Thoughtful Thursday

Happy Thursday everyone :)

This week I am going to talk about a time when I was 4 years old...this does not involve my mother it involves my older brother #2.

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Older brother #2 was 15 years older than me so when WWVA down in Wheeling West Virginia asked us to come perform on the radio live, he got the job of babysitting me. My mother felt that since I was only 4 I would not be much fun in the car, especially since I tend to get car sick on long rides. So big brother #3, big sisters #2 and #3 got into the car with mother and father and drove off leaving me behind to hang with big brother #2.

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Big brother #2 was ok at first, he was slightly mentally retarded (no really he was I'm not just being mean) so even though he was 19 he was a bit childish and was still fun to hang out with...or so I thought! That night, as 7pm rolled around he decided it was time for me to have a bath. Now I had already had my weekly bath, so I knew I wasn't supposed to have one, but he insisted that mother told him I should have one and if I didn't do as he said he was going to get on the phone, call mother and then I would get in big trouble when she got home...trust me I got into that tub in record timing! He let me play in the tub until the water got cold (unheard of in my youth so woohoo I was happy) and then helped to dry me off...this is where he became Evil Brother.

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He dried me off and when I tried to put on my jammies he told me that mother said I was not to wear clothes to bed that night. I was scared since I knew what daddy did when I didn't have clothes on so I argued and fought with him, but he again pulled the "mother card" and told me he was going to call her and tell on me if I didn't obey his every word....so I sucked up my tears and did as I was told.

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I was told to parade through the living room in no clothes, to run across the couch, to bounce on the bed, all without my clothes on. As I did this, he took his clothes off and began to encourage himself as he watched my little girl body bounce and run and play. Then he made me lay down on the couch where he proceeded to take full advantage of me. As I began to cry he told me not to, I couldn't help it and so he got off me and went over to the phone and began to dial a number. I begged and pleaded for him to not call her so he hung up and told me all I had to do was do everything he said and he would not call. So I sucked back those tears, went into my "zone" and let him do what my father had done so many times before. After he finished, he cleaned himself up and told me to wash up too. I washed up the the sink with a washcloth and thought that would be the end of it...but he was not finished. He put me to bed and lay down next to me, I prayed to whatever god might be listening to please let him fall asleep and leave me alone even though he had refused me jammies, but god did not listen. He proceeded to rape me over and over and over again all night...and all day...and all night...over and over again for a full 5 days until they came back home!

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I distinctly remember, as the blue Chevy pulled into the driveway, him leaning in close, putting his finger over his lips and saying "shhhh it's our little secret"

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Sorry, that's all I got today...I can't go on and remember more. I know normally I share at least 2 memories, but that took more out of me than I realized so I'm going to call it quits for this week. You have to understand, as I type these scenes out I remember them very vividly and even though I don't give as many details as run through my brain I can actually see these things happening again. I can smell the smells, I can see it all in full color in my minds eye, its there and it's real. I think that's because I used to go into that "zone" almost like an outer body experience, like it was someone else living that nightmare. I used to study psychology in school, and I remember reading about people who went through stuff like I did ending up with multiple personality disorders and although I don't think I truly have multiple personalities, I do feel I have some minor form of it. I can tell you that if hubby raises his voice or says a certian word in an argument I feel the switch flip, I can tell I'm going back into that "zone" without even thinking about it...it became habit something that just automatically happens when I get scared or upset. It took me a very long time to not slip into my "zone" everytime I tried to have sex with my husband...sex was very scary for me for a very long time! Luckily he was patient and kind and now it's what it was meant to be and not something that terrifies me. Thankfully, due to hubby being so patient and loving, I don't slip into my "zone" anywhere near as much as I used to and the best part is he can tell by my expression that I'm going there and he stops and pulls me back out. I don't know where I would be without him, somedays I think it would probably be somewhere small and padded.

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Well I'm off, I have lots to do the next few days with the birthday party coming up. I'll share pictures as soon as I catch my breath lol

Am I such a horrible mother????

I watched a show on TV about raising kids, please don't ask me the title because much like names and directions....I simply suck that way! Memory is not something I have, I have to write lists, I have to write notes to remind me to write notes...yes indeed I am that bad!!!

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ANYWAY, I was watching this show and this psychologist or psychiatrist....some kind of psych-guy was talking about kids and electronics and how parents allow their children too much access. His theory is that kids who play video games and watch TV don't like to read and don't have as active of an imagination and are fatter and lazier than the kids who don't watch TV or play video games or are limited to no more than 1 hour a day of such activities. He even went so far as to say the kids who are limited or restricted from those electronics are smarter than the kids who are allowed to access these things whenever they please and the problem is only worse if kids are allowed these things in their first 2 years of life. His opinion is if kids weren't allowed any TV or video games in their first 2 years of life they would be far better off.....I beg to differ!

