My Tickers

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Here we are, another week has past and Thursday is upon me. Summer has arrived with lots of heat and sunshine :-) I get to grill outside, which I totally love, and this year I finally perfected the frozen french fries on the grill!! My son requests them every night now as well as the hubby. It makes me very happy that they are enjoying the food I put in front of them and that I don't have to heat up the house with the oven to do it.

This week coming up includes Independence Day, we already went to a fireworks show last week and I think after that experience I have had enough for awhile. See I got to have my first experience of not knowing where my child was and it scared me to death! See My wonderful wild child did not listen when I reminded him to bring his phone with him so when he said he was going to be over by the basketball hoops and I couldn't find him I also couldn't get in touch with him.  He had decided that the playground was too "little" for him so he went over to the basketball / swingset area to hang out. After like 1/2 hour it was getting dark and I started getting nervous so I went looking for him and could not find him. I tried calling him but he didn't have his phone with him. I called hubby to see if he had returned to the area we were sitting and he wasn't there. I walked all over the place looking for him to no avail. Hubby went off to look at the "little" playground thinking maybe he went back over there, I found a couple of police officers and showed them the photo on my cell phone and we went looking for him. They broadcast over their radios his name and description and I had the whole force out looking for him.  There was probably 1000 people there and we could not find him anywhere. The police officer and I went back to our blanket to see if he had returned and sure enough there he was. I hugged him and cried! Apparently he had run into a couple of boys from school and went off with them for a bit, he just neglected to tell us where he was going to be and since he didn't have his phone he couldn't call.  I told him if he EVER goes anywhere without that phone again there's gonna be trouble cause Mama's heart just can't take that kind of thing!

Of course that incident got me to thinking about my own relationship (or lack there of) with my egg donor. I can't help but wonder what she would have done in that situation. Would she have bothered looking for me? Would she of gone to a police officer in tears asking for help to find her lost child? Somehow I doubt it. I don't see her caring enough to bother looking for me say nothing about trying to get help to find me. I also can't help but wonder what kept me from wandering away from her. I had plenty of situations where we were in large crowds and I probably could have slipped away and disappeared yet I stayed with her and my siblings. I never wandered away from her, never disappeared, never would I have dreamed of hanging out with friends and forgetting to let someone know where I was going to be. The egg donor knew where I was 24/7 because I never ventured far enough away for her to not know. But why? I think it's mainly because I wouldn't have known where to go or what to do to take care of myself. Besides the point if the people who are supposed to love you the most beat you and hurt you in unimaginable ways, what's the rest of the world going to do?? I think that's what kept me there, the fear of the unknown, the fear of even worse than I was already getting, the fear made me stay.

I guess in a way I am happy to know that my son doesn't feel that kind of fear. That he is comfortable enough in his world that he doesn't know true fear. He doesn't understand the evil that lurks in crowds and I really am happy that he doesn't. He has been taught to holler, scream, punch and yell you're not my dad or you're not my mom. He has been taught that there are bad people out there and we won't know who  the bad ones are until they do something bad to us, but he is comfortable enough in his world to venture away from mom and dad and not be afraid like I was. That is truly a good thing and it makes me the same time it scared me to death to know that there are evil people out there and that he was not where he was supposed to be. It opened a door of conversation for us and it taught us all a lesson. My son learned to carry his phone with him when  he's not with me and I learned to trust him enough to find his way back to me. Hopefully there isn't a next time, but if there is, I don't think I'll send the police out looking for him after an hour, maybe I'll wait for an hour and 5 minutes lol


Have a wonderful holiday and take this time to talk to your children about safety and about strangers. No matter how old they are, they are never too old or too young to get snagged or lost. Make sure they have cell phones and that they have the phone on them before they wander out of your sight, modern technology is an amazing tool and it should be used.  Hold them close and love them because they truly are life's most precious gifts!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Just some updates:

First, I haven't heard back on the job completely. Apparently the person that I would be replacing is having a hard time selling her house and may not be moving afterall. She was given 1 more week to figure out what she wants to do because if she doesn't move, she will be keeping the job and the position will no longer be available. I'm a bit bummed out by that, but what can I do? Not much, so it's a wait and see and I'll know more on Tuesday. I was told I would have a definite answer one way or the other on Tuesday so there we are. Not much to say and just keeping my fingers crossed because I really wanted that job.


