1) My hubby is an amazing man and he can surprise me when I least expect it. He's not normally a touchy, feely, kind of guy so when I sat in the basement and cried because the voice in my head (aka the egg donor) was so obnoxiously loud it came as a surprise to me that he practically begged me to tell him what was wrong. I told him it had to do with her, but he insisted on hearing it anyway. So I explained about how the broken dishwasher and the stupid laundry made me hear her in my head, how him giving me a hard time about unfinished laundry was making her louder, and how I would give just about anything to shut her up! He wanted to know more, he wanted to know the details of why she was so loud and why simple tasks such as laundry and dishes effected me so drastically. I found that after telling him the details, she became quieter, I didn't hear her as loudly as before. The next day as I washed dishes she was just a vague whisper in the background and as I put laundry away she was actually silent for once! I didn't hear her there behind me yelling that I wasn't doing it right, it was AMAZING to say the least! I told hubby this and his response was that if he had the power to quiet her then by all means anytime I needed to talk, to get it out, all I needed to do was tell him and he would listen! I think it makes him feel good to have that kind of power over her, it makes me feel good too! I've found something she can't win over, a way to fight her off...I can't believe how easy it was and I wish I had discovered this a long time ago!
2) My son is a very talented boy, he can bring back memories of the funniest things. Just this week he brought back some memories that simply made me laugh, really truly laugh and it made him laugh when I shared them with him as well. See this week in art class they worked on origami and they made swans. Orion made me 3 swans at school, each one better than the one before. The first was orange, but the other two he made with pink paper because he knows how much I like pink. Then he made me a sailboat as well. So today he asked me if I knew how to make anything useful, apparently he's not enjoying making swans lol so I told him all I knew how to make was paper airplanes. We grabbed a couple pieces of paper and I showed him how to make an airplane, he followed my instructions well. Then he made another, and another, and another until he had 6 paper airplanes. he proceeded to fly them across the room over my head, run to where they all landed, and fly them back again. That is what took me back to when I was in 4th grade and this boy named Danny made airplanes at school. He would whiz them around the classroom and I was always amazed with his paper airplane making skills. He would draw the windows and little people sitting there and the pilot with a little hat on and he would fly them all over. Our teacher would of course confiscate the airplanes and put them into the airplane drawer at her desk. The drawer was full of paper airplanes by the end of the year and I would bet money that at least 95% of them were made by Danny. So I shared this with my boy and told him I didn't want to hear about him making paper airplanes in school cause I am betting the teachers nowadays dislike them as much as my 4th grade teacher did 30 years ago! It's just funny how i can still picture Danny perfectly in my minds eye flying airplanes over my head just like my boy did today.
3) As I watch my boy become a small man, I find myself not receiving as many hugs and signs of affection as I used to receive. In general it's an embarrassment to show affection of any kind or to receive it when it comes to the parents. I am more tolerated than say Dad...if dad attempts to show any affection (even if it's just in front of me) he gets yelled at. I feel lucky to not be there yet! However I have found that those rare moments when my boy hugs me or out of no where says "I love you mom!" it melts my heart and it melts away any bit of stress I was feeling! I feel lucky to know that I am loved by my child and oddly enough I actually feel a little sorry for the egg donor knowing that she did not hear those words from me and that the last words she ever heard from me were me telling her how angry I was with her for hurting us and how I would never forget and that I did not feel love for her as a normal child should and that she was the reason for that. I have bitter-sweet feelings about those last words...I feel sorry for her that she knew her child was upset with her for never appologizing for hurting us and I kinda feel bad that she had to go to her death knowing that if she had appologized I might have thought about making up with her and forgiving her for her evil ways. But since she never once said she was sorry, she lost that chance. I think that happens with kidnap victims and hostages too...feeling sorry for their captors instead of outright hatred. Maybe I'm just growing up and realizing it's no use to be angry anymore...but I doubt it.
Well it's Friday night and my boy actually wants to cuddle so I think I am going to go do just that because tomorrow he might not want anything to do with me lol
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