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See my kid has always been allowed to watch TV, when he was a baby he HAD to be held which did not work well for mom trying to get in a shower and wash her hair....so yes I put him in his swing and I turned on the TV and put on Rolie Polie Olie and ran for the shower before he totally lost his mind....and it worked! He loved Rolie Polie Olie the most so that 20 minutes became moms shower time. As he grew I allowed him to watch Sesame Street, when he was 6 months old he discovered Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and those became his favorite programs to watch. I would record the Wheel in the evening so that I could put him in his pack-n-play in the morning, turn that show on and grab a quick shower. Very quickly I realized that the Wheel was paying off and my 9 month old started pointing out letters CORRECTLY! 9 months old...I'm not kidding you! At 18 months old he read his first word...STOP. It was amazing, we were coming home from the playground, I was pulling him in his wagon and he started yelling for me to stop. I stopped and asked him why I needed to stop and he pointed up to the stop sign and said

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"S-T-O-P spells stop! Mama stop!"

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After telling my mother-in-law and a few other people this amazing news they said he was just recognizing the sign shape, not actually reading so I put a bunch of 4 letter "S" words on a piece of paper and asked Orion to point to the word stop...which he immediately did...then he proceeded to read the rest of the words on the paper too. After that he continued to amaze me....a year later, when he was 2 1/2 years old he was overheard on the baby monitor reading Harry Potter books to his cat and actually getting the words right!

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So you see, I don't know if my kid is just really smart or if that psych-guy was wrong, perhaps if I never let my child watch TV as a baby he would be even smarter...perhaps I somehow dumbed him up by allowing such a thing...or perhaps I knew what he was watching and encouraged his learning and helped him be smarter because I only allowed programs that encouraged learning. With Rolie Polie Olie he learned about friendships, shapes, colors and numbers. With Wheel of Fortune he learned all his letters and how they turn into words if you put them into the correct order. With Jeopardy he learned some random facts that maybe he'll never remember but perhaps someday it will actually pop into place. Even today, as he plays video games on his Nintendo DS, computer or x-box 90% of the time he's reading instructions, learning without realizing it, working on his eye/hand coordination.

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So am I really a bad parent holding my child back by allowing him these modern electronics??? I tend to think NO, I am not. I think it's quality, not quantity, that truly matters.

Poor baby boy

My poor kid has his first fall cold. He's all snoogered up, coughing and feverish :( Yesterday I kept him home from school because his eyes were so red I was sure the nurse would take one look at him and send him straight back home....and then about a half hour after school would have started he had a massive case of diarrhea and I was immediately assured that I had done the right thing in keeping him home......can you imagine the poor kids embarrassment if I had sent him and that happened at school???!!!!! Needless to say we were both glad I had opted to keep him home and spare him the emotional scarring that would have resulted from such an incident!

Birthday party planning

Am I the only mother who has terrible anxiety with every single birthday party? I worry that the kids he invited won't come, I worry that the cake won't be what he wants and expects, I worry that he will be off his adderral and therefore he will be an absolute nightmare and scare away what few friends do show up. I worry he won't have a good time or that he'll have a meltdown as he can sometimes have when he gets stressed and things don't go exactly his way. I worry way too much I know, but none the less, I worry!

This year Orion wants a pokeball cake, but instead of just a basic round pokeball, he wants an open pokeball with a pokemon inside. I'm not sure I can do that or that I can figure out a way to make the top stay open and supported. I worry that I won't make it look close enough to a pokeball and he'll be upset. Of course everyyear I have this anxiety and every year I succeed in giving him exactly what he wants but this is new and different and like I said...I'm not sure how to make the top stay up and open. The past 2 years he has wanted a bowling cake and this is what I have created...

He bowls candlepin so I made his cake that style. I pray I can pull off what he wants this year as well.

Only 1 more week to go........

Yep, just one more week until my baby boy is 9 years old! He will turn 9 at exactly 1:10pm on September 20th.

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In the next week I am sure to find myself flipping through baby albums, remembering just how little he was and feeling amazed that it's been 9 years! You see his actual due date was today, 9-13-2000, but he was a stubborn one and had to make me wait since I had told him he was grounded 10 weeks prior.

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At 24 weeks along I showed the first signs of trouble, spotting and bleeding that was not normal. Ultrasound showed possible placental abruption so I was placed on modified bedrest (meaning for every 20 minutes on my feet I had to have 20 minutes of sitting on my butt) Since I worked at Dunkin Donuts as a floor supervisor I called my boss on the way home from the doctors and quit on the spot. I had never done such a thing before, I would always give 2 weeks notice. This was the first thing Orion changed about me! Anyway, the boss understood that baby came first, said I could come back at anytime and told me to take care of myself and the baby.

