Fun day at the beach..........

Took Orion to the beach today to hang out with my in-laws....as you can see in the pictures, he had a lot of fun!

A clam and sea worm that Orion found and observed for awhile

A fish that Orion drew in the sand
Orion and his grandmother

Oops.....

It's been over a week since I posted anything on here, just been busy I guess. I had to take Orion to the dentist for his annual cleaning and check-up only to find out that another of his adult teeth grew in without enamel in one spot so we'll have to get that repaired. This has happened with almost every single one of his teeth so far....even his baby teeth grew in this way. When they come through they look great but as they grow in there seems to always be one little spot that has no enamel at all, it's just not there so the dentist has to fill it in so that his teeth don't rot out. What sucks about that is the fact that the dental insurance will only cover the white fill-in material on front teeth, back teeth like molars they will only pay for the mercury based silver stuff that no dentist in our area will use! SO the insurance company pays for what they believe the cost of the silver stuff should be and we get to pay the rest out of pocket...generally about $75 to $100 per tooth depending on how big the spot is! This one is smaller so it'll be closer to the $75 range, but it still bites...I feel the dental insurance company should step up and pay more since there isn't a dentist around who will use the mercury based silver fillings anymore....besides the point that this isn't your everyday kind of cavity, this is just how his teeth grow in. If this were a bone that grew improperly and he needed surgery to fix it the insurance would cover the majority of the cost so why not for his teeth as well? We'll pay for it simply because we have to and we don't want the kids teeth rotting out of his head before he's 12 but it's an added financial burden.

In other news, the weather has been great so we've spent a lot of time outdoors enjoying it while it lasts! We went out to Water Wizz again, played at my mother-in-laws friends pools and enjoyed hanging out with her and her neighbors, but mostly it's just here in the back yard with squirt guns and sprinklers and the like. It's been great seeing the bright yellow ball in the sky all day then having a great thunderstorm for the evening.

One thing we did do recently was Orion and I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie. We had heard it was supposed to be the closest to the book out of all the movies...I say the guy never picked up the book, he briefed through it at best! Some really vital information is left out leaving us wondering how the heck they will bring this information into play in the last movie concidering the majority of it is stuff involving Dumbledore who is now dead! The worst part was the fact that they showed numerous scenes that weren't even in the book and they could have used those scenes to give you the information they left out if they had been smart! This movie left me more angry than the Prisoner Of Azkaban one..... and that one left me pretty mad so that's saying a lot! I have NEVER left a movie feeling so disappointed! I don't know why they keep using this director...the only HP movie he didn't direct....Order of Pheonix....was the only one that was close to the book and kept to the story line! Sadly I have heard he is directing the last boook as well, which will be split into 2 movies, and a part of me doesn't even want to bother because I'm afraid of the hack-job he'll do to it! The HP books are great stories, he should try reading the books before making a movie about them!

That's about it for me, I'm off to make sure Orion ate his breakfast and to make some coffee. We're supposed to be going to the Cub Scout Rocket Derby this afternoon (they all made rockets and today is lauch day) then tomorrow we go have his eyes examined to see how un-lazy his left eye has gotten. I hope we see improvement, they said if he wore his glasses 6 hours a day he probably wouldn't need the glasses anymore by the time he's 10. He going to be 9 soon, so we're holding our breath hoping he can get rid of them for good...he hates wearing his glasses for one simple reason....when he wears them he looks EXACTLY like his mother and what almost 9 year old boy wants to look like a girl???

Flashy Friday

It's once again time to flashback and look into the dark depths that was my life. Review things from the past and see if I can find any lessons that can be learned from these events.

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For those who are new to Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is my cheap therepy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Flashy Friday

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Today my "mother thoughts" are easy...I feel like CRAP...yes I said the "C word" that I keep telling my son to erase from his vocabulary but at least I can get the context right and not use it in every single sentence I say lol Besides I'm feeling miserably sick with back ache (that I have had for about 2 weeks now) sore throat, stomach ache and an overall feeling of ick! Why would this make me think of my mother???? Well, quite frankly, everytime I get sick I am reminded of one event in particular and of course it has to do with her.

I was about 7 or 8 years old, sick as a dog, barely able to stand on my own two feet. I was running a pretty good fever, dizzy everytime I stood up (or even sat up for that matter) and vomiting like there's no tomorrow. I'm sure it was a very nasty case of the flu....since I now know what the symptoms are and they fit. I had stayed home sick one day, which irritated my mother to no end but she had let me stay home and I slept pretty much all day. I couldn't keep anything down so she didn't have to worrry about feeding me or anything like that, and I was pretty good at crawling to the bathroom to throw up so I wouldn't have to change my own sheets on my bed or even worse, lay in my own throw up because she sure as heck wasn't changing any sheets.

