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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Thoughtful Thursday...the real thing

Ok so hubby convinced me. I came out of the office and he asked what I had posted for Thursday and I felt guilty. I hadn't posted much of anything except a bunch of excuses as to why I wasn't posting. Since writing my Thoughtful Thursdays, I have become a better person (IMHO) I actually have faced fears and I have moved through things. So today I will write about one of my greatest fears....the feeling of being trapped.

At this point, I will retitle this post "The closet under the stairs and My dog Spot"

When I was little if we were (in the egg donors eyes) really bad, we got put into the closet under the stairs. It was this small space, the door was about 4 feet tall and the closet was maybe 3 feet wide by 4 feet deep. The ceiling was the underside of the stair, sloping upward over your head. At one point I could stand up in there, but it wasn't long before that was impossible even for me, the littlest of all of us. The vast majority of the time we were tossed in there by the hair on our head and the door would be slammed in our face and locked from the outside. You could kick and scream and slam the door with your fist....but no amount of begging or pleading would get you released! There was a single bulb that hung from a chain just inside the door, you could pull the little chain and make the bulb light up and at least then you had something to see by. If you had really angered the egg donor the bulb was removed when you were thrown in there so that you sat in complete darkness until released!

My stuffed dog Spot was my only companion when I was in the closet!

As you can see, I still have Spot, I used to lift up his little ear and whisper all my secrets into his ear so no one would hear. I would hold him close to my heart so that I knew I wasn't alone in the darkness. His eyes used to be cloth eyes, but they fell off years ago and at first I used a marker to draw eyes on, but once I got into foster care I managed to replace the eyes with the ones he has now. His ear that I used to lift all the time was hanging on by a little bit of material, so I bought some black felt and made it the right shape and fixed him up so he could hear once again. The little blanket wrapped around him USED to be baby blue (can you believe it) When I was about 4 or 5 years old I found that material and poked some holes in it to poke his legs through and I wrapped it around him so he wouldn't be cold (yes, that material has been on Spot for 35 years). And although you can't really see them, he is actually covered in little spots of gray and thus his name of Spot.

Spot has been my constant friend no matter what goes on. He has been with me through every major event in my life. I am so glad I had a heads up the day I was told a lady would pick me up at school so that I could take him with me to school and keep him with me all these years. He was even by my side when my son was born! Spot is my lifelong friend bought for me the day I was born by my Grammy Grace!

Anyway, Spot was there in the closet with me but I was still afraid. I learned to be afraid of the dark, afraid of small places and any room I am in I must be able to see the escape or I will panic. So when hubby suggested we move the office to the basement so that Orion could have this room to play in with his friends....I got scared! I still am! How am I going to be able to work in the basement with only one small window that I can't climb out of and concrete all around me? I have a hard enough time being down in the basement long enough to put laundry in the washer or dryer. I get all wigged out! The one window is in the overhang so not a lot of light comes in and if I'm down there during the night (since I tend to work the overnight shifts) it's going to be very hard to deal with....especially if the power goes out! Spot is going to have to go to the basement with me, he's going to have to be the strong one for us both....I just don't know if he'll be enough! I just don't know what I can do to make the room less scary! The only thing I do know is that I must do it, I must overcome the fear and I will survive somehow simply because I must!


Thus ends Thoughtful Thursday for this week! Enjoy your weekend!

From Blogger Pictures

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