Second, as you probably have guessed, my son has finished 5th grade and he is still in my care. He is actually out with his father right now, but he wasn't taken away by some police officer and a nice social worker. He came home with me and I took one more step forward in my healing process. Although I have found very few people who understand why this was so important to me, why it felt like a landmark, I feel it within me and honestly I don't care what other people think anymore. This was a big deal to me not because I felt like a failure as a mother, not because I was worried even, it was a step for me emotionally and I am sure that I will continue to make emotional steps to ensure my healing. Something like this, this life that I lived, it's not something that you can just walk away from unscathed. It haunts you whether you want it to or not. No matter how hard you try, it's still there and all it takes is a smell or a word or a certain tone of voice to send you spiraling backwards into the depths of a nightmare that you have already survived. You're supposed to be awake and free of the terror, yet it's right there hiding and waiting for you around every corner. You see it in the eyes of others, you hear it in tones of voices, you want to run from it but it is always there, like your shadow. Sometimes the sun comes out high in the sky and you don't see it, there's no trace of that shadow in sight, but eventually the sun will begin to set and the shadow becomes long and dark and it follows you wherever you roam. There is no escaping it, it is a part of you and once you accept that and take those little steps, find the minor milestones and rejoice in them, that shadow becomes smaller and you feel bigger than it. Once you are bigger than your dark shadow, you begin to feel like you can live again, you can breathe again, you can be "normal" like everyone else. So yes, I felt my milestone and I felt the glory of doing something better than my egg donor, I felt a small piece of the pain fall away and I don't care if no one understands that, I do and truly that is all that matters. I am the one that needs to heal, I am the one that needs to grow emotionally, I am the one that needs to beat this shadow down enough that the sun in my life never sets again and that shadow can never grow long and dark again. My hope is that one day that will be the way it is, that I can look behind me and see no trace of the shadow because it fell away so very long ago. I hope that in writing my blog that the shadow will be lost in my words and will stop haunting me. If others can't understand that, well screw them, because quite honestly I don't care what they think anymore. I need to do this for me, I need to find these little things that seem like nothing to everyone else and make my healing process about me and not about anyone else. The only other person remotely involved is my son, he is the reason I do this afterall. I don't want him to see a weak sad mother, I want him to see a strong mother who can stand up and speak out. I want him to see me as a person I would be proud to be and a person who makes him proud to have as his mother. I can't be that person if this shadow keeps following me around darkening my world. So if you don't get my milestone, I really don't care to hear your opinion. To me  it's important and that is all that matters.


Third, I want to share with everyone my awesome sons report card for 5th Grade! Just a quick note on our grading system...they give an overall grade and then some parts of math and English  are broken down into Advanced, Proficient, Needs Improvement, and Below Standard.

Mathematics Overall Grade: B+ ....I also want to note that his algebra and geometry portions of the math grade were BOTH advanced! Everything else was Proficient :)

Social Studies Overall Grade: B+ .... This is up from a B-

Science Overall Grade: A .... This is up from a A-

Reading Overall Grade: B+ ....This is up from a C+

Language Arts Overall Grade: B+ .....This is up from a B

Composition Overall Grade: A- ......This is up from a C-!!!!!

The biggest thing to me is that the teachers also point out how much effort they believe the child is putting in. The last two grading periods Orion has had nothing but an S (meaning Some of the Time) for his effort. This term, every single effort went up to an M (meaning Most of the Time) EXCEPT for Science and Composition where his effort went for an S to CO (meaning Consistently) For a child with ADHD to pull out these grade and put in enough effort for the teachers to actually see it, it's amazing to me. He did awesome and I am so unbelievably proud of him!


