My Tickers

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Some weeks are better than others, this week has been a long one to say the least. The more I struggle with Orion and his ADHD the more I find myself resenting the woman who gave birth to me. That woman was no help!

I find myself envious of those women who can call their mom when they need advice, those who can look back on their youth and remember how their mother handled a situation and reuse that idea as their own. I find myself wishing I had that and resenting that evil wench for not doing the right thing! Instead of teaching me, she beat me. Instead of guiding me, she locked me in a closet! Instead of helping me be a better person, she helped me be a bitter person.

I realize Orion can not control his ADHD, I realize it is not his fault that he loses his control and can't stay on task to save his life! I know in my heart that he doesn't mean to behave as badly as he does, but still it is not easy to handle. I find myself frustrated and wishing I could run away when he says or does mean things and then tells me I'm mean because I have to punish him. I find myself cringing when I think in my mind...he asks for it...because that's what my egg donor used to say about me when she would beat me. I know it's totally different, but it makes me very sad to think anything that she said when it comes to my child.


Today I had something thrown in my face....something hurtful although I know it wasn't meant that way. I was talking to someone about Orion and my struggles with his ADHD and the comment was "If he had a sibling or two then it would be a lot easier on everyone. He would learn from them how to behave." Well unfortunately, because of the scar tissue caused by the sexual abuse, I can not have anymore children. I can not afford adoption and I don't feel I would be a good candidate for foster care because I am still dealing with my own emotional scars. So I can not provide siblings to my child. My husband could, he could get a divorce and marry someone who isn't broken, but he chooses to stay with me because he loves me. So our child has no siblings. For the most part I have come to terms with that fact, I have had nearly 10 years to come to terms with it, but sadly when someone tries to blame my childs struggles on the fact that he doesn't have siblings and how they would be good for him, I want to scream. Inside my heart aches and I feel a bitterness toward the sperm donor that makes the bitterness towards the egg donor look nice. I want to kill him with my bare hands, I want to rip him limb from limb. I want to scream at the top of my lungs....I was the youngest of 7 children, I had planned on having at least 2 or 3 children of my own. I know the value of siblings and how well they teach you about life. I wanted that for my own children, but alas it was stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's times like these that makes me feel like the healing has only just begun because I feel so unbelievably angry and betrayed. I literally feel hatred...and trust me I know that's a harsh word but it's true...I HATE that man for the things he did to me. Older brother hurt me too, but he started in well after the sperm donor so I do not blame him, I am positive the damage had already been done by the evil one who decided to rape my tiny 2 year old body. Today I am angry and bitter because he stole something not only from me but also from my child...that's just not cool!


Some weeks are better than others, don't waste too much time being angry and bitter at those who have wronged you but also don't be afraid to feel it and then let it go. Hug your kids, give them what you can and be thankful they are in your lives. Finally remember that just because someone only has one child it's not always because they choose to only have one, sometimes they just don't have the option to choose. If you point that out to them you may hurt them without realizing it so please be careful what you say unless you know them really well!

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