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Thursday, December 30, 2010

 I decided to start my New Years Resolution today so that I can end this year with my first change :)  Thoughtful Thursday, a day to stop and think, a day to get all the dirt out of the carpets and empty the septic tank of my life. Sounds pretty nasty right?? Well it life that was very, very nasty! 


This past holiday made me remember a time when I was young and should have been care free, unfortunately my evil egg donor made it full of care and worry and stress. My hair was so thin, constantly falling out, now I think I know why. For one, I was a hair puller. I would sit and just pluck the strands of hair out of my head. I wouldn't think about it, I would just do it. It was a nervous habit, probably the beginnings of being a cutter, I just didn't know that yet. I remember taking safety pins and pinning them through the skin of my fingers...why would I do such a thing?? I have no idea except that the evil egg donor made me want to control something. As an adult I can see now what I could not see then, I can see that if I had remained there, if I had not ended up in foster care I probably would have become a cutter. I probably would have done more to myself in order to be able to control the pain inflicted upon me. Beatings were a daily thing, like going to the bathroom. You knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of what time of day she would feel the urge and how much she had held in. Was this going to be one of those days where it was a simple backhand across the room or the day where she grabbed the leather belt or metal yard stick and beat you until you couldn't even feel it was a mystery that you could be sure would be solved before the sun had set. 

She was the type of woman you feared, but you learned to out maneuver if you could. You learned her she couldn't run because she had short stubby legs and she was fat! She couldn't climb a tree and she couldn't climb to the garage roof. You learned to use these to your advantage, get out as fast as possible, get up the tree and sit there waiting for her to realize she wasn't getting you down and then go away. I was the cat and she was the dog, when I came down I would catch hell but for the moment I was safe and maybe, just maybe she would forget why or just how mad she really was and the beating would be less severe. It rarely happened, but I had to live with that hope! I was a desperate child!

Here is an example of my desperation I have never shared!

I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, it was a warm summer day and I was tired from haven been beaten. I had not learned the words to the song the egg donor wanted me to learn and I had received her wrath for my disrespect. I went outside to try to learn the song, I knew that I always memorized better while swinging on the swing, so I walked across the drive to that old swing hanging off the old green boards off the side of the house. I sat there swinging in the swing, wishing I could grow wings and just fly off that swing and to some far away place. In front of me was our huge driveway and in front of that was a clear view of the street. Occasionally a car would drive by and I remember thinking I wish one of those people would kidnap me and take me away from here. Then up on the hill I saw a big mac truck coming. I remembered how the egg donor had told me that truckers were bad people who would steal you if you were too close to the road when they drove by so I ran to the edge of the yard as he approached the corner. There on the corner was a lilac bush, beautiful and full of delicious smells. I ran just past it to where that truck would stop to make his turn......and then I dropped my pants and I took off my shirt and I thought surely he will want me just like my daddy does, this will make him take me away for sure.  I waved my precious parts to him, I tried to flag him down, I flaunted and flirted as best as I could, but the man just looked and then drove away. 

I began to do this on a regular basis, every new truck was a new opportunity. But alas, no pediphiles happened upon my corner except the sperm donor and evil brother #2. Ok, so it's actually a good thing they never happened along or I probably would be dusty bones in a ditch somewhere instead of typing this out right now, but seriously at the time, that is how desperate I was. To stand naked on the corner trying to get a truck drivers attention, how sad and pathetic I must have looked. Why didn't the neighbors say anything? Why didn't they ask questions? Why didn't they say to themselves that something was seriously wrong in a home where a child of 5 will stand on the corner and parade naked for truck drivers? So many why's and so few answers....the story of my life!


And so I will wrap up this weeks issue of Thoughtful Thursday because my son is home on school vacation and he got some really great Christmas presents that I want to play with hehe I also need to get out food shopping before the New Year and today is a great day to do that. 

Happy 2011 to all my blog readers and to anyone who happens upon this post! I hope I have helped someone today and if not, at least I have helped myself, which is the whole point of Thoughtful Thursdays. Enjoy your family and friends and remember, it's not a good idea to dance naked in the streets, you might catch a cold lol

New Years Resolutions.....