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At 30 weeks I said good-bye to hubby as I sent him off to work and sat down in my glider chair to relax. That's when I started to feel contractions. I thought they were just braxton hicks, the fake ones you read about, your body preparing for labor, so I didn't worry and I didn't time them....only they didn't stop and they increased in length and pain level. After a bit I began to time them and realized they were only 5 minutes apart and they seemed to be getting intense, I immediately called my OB who told me to time them for another 1/2 hour and if they didn't slow down to go to labor and delivery. Being a first time mom, I didn't want to listen to her so I called hubby at work and told him to come home and get me and take me in, I felt I was in pre-term labor and I was scared. It was at this point that I told Orion he was grounded and there would be no coming out to play until I said so!

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According to the OB I did indeed have placental abruption and I was dialated to 4 cm. I was placed on strict bedrest until the end of my pregnancy. I was allowed to go home as long as I only was on my feet long enough to go from my bed to the couch in the morning and from the couch to the bathroom through the day. Hubby had to pack me a cooler that stayed by the couch every morning that included all the food and drink I would need for the day while he was at work. It was very boring (daytime TV bites) but my boy was worth it. Every week I went in for a non-stress test (NST) to check for contractions and heartbeat. I also had weekly ultrasounds to check Orion and the placenta. At one point they told me I needed to double my water intake because he was low on fluid and me drinking would help bring the amniotic fluid levels back up, the placenta kept pulling away a little at a time but stayed intact enough to sustain Orion so we left him in there . Every single week I heard the OB say "I don't know if you're going to make it to next weeks appointment, this baby seems to want out" Orion was head down and I was slowly continuing to dialate.

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At my 40 week appointment the ob congratulated me on making it all the way to the end of my pregnancy. She told me I could come off bedrest and I was free to have this baby anytime he wanted to come out but just incase we could make an appointment for the following week to be induced. She told me she thought she would see me before then since I was 5 cm dialated..... Orion opted to wait another week lol

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On September 20, 2000 at 7:30am I walked into labor and delivery. I was checked in and settled into a pretty little room. At 8am they started my pitocin drip, contractions started immediately. My mother-in-law came in shortly after they started the drip and was talking about how they had a pool going at her house as to what time the baby would be born..I informed her that I didn't know about time, just that it was going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! She laughed, probably because most first babies take longer than that but I was sure that was how long it was going to take......I don't know about timing here, things kind of blend together when you're in labor but shortly after the contractions started the ob came in and looked at that little piece of paper coming out of the machine that showed my contractions, she asked me if I was feeling those and I told her of course...OMG they were intense! The nurse standing behind her laughed, so I thought maybe I was being a bit of a wimp and decided I was gonna be tough! I closed my eyes with every contraction, my wonderful mother-in-law rubbed my feet with every one of them (which seemed to dull the pain some) and I was determined to not be laughed at again! After awhile my husband asked the nurse if I could have something for the pain because HE couldn't stand to see me like that any longer! The nurse said she would get the doctor and I would have to be checked first...doc came in to check me and explained it was too late...I was already at 9 cm!

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At 8am they started my pitocin drip, exactly 5 hours and 10 minutes later (as predicted by me) at 1:10pm Orion entered this world! My life has never been the same since then and I can't imagine it any other way!

Finally...life explained

Sharing something I read that explains life!

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On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

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On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

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On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

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On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

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So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

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Life has now been explained to you.

Sorry

I missed Thoughtful Thursday....honestly Thursday just came and went and I completely blanked on it. Hubby had the day off but Orion didn't so...well let your imagination run wild for a few and you'll figure out how my day started lol I took the night off my work as well and watched re-runs of Greys Anatomy and Private Practice and then cuddled with Orion since he supposedly had a bad dream...I think he just wanted to sleep in my bed and cuddle with me but how can I possibly say no to his sweet little face when he comes staggering out to the living room looking all pathetic and half asleep asking so kindly if I could come cuddle with him cause a scary dream woke him up? And how could I possibly say no when that same sweet face looks up at me and says "I think we would be more comfortable in your bed, mine is too small for 2 people." Yeah I'm a sucker and he knows how to play me......I can admit as much lol So Thursday came and went and I didn't post or even think about my mother for once....ahhh so refreshing!

