Counting down the days...

What am I counting down to??...a few things

Number 1, My birthday! Come Sunday, at 10:10am, I will turn 41 years old. I will begin my 42nd year of life on this planet. It's time for me to make some New Year Resolutions....and here they are:

1. I will stop letting others walk all over me! I will no longer live in one way relationships regardless of who they are. Whether it be someone I know casually or someone related to me, I will not allow anyone to take advantage of my kind heart any more.....or at least I'm going to try. I am sick and tired of being the one people go to when they need someone to cry to but not being able to turn to them when my life gets rough. If I have had a bad day, bad week, bad month...I need someone I can go to just to complain, to vent and possibly to cry with. I need someone who will offer me support when I am weak and won't try to tell me how their life is so much worse than mine could ever be. I need people who come to me to share their happiness and their tears, not just their tears. I need give and take...and if that means my cousin and my husband are the only people I associate with on a regular basis, then so be it. I am just tired of feeling used.

2. I am going to work on being a better wife and supporter to my husband. Even when we are fighting it out I know deep inside that he loves me and he would never hurt me intentionally. He would never physically do anything to harm me and he would walk through fire if it meant that myself and my son would be safe and happy. He really would do anything for us and I know that I get a bit lazy about laundry and dusting and plenty of other things. As I have said before, he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me! I truly believe that and I will be spending the next year working on making sure that no matter what is going on around us, he is going to know it.

3. I am going to be a better mother. I will be more patient, more kind, more understanding. I am going to work hard to make sure the door of communications stays open and that he knows I am here to talk about anything and everything. I will work on my discipline tactics so that I can stay more consistent since I know I give in way too much. I am currently reading a book about unspoiling your child and I am finding it to be helpful. I think coming from the life I came from, and my fear of falling into the trap of repeating the cycle, I actually ended up spoiling a bit. I am too soft, I know it, and as he gets closer to the teen years and he continues to change from boy to man, I know I need to nip some of his behavior before it gets out of hand. I love him enough to discipline him and be consistent.  

4. I am going to take some time for "me" and for "we" every single week. I will watch my shows, I will read a book, I will relax and concentrate on me. I will do this once a week because it's important. I will also make sure that once a week I take the same weekday off as my husband has off so that we can have some time together while the Wild Child is in school. One full day, every single week, where we get to be just we...again, I feel it's important. I am not just a mother and I am not just a wife. My husband and I are not just parents....we are people, we are a couple, and I feel it's important to spend one day every week remembering and realizing what it is that made us fall in love in the first place. May will be 21 years we have been together...that's a long time! I think part of the reason people end up in divorce situations is because they get so wrapped up in their jobs and their parenting that they kind of forget what they love about each other. They don't find the time to feel those butterflies anymore. I think couples become kind of like that book that you read over and over again because you loved it SO much, but then you put it on the shelf and although it's there you don't pull it out and read it as much anymore because there are so many other books and magazines sitting there as well. Once you pull that book off the shelf, dust off the cover and start reading, that's when you begin to ask yourself why you hadn't picked it up sooner because you love it so much. Divorce happens when you forget the book and it somehow gets lost somewhere. You look back years later and wonder what ever happened to that old book. Although you search and search, you just can't find it. You feel sad for your loss, and then begin to search for a new book to read and love. I don't want a new book, can't imagine myself ever reading another...and I don't want to ever feel like I lost it. So I'm going to make sure our book stays open on the coffee table where it can be read and cherished forever.


So...what else and I counting down to?  I'm counting down to my birthday snowboarding vacation!

Yep, Sunday, as I turn 41, I will be driving. I'll be on the road, heading for Maine to spend a week with my two favorite people (Hubby and The Wild Child) snowboarding! I totally can not wait!

Finally...I'm also counting down the days to seeing my cousin Candy! Candy just so happens lives in a town that we're driving through at lunchtime. So on Sunday morning I will tell my GPS exactly where we're having lunch and tell it to take me there. I'll send Candy a text letting her know what time we are due to arrive. Since I'll be driving I can't text on the road....BTW yes I love to do the driving when we go snowboarding! I look forward to having lunch with my favorite cousin :)

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Overall, I think this year is going to be a good year for me. I think it's going to get better and things are going to look brighter in my future. I am going to learn to stand tall and stand strong, to not allow myself to be emotionally used by others and to be the best wife and mother I can be.

And in case anyone was wondering...I have not heard from my sister except for a couple of comments that she has made in my direction in posts on facebook. I get the feeling that she doesn't want to tell me the truth because she knows I disagree with her decisions and since I don't agree with her I am useless to her. She thinks she is happy for now so she doesn't have a need for me. In a few months time, when she has gotten her head bashed into the wall again or she finds herself emotionally battered...that's when she'll need me....I just don't know if I'll still be there.

I know it's late....

But better late than never right?

So as I mentioned last week, I have been reflecting. I spent last week thinking about where I was, where I came from and how it effects me today. It was a rough week but I feel I came out on top. I don't like to stay in the past, it's not good there, it's dark and deep and leaves ya feeling like you need a shower. It was extra emotional for me because menopause was acting up and my hormones were all over the place, but I came through, once again, thanks to my cousin Candy! 

Honestly I think I would be lost without that girl in my life...she really knows the right things to say at the right time to make you laugh and feel better about everything. Sometimes I wonder how she can be a member of this family of ours cause she is pretty flipping AWESOME! Pretty soon...my birthday in fact, I am hopefully going to be seeing her face to face for the first time in over 20 years! The Hubby and Wild Child are taking me up to the tippy top of Maine for a snowboarding vacation for my birthday and we just so happen will be driving through her town around lunchtime....so we're gonna try to work it out so that we can meet for lunch...I TOTALLY can not wait! I'll get a picture of her and me together to post on here if she lets me...and I'm betting she'll let me since she actually reads this blog regularly :)

Onward to week two of my reflection....where am I now??

