other and my friend didn't have grandparents to come back and visit with every other weekend. My friend also moved a lot further away than just a 2 hour drive! He got to see that it could be worse, he could have to go 35 years before finding his friend on facebook  and having to catch up then. My friend and I have started messaging on facebook and have exchanged phone numbers so we can text. 35 years later, it's kinda crazy and amazing all at the same time! I am glad to an extent though, because if I had not lost my very first and best friend back then I would not have been able to relate so well to the Wild Childs situation now. I guess everything does happen for a reason, even when they suck!


Have a great weekend everyone and hug your loved ones tight. think how you would feel if you didn't get to see them or speak with them for 35 years and then say all the things that are important to say and none of the unimportant stuff. Be thankful we live in a world of technology where anything is possible and people from your past can be found in the most unexpected of times. Find your happy places and build happy memories to hold onto for those bad days and remember good things come eventually, it just might take what feels like forever.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Another happy moment brought to you by...


I know, I know, you're probably sick of hearing me sing the praises of facebook but this one is pretty cool...honest I swear it is!

See I was looking over my home page at all the newest news when I saw that one of my friends that I went to elementary school with had become friends with a name that was exceptionally familiar, it was one of my very first friends EVER! 

See when I was in first grade there was this girl named Adrienne, she was cool, she was pretty, and she and I got along great! I would consider her my best friend back then. Then one day her parents packed her up and moved. I was devastated for awhile, I really missed my friend but we never saw one another again. Through the years I have often thought of her, remembered her fondly and always wondered where she ended up. She is one of those people that you remember perfectly, if I close my eyes I can still picture her perfectly as that skinny little first grader with the long dark hair. 

So when I saw her name sitting there I began to feel an excitement  like nothing else. I was a little apprehensive thinking that maybe this was a coincidence and that she might not be the very same Adrienne, but I had to try. I clicked her link and looked, it looked like her just older. I sent a message....sure enough it's my old friend! 

Gotta love facebook, yet again it brings me in touch with someone I have held close to my heart for many many years, someone I thought I would never see again or speak to again. Yet again it brings back to me a tiny piece of my youth that held happy and pleasant memories.

Thank You Facebook!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

10 Years

Sure seems like a long time, an entire decade, 1/10 of a century

10 years is a long time but ask pretty much anyone alive today where they were and  what they were doing 10 years ago today and unless they were just too little to remember, they will know the answer with amazing depth. 10 years ago today feels like yesterday for most Americans and probably for many who live in other countries as well because 10 years ago today our entire world changed.

I was sitting on the couch watching Orion playing. He was almost a year old, just a week from his first birthday, he was walking and running and playing like any normal one year old. He was laughing and having fun. I turned on the tv because one of Orion's favorite shows was about to come on. What I saw was a burning tower and people running and screaming. Then a second plane flew into the second tower right next to the first one. The reporters were in shock, I was in shock. Hubby was just getting out of the shower when I told him and at first he thought I was talking about the building in Oklahoma that had already been blown up by terrorists previously. Then I explained, no it's in New York and the twin towers are gone! We watched tv in awe, unable to tear our eyes away from what was on the screen.

Meanwhile Orion continued to laugh and play and be completely oblivious to what was going on in his world. I watched him thinking to myself "My son is going to grow up in a time of war!" and asking myself "What kind of world have I brought this child into?" I tried to spend more time watching him and less watching the TV where the world was falling apart. Here in my living room we were happy and safe, out there in the big world, it was a very scary place. I wanted to stay safe inside with  my sons laughter but kept getting pulled out into the terror. It was on every channel of the TV, it was all over the radio, it was in the voices of every person around except that small boy who laughed and played.....I so wanted to be that little boy or at least be like him. I didn't want to know what was going on, I didn't want to see and comprehend what was on every channel of the tv. I just wanted to play and not have to face the big scary world that was invading our happy world.

I turned off the tv knowing that I was not going to see anything different and played with my son. I cherished his laughter, I held onto that moment because I knew that from now on, everything was going to be different outside our living room bubble. I needed to hold myself together for my boy, I needed to be strong and not be sad for all those people out there who had died or been injured or loved someone who had died or been injured. I knew I could be sad later, when he was asleep, but for that moment I needed to be a good strong mom.

September 11, 2001 will forever be embedded in my memory as I am sure it will be in your too.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A new beginning

Here we go, the beginning of 6th Grade!

On Tuesday the Wild Child began his new adventure as a 6th grader. Even though technically he is still in the elementary school, they treat the 6th graders more like middle school students. He has to change classrooms for every subject, he has to do more work and he has a shorter recess. The homework began on the very first day and it wasn't easy stuff either. On the plus side, he has informed me that he likes his teachers, is learning new things and having fun. Doesn't seem that long ago when my little man was starting his first day of preschool, my how time flies when you're having fun!

Of course my little man starting 6th grade takes me back to my own youth, things were pretty crazy for me back then. I was starting in a new school that was at least 4 times the size of the school I had previously gone to. I knew no one there and had no idea where I was going or what I was going to face. I had just been placed in foster care 3 months prior and I was still terrified of my own shadow, say nothing about the looming shadows at that big school with people I didn't know and who didn't know about the life I had just come out of. I didn't know if the teacher knew my story and I was scared to tell them for fear they would treat me differently and think I was just looking for sympathy.  When I met Angel that first day, my world became a little nicer and I found a life long friend. We would spend the years that followed at each others houses, hanging out together, laughing together and leaning on each other for family and emotional support. I don't think I would have made it through 6th grade without my friend, I hope my Wild Child can find such a friend too. If nothing else, I am betting his 6th grade year will be much better than my own and I will enjoy watching him grow this coming year.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

What a crappy couple of weeks I have had!

