Time again to Flashback into my past and see what lessons I have learned
Let's get my mother out of the way since I have the hardest time talking about her.
This memory is a one that I don't think I'll ever forget, it was the day the little girl who lived across the street got me the beating of a lifetime.
At school I had talked about "my cat" We had a lot of cats living in our house and I really liked to call one of them in particular (her name was Kit Kat) mine. So I had been talking about "my cat" and Patty had overheard. She was a year or 2 older than I was and very very nosey! So that afternoon I was out in my front yard playing with a couple of the cats and she yells across the street "Hey Deb, which one is yours?" I knew that she was being sarcastic, I knew that she didn't believe that any of the cats actually belonged to me, so I just ignored her. Afterall, the cats were all family cats so they were technically all part mine right??? WRONG!!
My older sister overheard Patty calling to me from across the street and laughed, she knew I was gonna be in trouble. My mother came out and sat on the step waiting and Patty again calls across the street "Deb, I asked which one is yours?" then she proceeds to walk her nosey butt across the street to my yard just to be sure I had heard her. My mother yelled at her to get back home and grabbed me by the arm, drags me into the house demanding to know why Patty would ask me such a question. I tried to worm my way out of it....Patty must have misunderstood what I was saying to someone else, I was sorry but I couldn't help what other people thought. She didn't buy it for one second...so I had to tell the truth, that I had called one of the cats "my cat" in a conversation that Patty overheard. That woman made me march to the living room door where she hung the leather belt and bring it back to her. She made me stand there with my hands on the back of the couch and simply said "you cry you get more!" She whooped my behind so many times it was impossible not to cry so I got plenty and was sent to bed with no supper...all because Patty had to go and open her big fat mouth!
That day I simply learned to not call anything that wasn't mine...mine and to never let Patty overhear anything I ever said again! I know she didn't mean to get me into trouble and I am sure she didn't know I was gonna get such a beating for saying one of the cats was mine, but I was pretty bitter with her for quite some time after that one for sure.
When I was in 6th grade I learned about how unfair life can be (as if I hadn't already learned this lesson from my parents) Anyway, I was new to foster care, having been placed just a few months prior to starting this new school. It was a BIG school compared to my tiny one level 4 room school. This one had 2 classrooms for every grade k thru 6th and even though each class only had maybe 12 or 15 kids in it, it was still a lot bigger for me. I had just come from a tiny school where the entire 6th grade class would have consisted of about 10 kids!
Anyway, I was out on recess...there was no field, no dirt, no trees. My old school had a giant field, tons of dirt, trees we could play in etc. This place was all blacktop and I was not overly thrilled. There was a chainlink fence and I would just go sit beside it, missing my old school wishing I could have stayed there. It was here against the fence that it happened....this boy named David pushed me against the fence, he held my hands behind my back, forcing himself on me. I tried to yell, I tried to holler, but he threatened me and went about his business....and when he was done he released me promising me that he would do that to me every day!
I screamed at him "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!" The teacher heard me and told me to get against the wall, swearing was not allowed! I tried to tell her what had happened, trying to figure out why she couldn't see the fence marks on my face or the torn clothing, but she would hear none of it. She simply said that there was no excuse to use such language and I was to go sit against the wall until the end of recess.....David walked away smirking, I walked to the wall...at least here I would be safe from him. My friend Angel came over and asked what happened, I told her and she went inside. The end of recess bell rang and I lined up with the other kids, once I got to my classroom I put my head on my desk and cried. The school nurse came in shortly after that, said something to my teacher and escorted me out of the classroom. Apparently Angel had told her what happened. She asked why I didn't tell the teacher on duty, I explained how I tried but the teacher was more concerned with the fact that I had said the word "fuck" than WHY I said it or why I was using it to tell this boy to get away from me. The nurse shook her head, I was allowed to go home early and the next day I returned to school as if nothing had happened....as did David.
I later found out that David was in his 3rd attempt at 6th grade, had attempted to do this to other girls but I was the first that he succeeded with. I never went to that corner of the fence again, I never went more than 10 feet from a teacher because I was so afraid of him and I knew the only way anyone would do anything was if they saw him doing it. I was the broken child, the foster kid, so therefore I didn't seem to be believed as much as the other kids. Perhaps they thought I was trying to get attention, perhaps they thought I was exagerating since I had ben molested and abused so much, perhaps they thought it was just me being fearful because of my past...but whatever it was...IT WAS WRONG! They should have listened to me, they should have gone to the police, they should have helped me, they should have punished him and not me. I was the victim, yet I was the one standing against the wall.
From this experience I learned not to trust even more. I also learned how unfair life is and ways to commit suicide...or at least ways to attempt it. It wasn't until almost 10 years down the road that I would learn to stand up for myself and fight back, my freshman year of college I took some self defense courses thinking how great they would have been back in 6th grade! Just the other day I was looking through a photo album of one of my classmates on facebook...he is Davids younger brother. In his album I came across a photo of David and a knot built in my stomach...I remembered the event like it was yesterday and decided to post about it and leave it there....sitting in my yesterdays, gone but not fully forgotten.
4th of July....I love the fireworks! One good memory I do have as a kid is going to the big field, laying the blanket out on the hood of the car and watching the fireworks. They never cease to amaze me, whether in real life or on a TV I still feel a childish giddy feeling everytime I see them! I hope this year we don't have rain so I can go with my family....I'm taking the night off so that we can go together but I can't take too many nights off or I won't make any money and will fail to pay my bills lol SO here's hoping for some good weather for everyone so that everyone can feel like a child again and enjoy some fireworks!
And so I close this weeks Flashy Friday. I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th of July and remember to be thankful to all those soldiers out there fighting to keep us safe and free!
God Bless the Soldiers and their families!