Right now I'm in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally. I have come to fully understand that I can not change my past, it is what it is. I have also come to finally understand that saying that everyone used to tell me "Life is what you make of it" and that's what I'm working on now. 

Life Is What You Make Of It.......so what have I made?? I have made a pretty good life I think, something I can be proud of (or at least most of it) I've made some mistakes that I'm not so proud of, but those moments, those mistakes, my husband and child have helped me through those. Those days when I was in the deepest pits of despair, where I thought life was never going to be the same or was just not worth living, those days my husband seemed to just know that I needed a hug and helped me through. I managed to somehow find a man that may not be perfect, but is perfect for me! There are days when I just feel BLAH and he'll see it. He'll ask what's wrong, I'll say nothing...he'll give me that look and ask again. He asks over and over until he gets the answer because he just knows that I'm trying to put on a brave face when I'm really hurting inside...and he does not like to see me hurting. Even The Wild Child is learning that a hug for mom will go a long ways and the best ones come out of the blue when they are least expected. My little man is growing up, and he's becoming a man that I feel so proud of that it brings tears to my eyes. When I want to know what kind of life I have made, I look into his eyes and I know. I made a good life and I like it here.

I have learned that when I need a more soft touch of emotion, when I need to vent about the things of the past or try to figure out things that are going on around me involving my old life, I turn to Candy more than anyone else. She listens, she talks and she brings a light to my dark path. Although my hubby and Wild Child are awesome at fixing the here and now, I don't like to take them back there. I don't like for them (especially the Wild Child) to see that dark world. They are my light at the end of my tunnel, Candy is my candle that sees me through...because Candy has been there and she knows our genes carry evil. She, like me, has had to work through family crap and since it's the same family...she gets it. She and I seem to have a similar view on moving forward and leaving the junk behind us. When I begin to wander off my path, she leads me back and reminds me to keep looking at the two lights at the end of my tunnel. Candy is my Cousin, My sister, and my Friend! I am very happy to have her back in my life :-)

Next week......Where Am I Going??

This is a test

Checking out the blog posting app that I just put on my cell phone. Now I can post from the computer or the phone when I'm on the go :-)

Some people just can't be helped.........

         WARNING: This post may seem cold hearted to some, if you are offended STOP READING! I need to get this off my chest!


          I think I'm going to give up, I can not stand to watch my efforts go to waste! I have tried to talk reason, I have tried to make her understand, but some people just can not be helped! Some people are just pathetic and sad and have warped views on the world. I have been lied to for the last time!

          I'm of course talking about my Sissy. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's my sister afterall, but this is the last straw! About 4 months ago she sent me a text that she was hiding out in her van, apparently the guy she was madly in love with had a bad habit of bashing her head off the floor. She had finally decided she needed to get out of there and go into hiding because she supposedly feared for her life. She left him, left her things at his house and went to live with a friend of hers in another state. They had been high school sweethearts and he was still madly in love with her so he of course took her in. She sent texts that she was so happy there, she was never ever leaving, she was where she belonged. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She texted that she was going to get a gun and learn how to shoot properly because she feared for her life still. Her ex had been sending her threatening messages on her phone, telling her she had made a huge mistake leaving him. She was so scared that she had her oldest boy go to the ex boyfriends house to collect her things that he had left out on the porch because she was too afraid to go back herself. Then the holidays came and she started to get depressed because her kids weren't texting her as much, they have their own lives and they never sent her a text without her sending one first. She complained that she hated the holidays because it only reminded her of how her family had fallen apart. I felt bad for her, but I had a lot of my own concerns as well. I had just lost my main source of income and I didn't know what I was going to do about paying bills and I was stressing Christmas presents and money. One day while cleaning, she found an engagement ring, her high school sweetheart was intending to propose on New Years Day. She freaked out big time! She told him she couldn't get married, it wasn't fair to him when she was so messed up. She continued to sink and wallow in her depression. Then the other day she decided she was leaving, she told me she was still madly in love with her ex. I tried to tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go back to him, tried to remind her of what he had done....she said he did it out of desperation, she called it a "crime of passion" She also said she wasn't going back to him, that she was smarter than that but that she still loved him and she couldn't help that. My gut told me she was lying. Then I found out she had definite plans to head back to Ohio, she said she needed to be near her kids, that they kept her grounded. She said she was staying with one of her "adopted" kids (in other words a friend of one of her kids) until she could get her own place.

Yesterday she left her high school sweetheart and all day I waited to hear that she had arrived safe and sound, when evening came and I had heard nothing I began to worry. I sent her texts asking if she was ok, no replies came. I contacted her high school sweetheart who informed me that she had sent word at 11:30 in the morning that she had arrived but he hadn't heard from her since. I sent a text to her daughter to see if she had heard from her...her daughter didn't even know she was moving back to Ohio. Her daughter tried to call the friend  she claimed she was staying with...the phone had been disconnected. I mentioned that I was worried she might have gone back to her ex and her daughter said she wouldn't have been that stupid. I messaged her other daughter on facebook and she had known that Sissy was thinking about moving back but didn't know it was definite. She too tried to contact her mother....and then sent me a message that Sissy was indeed with her ex!