You see, I often experience things in my life as Orions Mom and I can't help but think to myself "Why couldn't my mother have been like me?" or "How could my mother hurt her own child?" I can't fathom it, I just can't. People say all the time that she must have been an abused child herself, that she was born in 1933 and back then you did as you were told or you got the snot beat out you SO she was only raising me the only way she knew how...I say that's a load of bull****! I was an abused child and the last thing I want to do to my child is make him feel the way I felt. Even before I went into foster care I would constantly think to myself...I will NEVER be like her! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I had one answer..."I want to be a better mommy than I have!" It's all I ever wanted, saying that you beat your kids because you don't know any better is just an excuse for your own weakness and heartlessness. You know it's wrong, you know what it feels like so why would you ever subject another human being to such torture?? It just doesn't compute...I can't comprehend the concept at all! Besides...she made sure she was never seen hitting us, she made sure we were never bruised in places that could be seen by people and she made sure we didn't cry out so the neighbors wouldn't hear...she knew it was wrong and she knew if she got cought she would be in trouble, yet she continued anyway. When we went into foster care and we had to go into the court and tell the judge if we wanted to go back and live with her she told the judge I was lying, that she never laid a hand on me except to hug me, she swore up and down that she never even spanked. She claimed she used time-outs or taking things away, she would never lay a hand on her child...I never understood how she could stand there and lie to the judges face like that? She would look him square in the eye and lie to him...luckily the judge listened to me and told my social worker that if I didn't want to go home I would have to be kept in foster care because I didn't feel safe there and kids need to feel safe. He saw right through her or he just felt sorry for me, either way I won and was never forced to go back home. I remained in foster care until I was 18 and went off to college. The system may be messed up and there may be some crappy social workers out there, maybe I just got lucky but I got a really good one and Karen was AWESOME! She took good care of me, got me into good homes and helped me through some really rough patches!

Sometimes I amaze myself....a photo story

We have 5 cats ......


Rex the 12 year old

Martin the 3 year old



Sparky the 2 year old




Merlin the 1 year old




And the baby Clawdia just 20 weeks old

We also have a couch that the 5 cats have decided is their personal scratching post....

So today I went down to Jo-Anns Fabric and bought a bit of fabric and made a denim slip cover to go over the entire arm of the couch.

Hopefully the cats won't be able to claw through that anytime soon!

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This is a big wrap around couch that fills the entire room so I couldn't make a slip cover for the entire thing, I'll probably make another to match the arm on the other side of the couch even though the cats haven't attacked that one yet.

Thoughtful Thursday

It's amazing how fast time goes, how quickly we get through each day and suddenly we're old and tired and wondering where all the time went. Why couldn't that happen when I was a kid, back when I needed and wanted time to get a move on and get me out of the nightmare I lived. Why is it that times seems to speedup as we get older, aren't we supposed to SLOW DOWN as we age?? Somedays I just don't get it lol

Anyway, here we are on another Thursday, my boy is in school, the cats are chasing each other through the house at top speed, the dog is sleeping at the front door and I'm supposed to be working....only there don't seem to be a lot of calls in the daytime hours so I will just post in my blog and pass the time by putting my thoughts into words for your reading pleasure :)

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The other day my son wanted to see my hand, I didn't really know why but he asked if he could see it so I held it out to him. He then told me not to peek and proceeded to pull out a pen he was hiding and write on my palm "I love you so!!" The two exclamation points looked like this =:) just not sideways lol This precious moment took me back to when I was a kid about his age and I wrote on everything!

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One day I took a bunch of magic markers and drew all over the kitchen cabinet doors....and I do mean ALL OVER them! I covered them in a beautiful green grassy fields full of all kinds of colorful flowers, a beautiful sunrise, and flowing hills of green. I colored in a beautiful blue sky complete with birds flying by. There were trees and bunnies and over in the corner was a little house with pretty curtians in the windows...I was creative and I was proud of my hard work....mother was not in the least bit impressed!

OK in her defence, I probably would have had a few words with my son if he drew all over my cabinets, I probably would ground him and give him a Mr. Clean magic eraser and make him remove it all...BUT I never, not in a million years, never would react the way my mother did! My mother first screamed and hollered and yelled! Then she got her leather belt and whooped my behind until I couldn't stand, then she whooped me even more. She beat the crap out of me! She stood over me and beat me as she forced me to try to scrub off the permanant magic marker and the more I scrubbed the more she hit because it simply was NOT coming off...that's why they're called permanant markers...they don't come off! Then I was locked in the cabinet under the stairs with no lights, no food, no water, nothing for a full day! I was let out after a day because I had to go to school or someone might ask where I was, heaven forbid if anyone should discover her secrets!

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Speaking of school, I remember walking to school as a kid...I was just inside the 1 mile line so I had to walk, I could not ride the bus. This meant that rain, sleet, snow, wind, you name it, I walked in it...uphill both ways! (No I am not kidding!) I lived on one side of the hill at the bottom, my school was on the other side at the bottom so I walked uphill, then downhill to get to school and the same to get home. The majority of the way up the hill from home was basically a straight line so my mother could watch out the window and see me as I walked along. One day, it was cold and rainy and I couldn't see well so I turned around and proceeded to walk backwards so that the wind and rain hit my back and not my face and books. I was rather proud of myself for having made it all the way to school walking backwards and I didn't trip once! I was awesome, I was cool, I was soaking wet but I was happy none the less!

