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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter

It's not a happy one here but I hope it is for everyone else. I found out last night that my Sissy is in the hospital in critical but stable condition in the ICU. W do not know all the details since she was a bit incoherent and very badly banged up so much they had to knock her out to assess her situation, but what we do know is that she flew out of a moving vehicle on the highway and then that jerk of a boyfriend of hers took off leaving her for dead in the middle of the road. He has since been arrested and is being held for leaving the scene until she comes to and can tell us what the hell happened.

She has a damaged spine but the cord is intact so it looks like she should be able to walk again after she heals. She had a lot of internal injuries but they have the bleeding under control and she is recovering. She does have a breathing tube helping her breath but she has been writing letters into her kids hands with her fingers so there is hope. It's going to be a long road of recovery for her. I am happy to say that all of her children have been by her side and they are staying strong. Their support will help her more than anything, I just hope she learns from this and the next time we all tell her someone is bad for her or dangerous that she will listen.



Saturday, April 7, 2012

Reflections


I've decided to make a change. Instead of doing Thoughtful Thursdays I will now be calling my posts about my past Reflections. I have been thinking about this for awhile now mainly because I seem to have a hard time getting on here on any specific day to post and because sometimes I just need to reflect and it doesn't always land on a Thursday lol So today, I will begin Reflections

I started out by creating a new graphic to go with my posts. At first I was going to go for a picture of me looking into a mirror but my reflection would be of me as a child...but then I changed my mind. I felt that although I am reflecting on my past, I am no longer seeing that sad little girl in the mirror. As I reflect on my past I am seeing more of me in the mirror, me as I am now and how I want to be. I no longer see the evil egg donor staring back at me, I now see me, just me. So I opted to just put the two photos side by side, when I did that I realized that I no longer tilt my head to the right, I now tilt to the left...funny I never noticed it before. Realizing that took me back...

I remember the egg donor used to take lots of pictures. She seemed to hate us so much, I never understood why she would want photos of us but she took them none the less. She also used to yell when I would tilt my head. She wanted my head to be straight, she wanted my shoulders back and not hunched, she wanted that perfect kid instead of the one she got stuck with. She would slap me upside the head to get me to straighten up, poke her finger between my shoulder blades to make me straighten my back. She would hit and poke where the camera would not be able to capture a bruise and no one would notice. No matter how hard she tried, I would always end up with that head tilt. Perhaps it's just something I did out of habit, perhaps it was pure defiance, I can not be sure. Whatever it was, whatever caused me to tilt my head, I find myself wondering why I switched from one side to the other. Perhaps it's because I look at the world differently now, from a different perspective. Perhaps it's just some weird coincidence and there's no meaning behind it at all. Perhaps I am looking for something that simply isn't there......but whatever the reason I am glad to see that my reflection has changed for the better.

I look at those two photos and I can't help but notice that there is more to them than just a girl that grew up. Those two people are complete opposites of each other. Yes, one is young and one is older (I refuse to call myself old even though when I was that age I would have considered 41 to be ancient) but there are deeper changes, deeper differences. That little girl is so sad that you can see it clearly all over her face. She isn't smiling, but the sadness runs deeper...you can see it in the eyes. Her heart, her spirit, her very soul is sad. If you look into those eyes you see hopelessness, sadness, someone living day to day with nothing to live for. She is a little girl lost, my heart breaks for her. That little girl had no idea that she would one day have a reflection like the one beside her. She never knew that she would be able to smile, that she would have hope for her future, that she could actually dream and that those dreams would come true. I wish I could go back in time and give her that tiny piece of hope, tell her to hang in there it's going to be okay in another 30 or so years. I wish I could give her a dream to hold tight to. It would have been nice to know that someday I would be happy, that someday I would be free of those walls that held all my nightmares whether asleep or awake. I look at that little girls face and I keep asking myself how no one else saw it? How could they not know that bad things were going on, that something must be wrong if a little girl could look so deeply sad, sad to her very soul. How could anyone not notice and if they did notice why didn't they do anything to help? Why do so many people keep this attitude of what happens behind closed doors is none of their business? Why do people think they should keep their mouths shut tight while something is clearly wrong? These are all questions that I am sure I will never know the answers to. I can't go back and help that little girl, I can't save her from the pain and I can't give her anything to hold onto to make it a little more bearable. All I can do is tell my story so that maybe, just maybe, someone else will read it and they will see that there is hope for the future and maybe my stories will help them to hold on just a little longer. Child abuse is  a horrible reality for way too many children, I hope that one day they too will be able to look in the mirror and find a reflection that is smiling back. I hope that one day, like me, that reflection will say "You're a survivor!"
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Have a great weekend, enjoy Easter with your family whether it's a religious holiday or a bunny egg hunting holiday. Take the time to look at your own reflection and look deep into your soul...I hope you find that your reflection smiles back.





