I decided to start my New Years Resolution today so that I can end this year with my first change :) Thoughtful Thursday, a day to stop and think, a day to get all the dirt out of the carpets and empty the septic tank of my life. Sounds pretty nasty right?? Well it was....my life that is...it was very, very nasty!
This past holiday made me remember a time when I was young and should have been care free, unfortunately my evil egg donor made it full of care and worry and stress. My hair was so thin, constantly falling out, now I think I know why. For one, I was a hair puller. I would sit and just pluck the strands of hair out of my head. I wouldn't think about it, I would just do it. It was a nervous habit, probably the beginnings of being a cutter, I just didn't know that yet. I remember taking safety pins and pinning them through the skin of my fingers...why would I do such a thing?? I have no idea except that the evil egg donor made me want to control something. As an adult I can see now what I could not see then, I can see that if I had remained there, if I had not ended up in foster care I probably would have become a cutter. I probably would have done more to myself in order to be able to control the pain inflicted upon me. Beatings were a daily thing, like going to the bathroom. You knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of what time of day she would feel the urge and how much she had held in. Was this going to be one of those days where it was a simple backhand across the room or the day where she grabbed the leather belt or metal yard stick and beat you until you couldn't even feel it anymore...it was a mystery that you could be sure would be solved before the sun had set.
She was the type of woman you feared, but you learned to out maneuver if you could. You learned her weaknesses...like she couldn't run because she had short stubby legs and she was fat! She couldn't climb a tree and she couldn't climb to the garage roof. You learned to use these to your advantage, get out as fast as possible, get up the tree and sit there waiting for her to realize she wasn't getting you down and then go away. I was the cat and she was the dog, when I came down I would catch hell but for the moment I was safe and maybe, just maybe she would forget why or just how mad she really was and the beating would be less severe. It rarely happened, but I had to live with that hope! I was a desperate child!
Here is an example of my desperation I have never shared!
I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, it was a warm summer day and I was tired from haven been beaten. I had not learned the words to the song the egg donor wanted me to learn and I had received her wrath for my disrespect. I went outside to try to learn the song, I knew that I always memorized better while swinging on the swing, so I walked across the drive to that old swing hanging off the old green boards off the side of the house. I sat there swinging in the swing, wishing I could grow wings and just fly off that swing and to some far away place. In front of me was our huge driveway and in front of that was a clear view of the street. Occasionally a car would drive by and I remember thinking I wish one of those people would kidnap me and take me away from here. Then up on the hill I saw a big mac truck coming. I remembered how the egg donor had told me that truckers were bad people who would steal you if you were too close to the road when they drove by so I ran to the edge of the yard as he approached the corner. There on the corner was a lilac bush, beautiful and full of delicious smells. I ran just past it to where that truck would stop to make his turn......and then I dropped my pants and I took off my shirt and I thought surely he will want me just like my daddy does, this will make him take me away for sure. I waved my precious parts to him, I tried to flag him down, I flaunted and flirted as best as I could, but the man just looked and then drove away.
I began to do this on a regular basis, every new truck was a new opportunity. But alas, no pediphiles happened upon my corner except the sperm donor and evil brother #2. Ok, so it's actually a good thing they never happened along or I probably would be dusty bones in a ditch somewhere instead of typing this out right now, but seriously at the time, that is how desperate I was. To stand naked on the corner trying to get a truck drivers attention, how sad and pathetic I must have looked. Why didn't the neighbors say anything? Why didn't they ask questions? Why didn't they say to themselves that something was seriously wrong in a home where a child of 5 will stand on the corner and parade naked for truck drivers? So many why's and so few answers....the story of my life!
And so I will wrap up this weeks issue of Thoughtful Thursday because my son is home on school vacation and he got some really great Christmas presents that I want to play with hehe I also need to get out food shopping before the New Year and today is a great day to do that.
Happy 2011 to all my blog readers and to anyone who happens upon this post! I hope I have helped someone today and if not, at least I have helped myself, which is the whole point of Thoughtful Thursdays. Enjoy your family and friends and remember, it's not a good idea to dance naked in the streets, you might catch a cold lol