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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Here we are again, it's been an entire week since we said good-bye to our beloved Sparky and I must say Orion is dealing much better now. It was a long week and it seems that every advertisement for cat products has a cat on it that looks just like him, but we made it through and are now settled into life with only 4 cats once again. The other animals have been more loving and forlorn, I am sure they miss their friend as much as we do (if not even more) but the biggest thing we've noticed is no on will sit on his perch. The perch in the windowsill remains empty and unused. I guess it's their way of showing respect and thy will most likely start using it in due time.

My memories about my youth have been quiet as of late, it seems Sparky getting sick and dying put a damper on that, but I do still find myself thinking occasionally about it and wondering how I would be if I had been raised differently. Would I be a better parent, would I be the emotional and sensitive person I am today? Would I have perhaps been the kid in the hallway laughing at the less fortunate, taunting and teasing them for being different? Honestly I would like to think that no, I wouldn't. Perhaps I wouldn't be as sensitive as I am, perhaps not as overly emotional as I tend to be, but I would like to believe that I would still be the good person who befriends the less fortunate and gives them a smile when no one else would. I would like to believe that I would still be a kind hearted person who looked for the best in everyone and sought to make others happy. I can only hope that my kindness is not some weird result of years of neglect and abuse. I do believe I would find some parenting decisions easier if I had been shown the right way to parent, if I had a better example set for me, but I do feel I am doing a pretty good job given the circumstances. I try to make gut decisions and I have learned to ask for help and advice when I feel clueless. Sissy has been a wonderful help of late and having had 3 tough boys (and 2 girls) she has some pretty creative ideas on parenting and discipline. She has dealt with the ADHD boy and so it is to her that I turn to when I need a helping hand. At least the egg donor provided me with a sibling who is not only older but is also smart and wise and has a good head on her shoulders. It also doesn't hurt that we can get along and she's willing to talk to me despite the fact that I call the egg donor just that...the egg donor. Older sister #2 thinks that is wrong, that I should give that anger and resentment to god and be healed inside so that I can forgive and move on. I feel she doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I have moved on anyway. I refuse to forget so that I can always know what not to be and I refuse to forgive....again she doesn't deserve it. I have mentioned before my feelings on you already know that I am not so sure that he is this all powerful being who knows everything that's going on and as planned everything out. Honestly if some all powerful god PLANNED for me to be raped and beaten, planned that childhood for me, then he's an asshole and I certainly don't want to spend eternity with him! What a friggin jerkish thing that is to do to a plan that kind of life for them, wow he's a really nice guy NOT! Don't even get into the bit about him being merciful...hell I begged and pleaded with that unknown god to help me out, to get me out of there, to save us from that life yet day after day, night after night, we continued to live a nightmare all because that merciful god had planned it. Nope, sorry, just can't bring myself to believe in that or to hand my pain over to him.


Today I also wanted to share a happy memory since I have so few. It's kinda vague, but it's there and I love this memory all the same. Every time we have a big thunderstorm I remember it and it makes me smile. When I was a little girl we always looked forward to a summer thunderstorm, as the rain poured heavily down we would run and grab a bottle of beer and race to the nearest rain gutter. We would get our heads good and wet and then pour the beer over our heads and scrub it in like shampoo, then rinse it out in the gutter. I can still hear our laughter as we fought to get the best part of the roof (just off the corner of the porch on the right hand side) where there would be the biggest amount of water falling. It was so much fun taking our beer showers, and our hair was always so silky and smooth afterward.  Those were the times when I almost felt normal, the times when, even though we were wasting good beer, we were not yelled at or beaten for it. For some reason the egg donor allowed this behavior and occasionally would even laugh with us...although she never joined in on the fun. She almost seemed like a mother at those times, those rare moments that I can remember without an ache in my heart.


I mentioned the other day that I was thinking of changing up my blog, I've decided that at least for now I'm gonna leave it as is. I don't think I have the discipline to post on 2 separate blogs and I'm not really sure my life is truly interesting enough anyway lol As for Orion's meds, well that's still up in the air and it's mainly because I'm not entirely sure he's actually feeling that way. When I mentioned to him about changing up his meds he said that the adderral doesn't really make it so he can't have fun it's just that he doesn't like taking it. A couple days after that he said he just doesn't want to change meds because he's afraid of worse side effects and  the uncertainty of how a different med would work. I hate the idea of him being depressed and forlorn because of his meds but now I'm not sure that it is the meds. I guess I will have to have the doctor talk to him and see if the doctor can get an honest answer out of him and maybe give him some reassurance that a different medicine may not be as bad as he's anticipating. I know that kids often change meds, I know that quite often people go through 5 or 6 different ones until they find the one that works best for their child, but Orion doesn't get that and doesn't want worse side effects. Unfortunately that could happen and there is no way to know what will happen until we try. I just don't know what to do and feel lost in this matter. I wish I had a magic 8 ball so I could ask it what to do, I wish I knew all the answers, I wish I could just wave a wand and make everything better...but I can't so I will trudge onward in hopes of tripping over the right answers sooner or later.


Ok peoples, that's it for this week. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend and finds a way to make some happy memories for their children. No matter what kind of parent you are, whether ytou are the tough parent, the soft parent or even the inbetween parent, make sure your children hear you laugh so that when they grow up they will have something special to remember forever!

From Blogger Pictures

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