Honestly I don't understand how she can do this. Of course her high school sweetheart tells me to just be happy that she's happy...I can't do that. She has lied to me and placed herself back into a dangerous situation. Her high school sweetheart says maybe he changed...over 4 months? I doubt it! People like that, guys who have habits of bashing their girlfriends heads into the floor...they don't change. And even if he did somehow change, it does not change the fact that she lied to me outright! She told me she was not going back to him, that she was staying with someone else. It's not like I could have stopped her...I may have disagreed but I really couldn't do anything to make her not go....yet she lied to me and then did the exact opposite of what she said she wasn't going to do. Honestly, I have been lied to by her for the last time..I shall not believe anything she says to me ever again without first seeing the proof. I can't believe someone who grew up in our world would CHOOSE to go and live in that situation! I have always said...I don't care how much I love a man or how much he loves me, if any man ever laid a hand on me I would be out. Even right now, if my husband laid a hand on me I would leave even though we have been together almost 21 years! There is NEVER an excuse to strike someone, there is never an excuse to bash a persons head into the floor. That's why domestic violence is against the law! If she wants to choose to live that life, she can do it without me...I'm all done. I will be here and talk to her but I will not sympathize the next time he beats the crap out of her and nearly kills her....and believe me there will be a next time!

Thoughtful Thursday

It's a hard life, coming from an abusive home and living in society trying to be all normal like. It's never easy to feel like you fully fit in with those smiling happy people who all  talk about their wonderful parents and siblings. There are many days that I truly wish I could of had a normal life too, a life where my biggest complaint is that my parents grounded me for staying out too late with my friends, a life where I got into trouble and my punishment was a time out. Yeah, I have my moments where I feel like having a pity party and wish I could just smack someone, fortunately those moments are becoming fewer and farther between.

It's this time of year where I find myself feeling it the most, the few weeks before my birthday. I tend to reflect more and think about where I was, where I am, and where I want to be. I'll spend this week thinking about where I was, where I came from, my horrible nightmare of an existence. I'll spend the following week thinking about where I am currently both mentally and emotionally. That week will be a good week I am sure, since I know I am in a better place than I was last year. The week of my actual birthday will be the week where I think about where I want to go and what changes I want to make before my next birthday. This is where I make my New Years Resolutions, I don't make them on January 1st, I make them on MY new year, my birthday.....it just makes better sense to me.

So this week...Where was I? Where did I come from?

I came from a really bad life...plain and simple. I grew up in a home where I was raped by my sperm donor, my evil older brother, my uncle and my egg donor's boyfriend....and I was beaten and abused by the egg donor as well. She even tried to kill me! I was constantly reminded by her and my siblings that I was supposed to be a little pill, I wasn't supposed to be born, I wasn't supposed to exist. I was the bane of their existence. My life was a living hell! It was the kind of life that most people don't even believe exists because they don't want to believe that there are those kind of people in this world, no one wants to believe that a child of 2 years old can be raped and they want to believe that maternal instinct prevents people from beating the children they give birth to.

I remember one year in high school, I think it was 9th grade but might have been 10th, where we were assigned a paper in English class. We had to write a speech and present it to the class, I don't remember what the full assignment was exactly but I remember the paper I wrote. I wrote about child abuse and I personalized it. I don't remember the exact words but it started like this:

"Imagine you're a two year old little girl and your daddy just came home from work. It's late at night and everyone else is asleep"

I told the class to close their eyes, then told them to imagine themselves as a 2 year old being raped by daddy, a 4 year old being raped by your brother, a 6 year old being raped by your uncle, a 10 year old being raped by your mothers boyfriend. I took that class into my world, I told them the details, the smell of cigarettes, the weight of the man you were supposed to trust crushing down on you to keep you quiet. I told them about the beatings at the hand of the woman who gave birth to me, her words echoed in their ears.  I took that class into my world.....then I said this line:

"You have just imagined my life"

I'll never forget their faces when I said that. There were students in that class who grew up with me, who knew me before I went into foster care. The same people who watched that nice lady with the long brown hair take me out of my classroom that next to last day of 5th grade. They had known me and thought me a weird kid. They had laughed at me and picked on me for being weird...and now they understood. Some looked shocked, some looked appalled, some had no expression and I wonder if maybe they too had suffered a similar fate. That speech was a HUGE step in my healing process, it was the first time I had fully disclosed my abuse to anyone other than the people directly involved in my case or my therapist. I recall standing at that podium literally trembling and on the verge of tears. A part of me was worried about what they would think, how those in the class would treat me afterward once we left the classroom. I recall my teacher whispering in my ear:

"That was really brave!"

and thinking that I didn't feel very brave at all. I felt small and scared, I was worried that maybe I had gone too far and maybe I shouldn't have done that, maybe I shouldn't have taken them into that world. The speech was meant to explain that 1 in ever 4 girls is sexually abused by the time they turn 18, 1 in every 9 boys is also sexually abused. The majority of those cases happen with someone the child knows and trusts. I wanted to make them aware that there was a good chance that the person sitting next to them could be suffering inside because of their life, I wanted to take their teenage blinders off and make them aware that bad things do happen and that's why we need to be sensitive to those around us. I wanted them to understand that they should think twice before laughing at the weird kid because that weird kid probably needs a friend more than they will ever know and that one friend can make a huge difference in their life. I wanted them to see that teenage bullying and cruel jokes aren't funny and that maybe they need to think twice the next time they spy that weirdo in the hall. I also wanted anyone in that class who might be getting abused (or who might have been a victim of abuse in the past) to know that they were not alone.

Now that I look back to that day, I think it really was pretty brave to do that. To stand in front of my peers in high school  and lay out my heart to them...it was either brave or crazy....or maybe it was a bit of both. I realize that it made people not only look at me differently but also my siblings, but at the time I felt it needed to be shared. I was tired of hiding who I was, tired of trying to put on a brave face every day and wear a fake smile. I wanted people to know me for who I was on the inside and how I got that way. I wanted them to understand, to see beyond the facade that myself and all abused kids put up. I felt it was important for them to hear because maybe in hearing it they would become more sensitive as they ventured out into the halls of our school and then out into the world outside our small town. I truly hope that I made a difference in at least one classmate, if I did, then it was totally worth it!