Day 2 she decided I had been home long enough and that I needed to go to school. I woke up throwing up still, feverish and feeling aweful. She made me get out of bed anyway. I cried to her that I was sick, I begged and pleaded with her to let me stay home, I knew there was no way I was walking the mile to school (actually it was just under the mile line so that's why I had to walk) YES I walked to school UPHILL BOTH WAYS! (As I have explained to my son who does not believe that's possible, I lived on one side of the hill, the school was on the bottom on the other side of the hill, therefore it was uphill then downhill going to and from school) Anyway (sory to get sidetracked there but most people laugh when you say such a thing and I feel the need to explain my pain and suffering lol ) Anyway.....onward here....I remember getting out of bed and walking across the living room floor directly into the wall. I remember my sister laughing at me and my mother yelling at me that I was faking just to get out of going to school. I don't know where she got that idea since I simply LOVED school....it was my one escape from her, why wouldn't I love it and why would I want to stay away from it.....never claimed the woman had any common sense! So I walked into the wall and she yelled at me, forced some clothing onto me and had my brother and sister assist me in walking to school. I managed to get to school, threw up in the bathroom (and a few times on the walk) then I went to my classroom and lay my head on my desk. I felt simply horrid! I was sent to the school nurse who ever so kindly called my mother to come and get me. She explained how sick I was and that I would be in the nurses office until my mother got there. She never came! I remember lying in the bed at the nurses office hearing the kids run out to recess, wishing I could go out with them. I remember hearing them line up outside her office as they waited for lunch, some of them talking about me and how my mother hadn't showed up yet...I was humiliated and embarrassed that they all knew she had not cared enough to come. 2:30 rolled around and the nurse allowed my brother and sister to walk me home with a note for my mother saying I should stay home for a couple more days....do you think she let me???? NOPE she sent me back every single day. I spent all week sleeping in the nurses office all day and being walked to and from school by my brother and sister. Not once did the school call social services...I don't know why they didn't. I mean seriously, think about it, a mother sends her sick kid to school refuses to keep her home regardless of the fact that the school has suggested she stay home. By day 3 I remember hearing the nurse say to my teacher that it would be useless to call the mother and to just let me sleep in her office until the end of the day. She was a great nurse and took great care of me but I can't help but wonder if they couldn't have saved me from a few years of suffering if they had only called social services instead of my mother!

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Growing pains....anyone remember having them??? I sure do! I remember that burning sensation in my shins and rubbing them really hard and fast because the heat of the friction made them feel better. I remember my brothers and sisters saying that I was exagerating, my mother saying I needed to stop trying to get attention, and my legs hurting so bad I could barely walk. After a few days the pain would subside and I would be a bit taller...I distinctly remember those days and it's a good thing I do because now I can sympathize with my son who apparently has inherited these same growth spurts and growing pains. He cries out in the night with pain in his legs, he kicks and thrashes around all night long, if I rub his shins it helps ease his pain and he manages to get some sleep. Motrin helps some, tylenol is useless, nothing but the rubbing or a heating pad will truly help ease the pain enough to help him sleep. I have this bag I put in the microwave that heats up, he likes that on his shins and it seems to help, but he says the rubbing is even better so I sit up most the night rubbing his shins so he can sleep (and I wonder why I'm sick) The poor kid has been suffering the past 3 nights...on the plus side he's grown 1/4 inch so far and it should only be a couple more days if he stays on pattern. Yes...I posted that correctly he's grown 1/4 inch..I measured him on Tuesday and he was 55 1/4 inches tall. Then yesterday morning he was saying he felt taller so I put him against the chart and he was 55 1/2 inches tall. Barefoot both times and I made sure he wasn't on tip-toes! He is now less than 1 foot shorter than me...less than a foot!!!! He is the same exact height I was when I went into foster care at just over 11 years old and he weighs about 15 pounds heavier than I was at the time (I was 4 feet seven 1/2 inches and weighed in at 47 pounds) Orion is 4 feet seven and 1/2 inches and weighs in at 63 pounds...and the doctor and I are working to get that up...the adderrall makes it hard for him to gain weight! Needless to say, he's a bit healthier than I was and concidering I was that height at 11 years old he'll definately be taller than me in no time! I just wish there was a way to make it less painful for the poor kid, growing pains are no fun!

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I'm feeling pretty ichy still and Orion is watching cartoons quietly. I think I'll get off this computer and go join him...he's a good enough kid that if I'm lucky he'll make me some tea and tuck me up in a blanket and cuddle with me until I start to feel better. He hates it when mom is sick but he likes to take care of me so I'm off to be pampered. I hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy your loved ones and have some fun!

A funny story that I just have to share....

I was driving Orion over to his friends house to play today when we pass a couple of teenagers. One of the boys happens to be wearing the same shirt that Orion had on...here is our conversation.....

Me: "Hey Orion look that boy has on the same shirt as you"

Orion: "Is he with a girl?"

Me: "What?"

Orion: "Is he with a girl?"

Me: "Why do you need to know that?"

Orion: "Well I was just wondering if he was with a girl or not"

Me: "But WHY are you asking that?"

Orion: " Well I was wondering if a girl would like me in this shirt!"

Apparently girls opinions are very important!

Flashy Friday

Time again to Flashback into my past and see what lessons I have learned

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Let's get my mother out of the way since I have the hardest time talking about her.

This memory is a one that I don't think I'll ever forget, it was the day the little girl who lived across the street got me the beating of a lifetime.

At school I had talked about "my cat" We had a lot of cats living in our house and I really liked to call one of them in particular (her name was Kit Kat) mine. So I had been talking about "my cat" and Patty had overheard. She was a year or 2 older than I was and very very nosey! So that afternoon I was out in my front yard playing with a couple of the cats and she yells across the street "Hey Deb, which one is yours?" I knew that she was being sarcastic, I knew that she didn't believe that any of the cats actually belonged to me, so I just ignored her. Afterall, the cats were all family cats so they were technically all part mine right??? WRONG!!