Every year all around the world people make New Years Resolutions. In general, I am not among them because my thinking has always been "why disappoint myself?" I tried making resolutions but they never seemed to work out and I would end up feeling like I had failed myself. I stopped making resolutions and laughed at those who made them. I would watch people say things like "I'm going to lose that baby weight" or "I'm going to be a better person" or "I'm going to save more money" but then they would just continue with the same habits they always had and never succeed in changing. 

Perhaps I hang out around a lot of under achievers, or perhaps I just know a lot of losers. Possibly, I just don't know a lot of people who have the will power to change. Whatever the situation, their failures have always fed my resolve to not resolve. They have always given me a reason to say "see that, it's just not worth making a resolution".

However, this year, I think I might just try again. This year I want to help my son see that no matter how old we are we can make changes for the better, that we should all take responsibility for our previous actions and that we should change the things that aren't showing us to be the best people we can be. I want to show him, that I can set an example and work hard to achieve a goal, that I can structure myself and my life to reach a goal. Perhaps if I can do that, then he can follow my lead and change too. Perhaps he can find it in himself to fight the tough fight and be the person he wants to be. I might fail at my task but if I try and my son follows my lead in trying then I will not be a complete failure, I will have succeeded in something. And so I will try, for him, so that he can see that change is possible.

So in 2011 I will strive to achieve the following:

1. I will become a better parent by teaching my son he is capable of living without me. By this I mean that I will help him less so that he can do more for himself. I will let him try and fail until he gets there instead of just helping him or doing it for him to make his life easier. Although it will be hard to watch him struggle through some tasks, it will benefit him in the end when he learns that he really doesn't need me to do as much for him as he thinks he does. I will strive to be a more patient mother, not yelling when he makes a mistake or messes something up. I will take a deep breath when he pushes my buttons so that he can relax and learn that mom is a loving mom and not so angry all the time.  I believe this will be my hardest task of the year!

2. I will complete my studies and obtain my certificate to be a Medical Administrative Assistant. I am almost through this course, the medical terminology has been hard for me to learn and I have struggled in the memorization of all this. I was never very good at these kinds of things, but I want to make more money than I do currently and it seemed the only way to do that was to get out into the work force again. Of course in order to do that, after being out of the work force for 11 years, was to get some kind of education. I started the course in June of this past year and I want to be done with it by June of this coming year so I can start looking for work and making some "real" money.

3. I will be a better wife to my husband. By this I mean that I will work harder to please him and make his life a more comfortable one. He works so hard for us, gives up his days off to make extra money, hurts his hands and body in order to provide for us, the least I can do is try to clean more, do more and be his sounding board when he needs me to be one. Sometimes I'm not the best at listening to his grumblings, sometimes I forget that he's not attacking me but is merely venting his frustrations, sometimes I forget that I am not his victim and I take things the wrong way...I know I need to stop doing that. He is not my "evil egg donor" and he will never strike me down regardless of what I do or say.

4. (a lead off of the last resolution) I will learn to not live in fear. When I stop to look at myself, I have come to realize that many of my actions and reactions are based on irrational fears. Even though he has NEVER given me reason to believe he would harm me, I fear my husband. I know that my own ADD makes me forget to do things I say I will do, I forget to get stuff done and then run out of time in my day. I fear him coming home because the child inside me remembers when the evil egg donor would come home from work and beat me for forgetting a chore I was supposed to do. The child in me remembers a lot, is still remembering things all the time and that child needs to be comforted and taught that it no longer needs to fear the people around her.

5. Finally, I WILL post my Thoughtful Thursday posts! I have slacked off as of late and I notice a difference in my everyday thought process. I see myself holding onto the pain, letting it sit there and swell up inside me and I don't release it. Hubby doesn't like to hear about my childhood, he sees no reason to sit and recall the details of that horrid life I once lived. I don't want to burden him with memories that he doesn't want to hear about and so I will type it out, I will let it go and I will move on. Every week seems to bring about a new memory, something that happened so long ago. I see my son doing something and I suddenly remember doing that myself and my egg donors reaction. If I don't write it out I begin to feel the anger growing inside me. Before long the anger is just sitting there waiting to lash out at the first person to cross me....which unfortunately tends to be my son. I can not let HER mess with my parenting! I refuse to allow her to invade my sons life any in order to complete goal number one of being a better parent, I must succeed with this goal!