Thursday, April 5, 2012

OK So I've been VERY neglectful...

I'm sorry!

It's been a crazy winter here in New England and we have spent pretty much every single weekend going snowboarding as a family. It has been wonderful watching The Wild Child learn to ride and perfecting his carves, I find it very satisfying to see him love something that his father and I love so very much. Even better, his self esteem is growing because of it and although it is an expensive sport his smile makes it all worth it!

So I figured I should update you on what's been going on. We have been to see the doctor for med checks with The Wild Child. He's doing wonderfully, growing like a weed actually. We go in every 4 months to make sure he is growing well, but she said that if his next check up shows the growth rate continuing at the pace it has been we can drop that back to once every 6 months instead. Since March of 2011 he has grown 9 inches in height and has returned to the 95+ % for his age! It is great to see that since he did drop down a little while he was on Adderall. Since switching to Concerta he has caught back up and is now back on his path to great heights. His weight also continues to go up and he is now sitting quite comfortably at the 50% mark...something we have been striving for, for a very long time. The Wild Child used to consistently be in the 10% for weight so when I see him maintain 50% I get excited!

As far as school goes, The Wild Child has done very well. His English teacher has recommended him for Advanced English for 7th grade and told both of us that he is by far the best writer in his class and that NONE can hold a candle to him! Nothing like hearing something like that to make a mama proud! The only thing holding him back is that he only writes what and when he likes, which doesn't always match what the teacher wants and needs. She told him he needs to put himself out there more and to be proud of his writing skills because he is simply amazing when he puts his mind to it. His social skills are still growing, this is something that most ADHD kids deal with on a regular basis. He has a small circle of friends that he hangs out with, but he is still shy and struggles to fit in. I had his 504 meeting as well to make sure his accommodations are still being met and we added that he needs to have a word processor for his MCAS exams.  Up until now he has had the word processor accommodation for the regular classroom work and for taking tests, the teacher recommended we add it in for MCAS simply because he does much better typing than he does with pencil and paper. Basically, when he has to use pencil and paper he'll write the minimum, if that. He will give you five sentences and hope it's enough details to get partial credit. When he is allowed to type, he will pull out a five paragraph paper with terrific details and composition. She believes that if he pays attention to the details and he is allowed to type, he could possibly pull off a perfect score on his MCAS exams...I hope she's right! His other subjects are going well also, except for Social Studies. He just gets so bored reading the text book that he gets distracted and does not remember all the material come test time. Plus it's his last class of the day and his medicine is starting to wear off so his distraction levels are much higher. We are working hard to pull that up from a C since I know he is NOT a C student! He just needs to study harder and work with me here at home to remember the material for his tests. I am sure that by the time June gets here he will have brought that grade up and will be an honor student!

At home the Wild Child is becoming a responsible young man. He assists with the cleaning,taking out the recycling and the trash as well. He feeds the animals and does pretty much anything I ask him to. We have continued to bowl together in the Adult/Youth league and the local bowling alley and he was recently asked to represent the bowling alley in the Massachusetts State Championships for the fourth year in a row. He has moved up in age group so he will now be bowling against 11 to 14 year old boys, it might be a little tougher on him because he is at the bottom of his age range. I think he'll do well in any case, besides, it's all about having fun.

As far as me, well, I'm healing. Spending time with my child and working hard to provide a memorable youth for him is all I want. I struggle with some things from the past still but I am moving beyond most of the crap. Sadly, I think the biggest thing that has changed me and made it a lot easier to move forward is the fact that my Sissy no longer talks to me. I miss her dearly and I do love her, but she has made her choices and there is nothing that can be done to change her mind. She went back to the man that, in her words, "Had a bad habit of bashing my head into the floor" She decided to get married to him and anyone who couldn't accept him was going to have to live without her in their lives. She said he was taking care of her and that she didn't need to get a job or anything because he was paying all her bills. Shortly after that her cell phone couldn't be paid for and so it was shut off. She has no computer so no way to get in touch with her. She has closed herself away from everyone, including her children, and chosen this man over all of us. Although it breaks my heart and makes me sad for her, she made her choice and I hope she survives. I have to say though, I have a much brighter view of my life and my future ever since we stopped talking. I honestly think she was bringing me down with her "woah is me, my life is so terrible" stories. She cries about her issues yet she creates those very issues by refusing to change or accept responsibility for her actions and decisions. She has all the classic symptoms of a serious mental disorder yet refuses to listen to anyone or get help. As a matter of fact, if you do try to help her or talk sense into her she'll just stop talking to you and go about her life like you're the bad guy and the idiot. Well I am done with my sister making me feel like I'm an idiot for caring and so I am moving on without her. I will get back to writing my Thoughtful Thursday posts this week and I will begin anew on my path to recovery and a wholesome life where I can learn to smile, be happy and allow myself to be loved.