That afternoon I walked home only to have mother greet me at the door screaming about walking to school backwards. Didn't I realize how stupid that was? Didn't I realize I could trip, fall into the road and get run over by a bus? At this point she made me stand in the kitchen and turn my back to the living room and walk backwards through the living room to my bed (which was on the far side of the living room) She had taken it upon herself to spend her day rearranging the furniture just so I would trip and fall and (according to her) learn my lesson. As I tripped over a chair and landed on the edge of the old kerosene heater and burned my arm she dragged me to my feet and made me keep walking...not caring that my arm was hurt, not caring that I had been burned, only caring about teaching me a lesson and making sure I didn't walk to school backwards ever again! By the time I got through the living room I had a burn on each arm...one from the kerosene heater and one from the big potbelly woodstove. Neither was bandaged or cared for and the scars are still there to remind me of what an evil and cruel woman she truly was.

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And so ends another Thoughtful Thursday! Enjoy your weekend and remember....kids are only little for a short time. Before you know it they will be grown ups just like you and me and when that day comes will it really matter what they drew on your walls or if they walked to school backwards...I doubt it will and more likely than not you'll miss those days and wish you could do them all over again! Enjoy them while they're young and their mistakes are minor, enjoy those precious moments when they write on your hand "I love you so =:)" and know that from that moment one whenever you look at your palm those words will still be there, even if time and showers have washed them away. Find a way to preserve these times for the bad days of your life, I'm sure it will help make even the gloomiest days a bit brighter!

Here we go...first day of 4th grade

Today my baby boy headed off to his first day of 4th grade!! As I watched him run away from me toward the school with a smile on his face and the wind in his hair I again felt the pangs of motherhood and a tear in my eye. How did my baby boy go from this

to this

In a single heartbeat?

My little baby boy is suddenly a little man, growing up right before my very eyes! Funny thing is...I used to laugh at those mothers who would tear up on their kids first day of school every year, I thought to myself "I'll never be like that" I used to think that I would be the mother who proudly sent her kid off to school, maybe crying on the first day of Kindergarten or Pre-school, but not every single first day every single year...but alas we often find that no matter how many times we say "I'll never be like that" or "My kids will never behave like that in public" we find that we surprise ourselves and this is a perfectly normal way to be. It's not silly, it's not strange, it's motherhood and I'm glad to be a part of it! I miss my boy already, he may have driven me a bit crazy some days over the summer, but he's a pretty fun kid and the house sounds oddly quiet and laughter free. Now I'll go sit, sip some coffee and count the hours until 3pm when I can go pick him up and hear all about his first day of 4th grade!

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Thoughtful Thursday

We didn't always have running water or heat or electricity when I was a kid, my mother often failed to pay the bills and so we would lose out on some of the basic needs in life. The running water problem was often a winter time issue because the pipes would freeze in the frigid Vermont winters. At these times we would have to share some basic things like bath water.

A little history here concerning baths...we were only allowed 1 bath a week each, there were no if's, and's or but's about it (that's what my mother would always say) Me, being the youungest of 7 children...yeah you guessed it...I was always the LAST to get a bath! Now imagine, if you will for one (rather disgusting moment) melting snow in a pot on top of a pot belly wood stove to get the water warm for a bath...or rather a series of baths. We would melt the snow, dump the water into the tub, melt another pot, so on and so forth until the tub was full. Then big brother number 1 got in, followed by big brother number 2, followed by big sister number 1, big sister number 2, big brother number 3, big sister number 3 then finally ME. EWWWWWWWWWW yes, I had to take many cold baths in the same water as the 6 older siblings. Gradually those numbers went down....big brother number 1 moved out, big sister number 1 ran away, big brother number 2 eventually left and so by the time I was 9 it was down to 4 of us and if I was lucky (and the others were fast) I MIGHT get a luke-warm bath and the water was only some-what disgusting. I might even come out feeling half clean.

another problem with no running water...yep you guessed it....no toilet flushing! Seriously we would have to melt snow to pour into the toilet to get it to flush. Now this often happened after a few of us had used the toilet and we lived by the rule of "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown melt and flush it down" If the stove wasn't lit it had to sit no matter the color until the stove was ready to melt some snow. We also had problems with affording toilet paper and yes I did learn to wipe on a sears magazine! Tear a page out, tear it in 1/2 then wipe and make sure it goes in the trash barrel and NOT into the toilet where it would clog up the pipes! Yeah our home was pretty gross to say the least! To this day I don't allow Sears magazines to enter my house! Just seeing one makes me cringe and makes my butt sore! You think 1 ply toilet paper at the Walmart restroom is bad, try a sears magazine and you'll have a whole different perspective!

