My Tickers

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

And he's off

Here he is, 1st day of preschool 7 years how times flies!

My little man starts 5th grade today!

I don't know how it happened, or where time went, but somehow my sweet baby boy is growing up and headed off to 5th grade where he'll have 3 different teachers (not counting phys. ed and music), he'll have to switch classrooms, and have to be responsible enough to make sure he gets all his homework assignments written down and collected. He's so nervous about this switching classes and nervous about this tick he's developed over the summer...worried that he might get picked on or not be liked by his teacher because he'll be disturbing the class with his noises. I'm hoping that he does ok, that he can somehow find a positive thing about returning to school. I'm hoping that he'll have a good attitude and be willing to work, willing to learn and willing to change for the better. I'm hoping that 5th grade is memorable for him and not in a bad way, I'm hoping he'll be strong and stand tall. I'm hoping that in another 6 hours, when I go pick him up, I'll find a happy boy, or at least a boy who doesn't think going to school is the worst kind of punishment on the planet.

From Blogger Pictures

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My baby is growing up

My baby isn't a baby anymore...he's a big boy!

I took him out back-to-school shopping and before we left I had him try on a pair of his size 12 pants in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't grown so much that I couldn't get away with them...NO SUCH LUCK!

The pants were about an inch too short so it was off to the store to buy new pants, shirts and school supplies. My baby is now in a size 14 pants...only problem is he does not have a size 14 butt! His legs fit the length great but he is so skinny that he just does not wear them well. He has to have the adjustable waist with the elastics pulled all the way out and STILL needs a belt! The pants want to fall right off him...and yes I bought the skinny jeans! Let me tell ya, it's not easy to find 14 slims with an adjustable waistband, I simply dread when I am going to have to move him up to 16's. He can't wear any kind of sweatpants that I can find because of the need for such a tiny waist with those long legs of his. Literally his butt is so tiny that he can still fit into his size 5 shorts! As for shirts..he is now in an XL because he has these really long arms that match his legs. His body isn't quite as long so his long sleeve shirts and hoodies hang low but he needs the longer arms...he often resembles Harry Potter in Dudley's clothes lol  I just can't believe how big he is, how tall he's getting...boy he's come a long ways since this photo when he was only 2 days old:

That day he was  21 1/4 inches tall, now he's 57 inches. He weighed  a whole 8 pounds (having lost a little since birth as is normal) now he weighs 68 pounds! My baby isn't a baby anymore!

From Blogger Pictures

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The time has come for change

OK laugh if you want but my son will be 10 years old in a little less than a month and he still sleeps in my bed.

I know, I know, he should have been in his own bed say 10 years ago but it's not so simple when you are me.

First of all, Orion was a every 2 hour around the clock nurser. This means that literally every 2 hours he woke up to nurse, he refused a bottle and would take nothing but the real thing. So being the kind of mom who wanted to do better than her egg donor and needed her sleep, I laid my son in bed with me, left the window open to his kitchen and slept wonderfully while he fended for himself. He didn't need help latching on, he didn't need help finding it, he was very capable of doing it himself and so I allowed it. I would briefly wake up when he would latch on, but I would fall back to sleep while he nursed and then he would fall back to sleep after me. He nursed for 19 wonderful months, and finally stopped on his own but by then he was rather used to sleeping in moms bed safely snuggled in between mom and dad. He would start out in his crib, but by his first birthday he was very capable of monkey climbing out and making his way across the hall to my room all on his own. He would just crawl in between us and go right back to sleep and so it became the routine. I needed my sleep, daddy needed his sleep so instead of fight with him we allowed it to happen. As the years went on, the pattern continued and then I started working nights and it only got worse. Orion wouldn't be asleep when daddy went to bed and since I would be working all night long daddy kind of liked having someone cuddle up with him and so Orion started going to bed with dad. I stopped working until 6am because it was making me sick not getting enough sleep and  Orion going to bed in our bed was such a routine it was allowed to continue. It was easier than fighting after a long day. By the end of the day, after having yelled at him all day for poor behavior it was just easier to finally be nice and let him settle down in our room.

