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Friday, June 19, 2009

Flashy that was fast!

What happened to the week? How did it go by so fast???
*** Flashy Friday is my own unique idea, something I intend to do pretty much every Friday...I flash back through my week, month, years, whatever I feel like flashing back to and the lessons I may have learned. In general I try to flash through 2 to 3 events each Friday. ***
20 years ago I graduated high school...yes 20 years!!!! Somehow that makes me feel really, really old! How could it possibly have been 20 years since I entered the "real world" full of hopes, dreams, and some demented view of what life was going to be like now that I was "all grown up"?
20 years is a LONG time, 2 decades, 1/5 of a century, how the heck did that happen?? Was it really that long ago? The thought just blows my mind!!
20 years ago I thought I knew it all, I thought I was going to go off to college, I would have a double major in Physical Education and Psychology. I thought within 20 years I would be a successful PE Teacher and Guidance Counselor, I thought I would be making some pretty good money, have a couple of kids of my own, be married to someone who looked like my first love John Kenealy or my elementary crush Danny Satre. I knew it wouldn't be either of them, afterall John Keneally was my 7th grade PE teacher and already married with children and had refused my proposal when I was 12. (YES I honestly professed my love to the man, asked him to divorce his wife and marry me when I was 12 years old in his gym class LOL) Danny Satre, well he was not in my league. I was shy and akward where he was outgoing and Mr. Popularity.....but boy was he cute. He was 1 day older than me, we went to school together all our lives..... except that first year of foster care. Little did I know 20 years ago!
20 years later I'm a Virtual Customer Service Rep. working from home so I can take care of my wild and crazy ADHD son when he's not in least here I can use my psychology education to analyze him and try to figure out the best way to parent him since my birth mother tought me only how NOT to raise him. I am his teacher and counselor and that's about as close as I will ever come to that part of my dream. My husband only resembles John Kenealy and Danny Satre in one respect...I fell in love with him at first sight...only this time it was true love, not some 5 year olds crush or 12 year olds desire to have a father figure (which in all reality is probably what I was looking for when I asked John to marry me) 20 years later, I am a happier person than I was, but I can admit I have problems and ask for help when those problems get to be too big for me. I now realize that life isn't what I dreamt it would be, marriage isn't something out of a fairy tale but more like a job that I have to work at and fight to keep maintained and strong. I realize kids are NOT as easy to deal with as I thought it would be, babysitting nieces and nephews and other returnable children is NOT an indication of how well prepared I am to have children of my own. NOTHING prepares you for that!
20 years is a long time, I can't wait to reflect and think about all the things I have no clue about now in another 20 years!
Today is my sons last day of 3rd grade, I can't believe it! I don't know how that happened, seems like yesterday I was taking him to his first day of preschool! Where did the time go? Even bigger it seems, he's now 8 3/4 years old, in 3 months my son will be 9 years old! That means that it's been almost a full decade since my life changed completely....I found out I was carrying a child and my whole world changed. I suddenly had someone else to worry about, someone else who would be relying on me to make sure they turned out did this happen so quickly? I swear once I saw that positive pregnancy test someone pressed the fast forward button on my life and got it jammed! Once he came out of my body they hit that button again (like on the DVD player where you can go fast or super fast) and now it's really stuck and before I know it he's going to be in his last day of high school or college or getting married or having children! He's going to be 9 years another 9 he'll be officially an adult.....could someone PLEASE direct me toward the pause button??? These past 9 years went by way too fast, I don't want the next 9 to happen quite so quickly. I have so much to teach him still, so much to share with him, there's no way he's already 1/2 way to being an adult, just not possible. I can only hope in the next 9 years I can teach him everything right, I can turn him into a good strong man, that in 9 more years he'll still love hanging out with dear old Mom, going bowling and having dates with me on Friday nights. I hope I win out over the girls...but something tells me in another 9 years I'll be sitting at home on Friday nights waiting for my baby to come home safe and sound.
Last week I told you that calling my childhood a nightmare was a fair title for it, I also said I wouldn't go into details on that post....I think in order to help myself heal, in order to come to terms with my childhood from now on each week will have one flash from those first 11 years. If I can put it into words my heart can heal, if I can put it into words where others can read them, then maybe, just maybe, someone else will read it and they too can heal.
I will start with my mother, she's the easiest to remember and deal with. I only suffered physical abuse from her and it's mild compared to the stuff my father, brother and uncle did to me. If I can get beyond her and the pain she caused then I can face the harder stuff.
One of my memories of my mothers abuse was when I was around 4 or 5 years old. Mother always liked back rubs and it was my job to make sure she got one. She always wanted it at night and I would get so tired that my eyes would close no matter how hard I fought to keep them open, I was, afterall, only a child. I remember sitting there on the couch rubbing her back in circles, then up and down and then side to side. My hand began to get slower as I grew more tired. I fought the sleep, I tried with every breath of my being to stay awake. Suddenly I was sailing off the couch and across the room, the sting of her backhand on my cheek. "What the hell are you doing? Did I tell you that you could stop?" Reality set in, I must have fallen asleep. "I'm sorry mommy! I fell asleep. I'm so very tired, could I please go to bed?" "Not until you're done your job!"
**and yes I remember it that clearly!**
I went back to rubbing her back but within minutes sleep is taking over and again I am feeling my eyes close no matter how hard I try to keep them open. I feel my hand slowing down, I tell myself not to stop rubbing, I tell myself not to fall asleep but I can't win this battle! She grabbed me by the hair on my head, she dragged me off the couch to stand in front of her. "What did I say to you?" "I could sleep when I was done rubbing your back" "That's right so why are you stopping?" "I'm sorry mommy, I'm just so tired I can't help it!" "I don't care, get back to work!" I go back to rubbing, but I'm ever so tired and I just can't physically stay awake any longer, I can not control it
WHACK...there's the leather belt aside my head. WHACK....there it is again. WHACK....a 3rd time. WHACK, WHACK, WHACK...over and over again!
Finally, after a good beating I'm sent to bed because according to mother I am useless, lazy, good for nothing and tomorrow I will rub her back twice as long to make up for the time she lost tonight.
Perhaps that's why I hate giving my hubby backrubs, perhaps that's why I cringe when he asks me to rub his sore muscles, perhaps now that I understand where it comes from I can turn it around and change it, perhaps now I can heal just a little.
And this concludes another Flashy Friday, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

1 comment:

Sweet Mama Jones said...

I'm right there with you...20 years is both a lifetime and but a blink of an eye. Lucky for us, blogging has come along. Sure there were diaries long before blogging, but the ability to post and share and learn and heal makes all the difference.
I have an almost 18 year old (give him a couple weeks!) and when I look at him I am amazed that he is nearly a man. Didn't he just lose his first tooth? Didn't he just learn to ride a bike w/o training wheels? I know I made a million and one mistakes along the way - and yet he seems really well rounded. Judging by your words, your son will be an amazing young man - he's already got the amazing part down. And so do you. The fact that you are healing after all these years by sharing the torment of your childhood is as strong a move as anyone can make. And bold. You will help so many with what you share. Rock on!