My older sister overheard Patty calling to me from across the street and laughed, she knew I was gonna be in trouble. My mother came out and sat on the step waiting and Patty again calls across the street "Deb, I asked which one is yours?" then she proceeds to walk her nosey butt across the street to my yard just to be sure I had heard her. My mother yelled at her to get back home and grabbed me by the arm, drags me into the house demanding to know why Patty would ask me such a question. I tried to worm my way out of it....Patty must have misunderstood what I was saying to someone else, I was sorry but I couldn't help what other people thought. She didn't buy it for one second...so I had to tell the truth, that I had called one of the cats "my cat" in a conversation that Patty overheard. That woman made me march to the living room door where she hung the leather belt and bring it back to her. She made me stand there with my hands on the back of the couch and simply said "you cry you get more!" She whooped my behind so many times it was impossible not to cry so I got plenty and was sent to bed with no supper...all because Patty had to go and open her big fat mouth!

That day I simply learned to not call anything that wasn't mine...mine and to never let Patty overhear anything I ever said again! I know she didn't mean to get me into trouble and I am sure she didn't know I was gonna get such a beating for saying one of the cats was mine, but I was pretty bitter with her for quite some time after that one for sure.

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When I was in 6th grade I learned about how unfair life can be (as if I hadn't already learned this lesson from my parents) Anyway, I was new to foster care, having been placed just a few months prior to starting this new school. It was a BIG school compared to my tiny one level 4 room school. This one had 2 classrooms for every grade k thru 6th and even though each class only had maybe 12 or 15 kids in it, it was still a lot bigger for me. I had just come from a tiny school where the entire 6th grade class would have consisted of about 10 kids!

Anyway, I was out on recess...there was no field, no dirt, no trees. My old school had a giant field, tons of dirt, trees we could play in etc. This place was all blacktop and I was not overly thrilled. There was a chainlink fence and I would just go sit beside it, missing my old school wishing I could have stayed there. It was here against the fence that it happened....this boy named David pushed me against the fence, he held my hands behind my back, forcing himself on me. I tried to yell, I tried to holler, but he threatened me and went about his business....and when he was done he released me promising me that he would do that to me every day!

I screamed at him "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!" The teacher heard me and told me to get against the wall, swearing was not allowed! I tried to tell her what had happened, trying to figure out why she couldn't see the fence marks on my face or the torn clothing, but she would hear none of it. She simply said that there was no excuse to use such language and I was to go sit against the wall until the end of recess.....David walked away smirking, I walked to the wall...at least here I would be safe from him. My friend Angel came over and asked what happened, I told her and she went inside. The end of recess bell rang and I lined up with the other kids, once I got to my classroom I put my head on my desk and cried. The school nurse came in shortly after that, said something to my teacher and escorted me out of the classroom. Apparently Angel had told her what happened. She asked why I didn't tell the teacher on duty, I explained how I tried but the teacher was more concerned with the fact that I had said the word "fuck" than WHY I said it or why I was using it to tell this boy to get away from me. The nurse shook her head, I was allowed to go home early and the next day I returned to school as if nothing had happened....as did David.

I later found out that David was in his 3rd attempt at 6th grade, had attempted to do this to other girls but I was the first that he succeeded with. I never went to that corner of the fence again, I never went more than 10 feet from a teacher because I was so afraid of him and I knew the only way anyone would do anything was if they saw him doing it. I was the broken child, the foster kid, so therefore I didn't seem to be believed as much as the other kids. Perhaps they thought I was trying to get attention, perhaps they thought I was exagerating since I had ben molested and abused so much, perhaps they thought it was just me being fearful because of my past...but whatever it was...IT WAS WRONG! They should have listened to me, they should have gone to the police, they should have helped me, they should have punished him and not me. I was the victim, yet I was the one standing against the wall.

From this experience I learned not to trust even more. I also learned how unfair life is and ways to commit suicide...or at least ways to attempt it. It wasn't until almost 10 years down the road that I would learn to stand up for myself and fight back, my freshman year of college I took some self defense courses thinking how great they would have been back in 6th grade! Just the other day I was looking through a photo album of one of my classmates on facebook...he is Davids younger brother. In his album I came across a photo of David and a knot built in my stomach...I remembered the event like it was yesterday and decided to post about it and leave it there....sitting in my yesterdays, gone but not fully forgotten.

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4th of July....I love the fireworks! One good memory I do have as a kid is going to the big field, laying the blanket out on the hood of the car and watching the fireworks. They never cease to amaze me, whether in real life or on a TV I still feel a childish giddy feeling everytime I see them! I hope this year we don't have rain so I can go with my family....I'm taking the night off so that we can go together but I can't take too many nights off or I won't make any money and will fail to pay my bills lol SO here's hoping for some good weather for everyone so that everyone can feel like a child again and enjoy some fireworks!

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And so I close this weeks Flashy Friday. I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July and remember to be thankful to all those soldiers out there fighting to keep us safe and free!

God Bless the Soldiers and their families!

Fun at the water park

The sun finally came out and we had a really great day to go to the water park and have some fun in the sun!

Here's hubby with Orion

Orion coming down Hurricane Carol
Orion happy to be at Water Wizz for the first time this summer :)

Orion and Mom

Under the waterfalls

Orion and mom coming off the tube slide

Orion and mom coming down the tube slide

Orion coming down

Orions smile...I just love to see that :)

An attempt at a family picture lol neither of us has arms long enough to get everyone in and then Orion has to close his eyes....at least you can tell we were happy and it was a good day all around....an no I'm not that short I was crouched down to try to fit into the picture with everyone, normally I'm almost as tall as hubby, he only has about an inch on me.