So those are my resolutions for 2011, I hope this year I find a way to succeed!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

So sorry, I have been neglecting posting again but the holidays came and went so fast I can't believe it!
Christmas 2010:
The days leading up to Christmas were awesome! Orion tried so hard to be good and I found this great text message thing where you could have Santa Clause send a message of your choosing to your childs cell phone. So on Christmas Eve Eve Orion received a text from Santa telling him that he was going to try to bring that Nintendo 64 that he had asked for because he knew that Orion was trying very hard to be a good boy. Orions friend was over and was amazed when Orion received a text from the big man himself! Orion had been very worried that Santa might not have gotten his letter in time to special order a Nintendo 64 for him so it really helped him calm down about it and enjoy himself a bit.
On Christmas Eve morning, as is our tradition, Orion got to open one present. He opened a fun hotwheels toy that is a snap together truck/snowmobile. It actually has 25 different configurations and can be mad into anything from a big wheel truck to a racing snowmobile. He had a lot of fun with that for the day and it kept him well entertained. We baked sugar cookies and frosted with homemade frosting. Shortly before bedtime Orion took 2 benedryl since he knew he would have trouble getting to sleep. I read "Twas The Night Before Christmas" and "How The Grinch Stole Christmas". We put out cookies and milk and a little note for Santa from Orion. Orion snuggled under the blankets and by 11pm he was finally sound asleep (An AMAZING thing!) I stayed up and greeted Santa so that he didn't set off the house alarm or the big 96 pound black lab lol 
Christmas morning, 5am, the little man is wide awake begging to go open presents. I made him stay in bed long enough for me to take the dog out to the bathroom and set up my video camera. He came out with wonder in his eyes and a smile on his face, Santa had obviously come since he had a stocking that was full to the rim complete with a snowy leopard stuffed animal ;) He opened Santa's presents first and sure enough he got that Nintendo 64 he had asked for, some chocolate, a couple of really bouncy balls with glitter inside, his usual bunch of hot wheel cars, a DS game, a dvd, and a couple other small items. Then he started in on the "Mom and Dad" gifts
Mom was sneaky this year, I made him open all the littler things first, I saved the big money items for the very last. He opened Mind Flex, his DVD's, his video games to go with the systems he currently has. Then we gave him his new PSP with Little Big Planet and a movie. Next came his new 7" portable dvd player that he had requested. Finally I handed him his last present, it was small and squishy and he opened the paper to find a 3 pack of underwear! He held it up to the video camera with this look on his face that was priceless! It was awesome because he didn't realize that inside those underwear was a 32 G i-pod touch! He tosses the underwear away completely disgusted and asks why he got underwear so I had to tell him to look a little further and not to judge every present by it's wrappings. He went nuts when he found the i-pod touch and said it was the best joke ever! It was my idea...score 1 for Mom!

After playing with our presents for awhile, we went over to my in-laws house where Orion received a wii from his grandparents...spoiled rotten kid that he is lol Orion, on a whim, asks if he can spend the night with his grandparents and we said sure. Hubby and I went home to enjoy a quiet kid free Christmas night.
1:30am my phone is ringing. My heart is racing as I frantically wake up and run for the phone. Orion was homesick and realized he really would rather be home playing with his Christmas presents instead of at his grandparents house without them. NOT FUNNY kiddo, calling mom at 1:30 am only leads me to picture blood or death or both! He wanted to ask me to pick him up nice and early the next morning...little bugger. I picked him up at 11am.