And so it continued. Last year we bought him a brand new mattress of his choosing, we bought him brand new bedding of his choosing and we tried to get him to sleep in his own bed. He got sick with that H1N1 flu and all was lost as he ended up sleeping curled up with mom while she fought his outrageous fever and worried day and night because it was the flu that killed. Then I got it and didn't have the energy to fight with him and so he continued to sleep in my bed. All was lost....and so it continued.

Last night Orion was having some bad growing pains. He was thrashing his legs around and suddenly kneed me in the base of my skull. He kicked me in the kidneys and basically left me feeling his growing pains right along with him. Poor hubby got a good thrashing too and we have decided that it is time for the bed to go back to being a 2 person bed and for the boy to go across the hall to sleep on his own.

I know that this is a common problem with ADHD children, I have spoken with many other mothers who reluctantly admit they have this issue, 10 seems to be the age where the ties can be cut and the child can start truly sleeping in their own room all night long. I can only hope that I can figure out a way to make him comfortable and happy.


From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Some weeks are better than others, this week has been a long one to say the least. The more I struggle with Orion and his ADHD the more I find myself resenting the woman who gave birth to me. That woman was no help!

I find myself envious of those women who can call their mom when they need advice, those who can look back on their youth and remember how their mother handled a situation and reuse that idea as their own. I find myself wishing I had that and resenting that evil wench for not doing the right thing! Instead of teaching me, she beat me. Instead of guiding me, she locked me in a closet! Instead of helping me be a better person, she helped me be a bitter person.

I realize Orion can not control his ADHD, I realize it is not his fault that he loses his control and can't stay on task to save his life! I know in my heart that he doesn't mean to behave as badly as he does, but still it is not easy to handle. I find myself frustrated and wishing I could run away when he says or does mean things and then tells me I'm mean because I have to punish him. I find myself cringing when I think in my mind...he asks for it...because that's what my egg donor used to say about me when she would beat me. I know it's totally different, but it makes me very sad to think anything that she said when it comes to my child.


Today I had something thrown in my face....something hurtful although I know it wasn't meant that way. I was talking to someone about Orion and my struggles with his ADHD and the comment was "If he had a sibling or two then it would be a lot easier on everyone. He would learn from them how to behave." Well unfortunately, because of the scar tissue caused by the sexual abuse, I can not have anymore children. I can not afford adoption and I don't feel I would be a good candidate for foster care because I am still dealing with my own emotional scars. So I can not provide siblings to my child. My husband could, he could get a divorce and marry someone who isn't broken, but he chooses to stay with me because he loves me. So our child has no siblings. For the most part I have come to terms with that fact, I have had nearly 10 years to come to terms with it, but sadly when someone tries to blame my childs struggles on the fact that he doesn't have siblings and how they would be good for him, I want to scream. Inside my heart aches and I feel a bitterness toward the sperm donor that makes the bitterness towards the egg donor look nice. I want to kill him with my bare hands, I want to rip him limb from limb. I want to scream at the top of my lungs....I was the youngest of 7 children, I had planned on having at least 2 or 3 children of my own. I know the value of siblings and how well they teach you about life. I wanted that for my own children, but alas it was stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's times like these that makes me feel like the healing has only just begun because I feel so unbelievably angry and betrayed. I literally feel hatred...and trust me I know that's a harsh word but it's true...I HATE that man for the things he did to me. Older brother hurt me too, but he started in well after the sperm donor so I do not blame him, I am positive the damage had already been done by the evil one who decided to rape my tiny 2 year old body. Today I am angry and bitter because he stole something not only from me but also from my child...that's just not cool!


Some weeks are better than others, don't waste too much time being angry and bitter at those who have wronged you but also don't be afraid to feel it and then let it go. Hug your kids, give them what you can and be thankful they are in your lives. Finally remember that just because someone only has one child it's not always because they choose to only have one, sometimes they just don't have the option to choose. If you point that out to them you may hurt them without realizing it so please be careful what you say unless you know them really well!