Flashy Friday

I had this all typed out on Thursday night, however Blogger was unable to save so I saved it in notebook and kept it to post. So here's Flashy Friday a little late

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Here we are, another Friday (ok so it's not quite Friday yet, but it will be in a couple hours and I have nothing better to do right now so deal with it lol) It's time for me to share with ya'all my thoughts for the week.
For those who are new to Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is my cheap therepy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Flashy Friday
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My mother was a difficult woman to live with, she expected things to be a certian way and expected her kids to be seen but not heard. If I spoke out of line, if I did something wrong, even if I didn't do anything other than just be a kid I was beaten. Sometimes she got out of hand, sometimes she did extreemly dangerous things...for instance once I clearly remember her holding a pillow over my face on the bed screaming at me that I was supposed to be a pill and since that failed I was supposed to be a back alley abortion that she couldn't afford! Apparently, as my siblings often reminded me, my mother had been on birth control when I was conceived. Perhaps she forgot a pill, perhaps it failed her, I really don't know, all I know is that I was not supposed to exist. In her defense...I was the youngest of 7 children, I could see her not wanting anymore. When she found out that she was pregnant, apparently she wanted a back alley abortion as Roe V. Wade had not taken effect and it was not yet legal to terminate pregnancy. Mother couldn't afford a back alley and my father either couldn't afford it or refused to pay, either way I was forced upon her. She tried drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot of cigarrettes only to let me be born with fetal alcohol syndrome and withdrawals, she attempted to throw herself down a flight of stairs only to get some bruises and me. I was told these stories on a regular basis, as though being told I was not wanted might make me go away in the very least it would hurt me emotionally and cause me pain that way. Since mother had to suffer, so did I...and so I suffered on a regular basis. She was nothing but a pure bully! Holding that pillow over my face, screaming at me how I was not wanted, how I shouldn't even exist hurt me beyond words. It hurt physically as my lungs burned trying to breath, it hurt as I felt her weight on my body trying to force the life out of me, but more than the physical pain I suffered from this torment emotionally. It hurt me to know she did not love me, that she did not want me,that she wished I did not exist on this planet. It broke my heart to know that I truly was not wanted in the least. The physical pain healed as my big brother pulled her off me, I sputtered and coughed, my ribs hurt for a few days, but that all eventually went away. What didn't heal were the scars that could not be seen, the emotional damage that was done, the trauma inflicted upon my very soul. My mother did not love me and she wished that I were dead!
You might ask what would cause a woman to act in this manner? What could cause a mother to react so harshly? Do you really want to know.....I'll tell you...it was all because I had misplaced her favorite hairbrush! I wasn't supposed to use it, I wasn't supposed to touch it even, but I wanted to brush my hair and make it pretty like hers was, I wanted it to shine and bounce just like moms....but I got distracted and laid it down somewheres and not where it was supposed to be, I didn't return it to its proper spot and I was cought! Practically killed over a hairbrush....how sad! Honestly the only thing I learned from all this was to make sure I tell my son every single day how much I love him, how proud of him I am and how much I love that he's in my life!
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The sun came out for a few minutes today...it's the first we've seen of it in quite some time. My son says it's been 3 1/2 weeks since we had good weather, honestly I had lost track of how long it's been but you can usually count on my boy when it comes to time so I'm taking his word for it! It's amazing how we take for granted the ability to get outside, get some fresh air and play. We don't pay attention to how great a thing that is until it's been 3 1/2 weeks and you're stir crazy mad! Cabin fever was definately in full force and it was nice to get out into the yard. We found a snake out there, a harmless garden snake, but a snake none the less. As I watched my son reach down and just grab it, hold it up in the air and say " you wanna hold it Mom?" I had to smile. He was so proud and happy to be holding this snake, so thrilled to realize that snakes are not slimy but really are smooth and cold. He put it in the bug observatory for a few hours, watched it slither around and was fascinated by this one creature. He pretended to hiss at it in parsel-tongue (anyone who has read Harry Potter knows what that is) and pretended the snake could talk back. Although I did not hear it hiss even once, apparently it told him all about how it was a good snake who was carrying the message that Voldemort was hiding behind the bush and if we wanted to kill him we had to sacrifice ourselves to protect those we loved just like Harry's mother did for him. It was wonderful to watch him be carefree and have some great fun, I also realized that adults need to find their imagination again because life is way more interesting when you can talk to snakes.
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I'm going to conclude this weeks Flashy Friday here......honestly that first one took a lot of willpower to write and it weighs heavy upon my heart. I hate that my mother hated me so much, I don't hink I'll ever understand that. So for now...thanks for listening and I hope everyone who reads this hugs their children close and has a great weekend!