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That was a generalization of life back then for me...here's something specific!

I remember very clearly the first time I swore in front of my mother. Granted, I half deserved my punishment...I was mad at her for hitting me all the time and asked her "Why are you such a BITCH?" Yep I was about 5 years old and I should not have used such a word! Anyway, upon hearing that come out of my mouth I was dragged by the hair of my head to the bathroom where mother discovered there was no more soap, so I was dragged by the hair of my head to the kitchen where there was a bottle of liquid lemon scented Joy. She pulled my hair until I screamed then proceeded to squeeze the bottle and pour the soap down my throat! I choked, I gagged, I spit it out and got more. I puked and was forced to eat it because that was my punishment for calling my mother a bitch!

From that day forward I called her "A witch with a capital B" and never to her face. I wouldn't even say the B word again. To this day, if I say the B word I can taste the soap and then the vomited soap and trust me it was NOT a good flavor! Lemon scented is NOT lemon flavored and in case you were wondering...Joy is not allowed in my house. Once I asked hubby to pick up some detergent so I could wash some pots that were too big to fit into the dishwasher and he brought that stuff home...it went straight back and I exchanged it for something different because I can't abide by it! If we stay at a hotel with a kitchenette in the room and it has Joy, I'll wash the dishes with shampoo before I will touch the stuff and the Joy goes directly into the nearest trash can...I just can't have it around me!

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Well I'm off for the weekend, gotta make it the biggest and bestest of the entire summer since the boy goes back to school starting Tuesday the 1st. I don't know how he managed to grow up so fast and become a 4th grader...hell I remember 4th grade myself! My teacher was Mrs. Kawaski and she was AWESOME! Hopefully Mrs. Montana (no her first name is not Hannah lol) is as wonderful to my son as Mrs. Kawaski was to me :)

As promised...pictures of the shirt pillows

Here's Orion with his new shirt pillows....in true form I couldn't pick just one to post lol

Yep, he's one happy little man right now!

Mom wins brownie points

Yep I got COOL MOM Brownie Points today and all it cost me was about 10 bucks and a few hours of my time!

You see Orion has these t-shirts that he has picked up from different mountains he's snowboarded at Burke, Sunday River and Sugar Loaf. The problem is that he LOVES the t-shirts but when he tries to wear them he looks like Jethro Bodene (ya know from the Clampets) He wanted to keep them but they were just too small for him so Mom got this creative idea to turn them into throw pillows for him. I stitched up the arms and neck (by hand since the machine is broke), stuffed em with fiberfill and now he has some fun throw pillows for his room and his t-shirts are safe and sound from being thrown out or given away. I'll have to take some pictures to show off my handiwork...I'm now the proud mom to one very happy boy!

Thoughtful Thursday

So here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to lay my thoughts out on the table.



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I've come to the conclussion that I can only hash out the memories of my childhood so much, it's tiring and makes me quite exhausted! I hate thinking about it, and although I know it's good to recognize what has happened in your life and learn something from the pain, I also feel like it's all just one bad story after another. And then after I realize this and I realize it's important to share that pain so those who also suffer can see that it is possible to get beyond the pain and it is possible to recover and NOT repeat the cycle. It is hard to talk about it though, it's hard on so many levels, but my biggest problem with this is one simple thing....I tried this before with a mommy board and it caused me so much pain it's not even funny! I was a member of this mommy board for years, talked to these same women for years, watched their babies grow into toddlers and big kids and they watched mine do the same. We became what we could call "close cyber-friends" never having met face to face and only seeing pictures of each others families. They claimed to be good christian women, people who were supposed to be loving and kind. I talked to them on the phone, even talked to their children on the phone and their stories were believable. Then one day I mentioned my rough childhood a little, they wanted to know more. We created an online journal room where only the closest in the group could see so that new-comers wouldn't be able to see the deepest parts of our lives, things we would normally only share with a friend. So I started talking, I started telling them some of my stories, I started to open up and share with them my pain and suffering as I have done on here. At first it was all good, a lot of "I'm so sorry you had to suffer so" "I'll pray for you" and other sympathetic things. But then one of them (no one ever admitted to doing it but I have my suspicions) took one of my posts and mass e-mailed it to a bunch of people she knew. She called me a freak, she laughed at my pain, she said that she didn't believe a word of it and that I was just seeking attention. The e-mail was also "accidentally" sent to me. I put that in quotes because I don't believe for one minute it was a mistake or an accident, they did that on purpose to cause me even greater pain I am sure. I was hurt and I called my so-called friend, I cried to her and she tried to comfort me telling me it was horrible and she couldn't believe anyone would do such a thing. A couple weeks later I was banned from the board for no reason what-so-ever. I just so happened knew the main administrators password (having been a co-admin and main design person for the board) so I logged in under her name thinking that MAYBE it was a mistake. She had her account set up to pop up any PM's she had so as soon as I logged in her PM's (that's private messages if you're wondering) popped up and there it was in black and white. She had sent messages to others telling them I was a liar, that I made up the stories from my past and that she didn't believe a word of what I had said in that forum. She was the so-called friend, the so-called christian I had called, yet here she was talking that way about me. She said one thing to my face while plotting behind my back with others to have me banned from her board and hurt me as much as humanly possible.