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I've been talking recently about my son and his ADHD and how difficult it is to deal with. When we are having some of the toughest moments I can't help but ask myself...what would my egg donor have done if I behaved this way?  The scary part is that I can actually see in my mind, really truly picture it as if it happened, what she would have done and how she would have treated me....and it wouldn't have been pretty! Certainly wouldn't have been as nice as I am to my child, not as understanding, she would not have spoken in a soft voice, she would not have done everything in her power to remain calm. She would not have picked me up and put me into my bedroom because she feared becoming her own egg donor if she didn't remove me from her view for a few moments. Sadly, I do fear it, I do feel that evil snake inside me rearing its ugly head. I feel like Harry Potter, in the Order of The Phoenix book, when he first starts going inside Voldemorts head. I feel like I could strike, I could hurt, I want to make this out of control child stop screaming at me calling me names, telling me how much he hates me and detests me. I feel worse and worse by the minute as he tells me I am the meanest mother on the planet, in the universe and that he wishes he could go into foster care so he could have nice parents. It breaks my heart, but deep inside, just like Harry, I know that he doesn't mean it, that I could never hurt him but I fear that  so deeply that I need to walk away from him. Like Harry I fear the Voldemort inside me, the Voldemort that is my egg donor.

LMAO at the sudden realization that I make a lot of  Voldemort references when it comes to my egg donor!

I hate her for the fact that she makes me feel this way, I hate that when I get into those tense moments with my child that I fear becoming her. I fear losing my control. As he yells at me that I am the meanest mother on the planet I find myself yelling back "You don't know what mean is!" and I am grateful that it's true.


I have found my at a crossroads lately and I don't know what to do. Recently my son has asked me to share with him some of the details of my life. In the past, whenever he asked about my egg donor or my sperm donor, I told him I didn't like to talk about them. I have always just told him that they were not nice people. When he has asked why I ended up in foster care I have always just said that it was because they were not nice people, I have never told him how not nice they were. Although he begs for me to tell him about them, he wants to know details and I don't know at what point it's ok to give them. When is it ok to explain to your child just just how not nice someone can be? Is it EVER ok?  Sometimes I think it would do him some good, show him how I am truly NOT the meanest mother on the planet, but I don't want to taint his image of me in doing so. How would he feel about me if he knew that I had been beaten daily, locked in closets, denied food or water because of a simple infraction of the rules? Would he see me as a strong person, someone to look up to, or would he pity me and see me as someone frail? I know what image I would like for him to see, I would prefer he see me as a strong person who survived a living nightmare. Someone powerful who can overcome hardship. I want him to want to be that strong, to overcome his ADHD like I eventually overcame the abuse. I want him to see his ADHD as the challenge he has to fight against and see me as someone he can try to be like in order to win the fight in the end.   BUT I  just don't know if I should ever put those images in his sweet little head! There is a part of me that says that he has a right to answers and perhaps if I told him some of the minor details he would be happy and he would maybe appreciate me more. Perhaps he would realize how very nice I truly am once he hears about someone who is truly mean.  I hate denying him the answers he craves because I feel like I'm lying to him by just saying they were mean...because they weren't just mean they were down right evil! Honestly I know I will never tell him about the sexual abuse, no worries there. I draw the line on that subject, but the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, I sometimes wonder if maybe it would be ok to give him SOME details.

Here is our usual scenario, we just had one the other day.
        Orion had gone to the bathroom and was in there for quite awhile. After he finally came out I asked if everything was ok and he said fine. I was concerned only because he had been in there so long and because he was not medicated that day. What I found when I went in there was that he had taken my small pair of scissors out of the medicine cabinet and cut some small slits in the towels. I called him in and asked him to explain, I gave him the chance to tell me what had happened to my towels. He put on his shocked face and asks "How did that happen?" I reminded him that I had recently showered and the holes weren't there before and he had just been locked in the bathroom for 20 minutes and there was no one else in the house. He tried to lie and say he was trying to open the package for the bum wipes and accidentally fell, cutting the towels. Well I explained how that wasn't logical either. In the end he was sorry and I know it was because of the lack of medication, but then he asked the question..."What would your mother had done if you did this?" 

