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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Flashy Friday

I had this all typed out on Thursday night, however Blogger was unable to save so I saved it in notebook and kept it to post. So here's Flashy Friday a little late
Here we are, another Friday (ok so it's not quite Friday yet, but it will be in a couple hours and I have nothing better to do right now so deal with it lol) It's time for me to share with ya'all my thoughts for the week.
For those who are new to Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is my cheap therepy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Flashy Friday
My mother was a difficult woman to live with, she expected things to be a certian way and expected her kids to be seen but not heard. If I spoke out of line, if I did something wrong, even if I didn't do anything other than just be a kid I was beaten. Sometimes she got out of hand, sometimes she did extreemly dangerous things...for instance once I clearly remember her holding a pillow over my face on the bed screaming at me that I was supposed to be a pill and since that failed I was supposed to be a back alley abortion that she couldn't afford! Apparently, as my siblings often reminded me, my mother had been on birth control when I was conceived. Perhaps she forgot a pill, perhaps it failed her, I really don't know, all I know is that I was not supposed to exist. In her defense...I was the youngest of 7 children, I could see her not wanting anymore. When she found out that she was pregnant, apparently she wanted a back alley abortion as Roe V. Wade had not taken effect and it was not yet legal to terminate pregnancy. Mother couldn't afford a back alley and my father either couldn't afford it or refused to pay, either way I was forced upon her. She tried drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking a lot of cigarrettes only to let me be born with fetal alcohol syndrome and withdrawals, she attempted to throw herself down a flight of stairs only to get some bruises and me. I was told these stories on a regular basis, as though being told I was not wanted might make me go away in the very least it would hurt me emotionally and cause me pain that way. Since mother had to suffer, so did I...and so I suffered on a regular basis. She was nothing but a pure bully! Holding that pillow over my face, screaming at me how I was not wanted, how I shouldn't even exist hurt me beyond words. It hurt physically as my lungs burned trying to breath, it hurt as I felt her weight on my body trying to force the life out of me, but more than the physical pain I suffered from this torment emotionally. It hurt me to know she did not love me, that she did not want me,that she wished I did not exist on this planet. It broke my heart to know that I truly was not wanted in the least. The physical pain healed as my big brother pulled her off me, I sputtered and coughed, my ribs hurt for a few days, but that all eventually went away. What didn't heal were the scars that could not be seen, the emotional damage that was done, the trauma inflicted upon my very soul. My mother did not love me and she wished that I were dead!
You might ask what would cause a woman to act in this manner? What could cause a mother to react so harshly? Do you really want to know.....I'll tell was all because I had misplaced her favorite hairbrush! I wasn't supposed to use it, I wasn't supposed to touch it even, but I wanted to brush my hair and make it pretty like hers was, I wanted it to shine and bounce just like moms....but I got distracted and laid it down somewheres and not where it was supposed to be, I didn't return it to its proper spot and I was cought! Practically killed over a sad! Honestly the only thing I learned from all this was to make sure I tell my son every single day how much I love him, how proud of him I am and how much I love that he's in my life!
The sun came out for a few minutes's the first we've seen of it in quite some time. My son says it's been 3 1/2 weeks since we had good weather, honestly I had lost track of how long it's been but you can usually count on my boy when it comes to time so I'm taking his word for it! It's amazing how we take for granted the ability to get outside, get some fresh air and play. We don't pay attention to how great a thing that is until it's been 3 1/2 weeks and you're stir crazy mad! Cabin fever was definately in full force and it was nice to get out into the yard. We found a snake out there, a harmless garden snake, but a snake none the less. As I watched my son reach down and just grab it, hold it up in the air and say " you wanna hold it Mom?" I had to smile. He was so proud and happy to be holding this snake, so thrilled to realize that snakes are not slimy but really are smooth and cold. He put it in the bug observatory for a few hours, watched it slither around and was fascinated by this one creature. He pretended to hiss at it in parsel-tongue (anyone who has read Harry Potter knows what that is) and pretended the snake could talk back. Although I did not hear it hiss even once, apparently it told him all about how it was a good snake who was carrying the message that Voldemort was hiding behind the bush and if we wanted to kill him we had to sacrifice ourselves to protect those we loved just like Harry's mother did for him. It was wonderful to watch him be carefree and have some great fun, I also realized that adults need to find their imagination again because life is way more interesting when you can talk to snakes.
I'm going to conclude this weeks Flashy Friday here......honestly that first one took a lot of willpower to write and it weighs heavy upon my heart. I hate that my mother hated me so much, I don't hink I'll ever understand that. So for now...thanks for listening and I hope everyone who reads this hugs their children close and has a great weekend!

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