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Saturday, February 19, 2011

So neglectful

But don't say I didn't warn ya lol I told you at the beginning of the year that I can't seem to keep a resolution and sure enough here I am over 2 weeks late on a Thoughtful Thursday and no blog posts in like forever!  So sorry's an update.....

We went snowboarding for my birthday! It was great, we pulled Orion out of school at noon time on the Friday before my birthday and headed up to New Hampshire. We got up there only to find out that Orion had packed his swimming shirt but NOT his swimming trunks. We searched and searched and did I mention searched, for swimming trunks! After almost 2 hours of going from store to store, we finally found a pair at Old Navy! Even Walmart didn't have any!  Anyway, we finally get back to the hotel, have a good swim (or should I say Orion swam and I soaked in the hot tub) then back to our room to relax for the evening.

Saturday was my birthday, we got to the mountain only to discover that Orion had forgotten the liners for his mitts so we had to buy him a new pair of snowboarding mitts because wearing just the shell would have been horribly cold for him. It was a perfect day though and Orion was literally carving top to bottom and gaining speed. He's got the skill down, now it's all practice! It was amazing to watch him really getting it and not wanting to take a break or anything, he just wanted to keep going back up again and again and again!  We had an amazing day of riding together as a family and headed back to the hotel at the end of the day exhausted and happy. I enjoyed soaking in the hot tub again and Orion and Dad played in the pool and then soaked in the hot tub with me. The boys took me out to Chili's for a birthday dinner and then back to the hotel for more pool time for Orion. I just sat on the sidelines reading my kindle.

Sunday morning we woke up to find that it had rained over night and it was all icy and cold outside. We opted to drive up to the mountain but after just one run we realized it was not good conditions. It was all frozen and icky cold and wet and just not fun. We packed our bags and headed home early. We got home to find that the rain here at home had caused the stuff on the roof to be exceptionally heavy and we were afraid it was going to cave in so we spent the afternoon shoveling snow off the roof while Orion got to go play at his friends house.

Last week was a week of working hard for me, making money and trying to catch up on much needed housework that I had been neglecting. Of course by the time the end of the week got here I was coughing and had a sore throat and a low grade fever. Still not feeling good now but plugging away and hopefully I'll be feeling much better real soon.

Meanwhile, this weekend the next door neighbors grandkids are up from Maryland and Orion loves to hang out with them so he is well entertained and I get to get some much needed rest during the day.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

So here we are, another Thursday. I had debated not even writing a Thoughtful Thursday post today but I decided it would be in my best interest to just do it. See in a few days I'm turning 40...yep the big 4 0! I figure what better time to set a few things straight and get this crap off my mind!

As I find myself approaching 40 I can't help but remember back to past birthdays and what a disappointment most of them were. I never even had a birthday party until I was 12 years old in foster care and since my Big Bro #3 was born just 4 days before me, generally I never even got to celebrate on my was always on his. I remember being so jealous and upset that he got to celebrate on his special day but mine was barely recognized because everyone had already wished me my happy birthday days before it happened. That's why, when I went into foster care and my foster mother planned my very first ever birthday party I was elated! My day, my own day and I didn't have to share it with anyone! It was AWESOME!

This is me that day with my best friend of the time Angel, I know the photo got messed up and all, but the memory of that day keeps that photo looking great in my eyes. This was taken outside the ice skating rink where my foster mother took us after we had cake and stuff.

 And this is the whole group of friends she had invited. My foster mother invited kids that were in my school that she knew because I didn't know too many and I was exceptionally shy and if it had been left up to me I probably would of invited maybe 2 people LOL In the back row is my friend Angel and Dori, the next row down is a girl named Heather, then Lisa, Missy and Leslie. In front is me with a smurf on my head..NO COMMENTS ON THE SMURF! It was 1983 ok! and next to me is a girl named I can remember everyones names...that's how special that day was!
The gold hats had been bought by my foster mother along with all the tootsie pops.  I was so happy to have my own party and not have to share with Big first HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

But before that birthday there had been many unhappy birthdays, no presents, maybe a cake if I was lucky. The one thing I could count on was my birthday beating, everyone called it a birthday spanking but it was not fun, it was not good and it was something I would never do to my child. You got one hit for every year of your life and then one to start you out for the next to grow on they called it, I hated and dreaded the birthday spankings. I would get chased around by the entire family until I was caught, then I would be forcefully held down  so that I couldn't get away. They would all take turns "spanking" me, making sure they used the most force they could. I would cry and cry and cry and I often had trouble sitting down afterward.  My bottom would be so red and so sore that I couldn't sit down or lie on my back without pain. It was glad my family isn't around me now that I'm turning 40!

One thing I do remember quite clearly though....I remember thinking I would NEVER make it to 40. I honestly thought I would be lucky to see my next birthday, say nothing about 40 where I would be free of the torture, free of the pain, free of the life I had to live. I never dreamed I would be able to be here, a mother of a wonderful child, a wife to a tolerant husband, a woman looking at her 40th birthday! Even in that photo up there, I had no clue what life was going to hand me, I feared getting sent back and that would be my one and only birthday party ever. I had been in foster care for less than a year and everyone wanted me to visit with that evil egg donor they liked to call my mother so that we could grow a bond and build a relationship...the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't know I could survive to 40, I didn't know it was possible to get this far.

As I sit here now, pouring out my heart on the internet for others to see, I think WOW, when I was in that photo the internet was unheard of. I wrote in a journal and hid it in various spots so that no one (especially Sissy) could read it. I hid my emotions, I hid  my thoughts, I hid everything possible so that I would not get hurt. I feared life, I feared the people around me, I feared my own shadow. And now here I am, turning 40 and I'm still scared of a lot of things, still scared of meeting new people, still scared to let my heart open to others. BUT I'm not as scared as I used to be, not that timid little girl that hid in the corner in hopes that no one would notice me. If I were to see those school bullies who taunted me because I was weird...I would probably let them have a piece of my mind. I would stand up for myself because it's not my fault that I am who I am...I'm me because I was beaten down by an evil tyrant that everyone called my mother. I may be weird, but I am still a human being. Their taunting made me stronger in the end, the beatings taught me to survive, the life I had to survive rather than live, it made me who I am.

I am a caring person who thinks of others, I believe in treating others the way I wish I was treated. I believe in raising a child who knows how to cry and knows how to feel. I believe in being a good neighbor and paying attention to those around me. I believe that many of the kids who grew up around me might have been abused too and so they taunted and teased because it made them feel better and because I was an easy target. I believe they may have actually grown up and felt badly about how they treated me...I don't know if it's true but I want to believe it to be true because I like to try to believe that there is good in most people. I even believe that once, a long time ago, my evil egg donor was a good person. She lost her way, became bitter about life and instead of looking at the world like I do, she chose to be the bully forever. She chose to let whatever happened to her eat away at her. She chose to make herself feel better by making those smaller than her (her children) feel worse. She was a bully, plain and simple. I refuse to be like her, I will not be a bully and I will be a better person than that. I choose to take my stories and make them something useful, something good, hopefully something that can help others who have to simply survive.
I am turning 40 in a few days, and when I do I will live for the day, I choose to realize that I no longer need to simply survive.


Have a great weekend everyone. I'm off snowboarding with my boys for my birthday, it's going to be a great time. Take time to smell the  (I would says roses but how about snowflakes given the recent weather lol) and take the time to LIVE....don't just simply survive...because living life is so much more fun than just surviving it!