I am numb today, sadness sits in my heart and i do not want to feel anything. I don't want to remember, I don't want to cry, but still I do both and it's breaking my heart! Yesterday I knew I would feel this, yesterday I knew this was coming, but yesterday it was not here and real so I would like to go back to yesterday until I am ready to face today.
Today my son feels the pain I felt years ago, that emptiness that sits inside you, around you, encloses you like a cold blanket that weighs too much to lift off. It is not a good place to be and it's breaking my heart to watch him deal with this pain, this hurt, this sadness that lingers and just wont go away.
That is my boy just 3 years ago, the one below is me at just about the same age. My boy was so happy that day, the day before he had found this little kitten and we had told him he could keep it, that he could raise it and give it a good home. I was of the same feeling in that photo of me...that pup was mine (although in that photo she is no longer a puppy, it is the only photo of us I do have).
He named his kitten Sparky, because it was right before 4th of July and he reminded Orion of the color of fireworks, I named mine Mitsy, a character from a book I was reading. We both loved our animals very deeply, we played with them and we fed them, we took good care of our animals. However we both had our animals leave us when they were way too young and now those smiles, that happiness, it's all just faded memories, memories that have been replaced by the image of a dead animal, happy playful memories now replaced with the sad ones of burying a beloved friend.
Poor Orion is hurting and although I can relate and I can sympathize, I can not take this away from him, I can not change it, and that knowledge breaks my heart. We created that slideshow yesterday, we worked hard to go through all the photos of our friend and added them with care. We needed to replace the last moment with the happy memories so that we could somehow go onward and face each new day without our friend. Together we put Sparky's name on the Rainbow Bridge website so that he can be included in the Monday night candle vigil next week. I read the story to Orion and we talked about how we will see our friends again someday. I hope it helped him to know I understand his pain as deeply as he feels it.
So today I feel numb because if I allow myself to feel the depth of my pain I will not be able to help my boy deal with his grief. He is brokenhearted by a terrible loss, the lost of a best friend!
No magical words this week, just love your pets deeply and never take them for granted because you never know when they will be gone from your life forever and when they are gone, that shredded piece of furniture, those shredded drapes, that old worn out blanket they used to sleep on will be the only things you have left to hold.
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