It all started two Sunday's ago when a filling came out of one of my teeth. Monday I went into the dentist and they told me I was going to need a root canal, post and crown. The office person told me it was going to cost me in the range of $700 to get this done after my insurance paid their portion.  So we scheduled the appointment for the root canal for Thursday (last week). I arranged for my mother in law to come down and take care of Orion for me, which required her to reschedule meetings and such. So Thursday I go in for the root canal and sure enough first thing they are telling me that I actually need something called a crown lengthening and that it's going to cost me another $600! They even tried to convince me that my dental insurance company was going to pay a total amount that was twice what my benefit is. I ended up walking out with a copy of my x-rays and a really bad mood.

I called the insurance company when I got home and they laughed at the concept that they would make special accommodations and pay double my benefit so I would have been stuck with that extra amount as well. I called a different dentist who was also covered under my insurance and asked to come in for a second opinion, they could get me in the very next day. Friday morning I have Orion pack up some video games and head on into the dentist thinking they are just going to look at this tooth and give me their opinion. They look at it and agree that indeed I do need a root canal, post and crown on the tooth but the crown lengthening was not needed. Then they ask if I want to go ahead and get that done with right then and there. I was scheduled for a full visit so why not take advantage of the time and get it over with. They pulled in an extra chair for Orion to sit in while they worked and he got to watch me get a root canal done. Then they ask if I want to go ahead and put the post in since there is no sign of infection in the tooth. What the heck, why not right? So he puts in the post and does a temporary filling over it. I now have a tooth again. The dentist recommended that I just wait until January to do the crown since the vast majority of my insurance benefits will have been used up on the root canal and post just so I can save myself a little money. Orion was well behaved through the entire thing and I was very pleased, he truly made me one proud mama!

A couple days later, on Sunday, hurricane Irene came through and knocked out our power. We waited and waited for it to come on, nothing all day. Then my husband went to work on Monday and hear rumors that it might take 5 days to get our power back because there were so many lines down everywhere. I had to throw out all the food in my refridgerator except for a couple things that we managed to get into coolers and on ice, things like some chicken, milk and butter. Most of the fridge stuff was lost and all the frozens as well. On the up side of fridge is so clean now it looks like it just came home from the store. Yesterday morning the power came back on, I was thrilled! I went out food shopping so I could restock my house.......only to come home to no power! I had to run out very quickly and get some ice at the store down the road so that I could pack another cooler with it and ice all the food I had just bought. I was afraid I was going to lose all that food as well and I was not pleased. The power didn't come back until early evening. This morning I woke up half expecting to see no power, but it is still on so I am hoping it's all over with for us and that we will not lose it again.

On the down side, I could not work the entire time the power was out so I lost out on a fair amount of money. Luckily I have a wonderful husband who makes a lot more than me so that we can still pay the bills and survive!


Of course these events have taken me back to my youth and I have to share with you...because that's what I do on Thursday :)

The tooth thing took me back to when I was maybe 4 or 5 years old. I don't really remember how old I was, but I do remember the event and I can actually still see bits and pieces of it perfectly. It was the day my egg donor became a toothless old fool. I can perfectly picture her coming home from the dentists office, her mouth full of bloody cotton balls, looking like someone had beaten her to a pulp. She looked utterly miserable.....maybe that's why I can picture it so well, because it was a moment that I saw her feeling the way she always made me feel. She had gone to the dentist and had every single tooth in her mouth pulled out. I don't remember the why, I just remember that part of it. She never got dentures because she couldn't afford them, so from that moment on she was a toothless old fool......literally!

When my tooth broke last year I got a crown on it, this year I lost a filling and needed my first root canal. But I will make sure that no matter what, I will never become her! If I didn't have my husband and his help, I would be. I would have needed to have that tooth pulled out and never replaced. I would have left last years tooth until it rotted away and had to be pulled too. I am so very thankful that I will never be like her, I will find a way to make sure that even if I do end up needing to have my teeth pulled, I will find a way to afford dentures because I will never, I simply refuse to become a toothless old fool.


The power outage also took me back. I can recall so many times when we would come home to find no heat, no electricity, and no running water. Generally that would be the middle of winter and the pipes would be frozen because the oil had run out and the electricity was off because she hadn't paid her bill. I remember how horrible I felt in those times, having to go find some wood to burn in the pot belly stove and then melt snow on top of it so that we could take a bath or make something resembling food or even flush the toilet. I remember having to leave the toilet unflushed because the snow hadn't melted yet or worse, having to go in a pot and then carry it outside to dump in the swamp. It was always so humiliating having to carry the pot of smelly mess out to the swampy area behind the house to dump. If you slipped and spilled it you not only got to smell like that for the rest of the week but you got a beating for it too. I often tried very hard to hold it until I got to school just so I could use a real bathroom. At those times, when it was cold and we had no heat, we would melt the snow on the stove and then put it into jars and curl up with them in bed to stay warm through the night. Sometimes we would fight over the jars because the bigger the jar the longer your heat lasted. I often ended up with the smallest jar because I was the youngest and smallest. Occasionally Sissy would crawl into bed with me and share her jar and warmth with me, but most of the time she would sleep with Big Sis #2. It was during these times of no power where I learned to survive on very little, very little food, very little warmth, and very little love.


One final note...because of the power issues the schools will not open for an extra week so my son is enjoying his last week of summer once again....lucky kid! Of course this just means they will go longer into the summer but hey, it's nice to find out on the last day of summer vacation that you get an extension.