Sunday, April 1, 2012

Thousand Word Post

My handsome boy!


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sorry, I kinda forgot

I know I promised these so here they are....me and me cousin Candy.



Saturday, February 18, 2012

video
We had a terrific vacation, I got to see my cousin and have lunch with her for my birthday and then we hit the slopes of Saddleback Maine for 4 days of riding and fun. Our final day of vacation we drove part of the way home and spent the night in a nice hotel with a pool and hot tub.



Saturday, February 4, 2012

Well she's made herself loud and clear....

My sister clearly wants nothing to do with me. She does not respond to my texts and then I began to understand.

Earlier this evening I thought I would check in on her Facebook wall only to find that I have been "unfriended" since I can check my feed and see the location of my visitors, I know she hasn't been here at all. So she clearly has decided that I am not important to her.

Life will go on

Friday, February 3, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday...

The day after tomorrow is my big day!

The day I drive up north for vacation

The day I get to see my totally awesome cousin

The day I turn 41

The day I decide my if my path will have my sister in it or will I turn and walk in a different direction.....

Is it weird that I have created a deadline for such a thing? I don't know. All I do know is that I am tired of trying so hard to be something special in her eyes. Don't get me wrong, I love my Sissy, she has saved my life in the past and I have spent years feeling I owed her something because of that. But now I think I may have been wrong in that line of thought.

Why should I owe her anything? Shouldn't she have saved my life anyway? If the tables were turned, wouldn't I have saved her life without expecting anything in return? Yes. I think I would have! If the tables were turned and she were my little sister, I would love her enough to do that without expecting even a thank you. I like to think that I would show interest in her life, I would want to talk to her about everyday stuff and not just call or text when I needed a sympathetic ear because someone beat me up.

I do, of course, realize that she is a middle child. She suffers from the "Jan Brady Syndrome" JBS causes one to seek extra attention because being a middle child makes you feel invisible, but seriously she is going to be 44 years old in March.....I think that means she should have grown up by now. She should, at the very least, know that if you ran away fearing for your life....you don't lie to everyone and go back 4 months later. She should understand that when people (aka me) shows concern that they aren't being jerks, they show concern because they love you. She should know by now that blood is thicker and you don't stop talking to your sister simply because she disagreed with your decisions. It's not like we were stuck in that world so long that she knew nothing else, she was 14 when we were placed into foster care. She had the same therapist as me so I am sure the first thing that lady would have taught her was that the way we were being raised was wrong. The abuse was wrong and that no one should be subject to that kind of life threatening violence.

Knowing all this and knowing that she will not text or talk to me until the day where she gets beat up again, it makes me sad.

I don't want to be sad anymore.

So, I will be here if she wants to talk, but I will not be holding my breath. I will not try to reach out to her any longer, I will simply move on. I will live my life as if she were an old high school friend, someone I used to know. I will continue to love her and hope that she is ok, but I will no longer try so hard to be a part of her life. If she doesn't want me there for everything, then she clearly just doesn't want me at all.

Thus the deadline....if she cares, if she wants me in her life other than when she's getting beat up by some jerk, she will text or speak to me. She will care enough to say hi or ask how I'm doing. She will remember my birthday and say more than a quick Happy Birthday on my Facebook wall. I know when you log into Facebook it will remind you who is having a birthday. So if I don't get some special words I will know that she logged on, saw it was my birthday, and then said the minimum. Personally, I think she owes me an apology for lying to me, she owes me the truth. Sadly, I don't think I'll get it.

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I hope everyone has a great weekend and a great week coming up. I might not be posting next week because we'll still be on our vacation, but I am going to try to get on to post pictures at the very least.

Remember, blood is important but if you don't show some give and take you might find yourself lost and alone the next time you need a friend.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Counting down the days...