We Want To Know Wednesdays

http://looklucklove.blogspot.com/2012/01/we-want-to-know.html

1. What is your most commonly used word or phrase when you are frustrated?

My words depend on two things.....

1) Exactly how frustrated I am...the more frustration, the more naughty the word!

2) Is the kid within hearing distance?...If the boy can hear me, well I gotta keep it clean and use substitute words.

2. What random question do you usually get from strangers or casual acquaintances? 

"You can't deny him can you" Apparently my boy looks a lot like his Mama, especially when he wears his glasses

3. Did you ever correspond by mail with anyone, who? Do you still have the letters? 

Yes, I actually grew up in an age where e-mail was pretty much unheard of and that was the only way to communicate with people long distance without the long distance charges on your phone. I don't have any of the letters, but I used to send letters to my siblings, my friends, and my foster family while I was in college.  

4. Do you dance in public? Why or why not?

Honestly, I occasionally will ...but my son gets all wiggy and embarrassed so I try to contain myself. However, I have been known to sing along to the music that's playing at the store or the bowling alley when it's a really good one.

5. What is your favorite kind of Chapstick/lip balm? 

Blistex

Picture Post :)

Me and my boy hanging out playing with the camera on my phone

The Wild Child got exactly what he asked for this year, a record player

The Wild Child also asked for a new Tablet...which (as you can see) he received

And of course what's a record player without records?

This is my new MOTO and I will be adding this photo somewhere permanently on this blog! Found this on Facebook and felt it was perfect for me!

2012 has arrived...........

Wow, another year has come and gone...I can't believe it!


In 2011 I realized that it was time for me to move forward. I began to feel better about life, about my past and about my future. I looked beyond where I was and saw what I could possibly become. I realized that I needed to do this for my son, because he needs a mother who is strong and can overcome. He needs a mother who is not stuck in the past, not stuck in her memories of living nightmares. I then realized that I was feeling less angry and that was a good thing.

2011 was  year of emotional growth and I owe it all to my wonderful Cousin Candy! I reconnected with Candy through Facebook and then we started texting and messaging a lot. Candy is the one who thought I was a weird kid....then she read my blog and started to understand why. We "talked" a lot and I found myself drawn to her whenever I was feeling a need for a friend. She became not just my cousin, but also a friend. I had always liked Candy, always thought she had the most beautiful smile, it was one you could see in her eyes as well as on her face. Candy, through her words, began to make me feel good about myself. I had heard from others what a strong person I am, but until I heard it from Candy, I don't think I ever truly believed it. I felt small and powerless (understandable I guess given my history) but she saw me as someone who was strong and amazing. She saw me as I had never seen myself and when I was feeling down, she brought me back up. I can only hope that I have been as much of a help to her as she has been to me.

2011 was a good year...thanks Candy for being a part of it!

In 2012 I plan to grow more, to move even further away from the life I lived. I also plan on using this year to show my son that hardship can be overcome. He's getting older now, turning into a man, and I think it's time that I can start being honest with him about a few things. Don't worry, I'm not going to give him all the details yet, I don't think he ever needs to know all the details, but some I think he'll be able to handle and maybe it will help him understand his mother a bit better.

A week or so ago,  the Wild Child was being punished for talking back. I had him sitting down for a few minutes to think about his words. He yelled at me that putting him in a time out at 11 was "Child Abuse" I'll admit it, I was hurt! My son, calling me a child abuser because I was putting him in a time out....yep I yelled! I know I shouldn't have, but I know child abuse and I know he doesn't and so that's exactly what I told him! I yelled that he had no idea what child abuse was and that he could call me every name in the book but he was never, EVER, to call me a child abuser!  He quieted down, apparently struck by my words and my tears. Yes, he could have called me an F****ing B**ch and it would not have stung as bad!

A few days later, he had obviously been thinking about that day because he asked me about my egg donor. He simply asked if she was truly all that bad. He wanted to know what she had done to me and why I felt that I was abused. I tried to keep it simple...she was so bad that the state came in and took us away from her. She was so bad, she wasn't allowed to raise us anymore. Being the inquisitive child that he is, he wanted details. I took a deep breath and told him a brief summary.....she yelled, she hit, she didn't feed us right or treat us right. He wanted to know more...like what? Why did she hit? Why did she yell? Why was it so bad considering people spank their kids and yell at kids all the time....what exactly made her so much worse than other parents? I realized that I was not going to get away with brief summaries or soft answers anymore, he was growing up and wanted to know more. So I told him a few things...like the fact that instead of a spanking I was struck with a leather belt, a metal yardstick, hairbrushes, anything she could get her hands on. He wanted to know how no one saw anything? Why didn't someone notice? I had no answer to that and I was honest about it. All I knew was that she was good at making sure she only hit where clothing would cover, never let a bruise be seen. He asked me if I ever worried that she would kill me...I was honest there too. Yes, I was worried every single day! Every morning when I woke up I tried to be quiet enough to not be noticed. I tried to get off to school as quickly as possible. All day at school I wondered and worried about what I would get into trouble for, what would get me hit today? I tried to think about any mistakes I might have made that she would notice....it was never a matter of IF i would be beat, it was more a question of when, why, and how bad would it be. I think he could tell I was growing uncomfortable...he let it go at that point. He changed the subject and life went on.

A day or so after that he asked about her again....something tells me he isn't going to stop asking questions any time soon.