Now mind you, my punishment was to give him needle and thread and teach him how to repair the cuts in the towels. That was all, I sewed one hole while he copied my motions and sewed up the other 2 holes. Although he fussed that he was no good at it, that he couldn't do it, I made him sit on the couch with me and learn to do it. I made him sew the towels back together. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't hit him or hurt him in any way shape or form. I simply taught him how to repair the damage he had done with kindness and patience. This surprised him and so he wanted to know how I would have been treated if I had done something like that and all I could say was "It certainly wouldn't be just sewing this back, it would have been far worse." I could not tell him what would have happened, I just knew that it would not have been the punishment I had come up with. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do...maybe I should have given him a story, maybe I should have used that opportunity to show my child a small window of my youth...but I still don't know if he's old enough. In these situations I find myself feeling more like Dumbledore and Orion is Harry...I just feel he is not old enough, he is too young to worry his mind with such things. But because I have read the stories so many times I know that in the end Dumbledore realizes he was wrong in hiding the truth and that Harry would have been able to handle it afterall.  So I ask myself should I ever explain about Voldemort and if so when??


Have a great weekend. Everyone has a ghost or two in their closets, some are just bigger than others. 

From Blogger Pictures

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bowling on a sprained ankle...not my best plan

So Orion and I bowl in an adult/youth league together, this is our 4th summer of doing this and we really enjoy our Wednesday nights at the bowling alley. Last week, however, I rolled my ankle while helping Orion get his dirtbike out of the garage and sprained it, unfortunately it's my left ankle which is the weight bearing foot. I didn't want to miss out on bowling and neither did Orion so we opted to go even though I am limping around and in a fair amount of pain.

I've always said sprains hurt worse than breaks and honestly it's very true...and tonight after 3 strings of bowling on this ankle I am reminded of this fact!

Although I bowled fairly well considering, I did not get my average and my ankle is now throbbing in pain :( I think tomorrow I'll find myself sitting on the couch icing it and relaxing rather than doing my house cleaning.

From Blogger Pictures

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Orion had a med check today

We just got home and I have to say I feel so much better about things after having seen the doctor. We go in every 4 months for his check-up to be sure he is gaining weight and growing on an ok path. We can't have him lose weight and we can't see any stunting in growth or he has to change meds....the meds can make these things difficult. They also can damage the heart since it is a stimulant so we have to have his blood pressure and heart checked regularly.

Today he weighed in 3 pounds heavier than 4 months not only did he gain back the 1 pound he had lost previously but he gained the desired 2 pounds on top of it. The goal for December to to get him to 70 pounds....2 pounds in 4 months time. It will be harder since he will be going back to school soon which means he will go back onto the routine of taking his meds  on a regular basis and not have so many days off, but I think we can handle it. He also grew another 1/2 inch in height! Overall Mom is very happy with the progress we made in that department.

We also discussed with the doctor the mood swings and depression that he has coming off the medication and what I was told is that we first and foremost must look at the benefits vs. the side effects...which one wins?? The benefit is that Orion can control himself, he becomes a normal young man who is not out of control. He holds his tongue, he's respectful and kind, he's helpful and basically everything you hope your child would be on a daily basis. He does well when he's in school, gets good grades and has friends who will play with him, people who will seek him out and ask him to join them in their games. He's a well rounded youth well on his way to becoming a solid, well rounded adult. The side effects are that he has these mood swings when the medicine starts to wear off, he has trouble deciding what to do, loses interest in his usual activities, becomes moody and irritable and down-right onry. He "snuffles" throughout the day, sometimes loudly, and that can be a bit irritating to those around him. But which is better? Are those benefits worth the side effects? The doctor feels they are and I have to agree. He feels that these side effects have been worse over the summer mainly because of the fact that we did not have him on anything resembling a schedule at all this summer and that constant change makes it so his body can't get used to the medicine. He feels if we just get him onto a routine and we stick to that routine then the side effects will lessen or possibly even go away completely!  We are going to try a good solid month of routine and if we don't see any changes and these side effects become too bothersome then we will talk about making a change in dosage or medicine. For now we just deal, the doctor said to finish out our summer however we want and when the school year starts get him back onto a routine and then stick with it.