What am I counting down to??...a few things

Number 1, My birthday! Come Sunday, at 10:10am, I will turn 41 years old. I will begin my 42nd year of life on this planet. It's time for me to make some New Year Resolutions....and here they are:

1. I will stop letting others walk all over me! I will no longer live in one way relationships regardless of who they are. Whether it be someone I know casually or someone related to me, I will not allow anyone to take advantage of my kind heart any more.....or at least I'm going to try. I am sick and tired of being the one people go to when they need someone to cry to but not being able to turn to them when my life gets rough. If I have had a bad day, bad week, bad month...I need someone I can go to just to complain, to vent and possibly to cry with. I need someone who will offer me support when I am weak and won't try to tell me how their life is so much worse than mine could ever be. I need people who come to me to share their happiness and their tears, not just their tears. I need give and take...and if that means my cousin and my husband are the only people I associate with on a regular basis, then so be it. I am just tired of feeling used.

2. I am going to work on being a better wife and supporter to my husband. Even when we are fighting it out I know deep inside that he loves me and he would never hurt me intentionally. He would never physically do anything to harm me and he would walk through fire if it meant that myself and my son would be safe and happy. He really would do anything for us and I know that I get a bit lazy about laundry and dusting and plenty of other things. As I have said before, he may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me! I truly believe that and I will be spending the next year working on making sure that no matter what is going on around us, he is going to know it.

3. I am going to be a better mother. I will be more patient, more kind, more understanding. I am going to work hard to make sure the door of communications stays open and that he knows I am here to talk about anything and everything. I will work on my discipline tactics so that I can stay more consistent since I know I give in way too much. I am currently reading a book about unspoiling your child and I am finding it to be helpful. I think coming from the life I came from, and my fear of falling into the trap of repeating the cycle, I actually ended up spoiling a bit. I am too soft, I know it, and as he gets closer to the teen years and he continues to change from boy to man, I know I need to nip some of his behavior before it gets out of hand. I love him enough to discipline him and be consistent.  

4. I am going to take some time for "me" and for "we" every single week. I will watch my shows, I will read a book, I will relax and concentrate on me. I will do this once a week because it's important. I will also make sure that once a week I take the same weekday off as my husband has off so that we can have some time together while the Wild Child is in school. One full day, every single week, where we get to be just we...again, I feel it's important. I am not just a mother and I am not just a wife. My husband and I are not just parents....we are people, we are a couple, and I feel it's important to spend one day every week remembering and realizing what it is that made us fall in love in the first place. May will be 21 years we have been together...that's a long time! I think part of the reason people end up in divorce situations is because they get so wrapped up in their jobs and their parenting that they kind of forget what they love about each other. They don't find the time to feel those butterflies anymore. I think couples become kind of like that book that you read over and over again because you loved it SO much, but then you put it on the shelf and although it's there you don't pull it out and read it as much anymore because there are so many other books and magazines sitting there as well. Once you pull that book off the shelf, dust off the cover and start reading, that's when you begin to ask yourself why you hadn't picked it up sooner because you love it so much. Divorce happens when you forget the book and it somehow gets lost somewhere. You look back years later and wonder what ever happened to that old book. Although you search and search, you just can't find it. You feel sad for your loss, and then begin to search for a new book to read and love. I don't want a new book, can't imagine myself ever reading another...and I don't want to ever feel like I lost it. So I'm going to make sure our book stays open on the coffee table where it can be read and cherished forever.


So...what else and I counting down to?  I'm counting down to my birthday snowboarding vacation!

Yep, Sunday, as I turn 41, I will be driving. I'll be on the road, heading for Maine to spend a week with my two favorite people (Hubby and The Wild Child) snowboarding! I totally can not wait!

Finally...I'm also counting down the days to seeing my cousin Candy! Candy just so happens lives in a town that we're driving through at lunchtime. So on Sunday morning I will tell my GPS exactly where we're having lunch and tell it to take me there. I'll send Candy a text letting her know what time we are due to arrive. Since I'll be driving I can't text on the road....BTW yes I love to do the driving when we go snowboarding! I look forward to having lunch with my favorite cousin :)

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Overall, I think this year is going to be a good year for me. I think it's going to get better and things are going to look brighter in my future. I am going to learn to stand tall and stand strong, to not allow myself to be emotionally used by others and to be the best wife and mother I can be.

And in case anyone was wondering...I have not heard from my sister except for a couple of comments that she has made in my direction in posts on facebook. I get the feeling that she doesn't want to tell me the truth because she knows I disagree with her decisions and since I don't agree with her I am useless to her. She thinks she is happy for now so she doesn't have a need for me. In a few months time, when she has gotten her head bashed into the wall again or she finds herself emotionally battered...that's when she'll need me....I just don't know if I'll still be there.