I'm gonna have a very happy boy very soon

I can't say too much in case he reads this but come Christmas morning my little man is going to be so overwhelmed he might just explode!

At least that's what I hope happens cause we got him some pretty amazing gifts this year!

I am looking forward to laughter, smiles, and yes I will probably shed a few tears of joy too. This year is the first time in a very long time that Hubby and I have actually bought something for each other and didn't spend ALL our cash on the Wild Child. It's gonna be an awesome Christmas this year!

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas

Christmas has arrived in our house and my little boy is now a young man. He is growing like a weed, so fast in fact that even the pediatrician said ....

"HOLY GROWTH SPURT!!!"

the last time she saw him.  The Wild Child goes in every 4 months for a check up to make sure the ADHD medicine isn't messing with his growth or hurting his heart at all. This last visit, he had grown 2 1/2 inches and gained 10 pounds...in 4 months time! The pediatrician says that's not supposed to happen yet, he's supposed to wait until he's 13 or so. Of course this boy is one who has always taken his own path in life, he does not follow the curve of the norm. Never has and probably never will either. As I look at my boy, my young man, my heart skips a beat and pauses. This young man is my creation...yes my husband has helped to raise him and without his genes he wouldn't be here....but he is still my creation. I carried him for 41 weeks, I made sure I did everything possible to bring a healthy baby boy into this world. I held him in my arms, I provided his food for 19 months after he arrived. I showed him right from wrong. I have watched the tiny changes from tiny little baby to the young man that sits before me now. He is my creation and I feel proud.

When I am completely honest with myself, I never thought I could really pull this parenting thing off. I had such a strong desire to be a mother and to do a better job than my egg donor, but deep down inside I worried that I was going to screw it up. I was worried that somewhere hidden in the genetic makeup was a bad glitch that would rear its ugly head and make me mess up. I have watched other abused children grow up to repeat the cycle, I have seen the statistics, I knew I was swimming against the tide. I didn't know if I was strong enough to be a good parent but I had such a desire that I had to try. Looking at my young man sitting next to the Christmas tree, watching him help me hang ornaments and hope for Christmas presents. Listening to him sing and laugh and just talk about stuff that I don't even fully understand....it all warms my heart. I did good with this one, he was worth all the effort.

Don't get me wrong, I know my job is far from over and now that he is getting close to the teen years my job has multiplied and grown drastically. Much like his growth spurt, my job has expanded and now is even bigger. Now I face new challenges, new territory, places that I know nothing about because I have never been a teenage boy and have no clue what kind of stuff he is going through. I have had my hormonal changes, but it is not the same for a girl as it is for a boy. He goes through these anger phases where I went through crying phases. As a typical kid he is trying to stretch his wings and put distance between himself and his parents and it breaks my heart to watch it happen. I am not ready to let go, I am not ready to let him spread his wings and fly, yet again I am not sure I am truly ready for what life is dishing out.

I know I will overcome, I know in another 11 years I will look upon my son and smile with pride. I have faith in this fact. I believe that we will struggle along this path, that we will make a few mistakes, but in the end I feel deep down inside that I have built a solid foundation and that this young man I see now will be a great adult, someone I can look at and be proud of. I am certain that someday others will look at my son and say "His mother must be so proud of him." I believe in these facts, I believe them to be true even though they have not happened yet....and in my opinion, that is half the battle right there. Knowing, and believing in, your success before it has actually happened.....that is the key to success. If I can see the big picture, even if it's a little fuzzy, I know it will become clear in due time. The day that happens, the day where I can look back at this post and say "yep, I was right" that day will be a wonderful day. Until that day, I will look at the here and now...and right now this is what I see.....

I see a young man beside a Christmas tree dreaming of good things. Hoping he has been good enough to get all that he is dreaming of and truly desires. As I wrap presents and put them under the tree I know he is looking and analyzing the size of the packages and trying to figure out what they might be. Every kid does that right? I know he's waiting and hoping for a really big box to show up, hoping he'll get that one special present, the one that will just make his Christmas complete. I can't wait to watch his face as he opens these gifts that we have bought for him, I hope he likes them as much as I believe he will. I love this time of year because it brings out the kid in my kid and the kid in me. I never got to fully enjoy Christmas as a kid, my day to day existence was filled with fear and torture, not laughter and hopes and dreams. I enjoy watching my son have the Christmas' that I always dreamed of having....and that is my Christmas gift to myself.

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Not sure how much I will be updating in the coming weeks. As Christmas arrives life gets busier and I don't always get the chance to get on my blog. I hope everyone reading this blog has a wonderful holiday...whatever holiday you celebrate. In my house, we celebrate Christmas and so to you and yours...Merry Christmas ans Happy New Year!

Just some random thoughts

Recently I have had some titles come across my desk at work that have made me think.  These are religious based questions, and anyone who has read my blog knows that I often question the christian beliefs....well here are a few thoughts along those lines.

First there's the story of Christmas, I see and hear these people daily asking why people want to take Christ out of Christmas...well my question would be, "Why do you have to butt your Christ into our Christmas?" The traditional Christmas holiday had nothing to do with the birth of Christ. As a matter of fact, if you read the story in the bible and then compare it to the known weather patterns in that part of the world, it is impossible that Christ was born in the month of December! The flocks of sheep would not be out in the fields in the dead of night in the middle of December and the shepherds would not be sitting out there guarding them. But let's look at this story a little more. Christians want you to believe that this virgin girl was "touched" by God and became pregnant with his son...ok people we all know how babies are made so that narrows down to God raped an innocent 13 year old virgin to impregnate her with his child. A girl that was already vowed to marry another. Now Joseph, the poor sap, had no choice but to go ahead and marry the girl and make her an honorable woman so that she wasn't having a child out of wedlock. So Christians put all their beliefs and hopes into a child molester! But, he's not just a child molester, he's also a supporter of incest as well.

