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Sunday, January 31, 2010

Why I don't write a book...sorry if this is long

I've had a lot of people ask me why I don't write a book about my past...even SMJ posted a comment about it in my last post. Honestly I have a few different reasons and here they are

For one, I feel like my brain is a big jumbled mess and I can never seem to keep an organized line of thought. I have mentioned before how I feel like I have some form of multiple personality thing going on where memories are locked away, protecting me from my own nightmares. The brain is an amazing thing and although I have never shown signs of a true multiple personality disorder I personally know that I have what I like to call zones. I do not go back into that little girl zone much anymore, but yell at me the right way, even playfully lift a hand toward me and I will slip back there and hide in a corner like a scared child...LITERALLY! I have curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen just last year when hubby and I were arguing over something stupid. He didn't raise his hand, he just said some words that were mean and hurtful (as people aften do when they are arguing) and it was the exact words I had heard my mother say before she hit me. I immediately fell to the floor, crawled into the corner and bawled like a little baby. It ended our fight immediately but it was seriously a sad sad moment! I was pathetic....30 years later she still haunts me with simple words!

So no I can't get myself together enough to write a book because I can't get it all together right.

Second, I have a couple of my siblings that I am still in contact with. Older sister #2 will comment to me on Facebook at least once a month and older sister #3 is in constant contact with me. We text on the phone almost daily, we post on each others facebook walls all the time and we talk on the phone when our work schedules don't clash (which isn't very often since we work opposite hours) Anyway, these sisters of mine are not as open about our life as I am, they would rather just move forward and forget the past. They often tell me that I seem to embrace the past like it's a purple heart of bravery. They don't even like that I post Thoughtful Thursdays because they worry that someday it will link back to them somehow and people will find out what they came from. The last time I mentioned writing a book they flipped right out. That is why I only use numbers for them here on my blog, because they do not want their names used in any manner shape or form. I just don't want the hassle or the fight and I certianly do not want them to stop talking to me again. That's already happened once when I was in high school, again in college all over papers that I had written as class assignments.

See in high school, in my senior year, our english assignment was to write a paper on something we felt very strongly about and it had to be something that not only could we support in fact but also could apply personal experience. I wrote my paper on helping victims of incest. I supported my paper with the statistics that were out there and then I also added my own personal experience. When I had to give my oral report I stood in front of the class, asked them to close their eyes while I painted a picture in their minds. I read from my paper my story....from my point of was the scariest thing I had ever done. I painted a picture of horror for them and no one in that class ever loked at me the same since. That teacher was the first person who told me I needed to write a book. BUT that was the day my siblings got mad because now others knew that I had been a victim. I hadn't mentioned them at all, but they were sure that now everyone knew their dirty laundry and they hated me for it. We didn't talk much for a year or so, they forgot it and we made up as sisters often do. Then in college for my psychology class I wrote a paper on the effects of abuse and I did include them. I figured no one would know them since they lived in a completely different state, but they worried that someone would somehow find that paper and then know their history and somehow the people they knew would find out their past. So we did not talk for many years after that one. I got married, I had my son and finally facebook brought us back together again. I don't want to lose this again, so I will not write again with their names...never again. If I were to write a book I would have to be creative, figure out a way to write the details without them in it and I don't think I could do that, I just don't know how.

And hubby also does not like me writing about my past. He doesn't like Thoughtful Thursdays either, he feels it keeps me in the past and that I should just forget it and move onward. He's always saying..."that's not your life anymore, just move on" I can't seem to make him understand that I am moving on and that this writing is helping me to move on.

And so I sit here and I post my life against everyones wishes because it's the one thing I can do for myself to help me heal. It's the one thing I can do to help me feel better, to help me make sense of this crazy life that has been mine. Even though everyone that I love tells me not to do it, that it's hurting me or it's going to hurt them, I do it anyway. perhaps it's just my rebellious ways, perhaps it's just my form of control, I don't know, I just know that I feel the need to write and so I do it. I feel the need to put this all into words and somehow in doing so I feel better so I do it again and again. Trust me, I do concider writing a book even though they don't want me to, and maybe someday I will, I'm turning 39 on Friday and that leaves me plenty of years ahead to write that book. Maybe I'll write it and give the profits to my son....maybe, just maybe.

From Blogger Pictures

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