Friday, January 20, 2012

I know it's late....

But better late than never right?


So as I mentioned last week, I have been reflecting. I spent last week thinking about where I was, where I came from and how it effects me today. It was a rough week but I feel I came out on top. I don't like to stay in the past, it's not good there, it's dark and deep and leaves ya feeling like you need a shower. It was extra emotional for me because menopause was acting up and my hormones were all over the place, but I came through, once again, thanks to my cousin Candy! 

Honestly I think I would be lost without that girl in my life...she really knows the right things to say at the right time to make you laugh and feel better about everything. Sometimes I wonder how she can be a member of this family of ours cause she is pretty flipping AWESOME! Pretty soon...my birthday in fact, I am hopefully going to be seeing her face to face for the first time in over 20 years! The Hubby and Wild Child are taking me up to the tippy top of Maine for a snowboarding vacation for my birthday and we just so happen will be driving through her town around lunchtime....so we're gonna try to work it out so that we can meet for lunch...I TOTALLY can not wait! I'll get a picture of her and me together to post on here if she lets me...and I'm betting she'll let me since she actually reads this blog regularly :)

Onward to week two of my reflection....where am I now??

Right now I'm in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally. I have come to fully understand that I can not change my past, it is what it is. I have also come to finally understand that saying that everyone used to tell me "Life is what you make of it" and that's what I'm working on now. 

Life Is What You Make Of It.......so what have I made?? I have made a pretty good life I think, something I can be proud of (or at least most of it) I've made some mistakes that I'm not so proud of, but those moments, those mistakes, my husband and child have helped me through those. Those days when I was in the deepest pits of despair, where I thought life was never going to be the same or was just not worth living, those days my husband seemed to just know that I needed a hug and helped me through. I managed to somehow find a man that may not be perfect, but is perfect for me! There are days when I just feel BLAH and he'll see it. He'll ask what's wrong, I'll say nothing...he'll give me that look and ask again. He asks over and over until he gets the answer because he just knows that I'm trying to put on a brave face when I'm really hurting inside...and he does not like to see me hurting. Even The Wild Child is learning that a hug for mom will go a long ways and the best ones come out of the blue when they are least expected. My little man is growing up, and he's becoming a man that I feel so proud of that it brings tears to my eyes. When I want to know what kind of life I have made, I look into his eyes and I know. I made a good life and I like it here.

I have learned that when I need a more soft touch of emotion, when I need to vent about the things of the past or try to figure out things that are going on around me involving my old life, I turn to Candy more than anyone else. She listens, she talks and she brings a light to my dark path. Although my hubby and Wild Child are awesome at fixing the here and now, I don't like to take them back there. I don't like for them (especially the Wild Child) to see that dark world. They are my light at the end of my tunnel, Candy is my candle that sees me through...because Candy has been there and she knows our genes carry evil. She, like me, has had to work through family crap and since it's the same family...she gets it. She and I seem to have a similar view on moving forward and leaving the junk behind us. When I begin to wander off my path, she leads me back and reminds me to keep looking at the two lights at the end of my tunnel. Candy is my Cousin, My sister, and my Friend! I am very happy to have her back in my life :-)

Next week......Where Am I Going??


Monday, January 16, 2012

This is a test

Checking out the blog posting app that I just put on my cell phone. Now I can post from the computer or the phone when I'm on the go :-)

Some people just can't be helped.........

         WARNING: This post may seem cold hearted to some, if you are offended STOP READING! I need to get this off my chest!


          I think I'm going to give up, I can not stand to watch my efforts go to waste! I have tried to talk reason, I have tried to make her understand, but some people just can not be helped! Some people are just pathetic and sad and have warped views on the world. I have been lied to for the last time!