Now you might ask how I came to the conclusion that God supports incest? It's simple really....God created Adam and Eve right? They got together and had a bunch of children...well where do you think the rest of the population came from? Now it's entirely possible that Adam and Eve, much like the Duggar family had 3 football teams worth of kids, but eventually Eve's body would have said enough of this and stopped producing kids. The only logical way for the population of this planet to continue is for those children to get busy and make some of their own...that's called incest. Brothers and sisters are not supposed to get it on, it's just wrong and nasty....yet God supports it because he only created one man and one woman to procreate and populate the earth. If he didn't support it he would have created two men and two women so that they could have children and the genes wouldn't have to mix because there would be two separate families with different genetics.

Personally I think Christians are just looking for some hope, grasping for something to make life meaningful. So they created these stories and passed them down from generation to generation without thinking about how these stories actually sound when you look at them from the outside. They were so desperate to not let pagans have a holiday that they created this story of Christ being born on Christmas day, so sad, why single yourself out? Why not join in with society and go along with the festivities? If you don't want to party with the pagans then celebrate your god but don't go changing the story to say what you want it to be, just celebrate in your own circle of friends like the rest of us. Celebrate your god but don't change his birthday just to attempt to take away the original reason for the holiday...you're so selfish to do that and isn't selfishness wrong in your book?  When Christians hear stories about rape they pray, they say God will get you through this and they pray for justice. They pray that the rapist finds Christ and asks for forgiveness for his sins and that the victim be healed...why? Because God is a rapist himself, Jesus Christ is a child of rape and so they will understand. Of course God will forgive the rapist, he's one himself, he can totally relate. And Christ will of course heal the heart of the victim because he knows his mother was a victim too.  When these Christians hear about incest they are disgusted and call it an abomination, yet they don't see their own story of creation to be an abomination...why? I do not know!

These are just a couple of reasons why I struggle with this Christian belief system. I have been a victim and I don't think they are great stories to teach children. Why should a child worship a child molester? If God were to pull that crap today he would go to jail and once he got out he would be labeled a sex offender for the rest of his life. Maybe Christians need to rethink and keep their Christ out of my Christmas, I much prefer to celebrate the real reason for the season....love, family and our life together.

The joys of fall....

We live where there are lots and lots of trees and that means lots and lots of leaves. Today was week three of cleaning up leaves off the yard and moving them back into the woods so that our grass can grow nice come springtime. Lucky for me, I have this terrific little wild child who just so happens is at the perfect age to do yardwork. BUT he's also still at that perfectly playful age too so after all the leaves are piled up, and before he helps me lug them off into the woods, he gets to do things like this......

That was just one of the smaller piles of leaves, we had a few that were at least three times as big on the side yard and a couple other that were about the same as that one as well. But he got to run through the leaves, he got to have fun and laugh, and he totally enjoyed jumping off that swing into that pile over and over again. At one point he did ask me why I didn't join in, why I no longer jump in leaves and play too. Kinda got me to thinking that maybe I shouldn't worry about what the neighbors think and I too should just have some childish leaf fun....but then again I don't want the neighbors to think I've gone a bit loopy since turning 40. I did have fun watching him have fun and I laughed with him and enjoyed capturing the moment in my minds eye and on the camera. I'll look back on those with fondness in the future and I can only hope that someday, when he's all grown up, he'll come back and help with those leaves and maybe make some memories of his own as he watches his children play and laugh in the leaves. Then we'll share a whole different perspective of these memories and maybe then he'll understand that a parent doesn't have to actually play in the leaves to have fun, they just have to watch their children do it.

Grounded

This past week has been a very long one for the wild child and for myself....because he was grounded.  Long story short, he got caught texting some pretty bad language and a lesson needed to be learned. So he spent the entire week with no electronics except for the 30 minutes a day that was allowed to him. He had no cell phone time, no tv, no video games, nothing electronic at all for entertainment. For 30 minutes each day he could watch tv or play on his iPod, but no internet and no computer except for school work. Also no friends and he missed out on going to spend the weekend with his grandparents. He was pretty bored at first and then he started to use his imagination and found that life isn't so bad without electronic devices to entertain. He discovered old toys that he had stopped playing with and the joy of shooting hoops in the driveway. He learned to enjoy reading again to pass the time and learned just how much he enjoys his electronic toys. He learned a new appreciation for what he has and learned that mom isn't a pushover.

Today he got back his electronic devices, he is still without a phone for another week. I feel I still need to drive to home just how severe of an offense it was that he was texting with that kind of language. Regardless of what other children say in their texts, it is not, and never will be, ok for my child to speak or text in that way.  Mom is playing tough and the wild child is learning a valuable lesson.

Let me tell ya though, this week I have faced my biggest challenge ever....sticking to a punishment that I handed out! Quite often, because of his ADHD, I will give in early and let him have back what was taken away. I think that has actually taught him that mom is a softy and will give in quickly if he puts on his pouty face and apologizes nicely. I tend to go easier on him because I know he struggles with his impulse control with the ADHD and I don't think that has been a good lesson to teach. So now, now that he is older, I must be strong and hold out so that he can learn to control the impulses and be a good man. Now I must be strong and be a mom.....it really isn't easy!

Halloween, the happiest and scariest time of year. A time to be scared for the fun of it, a time for haunted scary houses and thoughts of dead people coming to suck your blood or eat your brains. Halloween is the one time of year where it's ok to be scared of everything.

