My Tickers

Friday, January 29, 2010

OOPS....

It's Friday and I missed my Thoughtful Thursday post....sigh...my bad!

I do try to get on here to post, but usually I have Thursdays and Fridays off, and since I had taken extra days off after the break-in I opted to work yesterday during the day to make up for it and try to make some money. I succeeded in making money, it was a profitable day to say the least, but that means I was busy answering the phones and not so busy posting on my blog.....of course we all know making money is more important because that helps us make it through the here and now and delving into my past helps too but it doesn't pay the bills or make it so we can go out and have fun as a family so it definately takes a second shelf. On that note....here's a little something I've been needing to get off my chest.

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Everyday I work hard to not yell at my child, it's not easy to say the least. When he doesn't have adderall he's wild and inattentive, out of control and can't listen to save his life. When he does have his meds and I send him off to school he does well there, but once he gets home it's time for the meds to leave his body and then we're fighting the side effect of that....anger! We're not talking a little anger either, we're talking Lifetime TV worthy teenager on steroids anger!! I'm not even kidding! Basically in order to not yell, in order to not be hurt and upset by his anger I have to send him to his room by himself and completely ignore him for a couple of hours. If I so much as walk into the room, look at him, anything it's that angry "WHAT?" with a look that could put me 6 feet under the normal 6 feet under! After the 2 to 2 1/2 hours he's a regular everyday kind of kid that I love to be around......except now he has no meds and he's wild and crazy and inattentive and can't follow directions to save his life....sigh

So as I deal with all of this I can't help but ask myself....what the hell was wrong with my mother??? Why couldn't she just have ignored me? Why couldn't she deal with me yet I can learn to deal with a child who is so much worse?? I worked so hard to follow her instructions, I did everything in my power to make her happy even though it seemed to be the impossible task! I even loved her when she didn't deserve and ounce of it, yet she beat me with the leather belt, she whipped me with the horse whip, she left emotional and physical scars on a daily basis...WHY?? If ever there was a child that I could possibly see driving a crazy woman like my mother to physical violence it would be my son yet here I am unable to even spank him, unable to lay a finger on him in anger.

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT LIFE??

I don't think there are any answers to those questions, I used to think that maybe she had PMDD like me, maybe that was her issue, but now I don't think so. I have forgotten to take my meds, felt that anger rise up inside me, felt the hormones going all whacky yet still I do not lay a hand on my child. I might yell, I might cry, but I would never lay a single finger on him in anger! And no, it's not just because I was an abused child and I'm afraid of repeating the cycle, it's more along the lines of it's just not right! Beating a child is going to get you no where, it's going to do nothing to help the situation. I don't hit my child because I have tought him that hitting is wrong and I have never understood how you can hit a child and then tell them that hitting is wrong...isn't that a contradiction of your teaching?

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Well that's about it, I feel better having made my weekly post about the crap in my life. Have a great weekend everyone :)

From Blogger Pictures

1 comment:

SMJ said...

Whoo hoo for making some money$!!

Your story really needs to be published...do you realize how many people you could help while helping you at the same time? I think that everytime I read your Thoughtful Thursday posts.

Sorry the kiddo is going through to motions of ADD and meds, but props to you for finding strength to endure the hard days without being like the woman who raised you. HUGS!