Overall I am satisfied with what I had to hear. It is comforting to know that the snuffling isn't a sinus problem, not allergies or anything like that, it's simply a tic that is caused by the meds being whacked out and not on any sort of routine. The doctor feels once we get him on a routine, he will stop snuffling so much. We might also be able to teach him to control it to an extent where he can maybe not the noise so loudly. I'm going to research it some and see what I can do to help him in that department.

From Blogger Pictures

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Here we are again, it's been an entire week since we said good-bye to our beloved Sparky and I must say Orion is dealing much better now. It was a long week and it seems that every advertisement for cat products has a cat on it that looks just like him, but we made it through and are now settled into life with only 4 cats once again. The other animals have been more loving and forlorn, I am sure they miss their friend as much as we do (if not even more) but the biggest thing we've noticed is no on will sit on his perch. The perch in the windowsill remains empty and unused. I guess it's their way of showing respect and thy will most likely start using it in due time.

My memories about my youth have been quiet as of late, it seems Sparky getting sick and dying put a damper on that, but I do still find myself thinking occasionally about it and wondering how I would be if I had been raised differently. Would I be a better parent, would I be the emotional and sensitive person I am today? Would I have perhaps been the kid in the hallway laughing at the less fortunate, taunting and teasing them for being different? Honestly I would like to think that no, I wouldn't. Perhaps I wouldn't be as sensitive as I am, perhaps not as overly emotional as I tend to be, but I would like to believe that I would still be the good person who befriends the less fortunate and gives them a smile when no one else would. I would like to believe that I would still be a kind hearted person who looked for the best in everyone and sought to make others happy. I can only hope that my kindness is not some weird result of years of neglect and abuse. I do believe I would find some parenting decisions easier if I had been shown the right way to parent, if I had a better example set for me, but I do feel I am doing a pretty good job given the circumstances. I try to make gut decisions and I have learned to ask for help and advice when I feel clueless. Sissy has been a wonderful help of late and having had 3 tough boys (and 2 girls) she has some pretty creative ideas on parenting and discipline. She has dealt with the ADHD boy and so it is to her that I turn to when I need a helping hand. At least the egg donor provided me with a sibling who is not only older but is also smart and wise and has a good head on her shoulders. It also doesn't hurt that we can get along and she's willing to talk to me despite the fact that I call the egg donor just that...the egg donor. Older sister #2 thinks that is wrong, that I should give that anger and resentment to god and be healed inside so that I can forgive and move on. I feel she doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I have moved on anyway. I refuse to forget so that I can always know what not to be and I refuse to forgive....again she doesn't deserve it. I have mentioned before my feelings on you already know that I am not so sure that he is this all powerful being who knows everything that's going on and as planned everything out. Honestly if some all powerful god PLANNED for me to be raped and beaten, planned that childhood for me, then he's an asshole and I certainly don't want to spend eternity with him! What a friggin jerkish thing that is to do to a plan that kind of life for them, wow he's a really nice guy NOT! Don't even get into the bit about him being merciful...hell I begged and pleaded with that unknown god to help me out, to get me out of there, to save us from that life yet day after day, night after night, we continued to live a nightmare all because that merciful god had planned it. Nope, sorry, just can't bring myself to believe in that or to hand my pain over to him.


Today I also wanted to share a happy memory since I have so few. It's kinda vague, but it's there and I love this memory all the same. Every time we have a big thunderstorm I remember it and it makes me smile. When I was a little girl we always looked forward to a summer thunderstorm, as the rain poured heavily down we would run and grab a bottle of beer and race to the nearest rain gutter. We would get our heads good and wet and then pour the beer over our heads and scrub it in like shampoo, then rinse it out in the gutter. I can still hear our laughter as we fought to get the best part of the roof (just off the corner of the porch on the right hand side) where there would be the biggest amount of water falling. It was so much fun taking our beer showers, and our hair was always so silky and smooth afterward.  Those were the times when I almost felt normal, the times when, even though we were wasting good beer, we were not yelled at or beaten for it. For some reason the egg donor allowed this behavior and occasionally would even laugh with us...although she never joined in on the fun. She almost seemed like a mother at those times, those rare moments that I can remember without an ache in my heart.


