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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Thoughtful Thursday Wednesday

I know it's not Thursday yet, it will be tomorrow and I will probably still write  a Thoughtful Thursday post tomorrow, but today I need to get more off my chest so that I can bowl in my competition tonight free of this dead weight.

See I have been talking with Big Sis a lot number of texts sent and received has quadrupled this month, not to mention the hours spent on the phone talking to her, laughing with her, and remembering with her. She has been such a wonderful help in putting all these thoughts into place and I feel my emotional health has improved drastically since talking to her on a daily hourly basis...ok so we have a texting habit but it never interferes with either of our jobs so it's not that big of a deal IMO.

Anyway, back to the reason for my post today...recently we have been talking about when the egg donor was  in her last days. Big Sis was there as she lay on her death bed, even though she really didn't want to be. Her oldest daughter told her she should go visit just so that she would have made her peace. Her next to oldest daughter told her to go for a different reason...this girl is one smart cookie! She told Big Sis to go visit for one reason see if she was truly a decent human being and would realize what a rotten human being she really was. If she was not a selfish scumbag she would lay on her deathbed and apologize for her evil ways. She would recognize how wrong she was to treat her children the way she did, apologize for beating us daily and beg for forgiveness.....this is why Big Sis went, just to see if she would apologize. If she did and if she begged for forgiveness then she would know that the egg donor was not evil to the core and that maybe there was some good deep down inside. What she found was the egg donor talking like Big Sis was her favorite daughter, going on and on about how wonderful big brother #3 was and then telling Big Sis she needed to go mow her lawn so that when she died her house would be presentable to be cleaned out and sold. There was no apologizing, there was no recognition of the daily beatings, nothing at all!! Big Sis walked away knowing that we truly have an evil egg donor and it was really painful for her to realize that. Sadly, I felt nothing at hearing about her last days. I felt absolutely nothing! I knew deep down that she had a demented view of herself and our life. Perhaps when she went into her rages she didn't know who she was or what she was doing, perhaps she had some kind of mental illness that caused her to not know reality...or perhaps I just want to believe that because she was my egg donor and I have a small piece of her inside me whether or not I like it! If she was evil to the core, if her heart was black all the way through, then that means I have evil genes...something I just don't want to admit.  I'm a good person, at least I like to think I am. I try to be nice to everyone, smile at the right times, be pleasant and helpful. I never hit my child, I teach him right from wrong without violence. I aim to please my husband and those around me because it makes me happy to see those I love happy. But is there an evil gene sitting there dormant waiting to rise to the surface? Have I maybe passed that evil gene on to my son? I pray to whatever god might be out there that the answer is NO!

The thing that amazes me most is my lack of shock or surprise or even hurt feelings when I heard how the egg donor lay there acting like nothing bad ever happened in our family. Big Sis said it was weird because she talked like we were the freaking Brady Bunch or something. As Big Sis sat there all she wanted to ask was "if you loved us so much why did you beat us every single day?" but instead she puked on the floor (yes I did LOL when I heard that) and walked out of the room. She never saw our egg donor again. I felt horrible for Big Sis, she and I have always been so close and I wish I could have been there because I would not have let that old bag get away with that! I would have tore her a new one verbally! I am still full of anger and resentment and it would have been nice to vent that. Thus my Thoughtful Thursday posts...this is my vent, my ability to say the things I never could say before.

My final words will be a letter to the egg donor, words she'll never read but I should have said!

Dear Evil Egg Donor,

I sit here today as a grown woman, someone I feel has survived amazing feats and if I  were my daughter I would be so proud of me! I am a mother, I am a sister, I am a loyal wife, but most of all I am NOTHING like you!

I still remember the day you tried to kill my sister, holding the pillow over her face screaming at her that she was an evil devil spawn, I remember you holding that same pillow over my face screaming that I never should have been born! Because you did that, I can't have anything over my face EVER! I panic and feel my heart beat 100mph, I feel my breath stop in my throat and I cry out with soundless screams...just like I did that day you tried to kill me! Even a single layer sheet that I can practically see through throws me into a full panic attack! I also remember how you threw me into that closet and locked the door as a form of punishment, or how you made me go get the leather belt, metal yardstick or grampy's leather glove just so you could beat me with them. I remember so much terror and fear when I should remember nothing but love, laughter and fun when I think of my childhood days.

You hurt me beyond belief, you hurt us all so badly that the state had to come take us away from you. they had to pick us up at school because my big sister feared what you would do to us if the social worker showed up on your doorstep to take us when you were there. You probably would have locked the doors and killed us all rather than let someone let your dirty little secret out. That's one thing that makes me smile you know...the thought of you realizing that your children had been taken away from you and wouldn't be coming back. Oh I hope your heart ached, I hope for once you felt fear like I felt! I relish the thought of your suffering...I'm sure you were more worried about what we would tell them than you were about us in general. You claimed to have loved us, but honestly if that is love boy I would hate to see your expression of hatred!  I hope you spent your last few moments here on earth suffering and in pain, I hope your death was horrible and caused you 7 lifetimes of exchange for the 7 children you hurt every single day! Yes we still suffer deeply because of what you did!

I know that some of my siblings have turned to religion and claim that god has set them free from their pain and that they forgive you...I call that denial. If there truly was a god that could have removed that pain and suffering then he would have done it a hell of a lot sooner because I recall begging and pleading in prayer asking him to save us from that nightmare we were in. Instead of being released I just got another beating. So religion is not the answer for me because I find it hard to believe any merciful god would allow an evil person like you to have children in the first place! If he knows all and sees all then he knew, he saw and he did nothing! My therapy, my way of moving on is bonding with my big sister, being a better mother than you could ever dream of being. Basically when I don't know what to do, I just ask myself "what would the egg donor do?" then I do the if anything gives you comfort let it be the fact that at least you taught me what NOT to do!

I will close with this....I will forever be bitter and resentful for the life you stole from me. The childhood I had was nothing better than a living nightmare. I hope you know that it was you who made me this way! I sit here as a woman who has succeeded in life and you had nothing to do with it! You don't even get the right to be titled mother because you were no mother, you were just the egg donor!



Ok, now I feel like I can go bowl in my competition tonight and not have that dead weight sitting in the pit of my stomach. I was having a hard time only because I never got to say things and when Big Sis was telling me how she had watched the egg donor on her death bed not even caring to apologize I began to wish I had said something, wished that I had been there to let her know how I felt because honestly it would have felt good to tell her how horrible I feel she was for not recognizing what she did was wrong. Even if she couldn't help it, even if she had anger issues, she didn't have to take it out on us and she could have apologized and begged for forgiveness. If she had admitted she was wrong I might have felt something other than resentment and anger, I might have found the ability to feel at least I know there is no room for that because she doesn't deserve it!

From Blogger Pictures

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