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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

A day totally wasted........

Yesterday I wasted a full day in anger and bitterness.

I know I shouldn't have, I know I should have let it go

but instead of letting it go I held onto it, I wallowed in it

and I wasted an entire day being angry!

Today I am going to put the words here, going to put the feelings here, and then I will be able to walk away and not be angry anymore! If there is one thing I have learned from blogging it's that I feel much better when I write it all down, it's a release, it's a freedom enhancer, and I always feel better after blogging.

So why was so upset yesterday? It's because someone (and you know who you are so I need not say more) posted something on my facebook wall. It was actually a response to reading my blog, but her response would have been taken much better if she had the common decency to send me a message instead of post it on my wall making me look like some small child being disciplined by my mother. See she has a different view of some of my youth, not the abuse, the foster care part of it. She seems to think that I should simply be grateful to the foster care system because I was taken in despite my idiosyncrasies. Well honestly don't you think that my idiosyncrasies were the result of the abuse I had suffered and isn't that something that should be expected to be seen when you take in any foster child? Perhaps a baby would not have little quirks and peculiar habits, but an 11 year old child who has been raped and beaten all her life, doesn't she deserve to be a little weird??? Shouldn't some sort of unique behavior be expected? So I am grateful to the foster care system for getting me out, but not for taking me in despite my idiosyncrasies! 

She also commented saying that Big Sis #2 was the only one to do extra work, but she somehow forgot that Big Sis #2 was only there a short while. She went off to college and Sissy had to take over her list of jobs to do. I DID help Sissy out with her work, I did do her jobs when she went out and many times our foster mother wasn't even there on Saturday morning when we were doing the work, she was off at the market or doing something else so how would she have known?? Did she really think I was gonna rat out my Sissy? Seriously?

In the end it was her that called my social worker telling her that she needed to find me a new home. I was told by my social worker that she had called and that she felt I was no longer a good match for that home and that we needed to find me a good home. I am sure my social worker was not lying when she told me that my foster mother wanted me out and that it needed to happen asap. We did find a different home for me, but seriously I was a disposable child to her and that is how I will always look at her. Her children were gone off to college, my Big Sis #2 had gone off to college, Big Brother #3 had gone back to live with the egg donor because he was her Dumbledore and the only one she ever feared. Sissy was with her boyfriend, senior year of high school and it looked like she would be leaving as soon as her feet could get her out the door. That foster mother could not fool me, she just didn't want me in her hair for another 3 years, I could tell she only took us all in because Big Sis #2 wanted us all to stay together. I am sure the money from the state was nice too. Now that she was down to the last one, the one she liked least of all, well she could get rid of me and be done with this whole foster care thing.

Now years later she's reading my blog and contradicting me on my facebook wall. WHY??? At least I was there shortly after she posted it and I could delete the entire post. She couldn't just be an adult and post me a message between the two of us? She had to go to my facebook wall? She couldn't just post a comment on here? What exactly was she trying to prove by doing that? Was she just trying to piss me off? If she was then she certainly succeeded! But I refuse to spend another day being pissed at her so I will post this and move on in my life. Life is too short to sit around around trying to defend my blog posts to some old bitty who kicked me out of her home because I was too much for her to handle. I was a rebellious 14 year old child who had a lot to learn in life, she wasn't willing to take on that battle then so I certainly don't respect her opinion now.

From Blogger Pictures

1 comment:

SMJ said...

Sounds to me like someone out there is trying to shake some guilt off for not having been the person she should have been. Maybe now, reading your blog, she see's the bigger picture and realizes what she could've/should've done for you all those years ago. Unfortunately she's STILL making the wrong choices, laying blame rather than making steps to heal. Excuse my French, but thats some bullshit! (Did you know that was French? lol) You didn't waste a day. You simply allowed yourself to feel pissed-off in the moment you were pissed-off. And then when you realized you didn't like feeling that way anymore, you wrote it out & called a truce with yourself. THAT? Is some healthy stuff woman!!!