I mentioned the other day that I was thinking of changing up my blog, I've decided that at least for now I'm gonna leave it as is. I don't think I have the discipline to post on 2 separate blogs and I'm not really sure my life is truly interesting enough anyway lol As for Orion's meds, well that's still up in the air and it's mainly because I'm not entirely sure he's actually feeling that way. When I mentioned to him about changing up his meds he said that the adderral doesn't really make it so he can't have fun it's just that he doesn't like taking it. A couple days after that he said he just doesn't want to change meds because he's afraid of worse side effects and  the uncertainty of how a different med would work. I hate the idea of him being depressed and forlorn because of his meds but now I'm not sure that it is the meds. I guess I will have to have the doctor talk to him and see if the doctor can get an honest answer out of him and maybe give him some reassurance that a different medicine may not be as bad as he's anticipating. I know that kids often change meds, I know that quite often people go through 5 or 6 different ones until they find the one that works best for their child, but Orion doesn't get that and doesn't want worse side effects. Unfortunately that could happen and there is no way to know what will happen until we try. I just don't know what to do and feel lost in this matter. I wish I had a magic 8 ball so I could ask it what to do, I wish I knew all the answers, I wish I could just wave a wand and make everything better...but I can't so I will trudge onward in hopes of tripping over the right answers sooner or later.


Ok peoples, that's it for this week. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend and finds a way to make some happy memories for their children. No matter what kind of parent you are, whether ytou are the tough parent, the soft parent or even the inbetween parent, make sure your children hear you laugh so that when they grow up they will have something special to remember forever!

From Blogger Pictures

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Thinking of making a change

Today I was thinking about making a change, I'm still debating it and am not sure if I will or not. I was thinking of actually splitting the b log and having 2 separate blogs instead of just this one. One would be titled something like "I'm a Survivor" or something a little more creative, but it would be for the sole purpose of talking about my child abuse survival and my healing process. The second blog would be titled something along the lines of
"Confessions of an ADHD Mom" and be for the purpose of talking about this life that I live currently. Honestly I just don't know if I have the ability to post on two separate blogs lol I'll think on it some more and make a decision at some point, but for now I will keep posting about both worlds in this one blog.

Speaking of both worlds, my life as an ADHD mom has been difficult this past week. With the cat situation I had plenty of reasons to be extra irritable and short with my words. I'm not the type of person to hide my feelings well, not even for my child. I tend to carry my heart on my sleeve so to speak and I do not have a poker face. I believe in expressing my feelings and letting them show. I didn't want to do that this past week since I felt I had to be strong for the boy, but that made it harder for me to hold my tongue and I did a lot of snipping at him and he seemed to know exactly what buttons to push. I didn't medicate him most days, and that in itself is a problem. He hates taking the meds and says it makes him feel like he can't have any fun, I don't know what that means exactly but when he does take the meds he often will just wander around like he's lost, claiming he can't think of anything to do and he doesn't enjoy even playing a video game. It's almost like he's depressed or something. Besides the point that when he's on the meds he doesn't eat much of anything. So I have been having him go without the meds so he can have fun, eat food and gain some weight. He is a much happier boy without the meds, but he can't even begin to concentrate or do the right thing even when he's without. He constantly does things he's not supposed to, bouncing on the couch, running around, chasing the cats and being loud and obnoxious. He swears worse than a truck driver without meds too and then when I discipline him he says he didn't do it. He doesn't even know he's misbehaving! It's exasperating, it's frustrating, and by the end of the day I am exhausted!  I'm tired of yelling at him all day every single day and I just don't know what to do. Do I change his meds or do I just continue to fight with him all the time...I just don't know!  Any suggestions?????

From Blogger Pictures