Thursday, October 28, 2010
When you're an abused child you think differently than most kids your age. You try not to think about 10 or 15 years down the road mainly because you're too worried about what tonight will bring. You have to think in the moment, how will this decision now effect my life 5 minutes from now when the evil one finds out about it? How can I do this without getting caught? How can I cover this up so she won't know? You dread the moment she outsmarts you because she does that a lot....afterall you are just a kid and she's got a good 30 years of evilness on you. So you do what you can, what you feel you need to do, and you hope the evil one never knows.
One of the biggest things I did that I hoped she would never figure out concerned her alcohol. She had a bottle of vodka that she loved and no one was allowed to even touch it! You even looked at it and you got yelled at. Not even the sperm donor was allowed to touch her precious clear liquid. Since I knew how much she liked it, but also how mean she was after she drank it, I messed with her without her knowing. After she had gone to bed, or after school when she wasn't home, I would take her bottle from its hiding spot, mark it with my finger and then dump some down the drain. Then I would go to the toilet with the bottle and a cup and I would refill it to the exact spot with toilet water. I would return it to her hiding spot making sure I set it back exactly as it had been when I removed it. I did that at least once a week, it was great fun watching her drink her toilet-watered-down-vodka! I would find myself having to leave the room lest she catch me giggling and it got me smacked around. Then there was those bottles of budweiser she hid behind the couch. There was always a 6 pack there and they were always twist caps so you didn't have to use a bottle opener...those I would actually pee in the toilet first then fill them! I know, pretty gross, BUT SHE DESERVED IT! It was my sweet revenge until I realized that Sissy was sneaking the vodka to deal with the sexual abuse she was suffering and Big Sis #2 was sneaking the Budweisers. After that, I stopped because I didn't want them to get sick and I knew that they were watering down her drinks to cover up what they were drinking. Sometimes it made me mad knowing they had taken away my own bit of revenge, but they were older and so they won. Of course I can't help but wonder just how much toilet water and pee water those two actually drank and how they didn't manage to get sick lol I recently told Sissy about that and she just laughed and said "no wonder that vodka tasted funny" At least she had a sense of humor about it, she could understand. What she couldn't understand was why I poured it down the drain instead of drinking it to deal.
Of course I had my own way of dealing...I was a smoker. The sperm donor smoked camels with no filters and he spent so much time being drunk I managed to steal plenty of cigarettes off him. It all started when I was about 4 years old when the egg donor called us all into the kitchen. She lined us up and handed us each a cigarette. She lit them up and made us each smoke an entire cigarette by ourselves. It was supposed to teach us what a horrible habit it was, it was supposed to make us sick and make us never want to smoke again. Sissy puked something awful, poor thing! Me, I rather enjoyed it. It relaxed me, calmed me, made it easier to deal with the stress of life. I smoked my cigarette and wanted more! I found myself sitting next to the sperm donors chair waiting for him to sit his cigarette down so I could sneak it as he sat in a drunken stupor watching tv. He would always light up and then leave it sitting in the ashtray just burning, picking it up every now and again to take another puff. I was very good at sneaking puffs for myself here and there and as my addiction grew I started to steal cigarettes out of the pack. By the time I was 6 years old I was walking the road looking for soda cans and bottles to take to the store to redeem. Back then kids could buy cigarettes for their parents at the local country store, so I would redeem my cans and buy myself a pack a day. I would steal money from the egg donor and the sperm donor so that I could afford my habit. I was a pack a day 6 year old smoker....pretty sad eh? But it got me through, it helped me deal with the abuse. I would smoke right before bed every night knowing that in a few hours I would be woken by the sperm donor, given my bag of circus peanuts and then taken to the shed. The circus peanuts were to keep me quiet. I was told that it was my special treat...I recently found out in conversation that Sissy was told the same exact thing...it was her special treat. Funny how we kept those secrets to ourselves for so long and we never knew that the other was being abused.
Have a great weekend, and watch the way you treat your kids because they might just spike your wine with toilet water...and who wants to drink that??