Have a great weekend, I know I will. This Friday evening I will be taking Orion to the bowling alley for what they call Rock N Bowl. They turn the regular lights down, turn on the strobe lights, disco lights, black lights and smoke machines. They blare rock music and we get to bowl! It's what we do the first Friday after school lets out every single year, our celebration of the end of the school year and the beginning of summer. Remember to celebrate the little things and find the milestones that will make your shadows a little smaller because eventually those milestones will add up and the shadow will be gone and you'll find you can look back and still smile.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Today's The Day......................

Today is an important day on a few different levels, I'm excited, scared, nervous, anxious, so many emotions balled up inside me. Let me tell you about today

First, as I have mentioned a few times already, today is an amazing day for me! Today, I become a success, today I surpass my egg donor and I become a better, more successful mother. Today is the next to last day of 5th grade for my son!

It was my next to last day of 5th grade when my big sister woke me up, dragged me into the bathroom and locked the door. She was rushed and scared and very secretive. She urgently whispered that a lady was coming to the school sometime that day and no matter what it was vital that I go with her. That I was to go with that lady and she would bring me to my sisters and brother, she told me not to be scared and that no matter what, I was to not tell the egg donor! I was not to tell the egg donors boyfriend, I was to go straight to school as if nothing was different and that everything would be ok. I was not told that I would never be going back to that hell, I was not told to take any clothes or any favorite toys, I was not told anything other than go with this woman who would be showing up to take me to my brother and sisters and to not tell anyone about it. I kept my secret and spent the entire day watching and waiting for this strange woman to come. She came at the end of the day, just as we were finishing talking about field day the next day. We had been discussing plans of what activities we would be doing and what fun it was going to be. I was sitting at my desk when she came to the door. She spoke briefly with my teacher who came to me and told me to take my things and go with this lady. He even wished me good luck. There was a police officer with her, he was a state trooper and he carried a gun. I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to go with her, I did not get to say goodbye to my friends, I did not get to say goodbye to my school, I did not get to go back and have field day. That was the final day I was to live with my egg donor and her boyfriends, my last day of getting hit and raped and abused.
It was my next to last day of 5th grade when my egg donor became an official failure!

Today is my sons next to last day of 5th grade, today I become a success. This is a big day for me and I am happy to know that my son will come home, my son will still be mine tomorrow and I will still be his mother.


The second reason today is a big day is because today I have to overcome my fear of people, I have to be a leader and take over the ice cream party for the 5th grade class. See one of the moms had planned this awesome ice cream sundae party for the entire 5th grade class and it was supposed to happen yesterday. Unfortunately the band concert that was supposed to happen Friday was canceled to yesterday so we had to be bumped because a bunch of our 5th grade class is in the band. The mother who originally put this together has to work today so it falls to me to organize and take care of the party. I know there were probably other options, other parents who could have helped out, but I said I would do it because I'm going to be there anyway and really how hard can it be right? I'm just scared and nervous because of the fact that I tend to be exceptionally shy and can't remember names to save my life and well, I'm  not a social butterfly in the least. I generally prefer to hide in the corner, be quiet and just go with the flow of things. Today I must be the leader and step up to help my son and his class have a fantastic ice cream sundae party and what better cause could a mom have? NONE! I look forward to his smile and watching him interact with his friends and I look forward to taking him home with me at  the end because of reason number1 :)


The third and final reason today is a big day is because I am eagerly waiting for a phone call that could literally change our lives big time. See I have been working from home for many years and money just seems to get tighter and tighter and tighter as the years go by. Even though I work from home I don't make a ton of money and we really need something more. Well Last week I responded to an ad I saw on Craigslist for a preschool teacher assistant. I had an interview this past Friday and the lady said she felt really good about it but she wanted to call my references and wanted to look over my resume and then she would get back to me by Tuesday. Well, today is Tuesday and I haven't heard back so today I should hear something and I truly, deeply hope that she will take me on for the position. It's ideal, it's perfect, it's everything I want it to be. I would be working the school calendar so vacations, holidays, etc, all off and no worries about the wild child and his care while I'm working. Worst case scenario, he's home in the morning for 1/2 hour and again in the afternoon for another 1/2 hour or so. I really want this job and am hoping against hope that I get it.