When I was a kid, I was scared of everything every single day of my life. I was scared of getting the beating that I knew I would get. I was scared of the boogie man who was actually the sperm donor. I was scared of the dark, I was scared of the light. I spent every waking moment scared of something. On Halloween night we would dress up as scary things like ghosts or pretty things like fairy princess'. Then  we would grab a pillow case and our little orange box from school, the UNICEF box that we received every year at school. People would have bowls of candy and another of pennies to put into the UNICEF box. It was a tradition that we did every single year, we would take the box of pennies to school the next day and hand it in. The teachers would send the money off to help poor children who had no food to eat or the opportunity to get an education. Anyway, we would head out trick or treating....the egg donor often driving the car and letting us out here and there to run around through the streets pretending to be something we weren't begging for candy and pennies. 

Before walking out the door we were always warned "No funny rhymes like "Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat" and no eating the candy! We were warned not to touch a single piece, never open a wrapper, never eat anything given to us because someone might have put a razor blade in it and it would cut off our tongues and we would bleed to death and die! 

OH THE TEMPTATION!

As we rode in the back seat we would try to sneak candy into our pockets so that she wouldn't know. We knew what was going to happen once we got home, we knew that once we entered that house with that candy we would never see that candy again. See the egg donor had to "test" the candy to make sure it wasn't poisoned or that it didn't have razor blades in it. If it looked tampered with (aka it was a piece of candy she didn't like) then it was thrown into the trash. If it looked like it might be ok, she would take a bite to be sure and then she would have to be 100% so she would eat the rest. She would sit there and eat the candy in front of us, torturing us by eating our candy and not letting us have a single piece. Sometimes I would sneak to the trash barrel after she went to bed and steal pieces of candy out of it. I had a spot in the back of my bureau where I stashed my candy, in my underwear where she wouldn't look or find it.....and I knew my siblings wouldn't go there either. The candy was safe from all. 

Perhaps she meant well, trying to protect us from harm. Perhaps she really did, in some sick weird way, think she was doing the right thing. Perhaps she thought it was good to keep us feeling helpless and under her control...I really don't know. All I do know is that my son will never experience that kind of Halloween night! Oh he'll get to go out trick or treating with his pillowcase and zombie costume, but he won't carry that UNICEF box (because the schools don't do that here) and he will not have his mother eating all his candy in front of him. I do go through the candy looking for anything that might be tampered with, I am smart enough to know  that there are people out there who would find it funny to drug kids or whatever. So I check, anything that looks iffy I toss. I take one candy bar for myself and all the dark chocolate goes to Hubby because he's the only one in the house who will eat it. I put all the rest in a bucket and it gets given out one or two pieces at a time when earned. I do have to limit him, I just don't have to take it away. 

This year, as in years past, I look forward to carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, I look forward to going out with the boy as he trick or treats around the neighborhood, watching him be a child and gather candy from his neighbors. I look forward to hanging out with him afterward handing out candy to the stragglers and pumping up on sugar bombs. I don't really look forward to the sugar bomb battle (since it will be a school night he is going to need to go to bed at a descent hour regardless) and I don't look forward to the battle of the bulge as the candy sits in the house calling my name and teasing me lol. 

Personally, I think the egg donor, in her own way, thought she was doing right by us. I think she thought she was making good decisions regardless of how we felt about it. She could often be heard saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child". I guess she didn't want us to be spoiled, she just took it too far. I can now see these things because I have let the anger go, I have decided to not live in fear and to move forward in my life. For me, this is like the day after Halloween. I don't have to be scared anymore because the monster has been revealed as the sad and pathetic person she was. She's not so scary anymore, the sperm donor isn't even scary anymore, I now fully realize that the only way they can hurt me now is if I choose to allow them to haunt me. I am choosing to know in my heart that it's all just a memory.

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Happy Halloween Folks and please.....be safe out there. Have some fun trick or treating, going to parties, whatever you do to celebrate this fun holiday. Just be sure not to eat the candy in front of your kids.....cause that's just plain mean!

Life is what you make of it

I don't know who originally came up with that saying, but I used to hear it from my foster parents a lot and I never fully understood why they would say such a thing to me. First of all, how did I make that life? My life was not what I made of it because I had no choices that I could make on my own. I was just a kid. Even though I had been placed in foster care, I still felt helpless and like I was nothing but a victim of circumstance. I couldn't make anything of my life because the beginning was so horrible, so unimaginable, there was just no way for me to make any kind of decent life. Afterall, you can't make something from nothing....or can you?

As I grew older I began to realize that we all live an average of 75 to 80 years, that means we get to spend 3/4 of our lives trying to make something of ourselves, we get to make our lives. Once we become old enough to go out there in the world on our own we get to begin to make the choices that will determine who we are and what kind of life we will lead. We get to choose our destiny. We take what we have learned and we make our choices based on that, good or bad we make our lives from that point on. Our past, our upbringing will definitely influence our decisions but we get the final say and we make our own choices in the end. So what happens to those, who like myself, have grown up with nothing (or worse than nothing)? How do we make decisions that are good and wholesome and make for a good life? How do we take nothing and turn it into something?