          I'm of course talking about my Sissy. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's my sister afterall, but this is the last straw! About 4 months ago she sent me a text that she was hiding out in her van, apparently the guy she was madly in love with had a bad habit of bashing her head off the floor. She had finally decided she needed to get out of there and go into hiding because she supposedly feared for her life. She left him, left her things at his house and went to live with a friend of hers in another state. They had been high school sweethearts and he was still madly in love with her so he of course took her in. She sent texts that she was so happy there, she was never ever leaving, she was where she belonged. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She texted that she was going to get a gun and learn how to shoot properly because she feared for her life still. Her ex had been sending her threatening messages on her phone, telling her she had made a huge mistake leaving him. She was so scared that she had her oldest boy go to the ex boyfriends house to collect her things that he had left out on the porch because she was too afraid to go back herself. Then the holidays came and she started to get depressed because her kids weren't texting her as much, they have their own lives and they never sent her a text without her sending one first. She complained that she hated the holidays because it only reminded her of how her family had fallen apart. I felt bad for her, but I had a lot of my own concerns as well. I had just lost my main source of income and I didn't know what I was going to do about paying bills and I was stressing Christmas presents and money. One day while cleaning, she found an engagement ring, her high school sweetheart was intending to propose on New Years Day. She freaked out big time! She told him she couldn't get married, it wasn't fair to him when she was so messed up. She continued to sink and wallow in her depression. Then the other day she decided she was leaving, she told me she was still madly in love with her ex. I tried to tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go back to him, tried to remind her of what he had done....she said he did it out of desperation, she called it a "crime of passion" She also said she wasn't going back to him, that she was smarter than that but that she still loved him and she couldn't help that. My gut told me she was lying. Then I found out she had definite plans to head back to Ohio, she said she needed to be near her kids, that they kept her grounded. She said she was staying with one of her "adopted" kids (in other words a friend of one of her kids) until she could get her own place.

Yesterday she left her high school sweetheart and all day I waited to hear that she had arrived safe and sound, when evening came and I had heard nothing I began to worry. I sent her texts asking if she was ok, no replies came. I contacted her high school sweetheart who informed me that she had sent word at 11:30 in the morning that she had arrived but he hadn't heard from her since. I sent a text to her daughter to see if she had heard from her...her daughter didn't even know she was moving back to Ohio. Her daughter tried to call the friend  she claimed she was staying with...the phone had been disconnected. I mentioned that I was worried she might have gone back to her ex and her daughter said she wouldn't have been that stupid. I messaged her other daughter on facebook and she had known that Sissy was thinking about moving back but didn't know it was definite. She too tried to contact her mother....and then sent me a message that Sissy was indeed with her ex!

Honestly I don't understand how she can do this. Of course her high school sweetheart tells me to just be happy that she's happy...I can't do that. She has lied to me and placed herself back into a dangerous situation. Her high school sweetheart says maybe he changed...over 4 months? I doubt it! People like that, guys who have habits of bashing their girlfriends heads into the floor...they don't change. And even if he did somehow change, it does not change the fact that she lied to me outright! She told me she was not going back to him, that she was staying with someone else. It's not like I could have stopped her...I may have disagreed but I really couldn't do anything to make her not go....yet she lied to me and then did the exact opposite of what she said she wasn't going to do. Honestly, I have been lied to by her for the last time..I shall not believe anything she says to me ever again without first seeing the proof. I can't believe someone who grew up in our world would CHOOSE to go and live in that situation! I have always said...I don't care how much I love a man or how much he loves me, if any man ever laid a hand on me I would be out. Even right now, if my husband laid a hand on me I would leave even though we have been together almost 21 years! There is NEVER an excuse to strike someone, there is never an excuse to bash a persons head into the floor. That's why domestic violence is against the law! If she wants to choose to live that life, she can do it without me...I'm all done. I will be here and talk to her but I will not sympathize the next time he beats the crap out of her and nearly kills her....and believe me there will be a next time!



Friday, January 13, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday


It's a hard life, coming from an abusive home and living in society trying to be all normal like. It's never easy to feel like you fully fit in with those smiling happy people who all  talk about their wonderful parents and siblings. There are many days that I truly wish I could of had a normal life too, a life where my biggest complaint is that my parents grounded me for staying out too late with my friends, a life where I got into trouble and my punishment was a time out. Yeah, I have my moments where I feel like having a pity party and wish I could just smack someone, fortunately those moments are becoming fewer and farther between.

It's this time of year where I find myself feeling it the most, the few weeks before my birthday. I tend to reflect more and think about where I was, where I am, and where I want to be. I'll spend this week thinking about where I was, where I came from, my horrible nightmare of an existence. I'll spend the following week thinking about where I am currently both mentally and emotionally. That week will be a good week I am sure, since I know I am in a better place than I was last year. The week of my actual birthday will be the week where I think about where I want to go and what changes I want to make before my next birthday. This is where I make my New Years Resolutions, I don't make them on January 1st, I make them on MY new year, my birthday.....it just makes better sense to me.

So this week...Where was I? Where did I come from?