Still waiting for summer to get here

I know what the calendar said, it said that summer has already arrived but I have yet to see one ounce of it! I have seen nothing but cold wind and rain and grey clouds hanging over my head! My creative 8 year old wants to go camping but with this kind of weather it just ain't happening so this is what he came up with as an alternative

My Urban Rebounder with balance bar has become the entrance to the tent and imaginary fire pit...the red blanket is the fire lol The strechy flannel sheet that is only used in the winter because it's soooooo warm has become the tent, the swiffer duster became the center support pole (at least he didn't use something sharp and pointy on my couch) He laid out blankets and they are supposed to be the sleeping bags (not sure why he didn't just use real sleeping bags but what do you want he's 8) I have helped him maintain the tent for 2 days now as the cats try to see who can collapse it first.....even better if Orion is inside it, then it's see who can trap the boy inside lol

He has a couple of sticks that he has been using as imaginary fire pokers and marshmellow sticks, he occassionally can be heard yelling "OUCH OUCH I'M BURNING!!!" as he jumps and bounces in the firepit, and he likes to just lay in there playing his Nintendo DS as if he were really camping. He lays in there to watch TV, he lays in there playing his X-Box, he lays in there to read a book or just relax with one of our many fur-babies (we have 5 cats and a dog so there's usually someone willing to cuddle in there)

The downside to all this......I've lost my living room until the sun decides to shine!

Dear Verizon...yet again

Wanna see my first letter go here

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Another month has passed and I happen to actually look at my bill again BEFORE paying up...obviously you THOUGHT I might be stupid enough to not look again, but like I said last time ....thought shit his britches, or at least he thought he did! Sure enough sitting there under my additional internet services was 2, yes 2 charges for that webspace I have repeatedly told you I do not want!! Yet again I pick up the phone and call your wonderful customer service department, I am a kind person but even Jesus Christ himself had his limits and let me tell ya I really feel for these poor people who have to answer the phone when I call. I know it's not their fault, but they happen to be who I get to talk to about this and as the saying goes...shit rolls downhill!

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The poor girl who answered the phone said that she saw in my records that this matter had been turned over to the IT department and if I could hold on for a minute she would be able to talk to the person I spoke with last month and find out the status of my claim. 20 minutes later (like I have nothing better to do with my time) she comes back on the line. The gentleman I spoke with last time says that he has escalated my claim to get the attention of the IT department. I asked her what the issue was exactly, why can't she just remove this from my service? She claims that it doesn't show up on my account, it's somewhere in the background somewheres and only shows up on the bill every month. Apparently there's nothing on my account for her to remove and she really wishes she could remove it but she simply can't.

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What I don't understand is how this is not on my account but shows up on my bill every month and not only that but it shows up TWICE every month!

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The poor girl who had the pleasure of answering my call today credited my account yet again for these 2 charges, I seriously hope I do not have to call you again next month! If I do have to call again, I seriously pity the poor fool who answers the phone because they are going to be dealing with one very pissed off person! This has been going on for 4 months now...4 months people! Seriously, get your shit in gear! I know that since you are the only company who offers FIOS service here in my town I am stuck with you, but that doesn't mean you can bill me for services I do not want or use!

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Sincerely,

One very Disgruntled and Dissatisfied Customer!

Flashy Friday....wow that was fast!

What happened to the week? How did it go by so fast???

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*** Flashy Friday is my own unique idea, something I intend to do pretty much every Friday...I flash back through my week, month, years, whatever I feel like flashing back to and the lessons I may have learned. In general I try to flash through 2 to 3 events each Friday. ***

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20 years ago I graduated high school...yes 20 years!!!! Somehow that makes me feel really, really old! How could it possibly have been 20 years since I entered the "real world" full of hopes, dreams, and some demented view of what life was going to be like now that I was "all grown up"?

20 years is a LONG time, 2 decades, 1/5 of a century, how the heck did that happen?? Was it really that long ago? The thought just blows my mind!!

20 years ago I thought I knew it all, I thought I was going to go off to college, I would have a double major in Physical Education and Psychology. I thought within 20 years I would be a successful PE Teacher and Guidance Counselor, I thought I would be making some pretty good money, have a couple of kids of my own, be married to someone who looked like my first love John Kenealy or my elementary crush Danny Satre. I knew it wouldn't be either of them, afterall John Keneally was my 7th grade PE teacher and already married with children and had refused my proposal when I was 12. (YES I honestly professed my love to the man, asked him to divorce his wife and marry me when I was 12 years old in his gym class LOL) Danny Satre, well he was not in my league. I was shy and akward where he was outgoing and Mr. Popularity.....but boy was he cute. He was 1 day older than me, we went to school together all our lives..... except that first year of foster care. Little did I know 20 years ago!

20 years later I'm a Virtual Customer Service Rep. working from home so I can take care of my wild and crazy ADHD son when he's not in school....at least here I can use my psychology education to analyze him and try to figure out the best way to parent him since my birth mother tought me only how NOT to raise him. I am his teacher and counselor and that's about as close as I will ever come to that part of my dream. My husband only resembles John Kenealy and Danny Satre in one respect...I fell in love with him at first sight...only this time it was true love, not some 5 year olds crush or 12 year olds desire to have a father figure (which in all reality is probably what I was looking for when I asked John to marry me) 20 years later, I am a happier person than I was, but I can admit I have problems and ask for help when those problems get to be too big for me. I now realize that life isn't what I dreamt it would be, marriage isn't something out of a fairy tale but more like a job that I have to work at and fight to keep maintained and strong. I realize kids are NOT as easy to deal with as I thought it would be, babysitting nieces and nephews and other returnable children is NOT an indication of how well prepared I am to have children of my own. NOTHING prepares you for that!

20 years is a long time, I can't wait to reflect and think about all the things I have no clue about now in another 20 years!