My personal answer to that is I take that nothing and I do everything I can to make opposite decisions. Am I perfect? NO! I am far from perfect and sometimes I make a wrong decision in the heat of the moment. I will yell, I will lose my cool and say something mean and hurtful, I will copy what I learned out of instinct because I still have trouble controlling my emotions. I never hit, never physically follow the path that was taught to me. I do not lock my child in his room, I do not strike him except occasionally with my words. I know it's wrong, I know I need to control that urge to yell and call names, but it's not always easy. I struggle with this part every single day. My son has ADHD and ODD and he is a HUGE challenge most days of the week. I can't remember the last time we had an entire 24 hours where he didn't push my buttons to their limits. He's active, he's loud, he's defiant and challenges everything you say out of instinct. The ODD (Opposition Defiance Disorder) makes him want to challenge authority. The ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) give him impulse control issues along with the attention and hyperactivity issues. The impulse control makes it hard for him to control the defiance urges and therefore we battle a lot. It's not even the big things, it's the little things like taking  out the trash or recycling. It's things like taking a shower or doing his homework. Lots of times he will do all his homework except for one problem and he'll leave that one because it gives him that little bit of defiance. Of course then I have to fight him, I have to win and make him finish that homework or take out the trash because he needs to learn. It's hard to not become my egg donor with my words and lose my cool. I start yelling, I start raising my voice in frustration and then I lose my emotional control. In my frustration, I too lose my impulse control to a certain degree. So what's the difference between me and my egg donor? How am I so very different from her?

There are really two major differences between me and her....The obvious is I never strike my child. I maintain my control enough to know when to walk away and not allow that evil to grow inside me. If I have to I will tell my son to go to his room for a few minutes or to sit on the couch while I walk away and take a few deep breaths. I know when I am so frustrated that I have to separate myself from the situation. I can feel the darkness boiling up inside me, I know how easy it would be to strike the child down and make him comply, but I also know the cost of that compliance and I refuse to allow myself or my son to go down that road. I make the choice to do the right thing, to know my limits. Second, I feel majorly sorry for yelling and I immediately apologize for my poor choices. I show my son that I know I am not perfect, but I know how to make the right choice in the end. I know my faults and I am willing to admit to them. I show him that the stronger person admits their faults and does their best to fix them. I know I will never be perfect, I know I will forever make mistakes, but I will do my best to show my son that life is what we make of it, life is about the choices we make once we have the power to make those choices.

I know, I know, children can choose between right and wrong. Children can choose to be good people with their friends and family, and as parents it is our job to teach them which choices are the right ones to make. But in all reality, children do not have a ton of power over their choices and for many kids like my son, they're simply wired differently and it's even harder for them to make the right choices even when they are taught right from wrong. Their brains tell them one thing but their gut tells them to defy, to fight against authority, to stand up and be acknowledged  regardless of what may come. They do not comply, they do not simply do as they are told.  They need to be approached differently to get what you want and I am slowly learning how to get what I want without him realizing it. I still give direct orders here and there, he needs to learn to deal with life and fight that urge to defy authority, but he will not learn by constantly fighting. So I work hard to change my tactics, to explain his situation to him and help him understand why the battle is worth it in the end. It's hard for him to look into his future and see a good man that people want to have working for them and with them. It is hard for him to imagine what life could be like if he learns to control those urges to fight back. It was just as hard for me to look forward and see a life without abuse and I need to remember that when dealing with my boy. I need to remember that he is young and he doesn't understand the saying of life is what you make of it. I just need to work every day to help him make the choices in his future that will help him understand it when he's 40 like me.

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I wanted to take a moment to explain something about Thoughtful Thursdays. Lately I haven't been writing stories about specific events, I have been more about my thoughts in general. This is because I feel the events of my life have been just one horrible tale after another and it does no good to hash them over one by one. I feel that in doing so I am only prolonging my pain and I do not wish to do that any longer. I have come to the point in my life where I am ready to just have thoughts and not have to remember specific events in full detail. Life sucks and then you die....that's what I used to say. It's true to an extent but at the same time it's not. It can be that way if you let it, if you hold onto that pain and relive those memories over and over again. OR you can chose to make a change for yourself, for those you love, make a change for the better. My old saying needs a rewrite...Life sucks and then you heal!


Let the healing begin!

New look

I decided I needed a new look in here for the fall so I sat here at the computer with my Paint Shop Pro and created a new banner that would match this fallish background that I like. I love the fall, it's a beautiful time of year. Even though it is technically the beginning of an end, it's also a time of color and beauty. I feel that it shows that endings can be beautiful things that lead to new beginnings.

As I watch the leaves die and fall off the branches I am finding myself looking at it from a different perspective. As I heal from my past I am finding that a lot of things are taking on a new view and I kinda like it. This year fall resembles me....or maybe I resemble fall...I'm not sure but either way, this is how I see things.

In the fall we spend hours and hours looking at the beautiful colors amazed in their beauty even though they are dying. Then those leaves fall off the trees and we spend many more hours cleaning up the debris. We pile up those leaves and carrying them away to the edge of the woods where they can decay in a compost pile and return to the earth. By the end of fall everything is cold and frozen but the debris is cleared out of our lives.  We know that it's still there but we also know that now that we have cleared up those leaves the grass will be able to grow back in come springtime with a vibrancy and beauty that will bring us much happiness. There will be new growth of young leaves and the sun will shine once again.

As for me, I have watched my own life in amazement and awe. I survived a lot of crap, a lot of which I have put here in this blog. I have watched myself, like those leaves, change and turn into something beautiful. I shook my branches and knocked all the dead leaves off and then spent time piling them up and removing them from my life. Much like the old oak tree in the back yard, I still have some leaves that are hanging on trying not to fall but the majority have fallen to the ground. I have spent a lot of time piling those up and putting them away where they can decay and become the fertilizer of my future. I know they are there, sitting in the dark edges of my life, but they are no longer attached to me like they used to be. Occasionally I may go back to those edges and  scoop something up, but it will just be to fertilize and feed something beautiful. I will never be able to forget, these things in my life will never fully biodegrade, but they will remain and be the soil to live my life by. I will use them to make something beautiful, I will use them for something good. As the remaining leaves fall, as I am positive they will, I will put them in the pile with the others and let my new leaves grow in their place. I will someday be the mighty oak that stands tall and strong, surrounded by green grass and sunshine.