Wednesday, January 4, 2012
2012 has arrived...........
Wow, another year has come and gone...I can't believe it!
In 2011 I realized that it was time for me to move forward. I began to feel better about life, about my past and about my future. I looked beyond where I was and saw what I could possibly become. I realized that I needed to do this for my son, because he needs a mother who is strong and can overcome. He needs a mother who is not stuck in the past, not stuck in her memories of living nightmares. I then realized that I was feeling less angry and that was a good thing.
2011 was year of emotional growth and I owe it all to my wonderful Cousin Candy! I reconnected with Candy through Facebook and then we started texting and messaging a lot. Candy is the one who thought I was a weird kid....then she read my blog and started to understand why. We "talked" a lot and I found myself drawn to her whenever I was feeling a need for a friend. She became not just my cousin, but also a friend. I had always liked Candy, always thought she had the most beautiful smile, it was one you could see in her eyes as well as on her face. Candy, through her words, began to make me feel good about myself. I had heard from others what a strong person I am, but until I heard it from Candy, I don't think I ever truly believed it. I felt small and powerless (understandable I guess given my history) but she saw me as someone who was strong and amazing. She saw me as I had never seen myself and when I was feeling down, she brought me back up. I can only hope that I have been as much of a help to her as she has been to me.
2011 was a good year...thanks Candy for being a part of it!
In 2012 I plan to grow more, to move even further away from the life I lived. I also plan on using this year to show my son that hardship can be overcome. He's getting older now, turning into a man, and I think it's time that I can start being honest with him about a few things. Don't worry, I'm not going to give him all the details yet, I don't think he ever needs to know all the details, but some I think he'll be able to handle and maybe it will help him understand his mother a bit better.
A week or so ago, the Wild Child was being punished for talking back. I had him sitting down for a few minutes to think about his words. He yelled at me that putting him in a time out at 11 was "Child Abuse" I'll admit it, I was hurt! My son, calling me a child abuser because I was putting him in a time out....yep I yelled! I know I shouldn't have, but I know child abuse and I know he doesn't and so that's exactly what I told him! I yelled that he had no idea what child abuse was and that he could call me every name in the book but he was never, EVER, to call me a child abuser! He quieted down, apparently struck by my words and my tears. Yes, he could have called me an F****ing B**ch and it would not have stung as bad!
A few days later, he had obviously been thinking about that day because he asked me about my egg donor. He simply asked if she was truly all that bad. He wanted to know what she had done to me and why I felt that I was abused. I tried to keep it simple...she was so bad that the state came in and took us away from her. She was so bad, she wasn't allowed to raise us anymore. Being the inquisitive child that he is, he wanted details. I took a deep breath and told him a brief summary.....she yelled, she hit, she didn't feed us right or treat us right. He wanted to know more...like what? Why did she hit? Why did she yell? Why was it so bad considering people spank their kids and yell at kids all the time....what exactly made her so much worse than other parents? I realized that I was not going to get away with brief summaries or soft answers anymore, he was growing up and wanted to know more. So I told him a few things...like the fact that instead of a spanking I was struck with a leather belt, a metal yardstick, hairbrushes, anything she could get her hands on. He wanted to know how no one saw anything? Why didn't someone notice? I had no answer to that and I was honest about it. All I knew was that she was good at making sure she only hit where clothing would cover, never let a bruise be seen. He asked me if I ever worried that she would kill me...I was honest there too. Yes, I was worried every single day! Every morning when I woke up I tried to be quiet enough to not be noticed. I tried to get off to school as quickly as possible. All day at school I wondered and worried about what I would get into trouble for, what would get me hit today? I tried to think about any mistakes I might have made that she would notice....it was never a matter of IF i would be beat, it was more a question of when, why, and how bad would it be. I think he could tell I was growing uncomfortable...he let it go at that point. He changed the subject and life went on.
A day or so after that he asked about her again....something tells me he isn't going to stop asking questions any time soon.