Well that's it for now, I need to go do a few things like shower, work for a bit and anxiously wait for the phone to ring. I'll let you know how the day goes and if I get the the job :)

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Project

I've mentioned Orion's project for school a couple times, well it's finally finished!

The final presentation will be on Friday  when all the parents get to come to the school and learn all about the different subjects and see all the displays. This will be the final part of his grade and I truly hope the teacher is impressed with the effort and thought that went into this.

First he created a gravestone for Planet Pluto out of styrofoam. It started out as one long strip of styrofoam from Michael's, he cut the end off to make the base with. He traced the of the stone onto the base and cut it out so that it would slip into it and make it stand up. He painted everything black, and then stenciled the letters on with white paint. The styrofoam was the porous kind so every once in awhile you can see the glistening of the white making the stone look a bit like granite. The dates are the day Pluto was discovered and the date that scientists announced that Pluto did not actually fit the classification of planet and therefore would no longer be considered a planet.

Here he is holding his gravestone

Next he needed to create a display board to display some of the creative pieces he has made for this multi-genre project. At Michael's he found a set of solar system styrofoam balls which he cut in half and then covered with Crayola Model Magic Clay. He stuck these across the top of the board to show the solar system in a 3-D display. He then added his choice creative pieces...a crossword puzzle he created, a word search he created, a graphic display of what makes a planet (this piece has the three rules written on it and then the list of all the planets and a yes or no if they meet the standard of the rule), A double voice poem he wrote and a newspaper article he wrote as if he were a newspaper reporter announcing that Pluto was no longer a planet.

Here he is with both pieces that we will deliver to school this morning so that they can stay safe and sound until the presentation on Friday.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

ADHD curse or blessing?

As any mother who has a child with ADHD can tell you, it's not an easy ride raising a child who has this. It starts out in the early years, but most doctors will not diagnose it until the child gets into kindergarten or 1st grade. This is mainly because the way ADHD is diagnosed is kind of difficult. There's this questionnaire you get to fill out to rate your child's behavior in different situations and mom and dad get to each fill out their own form. This way the doctors know if it's really ADHD or just one parent is struggling. But along with that the school teacher needs to fill out the same kind of form as well because in order to get a diagnosis of ADHD your child must be misbehaving in more than one situation. See ADHD effects more than just one area of a child's life. So if he is just being a brat at home, then maybe mom and dad need to discipline more or change tactics. If the child is having problems at school as well as at home then there's something worth looking into. That's the way it was with my wild child.

I knew from the beginning that he was going to be an active child, even in the uterus he kicked and thrashed and moved around a lot. The only time he slowed down was near the end when he was running out of fluid and space. Even then he stretched and pushed for space and a few nights he kicked up so hard that he hit my stomach and caused me to toss my cookies! Yep, I knew he was going to be a challenge....he even came out fast! Everyone told me it was common for a first pregnancy to have a long labor but mine was 5 hours and 10 minutes. As a baby he was determined to move, he wanted to be on his feet very early and was perfectly content to stand in your lap bouncing up and down over and over again. I have a photo of him at 2 months old standing at my mother-in-laws coffee table by himself! At 4 months old his favorite game was to pull himself to a stand in his crib, let go and fall over backwards flat as a board. He would crash and giggle then do it all over again. Once he tried it on the outside of the crib from the floor...that was not as soft of a landing and he didn't laugh...but he also never tried that stunt again unless he was inside the crib lol He loved to bounce in his Super Bouncing Buggy ( one of those play saucers but it was shaped like a truck) and he bounced and bounced and bounced. He rarely napped or slept, I would hear other moms talking about their kids sleeping through the night yet I was still waiting, heck he just started really sleeping through the night in the past six months and he's going to be 11 years old in September!  He's very active, always doing before thinking and even worse, speaking before thinking. He just blurts out whatever comes to mind, he has no ability to filter at all. He just can't control his impulses. Impulse control is a big part of ADHD and we are trying to learn to deal with it.

