Every year all around the world people make New Years Resolutions. In general, I am not among them because my thinking has always been "why disappoint myself?" I tried making resolutions but they never seemed to work out and I would end up feeling like I had failed myself. I stopped making resolutions and laughed at those who made them. I would watch people say things like "I'm going to lose that baby weight" or "I'm going to be a better person" or "I'm going to save more money" but then they would just continue with the same habits they always had and never succeed in changing.
Perhaps I hang out around a lot of under achievers, or perhaps I just know a lot of losers. Possibly, I just don't know a lot of people who have the will power to change. Whatever the situation, their failures have always fed my resolve to not resolve. They have always given me a reason to say "see that, it's just not worth making a resolution".
However, this year, I think I might just try again. This year I want to help my son see that no matter how old we are we can make changes for the better, that we should all take responsibility for our previous actions and that we should change the things that aren't showing us to be the best people we can be. I want to show him, that I can set an example and work hard to achieve a goal, that I can structure myself and my life to reach a goal. Perhaps if I can do that, then he can follow my lead and change too. Perhaps he can find it in himself to fight the tough fight and be the person he wants to be. I might fail at my task but if I try and my son follows my lead in trying then I will not be a complete failure, I will have succeeded in something. And so I will try, for him, so that he can see that change is possible.
So in 2011 I will strive to achieve the following:
1. I will become a better parent by teaching my son he is capable of living without me. By this I mean that I will help him less so that he can do more for himself. I will let him try and fail until he gets there instead of just helping him or doing it for him to make his life easier. Although it will be hard to watch him struggle through some tasks, it will benefit him in the end when he learns that he really doesn't need me to do as much for him as he thinks he does. I will strive to be a more patient mother, not yelling when he makes a mistake or messes something up. I will take a deep breath when he pushes my buttons so that he can relax and learn that mom is a loving mom and not so angry all the time. I believe this will be my hardest task of the year!
2. I will complete my studies and obtain my certificate to be a Medical Administrative Assistant. I am almost through this course, the medical terminology has been hard for me to learn and I have struggled in the memorization of all this. I was never very good at these kinds of things, but I want to make more money than I do currently and it seemed the only way to do that was to get out into the work force again. Of course in order to do that, after being out of the work force for 11 years, was to get some kind of education. I started the course in June of this past year and I want to be done with it by June of this coming year so I can start looking for work and making some "real" money.
3. I will be a better wife to my husband. By this I mean that I will work harder to please him and make his life a more comfortable one. He works so hard for us, gives up his days off to make extra money, hurts his hands and body in order to provide for us, the least I can do is try to clean more, do more and be his sounding board when he needs me to be one. Sometimes I'm not the best at listening to his grumblings, sometimes I forget that he's not attacking me but is merely venting his frustrations, sometimes I forget that I am not his victim and I take things the wrong way...I know I need to stop doing that. He is not my "evil egg donor" and he will never strike me down regardless of what I do or say.
4. (a lead off of the last resolution) I will learn to not live in fear. When I stop to look at myself, I have come to realize that many of my actions and reactions are based on irrational fears. Even though he has NEVER given me reason to believe he would harm me, I fear my husband. I know that my own ADD makes me forget to do things I say I will do, I forget to get stuff done and then run out of time in my day. I fear him coming home because the child inside me remembers when the evil egg donor would come home from work and beat me for forgetting a chore I was supposed to do. The child in me remembers a lot, is still remembering things all the time and that child needs to be comforted and taught that it no longer needs to fear the people around her.
5. Finally, I WILL post my Thoughtful Thursday posts! I have slacked off as of late and I notice a difference in my everyday thought process. I see myself holding onto the pain, letting it sit there and swell up inside me and I don't release it. Hubby doesn't like to hear about my childhood, he sees no reason to sit and recall the details of that horrid life I once lived. I don't want to burden him with memories that he doesn't want to hear about and so I will type it out, I will let it go and I will move on. Every week seems to bring about a new memory, something that happened so long ago. I see my son doing something and I suddenly remember doing that myself and my egg donors reaction. If I don't write it out I begin to feel the anger growing inside me. Before long the anger is just sitting there waiting to lash out at the first person to cross me....which unfortunately tends to be my son. I can not let HER mess with my parenting! I refuse to allow her to invade my sons life any further...so in order to complete goal number one of being a better parent, I must succeed with this goal!
So those are my resolutions for 2011, I hope this year I find a way to succeed!