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Today is my sons last day of 3rd grade, I can't believe it! I don't know how that happened, seems like yesterday I was taking him to his first day of preschool! Where did the time go? Even bigger it seems, he's now 8 3/4 years old, in 3 months my son will be 9 years old! That means that it's been almost a full decade since my life changed completely....I found out I was carrying a child and my whole world changed. I suddenly had someone else to worry about, someone else who would be relying on me to make sure they turned out okay....how did this happen so quickly? I swear once I saw that positive pregnancy test someone pressed the fast forward button on my life and got it jammed! Once he came out of my body they hit that button again (like on the DVD player where you can go fast or super fast) and now it's really stuck and before I know it he's going to be in his last day of high school or college or getting married or having children! He's going to be 9 years old...in another 9 he'll be officially an adult.....could someone PLEASE direct me toward the pause button??? These past 9 years went by way too fast, I don't want the next 9 to happen quite so quickly. I have so much to teach him still, so much to share with him, there's no way he's already 1/2 way to being an adult, just not possible. I can only hope in the next 9 years I can teach him everything right, I can turn him into a good strong man, that in 9 more years he'll still love hanging out with dear old Mom, going bowling and having dates with me on Friday nights. I hope I win out over the girls...but something tells me in another 9 years I'll be sitting at home on Friday nights waiting for my baby to come home safe and sound.

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Last week I told you that calling my childhood a nightmare was a fair title for it, I also said I wouldn't go into details on that post....I think in order to help myself heal, in order to come to terms with my childhood from now on each week will have one flash from those first 11 years. If I can put it into words my heart can heal, if I can put it into words where others can read them, then maybe, just maybe, someone else will read it and they too can heal.

I will start with my mother, she's the easiest to remember and deal with. I only suffered physical abuse from her and it's mild compared to the stuff my father, brother and uncle did to me. If I can get beyond her and the pain she caused then I can face the harder stuff.

One of my memories of my mothers abuse was when I was around 4 or 5 years old. Mother always liked back rubs and it was my job to make sure she got one. She always wanted it at night and I would get so tired that my eyes would close no matter how hard I fought to keep them open, I was, afterall, only a child. I remember sitting there on the couch rubbing her back in circles, then up and down and then side to side. My hand began to get slower as I grew more tired. I fought the sleep, I tried with every breath of my being to stay awake. Suddenly I was sailing off the couch and across the room, the sting of her backhand on my cheek. "What the hell are you doing? Did I tell you that you could stop?" Reality set in, I must have fallen asleep. "I'm sorry mommy! I fell asleep. I'm so very tired, could I please go to bed?" "Not until you're done your job!"

**and yes I remember it that clearly!**

I went back to rubbing her back but within minutes sleep is taking over and again I am feeling my eyes close no matter how hard I try to keep them open. I feel my hand slowing down, I tell myself not to stop rubbing, I tell myself not to fall asleep but I can't win this battle! She grabbed me by the hair on my head, she dragged me off the couch to stand in front of her. "What did I say to you?" "I could sleep when I was done rubbing your back" "That's right so why are you stopping?" "I'm sorry mommy, I'm just so tired I can't help it!" "I don't care, get back to work!" I go back to rubbing, but I'm ever so tired and I just can't physically stay awake any longer, I can not control it

WHACK...there's the leather belt aside my head. WHACK....there it is again. WHACK....a 3rd time. WHACK, WHACK, WHACK...over and over again!

Finally, after a good beating I'm sent to bed because according to mother I am useless, lazy, good for nothing and tomorrow I will rub her back twice as long to make up for the time she lost tonight.

Perhaps that's why I hate giving my hubby backrubs, perhaps that's why I cringe when he asks me to rub his sore muscles, perhaps now that I understand where it comes from I can turn it around and change it, perhaps now I can heal just a little.

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And this concludes another Flashy Friday, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Enjoying my last full day of quiet

Tomorrow Orion only has a half day of school, he gets out at 12:25pm and then it's

SUMMER VACATION!!!!!!!

So today is my last day of a quiet house for the summer, the last day to slack off and nap on the couch, last day to just do nothing. Starting tomorrow afternoon I'll turn into an entertainer for a few months.

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Talk about disappointing kids, the school announced today at the end of the day that dismissal will be at 1:05pm, not at the 12:25 pm previously announced! Boy oh boy do I have a really mad kid right now!

The many faces of Orion

I've seen photo posts in many blogs that I have browsed through, and I just thought it was a really neato idea so I figured at least for this week I will follow suit and make my own photo post :) The posts I have previously seen had only 1 photo and were called "Wordless Wednesday", but when it comes to my boy I can't seem to pick just one and I know this post won't be wordless, honestly I don't think it possible for me to make a post without some words lol so here is the many faces of Orion ....my version of a fun photo post on a Wednesday :)

With his hair pulled back into a pony tail (a.k.a. what Orion would look like with short hair)

As a complete goofball

With that long hair all flared out (a.k.a. what Orion would look like if the 80's big hair came back into style lol)

Just a happy boy (a.k.a. the rarest of photos)

Back to being a goofbal (a.k.a. what the vast majority of my photos of Orion look like)

Flashy Friday

*** Flashy Friday is my own unique idea, something I intend to do pretty much every Friday...I flash back through my week, month, years, whatever I feel like flashing back to and the lessons I may have learned. In general I try to flash through 2 to 3 events each Friday. ***