Of course ADHD isn't all bad, there are some things about it that are actually good. He never tires so you never have to worry about him not having enough energy to do fun things. His energy seems to give him a vast amount of happiness and he laughs out loud a lot. It's such a wonderful sound, his laughter, and it's contagious so anyone around him will find that they too can't help but laugh. Of course when he's pushing the limits of your patience and your can't help but laugh because he's laughing, well then it's not so good. I love that he has an amazing imagination and can still use it even though he uses electronics and watches tv, I love that he is learning to deal with his ADHD and understands why he needs the meds. I love that he loves life so much and has so much fun no matter what he is doing. His constant desire to seek joy and happiness is going to take him places in his life, his ability to argue and fight is going to be a wonderful trait someday. His abundant energy will be helpful when he has to meet a deadline and has to stay up all night making it. Yes, he is going to be an amazing adult because he gets to spend his youth struggling to gain the control over the ADHD. By the time he gets to his adult years he will be the master of his own body, his own life, his entire destiny. When that day gets here I know I will look back and feel so proud of his accomplishments.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

The other day I volunteered to help out for the 5th grade field day events. It was a lot of fun and I enjoyed watching my son run around with other kids having the time of his life. It was well over 90 degrees so I chose to do the water sponge area where the kids line up between two buckets, soak a sponge in a bucket and pass it over their head to the next person inline until it gets to the end. The last person wrings out the sponge (if there's any water left in it) and then runs it to the front of the line where they dunk it in the bucket of cold water and start the process over again. The line that has the most water in their end bucket wins. The kids enjoyed wringing out the sponges over their heads and over their friends heads and dumping the bucket of water over their heads when the sponges just wasn't enough. I stood there watching my son and his classmates and I couldn't help but think about my own egg donor and wonder why she never volunteered to do that sort of thing. I find no greater joy than to watch the wild child run and laugh and be a kid with other kids. To see that well rounded happy child makes me feel so good inside that nothing can bring me down, nothing can make me feel badly and above all else I feel like I've done a pretty good job. I saw some other kids who had to be pulled aside by teachers because they were out of control, my boy (thankfully) was not among them. It was good to know that, at least for that one day, he was making me proud by being on his best behavior.  I can't help but wonder if the egg donor had taken the time to volunteer at my school and watch me play with my friends, maybe then she would have seen what a great kid I was too.

I like to think I was a pretty good kid. All my teachers liked me and a few of them are my "friends" on facebook even now.  I tried my best to please the grown ups in my life because the ones that were supposed to matter didn't seem to care. I can't help but think that they were blind when it came to me and my siblings, they were selfish and cared only about themselves. The egg donor and the sperm donor, they couldn't see beyond what they wanted and what made their lives convenient. As for me, I go out of my way to make my sons life everything it can be. I make sure I take time out of my day to read to him every single night because he likes it, I go to field day events to watch him shine, I help him complete school projects because it will make him feel good to earn a terrific grade and I know he can't earn it unless I make sure he stays on task. Is it easy to do these things? no it's not, but I am a mother and I chose to make these sacrifices when I chose to become one. When I made that decision to conceive a child I made the decision to help that child grow up into a responsible human being. I chose to make the sacrifices for his sake and to no longer do things for myself. I chose to be a mother and being a mother is so much more than simply giving birth.


