My dishwasher broke recently, Mothers Day morning I awoke to find the dishes I had put into the dishwasher to be just as dirty as when they went in....and the cycle had already run! Of course it's not so easy to just shell out $700 or $800 bucks at the drop of a hat, so it'll be a couple weeks before a new dishwasher can be acquired...meaning mom has to wash dishes by hand!
For any normal, everyday kind of person this would just be a mere inconvenience....for me it's cause for flashbacks and nightmares. As I stand over the white metal sink washing and rinsing dishes I am suddenly taken back to that dark place where I am once again in the presence of evil. Once again I hear her voice breaking through the years screaming at me because that fork is not shining enough, I missed a spot on that spatula, I left a drop of water on the flat surface and now it'll leave a watermark and cause an ugly mark to sit there. I hear her throwing the dishes back into the sink screaming how I hadn't done it right and i need to stand there and do it over until I do get it right. Every fork must shine, every spoon must give a reflection upside down, every knife must be free of watermarks when they are put away. Every bowl must be squeaky clean, every plate must glow, every pot must be perfect once it comes out. I hear her voice screaming through the years and I freeze. I can't breath, I feel my heart beating in fear and suddenly I am in a very dark place that I must escape, I step away from the sink back into my reality and cry silent tears. It's not fair that she has this hold on me still, after all these years, but life isn't fair and she holds me tightly. I remember standing in the bucket of ice water because I had to go to the bathroom but the dishes weren't done the way she wanted so I had to stay and do them again....I had to pee into the bucket because I couldn't hold it any longer. I stood in a bucket of ice water mixed with my own urine until she gave me the ok to leave and wash the bucket I was made to stand in. My feet would go numb because she would add extra ice because she thought it would make me move faster...only it made me go slower and it was painful and my feet hurt just remembering it.
And so I found the one task I hate more than laundry...I think Thursday I'll explain why I hate laundry so much but today I just had to get this off my chest. Tomorrow I will go out and buy paper plates and cups, disposable silverware. Dear sweet hubby suggested it so I don't have the panic attacks. I'll still have to wash the pots and pans if I don't cook on the grill, but something tells me the next few weeks come rain or shine I'll be cooking on the grill just to avoid the task until hubby can buy me a new dishwasher! I know I am pathetic, I know I have to face my fears, I know the past is haunting me more than it should BUT I just can't do it right now. I feel too weak, I don't feel strong enough to take this on. I have spent the past few days trying to overcome and I simply can not...for some reason it's just too much.
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