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When I was a kid growing up, life was pretty rough. I lived in an abusive environment for the first 11 1/2 years of my life which resulted in me having numerous "irrational" fears. One of my biggest fears is closed in places. I simply MUST have a window in any room I am in or I will become edgy and twitchy very quickly. My heart pounds, my breathing becomes rapid and my palms begin to sweat. This is all caused by my evil mother thinking it was ok to punish my wrong doings by locking me in a little closet under the stairs...literally. It was in our living room, a small door that went to the storage closet under the stairs, there was one small light in there but mother often took the bulb, closed the door and left me in there in the dark. The timing was always different and I never knew how long I would be in there for, it was dark and scary. I had a little stuffed dog that I kept in there, I would hold his little ear up and whisper into it all my fears, feelings, angry thoughts and desire to be kidnapped by anyone so as to not have to live with this rotten woman any longer. He kept me sane and to this day I hold him dear to my heart...I'm ever so thankful that I thought to take him to school with me that fateful day when the nice lady from social services picked me up at school and took me away from the nightmare that was my life....being locked in the closet was the mildest of my punishments but I won't go into details about the rest in this post, but calling my childhood a nightmare is a fair judgement.

It's been 27 years since that day when social services came to my school and took me away and to this day I can't even go through the tunnels in Boston without feeling panic. I have learned to control the fear to an extent, but I think it will always be there in the back of my mind.

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This past Monday was field day at my sons school. The school finally processed my CORI report and I was able to volunteer as a helper for the day. It was nice to be out on the field watching all the kids play and remembering what it was like when I was little, but even better was being able to watch my son in action and realize he's a pretty cool kid! He's at the age where it's NOT COOL to talk to your mom in front of the other children and most definately NOT COOL to hug her in public...but Monday I not only was spoken to, smiled at and thanked for being there in front of his entire grade (about 125 kids) BUT I WAS HUGGED!!!! Not to mention how great he was at following the instructions and rules of the games we played, how fast he ran around the race course and how very polite he was to all the parents and teachers alike. Since he has ADHD and is basically only medicated at school, I don't get to see this side of him very often.....it was very refreshing to watch and I can now understand just how good this wonder drug Adderall really is! It was also nice to see that I really have done a good job so far (in my humble opinion of course) he let the girls go first, he ignored the obnoxious boys and didn't join in when they were misbehaving but rather stood quietly to get the instructions and then cheered on his fellow teammates. I actually heard please, thank you, excuse me and no thank you....perfect manners from a kid I thought had lost all manners when he turned 3! Again...not something I get to see or hear very much at home, so it was nice to know he really hasn't forgotten all those manners, he just doesn't use them when he doesn't have meds in his body.

I think the best part of my day however was one simple realization.....when I was a child all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom that was better than my own. I realized, as I watched my son, that I have achieved my lifes dream, I have far exceeded her!!

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This concludes another Flashy Friday Thanks for reading and I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

This is just a test...again

This is another test of the signature posting system.

If this had been a real post you would have found more intesting stuff to read....however i am only testing this signature to be sure it works since the last time it disappeared and vanished into thin air somewhere. I'm thinking some big ole spider in the world wide web thought it might be a tasty snack.

This concludes this test of the signature posting system....once again.

Mean kids SUCK...

Orion is the youngest kid in his class, it's this way because I put him into school a year early. A lot of people told me it would be a mistake, the preschool teacher even told me that he was "socially immature" and that if I went ahead with my plans to put him into kindergarten early then he wouldn't have any friends by the time he got to 3rd grade. I followed my gut and my 4 year old went off to kindergarten with a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds. There was one boy in his class that had been held back an extra year by his mother because of the fact that he was also "socially immature" I thought it was a bad plan beacuse her now 6 year old was a head taller than the other kids and stuck out like a sore thumb. At least Orion was tall enough to fit right in and even though he was 4 he looked like a 6 year old in size!

The preschool teacher was right to one extent...Orion grew into a major case of ADHD and by the time he finished 2nd grade he had 1 friend left that would tolerate his crazy antics and play with him. With medication he has rebuilt some of those friendships he lost and his biggest problem at school now is the complete boredom he experiences. However there are still a couple of boys at school who remember his crazy antics of years past and they are just plain mean...there is no other way of putting it, they are simply MEAN!

This past week Orion went to his bowling banquet and received trophies for being the best bowler in the 10 and under age group, he was so proud of those trophies and went to school with a smile and great pride. When the kids asked him about it, he explained about the trophies and his bowling. Those few boys called him a liar (to his face, in front of all the other kids) they said there was no way a crazy boy like him could possibly be the best boy bowler under 10 years old in Massachusetts. They laughed at him and tried to convince the rest of the class that he was just trying to get attention, that it was not real.....so to put them in their place yesterday I carried those 4 trophies over to that school and lined them up on the table in his classroom! I let him take those trophies showing he was indeed the best and let him gloat, let him enjoy putting those boys in their place! I hope those boys learned a lesson yesterday and maybe next time they want to make someone feel badly, the next time they want to hold onto the past and not give people a chance to change, I really hope they remember their embarrassment as they were proven wrong.

This is just a test

This is a test of the Signature Posting System. If this had been a real post you would find something a lot more interesting to read.