As I mentioned before, my big day is rapidly approaching and I am getting more and more excited by the minute. I am enjoying helping my son wrap up these last minute project ideas for his class and as I watch him put it all together I am feeling so proud of him. He is really becoming such an awesome little man and as my day approaches, the day where I can say I have surpassed my egg donor, I feel not only proud of him but also proud of myself. I have become a pretty good mother, regardless of her failures and lack of teaching, I have succeeded. I have become the loving attentive mother that I always wanted as a child and I did it all by myself! I had no example of what I should do in these early years, just my gut and instincts to guide me. I have turned to hubby many times when I felt I had no clue what I was doing, but for the most part it has just come to me and I just go with the stride. I am sure I have made parenting mistakes, perhaps been nicer than I should have and haven't punished when a punishment was due. But regardless of what mistakes I have made my son is still my pride and joy and a child that I can feel proud to say "THAT'S MY BOY!"


Have a great weekend and be sure you hug those little ones, even if they've grown quite large. Tell them that you love them and apologize for your mistakes. Make your parenting decisions by what you feel is right and when it comes right down to it, you'll most likely do the right thing....and in the end your children will also be children that you can feel proud to say "THAT'S MY CHILD!"

Friday, June 3, 2011

It's almost here.............

On June 22nd, at 1:05pm, my son will finish 5th grade. This is a day I have been looking forward to for a very different reason than you might expect. It's not that my son is growing up, it's not that he's going to be a 6th grader, it actually has nothing at all to do with fully has to do with me!

I've mentioned before that it was the next to last day of the school year when I was taken from my classroom, placed in the back seat of a state trooper vehicle, and taken away looking more like a criminal than a child who was being saved. This is why I am looking forward to my son finishing 5th grade!! 5th grade was a major year for me, it was life changing and for some reason getting my son through fifth grade feels like a stepping stone, a milestone if you will, something I should be proud of.

I think the biggest thing for me is that this feels like a major accomplishment, this is the point where I become more successful as a parent than my egg donor! I was the youngest, her final trial, her final test in life. She failed miserably! She failed so badly that halfway through her test she had everything taken away from her to never be returned. She had enough chances to succeed, I was it, her last chance and she blew it. She just couldn't handle the pressure and so the state came in and took us away from her. The fact that I still have my son in my care at the end of 5th grade is my milestone, my success. This is what I get to relish, this is what makes me feel like I have surpassed her and I have won! She could not and can not keep me down, she could not enforce her evilness in me. I beat her in this game called life and I feel proud of that fact.

As I walk over to the school to pick up my son on the 22nd I know I am going to feel so free because I will truly have won, I will have passed a major test in my eyes and I will have passed it with flying colors!  I know it will happen and the closer I get to the date the more excited I feel about it! It's almost here and I can't wait!


Speaking of not being able to wait for things and school, my son is doing amazing on his multi-genre project for school. Basically he has been working on this project since April, first he had to choose a topic of choice (which he chose "Why Pluto Is No Longer A Planet")  and they had to write a 7 paragraph report on it. He got an A+ on that. Next they needed to write a newspaper article on the subject, which he also landed an A+. The third part was to write a 6 room poem, which he did and got another A+, 4th he needed to write a double voice poem...which also earned an A+! This past week he had to write a math word problem regarding his subject, provide the answer and explain it including showing his work. I hope that pulls out another A+ as well. He still needs to create some creative pieces on the subject...he already has a neat fact sheet he did and a word search puzzle he created but he needs at least 2 more, preferably 4 or 5  more creative pieces. He also needs to do up a display board with information on his subject for a presentation at school that will happen in a couple of weeks.

What amazes me most the fact that he has ADHD and he is still managing to pull out grades that I didn't think possible. he is not very good at organizing his time yet he has managed to hand in every single piece of work on time if not early! He is working so hard to complete this project because this class (English Language Arts) is his worst class. His first report card he had a C- in that class, his second report card he managed to pull that up to a C+. He really wants that C off his report card since his other classes have been A's and 1 B. I spoke with his teacher and she says if he keeps this up he could actually pull out an A in her class, a B at the worst. But he has to keep doing what he is doing, he has to keep working hard and handing in his work on time and with quality. I can't wait to see his presentation and to see his final grade because I am sure it will be nothing short of amazing!