As you can see I have changed my background to something more fitting the conditions outside. The day after Christmas brought us a wonderful blizzard of snow! Everything is white and cold outside, just what winter is supposed to be. The blizzard messed up our driving plans to get up to NH to go snowboarding, so we'll go this coming weekend instead once everything is nicely groomed and the roads are again safe to drive on. Now I just need to fix my siggy tag to'll probably take me awhile since I need to work and make up for all the time lost while I was sick. Orion will go back to school next week and hubby will be off at work and I'll be able to relax and do some messing around with my paint shop pro.  I hope to have at least 1 more post before the years ends, but just in case:


Monday, December 20, 2010

What can I do? H still believes

So I thought that by now Orion would have been told by kids at school that Santa Clause is really his parents, I thought this year would be the year of him asking a lot of questions and losing that little piece of childhood. Amazingly he has not lost that belief. What he wants for Christmas more than anything else in the entire world is a Nintendo 64 console. Yes, my son loves the vintage video games systems and this is the one that will fill his collection. It's also the only thing he asked Santa for this year. My husband did not want to spend the money on it, he was totally against getting him an old system for Christmas, my line of thought was that this might be the last year for him to believe and I could not let that belief I got him the system and it will be here soon. Then the other day Orion and I were talking about Santa and Orion was wondering what kind of stuffed animal Santa was going to bring him this year. You see, every year Santa has topped the stocking with a stuffed animal and knowing that the boy still believed I wanted to buy a stuffed animal for the stocking but hubby said no way. It's too babyish and that we had to stop buying him baby things. I tried to protest, but hubby put his foot down, no stuffed animals this year. But my boy believes and he is looking forward to the stuffed animal that Santa is going to bring. I tried saying things like "Don't you think Santa might realize that you are 10 years old now and that you might not want a stuffed animal since it is kind of a little kid kind of toy?" The boy replies, "No, I think Santa will know that I love my stuffed animals and look forward to them every year." Guess what mom went out and bought against hubby's best protests......Yep I bought a stuffed animal and it will be topping his stocking on Christmas morning. If my boy expects Santa to bring him a stuffed animal then a stuffed animal he will get!

Other thoughts, well not a lot right now. I'm just getting over being horribly sick with some kind of cold or flu. Orion seems to be coming down with it but he is fighting it. The hubby will probably come down with it for Christmas since that's Murphy's Law.  I'm still not 100% but definitely doing better. I can't wait to get out snowboarding again and be back on the mountain. It will be fun to watch Orion get back out there and learn to progress some more. I am looking forward to a good season on the slopes as long as I can get healthy enough to actually get out there lol.

If I don't get back on here before the holiday, I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a Wonderful New Years!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I know I've been neglectful

but I have a good excuse...honest I do lol
The boy has been growing up right before my eyes!

Somehow he went from sweet beautiful baby boy 

to  big boy

to surly teenager


I know it's only been a little over 10 years since he was born, but I after I took that photo yesterday I wanted to cry. He's still sweet faced when he wants to be, or should I say when he wants something, but for the most part there is no more sweet faced baby boy left in my child. He's looking more like a man than ever and although I can see the little boy hiding in the background he's very quickly fading away.

Suddenly my little man is texting with girls and hanging with girls and mom is embarrassing if she calls him "sweetie" in front of those girls. If I dare kiss his cheek or hug him, that look up there is the look I get, the look of a surly teenager, all moody and grown up.

My baby isn't a baby anymore and as I grow closer and closer to 40 I realize that my son isn't the only one getting older. Unfortunately the more he looks like a man and the closer I get to my 40th, the more it all seems to be speeding up. Suddenly I am reevaluating my whole world, what I think, what I feel, how I feel about life when I was his age. My world is speeding up again and I am desperately searching for the brakes because I really need it to slow down.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Can't avoid it any longer

Apparently the wild child is the only kid in 5th grade that doesn't have his own cell phone and he really really needs one and he really really wants one.

And mom is a really really big sap

So the wild child will be getting a cell phone for Christmas!

His very own cell phone with QWERTY keyboard

Mom is now officially scared lol BUT Mom is also smart and knows when she has a bargaining tool! Oh yeah....bring on the good behavior cause Mama is gonna use that cell phone for all it's worth!