I came from a really bad life...plain and simple. I grew up in a home where I was raped by my sperm donor, my evil older brother, my uncle and my egg donor's boyfriend....and I was beaten and abused by the egg donor as well. She even tried to kill me! I was constantly reminded by her and my siblings that I was supposed to be a little pill, I wasn't supposed to be born, I wasn't supposed to exist. I was the bane of their existence. My life was a living hell! It was the kind of life that most people don't even believe exists because they don't want to believe that there are those kind of people in this world, no one wants to believe that a child of 2 years old can be raped and they want to believe that maternal instinct prevents people from beating the children they give birth to.

I remember one year in high school, I think it was 9th grade but might have been 10th, where we were assigned a paper in English class. We had to write a speech and present it to the class, I don't remember what the full assignment was exactly but I remember the paper I wrote. I wrote about child abuse and I personalized it. I don't remember the exact words but it started like this:

"Imagine you're a two year old little girl and your daddy just came home from work. It's late at night and everyone else is asleep"

I told the class to close their eyes, then told them to imagine themselves as a 2 year old being raped by daddy, a 4 year old being raped by your brother, a 6 year old being raped by your uncle, a 10 year old being raped by your mothers boyfriend. I took that class into my world, I told them the details, the smell of cigarettes, the weight of the man you were supposed to trust crushing down on you to keep you quiet. I told them about the beatings at the hand of the woman who gave birth to me, her words echoed in their ears.  I took that class into my world.....then I said this line:

"You have just imagined my life"

I'll never forget their faces when I said that. There were students in that class who grew up with me, who knew me before I went into foster care. The same people who watched that nice lady with the long brown hair take me out of my classroom that next to last day of 5th grade. They had known me and thought me a weird kid. They had laughed at me and picked on me for being weird...and now they understood. Some looked shocked, some looked appalled, some had no expression and I wonder if maybe they too had suffered a similar fate. That speech was a HUGE step in my healing process, it was the first time I had fully disclosed my abuse to anyone other than the people directly involved in my case or my therapist. I recall standing at that podium literally trembling and on the verge of tears. A part of me was worried about what they would think, how those in the class would treat me afterward once we left the classroom. I recall my teacher whispering in my ear:

"That was really brave!"

and thinking that I didn't feel very brave at all. I felt small and scared, I was worried that maybe I had gone too far and maybe I shouldn't have done that, maybe I shouldn't have taken them into that world. The speech was meant to explain that 1 in ever 4 girls is sexually abused by the time they turn 18, 1 in every 9 boys is also sexually abused. The majority of those cases happen with someone the child knows and trusts. I wanted to make them aware that there was a good chance that the person sitting next to them could be suffering inside because of their life, I wanted to take their teenage blinders off and make them aware that bad things do happen and that's why we need to be sensitive to those around us. I wanted them to understand that they should think twice before laughing at the weird kid because that weird kid probably needs a friend more than they will ever know and that one friend can make a huge difference in their life. I wanted them to see that teenage bullying and cruel jokes aren't funny and that maybe they need to think twice the next time they spy that weirdo in the hall. I also wanted anyone in that class who might be getting abused (or who might have been a victim of abuse in the past) to know that they were not alone.

Now that I look back to that day, I think it really was pretty brave to do that. To stand in front of my peers in high school  and lay out my heart to them...it was either brave or crazy....or maybe it was a bit of both. I realize that it made people not only look at me differently but also my siblings, but at the time I felt it needed to be shared. I was tired of hiding who I was, tired of trying to put on a brave face every day and wear a fake smile. I wanted people to know me for who I was on the inside and how I got that way. I wanted them to understand, to see beyond the facade that myself and all abused kids put up. I felt it was important for them to hear because maybe in hearing it they would become more sensitive as they ventured out into the halls of our school and then out into the world outside our small town. I truly hope that I made a difference in at least one classmate, if I did, then it was totally worth it!



Wednesday, January 11, 2012

We Want To Know Wednesdays


1. What is your most commonly used word or phrase when you are frustrated?

My words depend on two things.....
1) Exactly how frustrated I am...the more frustration, the more naughty the word!
2) Is the kid within hearing distance?...If the boy can hear me, well I gotta keep it clean and use substitute words.

2. What random question do you usually get from strangers or casual acquaintances? 

"You can't deny him can you" Apparently my boy looks a lot like his Mama, especially when he wears his glasses


3. Did you ever correspond by mail with anyone, who? Do you still have the letters? 

Yes, I actually grew up in an age where e-mail was pretty much unheard of and that was the only way to communicate with people long distance without the long distance charges on your phone. I don't have any of the letters, but I used to send letters to my siblings, my friends, and my foster family while I was in college.  

