My Tickers

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

YES I'm bitter and jealous...

SO SUE ME!!!!!

I can't have anymore children, my father/brother/uncle took that away from me! My OB told me after having Orion that I would never carry another child to full term and that, quite frankly, she was amazed I managed to carry Orion to full term! I have so much scar tissue, so much damage caused by thier abuse of my little body, that I can not possibly carry another child to term. My uterus will literally tear open killing me and any child trying to grow in there. Because of this, I opted to have my tubes tied and fried....I couldn't risk an accidental baby leaving Orion motherless.

So when I read blogs of other mothers who already have 4 children ranging in age from 1 to 5 years old, people who are struggling to keep their marriage together, people running off to Africa to do Gods work (bah God, who the hell wants to do his work when he lets small children suffer so) People who seem so nice and it makes me feel badly to think this way...when they announce they are expecting a 5th baby, yeah I get bitter. I get angry, I get down-right mad as hell! I'm not mad at MkMama, a small part of me is happy for her but there's that bitter part that just gets mad! It's not fair, just not fair at all!!

I know, I's not fair but damn it, that just pisses me off!

Yes I am venting, as I so need to do sometimes. It's not just MkMama announcing that she's having a 5th baby, it's also that family that has 18 or 19 see their life story on tv. Why?? What makes them so damn special?? They are extra special because they can pop out baby after baby and not feel guilty for it? They are special because they can have so many children?? What about those of us who struggle through life just to survive, the ones who try so hard to have babies who in the end are told their dreams of even a moderate sized family are shattered because their asshole relatives thought it would be fun to rape them when they were just little girls? Why don't we have a tv show?? Personally, I think my story is way more interesting than some family popping out so many kids that they have instant baby sitters and easy child labor. I would never dream of popping out 18 or 19 kids, but I don't even get the chance to have even a playmate for my kid! I got my one chance and that's all I get and that doesn't make me special in anyway what so ever. It doesn't give me a tv show, and you know why???

it's least I think so

the answer is simply that people don't want to hear or see others struggle. People don't want to see those of us who suffered unimaginable pain at the hands of our parents. People don't want to even admit it exists. People would rather live in this world where having one kid or no kids, no matter the reason is just something you choose to do. If you choose to fore-go any birth control and just pop out baby after baby then you're awesome and you can have a tv show. It's ok for teenagers to go out an get pregnant too...hell you do that and you can have a tv show too. They'll even make an imaginary tv show about teenage pregnancy and how it's all ok. Don't show the real people, the ones out here struggling because they suffered. Don't show the child abuse unless it's some special on lifetime network and even then only make one movie about it and show it only late at night when other shows are on that most people watch. Don't make the world aware that there is an evil out there and it's called mommy or daddy. Keep that kind of thing hush hush.

Yes, I am bitter, yes I am angry. Not at the people who are blessed enough to be able to make the decision to skip birth control of any kind and just have baby after baby, not even angry at their situation...just angry because I don't have the chance to make that choice myself. Angry because that choice was taken away from me completely, taken by people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to be on my side. It's times like this that I feel the hatred the most and I don't understand how any all powerful God could allow this to happen! What could I have possibly done at 2 years old to deserve to be raped by the man I called Daddy? What could I have possibly done to deserve such lifelong suffering??

I just don't understand!

From Blogger Pictures

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