Saturday, April 7, 2012
I started out by creating a new graphic to go with my posts. At first I was going to go for a picture of me looking into a mirror but my reflection would be of me as a child...but then I changed my mind. I felt that although I am reflecting on my past, I am no longer seeing that sad little girl in the mirror. As I reflect on my past I am seeing more of me in the mirror, me as I am now and how I want to be. I no longer see the evil egg donor staring back at me, I now see me, just me. So I opted to just put the two photos side by side, when I did that I realized that I no longer tilt my head to the right, I now tilt to the left...funny I never noticed it before. Realizing that took me back...
I remember the egg donor used to take lots of pictures. She seemed to hate us so much, I never understood why she would want photos of us but she took them none the less. She also used to yell when I would tilt my head. She wanted my head to be straight, she wanted my shoulders back and not hunched, she wanted that perfect kid instead of the one she got stuck with. She would slap me upside the head to get me to straighten up, poke her finger between my shoulder blades to make me straighten my back. She would hit and poke where the camera would not be able to capture a bruise and no one would notice. No matter how hard she tried, I would always end up with that head tilt. Perhaps it's just something I did out of habit, perhaps it was pure defiance, I can not be sure. Whatever it was, whatever caused me to tilt my head, I find myself wondering why I switched from one side to the other. Perhaps it's because I look at the world differently now, from a different perspective. Perhaps it's just some weird coincidence and there's no meaning behind it at all. Perhaps I am looking for something that simply isn't there......but whatever the reason I am glad to see that my reflection has changed for the better.
I look at those two photos and I can't help but notice that there is more to them than just a girl that grew up. Those two people are complete opposites of each other. Yes, one is young and one is older (I refuse to call myself old even though when I was that age I would have considered 41 to be ancient) but there are deeper changes, deeper differences. That little girl is so sad that you can see it clearly all over her face. She isn't smiling, but the sadness runs deeper...you can see it in the eyes. Her heart, her spirit, her very soul is sad. If you look into those eyes you see hopelessness, sadness, someone living day to day with nothing to live for. She is a little girl lost, my heart breaks for her. That little girl had no idea that she would one day have a reflection like the one beside her. She never knew that she would be able to smile, that she would have hope for her future, that she could actually dream and that those dreams would come true. I wish I could go back in time and give her that tiny piece of hope, tell her to hang in there it's going to be okay in another 30 or so years. I wish I could give her a dream to hold tight to. It would have been nice to know that someday I would be happy, that someday I would be free of those walls that held all my nightmares whether asleep or awake. I look at that little girls face and I keep asking myself how no one else saw it? How could they not know that bad things were going on, that something must be wrong if a little girl could look so deeply sad, sad to her very soul. How could anyone not notice and if they did notice why didn't they do anything to help? Why do so many people keep this attitude of what happens behind closed doors is none of their business? Why do people think they should keep their mouths shut tight while something is clearly wrong? These are all questions that I am sure I will never know the answers to. I can't go back and help that little girl, I can't save her from the pain and I can't give her anything to hold onto to make it a little more bearable. All I can do is tell my story so that maybe, just maybe, someone else will read it and they will see that there is hope for the future and maybe my stories will help them to hold on just a little longer. Child abuse is a horrible reality for way too many children, I hope that one day they too will be able to look in the mirror and find a reflection that is smiling back. I hope that one day, like me, that reflection will say "You're a survivor!"
Have a great weekend, enjoy Easter with your family whether it's a religious holiday or a bunny egg hunting holiday. Take the time to look at your own reflection and look deep into your soul...I hope you find that your reflection smiles back.