And so I sit here today debating whether or not it's safe to type out the words in my heart, to type out my thoughts. You see stories on the TV all the time of people abusing their kids, killing their kids, driving them into lakes, going the wrong way in traffic etc. Do they not believe those stories either? Is that just the media wanting attention? Do they really believe that everyone lives in this perfect little world where kids are wanted and loved by both parents and never sexually assaulted, beaten or neglected? Or perhaps they just don't want to see the evil in the world and therefore only see what their little minds allow them to see. I don't know what it is, but I will probably never go onto another mommy board again and let people see anything other than what is in the here and now, because my past is what it is, it made me who I am, but I refuse to let people call me a liar and tell me what did or did not happen to me as a child.

With all that said, I think this week I'll take a break from my childhood memories, I'll post another story next week, but this week, for some reason, it's just not happening for me so I won't push it.

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Another thought in my head this week is my sweet hubby :)

Yesterday we planned a surprise for Orion, we had planned to take him to WaterWhizz again but not tell him. The plan was to take him out to breakfast and then tell him that Daddy was going to come shopping with us at BJ's and be helpful. We generally do our shopping on Wednesdays so it would not really catch Orion off guard, we figured we would get on the highway like usual and just kind of miss the exit lol

At the exit Orion starts asking why we weren't there yet, he had seen the exit, just didn't notice that we didn't get off it. He asked what was taking so long since it usually only takes a minute after getting off the exit to get to BJ's. We told him that Garmin (the gps) told us to keep going and maybe it knew a different way. He shrugged it off and went back to looking out the window. As we finally got off the exit he really questioned us because he could see the big bridge that goes over the canal and knew we were down near the cape...so at this point we broke the news and told him we weren't really going shopping...to which he started bouncing in the seat and laughing and woohooing! He was thrilled with the surprise.

As we pulled up to the place we realized that we had figured the opening time wrong (weekdays they open a little later) so we drove down to the local Walmart, bought some new sunblock and walked around and then headed back. In the time it took us to do that the place became packed! There was a line at the entry gate that reminded me of a rock concert...probably a good hour if not longer wait to just walk in the gate....so we opted to leave and not do that. So as we drove away I suggested the beach (since we were already all the way down to the cape cod canal anyway) and hubby agreed it was a good plan. We found a great beach where parking was only 7 bucks and we had a blast! Orion dug in the sand, hubby an I had some good long conversation without interuption and everyone left feeling happy and content. It was nice to have a good conversation with hubby :)

Of course you're probably wondering why this all would make me think about how sweet he is??? Yeah I thought so...it's coming don't worry :)

At one point we walked out into the water and it was COLD water lol It was 95+ degrees outside so the ocean water felt extra cold but refreshing...but still tough to walk into. At one point I spotted this shiny white rock under the water...the water was so clear you could see everything and this rock just stood out! It was an amazingly bright white perfect quartz rock and I really wanted it...but I didn't want to go all the way under to get it. So I begged and pleaded with hubby and he (being the awesome sweet hubby that he is) went under into the cold depths of the ocean to grab me one little rock! It's now sitting here on my desk, a reminder of what a great guy I have that he'll brave the freezing ocean just for me :) Am I lucky or what?

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So ladies...I hope you have a great weekend :) Take some time to look at the people you love and if you're lucky enough to be married to a great guy (or even a not so great guy) find a new reason to fall in love all over again...it's totally worth it and very refreshing to say the least!

I've been tagged

I've been tagged by Jennie to name 6 things I love and that make me happy, she tagged me a few days ago, I just didn't realize it so here goes :)

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First and foremost my son Orion! He is my A-Number 1 little man that makes me smile on my worst days and makes everything clear! How could anyone not love this face

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A close second would be my hubby...he's my rock, my corner stone, my foundation. He's everything I could want in a man and more! He makes me happy and shows me unconditional love even when I don't feel I deserve it, he's one heck of a guy for sure!

