Thursday, September 22, 2011
After receiving her text I began to think about myself and how I have been viewing my past as of late. I then realized that she is right, I am truly beginning to heal. I still feel bitterness when I think of the egg donor, still call her the egg donor, she will never be my mother since really she wasn't a mother at all. But when I think back I find that I am finding myself feeling more pity than anger and bitterness.....that's a good thing right? I mean really it's probably better for me to not be so angry and pissed off at her forever, it's not good for your health to be angry all the time. I know that I do it more for my son than for myself, I don't want him to grow up with an angry pissed off mother and I certainly wouldn't want him to look back on his childhood and refer to me as his egg donor. No, I have to heal whether or not I want to because it hurts him if I don't.
Again, that's a good thing right?
Perhaps I am healing for the wrong reasons, I think some would say that. Personally I think any reason to heal is a good enough reason simply because the end justifies the means. Does it really matter what I use as my tool to heal? Does it matter the reason I do it so long as I actually do it? I don't think so. Some would say that if I don't do it for myself then I am doing it for all the wrong reasons and that in the end, once he is no longer here, once he is grown up and has moved out, I will find myself bitter and angry once again. I really don't think that's the case at all. I think if I can heal and be a good mother to my child then when he grows up and moves out on his own I will feel such a sense of accomplishment that I will have no choice but to feel good about myself. I will be healed and I will continue to feel good about my life and what I made of it. I took a giant basket of lemons and am slowly turning them into lemonade for my son....I feel that makes me a good mother and when I feel like a good mother I feel good about myself. Thus he is a perfect reason to move on, to live, to love and to heal.
This week I will not be posting any angry bitter thoughts, I will not be posting anything negative at all. This week I will relish in the fact that I have taken a step forward, I have a healthy scab over my wounds of my childhood and I will not pick at that scab this week. I will leave it be and enjoy the fact that this week there is a little less pain in my heart when I think about my wounds.
Have a great weekend and remember to enjoy the healing process when you can.