Thursday, June 23, 2011
Just some updates:
First, I haven't heard back on the job completely. Apparently the person that I would be replacing is having a hard time selling her house and may not be moving afterall. She was given 1 more week to figure out what she wants to do because if she doesn't move, she will be keeping the job and the position will no longer be available. I'm a bit bummed out by that, but what can I do? Not much, so it's a wait and see and I'll know more on Tuesday. I was told I would have a definite answer one way or the other on Tuesday so there we are. Not much to say and just keeping my fingers crossed because I really wanted that job.
Second, as you probably have guessed, my son has finished 5th grade and he is still in my care. He is actually out with his father right now, but he wasn't taken away by some police officer and a nice social worker. He came home with me and I took one more step forward in my healing process. Although I have found very few people who understand why this was so important to me, why it felt like a landmark, I feel it within me and honestly I don't care what other people think anymore. This was a big deal to me not because I felt like a failure as a mother, not because I was worried even, it was a step for me emotionally and I am sure that I will continue to make emotional steps to ensure my healing. Something like this, this life that I lived, it's not something that you can just walk away from unscathed. It haunts you whether you want it to or not. No matter how hard you try, it's still there and all it takes is a smell or a word or a certain tone of voice to send you spiraling backwards into the depths of a nightmare that you have already survived. You're supposed to be awake and free of the terror, yet it's right there hiding and waiting for you around every corner. You see it in the eyes of others, you hear it in tones of voices, you want to run from it but it is always there, like your shadow. Sometimes the sun comes out high in the sky and you don't see it, there's no trace of that shadow in sight, but eventually the sun will begin to set and the shadow becomes long and dark and it follows you wherever you roam. There is no escaping it, it is a part of you and once you accept that and take those little steps, find the minor milestones and rejoice in them, that shadow becomes smaller and you feel bigger than it. Once you are bigger than your dark shadow, you begin to feel like you can live again, you can breathe again, you can be "normal" like everyone else. So yes, I felt my milestone and I felt the glory of doing something better than my egg donor, I felt a small piece of the pain fall away and I don't care if no one understands that, I do and truly that is all that matters. I am the one that needs to heal, I am the one that needs to grow emotionally, I am the one that needs to beat this shadow down enough that the sun in my life never sets again and that shadow can never grow long and dark again. My hope is that one day that will be the way it is, that I can look behind me and see no trace of the shadow because it fell away so very long ago. I hope that in writing my blog that the shadow will be lost in my words and will stop haunting me. If others can't understand that, well screw them, because quite honestly I don't care what they think anymore. I need to do this for me, I need to find these little things that seem like nothing to everyone else and make my healing process about me and not about anyone else. The only other person remotely involved is my son, he is the reason I do this afterall. I don't want him to see a weak sad mother, I want him to see a strong mother who can stand up and speak out. I want him to see me as a person I would be proud to be and a person who makes him proud to have as his mother. I can't be that person if this shadow keeps following me around darkening my world. So if you don't get my milestone, I really don't care to hear your opinion. To me it's important and that is all that matters.
Third, I want to share with everyone my awesome sons report card for 5th Grade! Just a quick note on our grading system...they give an overall grade and then some parts of math and English are broken down into Advanced, Proficient, Needs Improvement, and Below Standard.
Mathematics Overall Grade: B+ ....I also want to note that his algebra and geometry portions of the math grade were BOTH advanced! Everything else was Proficient :)
Social Studies Overall Grade: B+ .... This is up from a B-
Science Overall Grade: A .... This is up from a A-
Reading Overall Grade: B+ ....This is up from a C+
Language Arts Overall Grade: B+ .....This is up from a B
Composition Overall Grade: A- ......This is up from a C-!!!!!
The biggest thing to me is that the teachers also point out how much effort they believe the child is putting in. The last two grading periods Orion has had nothing but an S (meaning Some of the Time) for his effort. This term, every single effort went up to an M (meaning Most of the Time) EXCEPT for Science and Composition where his effort went for an S to CO (meaning Consistently) For a child with ADHD to pull out these grade and put in enough effort for the teachers to actually see it, it's amazing to me. He did awesome and I am so unbelievably proud of him!
Have a great weekend, I know I will. This Friday evening I will be taking Orion to the bowling alley for what they call Rock N Bowl. They turn the regular lights down, turn on the strobe lights, disco lights, black lights and smoke machines. They blare rock music and we get to bowl! It's what we do the first Friday after school lets out every single year, our celebration of the end of the school year and the beginning of summer. Remember to celebrate the little things and find the milestones that will make your shadows a little smaller because eventually those milestones will add up and the shadow will be gone and you'll find you can look back and still smile.