4. Do you dance in public? Why or why not?

Honestly, I occasionally will ...but my son gets all wiggy and embarrassed so I try to contain myself. However, I have been known to sing along to the music that's playing at the store or the bowling alley when it's a really good one.

5. What is your favorite kind of Chapstick/lip balm? 

Blistex




Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Picture Post :)

Me and my boy hanging out playing with the camera on my phone
The Wild Child got exactly what he asked for this year, a record player
The Wild Child also asked for a new Tablet...which (as you can see) he received
And of course what's a record player without records?
This is my new MOTO and I will be adding this photo somewhere permanently on this blog! Found this on Facebook and felt it was perfect for me!




2012 has arrived...........


Wow, another year has come and gone...I can't believe it!


In 2011 I realized that it was time for me to move forward. I began to feel better about life, about my past and about my future. I looked beyond where I was and saw what I could possibly become. I realized that I needed to do this for my son, because he needs a mother who is strong and can overcome. He needs a mother who is not stuck in the past, not stuck in her memories of living nightmares. I then realized that I was feeling less angry and that was a good thing.

2011 was  year of emotional growth and I owe it all to my wonderful Cousin Candy! I reconnected with Candy through Facebook and then we started texting and messaging a lot. Candy is the one who thought I was a weird kid....then she read my blog and started to understand why. We "talked" a lot and I found myself drawn to her whenever I was feeling a need for a friend. She became not just my cousin, but also a friend. I had always liked Candy, always thought she had the most beautiful smile, it was one you could see in her eyes as well as on her face. Candy, through her words, began to make me feel good about myself. I had heard from others what a strong person I am, but until I heard it from Candy, I don't think I ever truly believed it. I felt small and powerless (understandable I guess given my history) but she saw me as someone who was strong and amazing. She saw me as I had never seen myself and when I was feeling down, she brought me back up. I can only hope that I have been as much of a help to her as she has been to me.

2011 was a good year...thanks Candy for being a part of it!

In 2012 I plan to grow more, to move even further away from the life I lived. I also plan on using this year to show my son that hardship can be overcome. He's getting older now, turning into a man, and I think it's time that I can start being honest with him about a few things. Don't worry, I'm not going to give him all the details yet, I don't think he ever needs to know all the details, but some I think he'll be able to handle and maybe it will help him understand his mother a bit better.

A week or so ago,  the Wild Child was being punished for talking back. I had him sitting down for a few minutes to think about his words. He yelled at me that putting him in a time out at 11 was "Child Abuse" I'll admit it, I was hurt! My son, calling me a child abuser because I was putting him in a time out....yep I yelled! I know I shouldn't have, but I know child abuse and I know he doesn't and so that's exactly what I told him! I yelled that he had no idea what child abuse was and that he could call me every name in the book but he was never, EVER, to call me a child abuser!  He quieted down, apparently struck by my words and my tears. Yes, he could have called me an F****ing B**ch and it would not have stung as bad!

A few days later, he had obviously been thinking about that day because he asked me about my egg donor. He simply asked if she was truly all that bad. He wanted to know what she had done to me and why I felt that I was abused. I tried to keep it simple...she was so bad that the state came in and took us away from her. She was so bad, she wasn't allowed to raise us anymore. Being the inquisitive child that he is, he wanted details. I took a deep breath and told him a brief summary.....she yelled, she hit, she didn't feed us right or treat us right. He wanted to know more...like what? Why did she hit? Why did she yell? Why was it so bad considering people spank their kids and yell at kids all the time....what exactly made her so much worse than other parents? I realized that I was not going to get away with brief summaries or soft answers anymore, he was growing up and wanted to know more. So I told him a few things...like the fact that instead of a spanking I was struck with a leather belt, a metal yardstick, hairbrushes, anything she could get her hands on. He wanted to know how no one saw anything? Why didn't someone notice? I had no answer to that and I was honest about it. All I knew was that she was good at making sure she only hit where clothing would cover, never let a bruise be seen. He asked me if I ever worried that she would kill me...I was honest there too. Yes, I was worried every single day! Every morning when I woke up I tried to be quiet enough to not be noticed. I tried to get off to school as quickly as possible. All day at school I wondered and worried about what I would get into trouble for, what would get me hit today? I tried to think about any mistakes I might have made that she would notice....it was never a matter of IF i would be beat, it was more a question of when, why, and how bad would it be. I think he could tell I was growing uncomfortable...he let it go at that point. He changed the subject and life went on.

A day or so after that he asked about her again....something tells me he isn't going to stop asking questions any time soon.