Thoughtful Thursday.....

This is going to be a short one because I feel like my head is about to explode! No, I'm not angry, I just feel like crap! My sinus' are raging mad right now, head is throbbing, and sudafed is doing nothing to kill the pain! I've even tried the cocktail my Big Sis told me about....mixing naprosen, motrin, asprin, tylenol (not all at once but different variations like naprosen and asprin or motrin and tylenol) I tried naprosen and asprin because that's what I have in the house at the moment, my head is still in pain! I am sure this has a lot to do with my allergies and it's why I HATE spring!

See spring brings back the birds and me and birds, we just don't mix! If I am enclosed in a house with birds my lungs close up so I can not breathe ( a rescue inhaler will help a little but if I stay too long...like longer than 5 minutes I will not be breathing period!) My eyes will also swell up making it hard to see out them. It's really a deadly reaction! Now when the birds are outdoors, like in springtime, it's not quite as bad but still bad enough. My sinus' swell, my lungs work extra hard and I have trouble breathing without using my rescue inhaler every couple of hours and even then I will get this really yucky cough from my respiratory system swelling. I end up sounding like I have bronchitis for awhile until the birds all move along to the woods or where ever they go to make their nests. My eyes also itch and burn like no tomorrow and I want to scratch them out of my head! Once the birds clear out and stop congregating on my back lawn I'll get better and do fine, but for now it's not a fun ride. So that's why this post won't be super long!

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Today is Thursday, so I'm supposed to write about my evil egg donor or my evil sperm donor or their evil minions who raped me and hurt me. I hate that life, I hate those memories, I hate that I had to live through it....but I did just that! I lived, I survived, I rose above the evilness and somehow found a world that was completely the opposite of that. It's like I woke up one morning and realized I had been dreaming for years and it was a really bad nightmare! Sometimes I wish it was just a bad dream, something that never actually happened, soemthing that happened in my head only and now that I'm awake I can move on in normalcy. But I know it was real, I know it wasn't some bad dream and even when I want so badly to believe it was there's still those scars that show the reality to my imagination.

There's that scar on my back when I was whipped so badly that it tore my skin, the one on my head hidden in my hairline where I was hit over the head, there's those internal scars that are not visible but I know are there none the less. Like the ones in my ears that the doctor swears could only be from tubes being put in or someone stabbing something into my ears repeatedly....yeah I never had tubes. I had an egg donor who would hold me down on her lap while I screamed bloody blue murder! She would take a bobby-pin and stick it in my ear telling me she was trying to get rid of my ear wax that was supposedly in there. She would tell me if I didn't hold still she would poke out my ear drum...yeah she was that mean! Now I have scars inside my ear that hinder my hearing some, at least it's not enough to cause a ton of hearing loss!

and of course there's those scar "downtown" caused by the evil brother and the evil sperm donor. The scars that almost cost me the life of my son and cost me any other children I ever wanted to have! The scars that linger in silence...those are the worst in my opinion! I wanted to have more children, I wanted that so badly...still do as a matter of fact. But alas, it was taken away from me, stolen before I was even aware that I would want children, stolen when I was a little toddler....still even a baby as I was only 2 years old when it started! How I survived, how I managed to even carry one child is nothing short of a mystery to my doctors! It should not of happened, I should not have had the ability to carry a child at all, say nothing about carry one (albeit on strick bedrest for most the pregnancy) to full term and beyond (Orion was born at 41 weeks!) Every single day I feel so blessed to have him in my life!

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Ok that's it I need to go lay down and put an ice pack on my head, hopefully it will help this headache go away and slow down the sinus pain some! Have a great weekend....we're supposed to be going up north for one last weekend of snowboarding as a family but I'm not sure I'm really feeling that happening. Sadly, I think I'll be staying home resting and trying to feel better.

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