If you see a signature at the bottom of this post then it has been successful and you can find instructions on how to post your own signature at Shabby Blogs

This concludes this test of the Signature Posting System

I just don't understand

Small simple rant......

IF you know I have to read you all these offers and that I am just doing my job then WHY pray tell are you harrassing me, calling me an idiot and insulting me because I'm offering you an upgrade on your exersize equipment/workout program???? I just don't understand that at all!

I've been getting it all night long, people telling me that they just want what they called in for, only what they saw on TV or some other line. Then I go about the usual business of offering the upgrade and they stop me and ask me if I am stupid? or didn't I hear them say they only wanted what was on the screen? THEN continue on to say that they understand I have to read these additional offers and that I am only doing my job . WHY insult me and ask me if I am stupid if you know I am only doing my job? Why insult me and call me stupid if you know I'm not being stupid but I HAVE to read these offers? Honestly they are the stupid people for calling me stupid when they know full well that I am only doing my job!


Somedays I just wanna throw in the towel....if it weren't for the fact that everything in this world costs money and we need my extra income to play I would hang up this headset and walk away

State Championship Bowling Banquet

Last night was the banquet for the Massachusetts State Championship Bowling Tournament. They only give out trophies to the 1st place winners, 2nd and 3rd place received medals. The banquet is only for the 1st place bowlers, a little something extra to recognize their achievement.

Just as a reminder Orion won the following in the tournament:

1st Place Singles Division

1st Place Teams Division

1st Place for High Single Game

1st Place for All Events

3rd Place for Doubles Division

I don't have a photo of him with his 3rd place medal as he received that previously at the bowling alley and not at the banquet...here are some photos of him from the banquet last night.

Orion with his 1st Place Singles Trophy

Orion with his 1st Place Team Trophy

Orion receiving his High Single Game Trophy (not sure what happened with the photo here, hubby took this one and I'm not sure what he had the settings on the camera at) The lady in the photo is Linda, the owner of the bowling alley where Orion bowls.

Orion, Coach Mom and the 1st Place All Event Trophy

And finally Orion with all 4 trophies lined up showing off the patches that came with them.

I can't even begin to express how proud of my little man I am! He's only 8 1/2 years old, has only been bowling for 3 years and already he's showing this kind of skill! I am amazed by how well he is doing!

One of our biggest battles

Today I decided to post something that is majorly effecting our lives, it's always been a problem and I am at my wits end, I just don't know what to do at this point.

When Orion was a first potty training, pooping in the pot was our biggest battle. He could pee like a pro...his underwear were always dry and we never had a problem with that part, it was always (and still is to this day) a battle to get Orion to do #2 on the toilet. He's a holder, he will hold that poo in his body for days on end because he doesn't like to go. We tried rewards, we tried books, we tried talking and would have been just as effective if we had talked to a wall. I have even tried making him sit on the toilet every single day...the pediatrician suggested not letting him get off the toilet until he actually produces, but his stubborness is strong and he will literally sit there until I have other thngs I have to do and can't let him sit there any longer. He's very good at being stubborn! I have sat him on the toilet first thing in the morning on a Saturday and he will sit there for 2 or 3 hours and not do a thing but cry that he wants to get off. I give him books, I tell him he can get off once he produces, but he knows eventually I will have to get him off of there and head out to the bank before it closes. When he was little I had to add Miralax to his juice so his poo would get soft enough that he could barely control the flow, eventually he would HAVE to go and he would literally put out so much that it would clog the toilet! It would hurt pushing out so much poo and that would only make him hold it even longer the next time....fearing the pain has been one of the biggest battles. I try to explain to him that the pain wouldn't be there if he would just go at least every other day...but alas he will wait and wait and wait until he's practically compacted and we have to give him more stool softener and ex-lax to make him go. I hate the cycle he has laid out for us and I just don't know what else I can do. This is one thing I simply can not do for him, I can't force it out of him without the use of ex-lax or other laxative pill or suppository, like I said before, I'm at my wits end.

One of the biggest drawbacks to him being a holder (besides the fact that he's not pooping regularly) is the fact that he gets grumpy and irritable everytime it builds up. Once he's been holding it for 4 or 5 days he starts getting angry and frustrated with everything and everyone. It's difficult to deal with, his mood just gets worse every single day until he finally goes. I could just dose him with ex-lax or stool softener every single day of his life, but would that be a good plan? The pediatrician says I should only do that when he hasn't gone in awhile and is at the point where he's starting to get the skid marks again because the poo is trying to get out of his body. She seems to think I just need to sit him on the toilet everyday and eventually his stubbornness will break and he'll learn to just go...first of all, he has to go to school so I can't play that game all the time. Afterschool he has homework, cub scouts, bowling, etc. I can't deny him all his happiness just because he is a holder. There has to be some solution to this problem, something that will make it easier for him and me....I'm hoping that maybe someone will happen upon this blog and have an answer for me, I'm hoping that maybe someone else has gone through this and can help me feel not so alone.

Chocolate Math

Aunt Hillary (Great-Auntie Hillary as Orion calls her) sent me this e-mail and I thought I would share it with the blogging community.....this is some pretty kewl math so check it out :)

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway -but the Hershey Man will know!

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute.Work this out as you read.Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate

(more than once but fewer than 10)

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2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

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3. Add 5

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4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

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5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ...If you haven't, add 1758.

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6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week). The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

Chocolate Calculator.

School Photo came back

isn't my little man a handsome little bugger?