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Third...definately COFFEE! Gotta have my junk, as a matter of fact, if I don't have it you don't even want to be near me, I'm a complete bear without my morning coffee...just ask my hubby or Orion, they'll agree 100% if I don't have coffee, it's not a good plan to even speak to me lol

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4th.....my work. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I love my job...I work from home on a schedule that I set around my life on a weekly basis. If something comes up and I need to cancel out I can...no problems, no hassles. If I want to take a vacation I just don't schedule myself to work, it's that simple. I only have to make sure I take at least 1 call in a 42 day period to keep my contract with the company. I get to be a stay at home mom and still make some money to help the family have fun...it's really a pretty sweet deal IMO!

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5th I love my pets...yes they drive me crazy sometimes (so do my husband and son and I still love them lol) but they are super sweet and cuddly and if I'm not feeling well they always nudge me and lay down with me and try to help me feel better. They love me unconditionally and always happily greet me when I walk in the door...especially the big 96 pound black lab named Gig. We have 5 cats, the dog and now the new teddy bear hamster as well. The hamster is still warming up to us, but he's getting more social and I'm sure in no time he'll appreciate the hand that feeds him just like the other animals in the house.

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finally my brothers and sisters...although we are all separated by many miles and we never see each other there is a bond that will forever be there. We are mutual survivors, we have a bond and we have a love that is deeper than those miles that keep us apart. We have all seen sorrow and pain, we have all suffered at our mothers hand and we have all come out all the stronger.

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So there you have it! Those are 6 of the many things that make me happy! Here are the ones that I am tagging!
1. Sandi

2. Sweet Mama Jones

3. Jeannie
4. Britainy

5. Snarky Mom

6. Melinda

OK ladies go tell me what you love and what makes you happy!

Thoughtful Thursday

The recent death of Orions pet has taken me back to a beloved pet I once had

Her name was Mitsy and she was my best friend! I loved my Mitsy with all my heart and sadly when I was about Orions age I lost her and it's all my mothers fault! See Mitsy had to live outdoors in a doghouse, she had to stay outdoors rain or shine, snow or heatwave, she was not allowed in the house. One cold winter day the weatherman warned that it was going to be the coldest night in years, he warned to bring all pets indoors, to not be outdoors yourself, that everyone should seek shelter and warmth. I begged, I pleaded, I cried "Please Mama she'll freeze to death!" The answer was a resounding NO! I asked if she could let her stay in the dirt basement, it would be warmer than the outdoors...the answer again was a resounding NO! All night I cried, I knew I would never see my Mitsy again.

The following morning I went to her doghouse, there she lay...frozen and dead! I had to say good-bye to my beloved Mitsy all because of a cold hearted woman wouldn't let her come in from the coldest night in years.

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"Mom why does everything have to cost so much?"

That's a question I am asked quite often and it usually makes me laugh...I don't know why everything costs so much but I agree with the kid when he says it's just too much to ask $2.75 for a gallon of gas! I swore I would NEVER EVER say this yet I find the words tumbling out of my mouth...

"I remember when......"

I remember when you could pull up to the pump, ask for $1 worth and actually be able to drive away without an empty tank still.

I remember when you could walk down to the local general store (alone or with only siblings) pick up bottles along the way (big ones were actually 10 cents, the cans were still 5 cents) and buy a buttload of candy with the money from the redemptions. I also remember the counter at said general store full of jars of stick candy, fireballs and tootsie rolls, etc for only 1 or 2 cents a piece!

I remember when coke was only a drink, not something you snorted up your nose and if you did snort it up your nose it was because something hillarious happened when you were in mid-sip

I remember rubbing baby oil all over my body in an attempt to get the best tan possible in the fastest manner possible. Who would have thought that you would actually want to BLOCK the sun????

I remember when the music you listened to came on vinyl and it was fun to listen to it on 78 speed where everything sounded like it was being sung by the Chipmunks. I also remember our car having an 8 track player in it..not a multi-disk changer or mp3 player!

I remember when kids entertained themselves with only their dolls, trucks, sticks and imaginations...there was no such thing as a DS, xBox or wii and certianly nothing like the internet!

I remember when the only phone you had was connected to the wall by a cord, the receiver was also connected by a cord and if someone was on the line when you called you heard the beep beep beep of a busy signal.

And finally....

I remember when I swore that I would NEVER say I remember when...it was everytime I heard my mother say something like "I remember when a loaf of bread was a nickel" lol I guess that'll teach me to listen better when people tell me to "Never say never"

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And so ends another Thoughtful Thursday. May anyone who reads this have a wonderful weekend and remember the next time the weatherman says it's gonna be rough on the animals and to bring them inside...it's a good idea to listen or your kids will remember and resent you FOREVER!

Good-bye Lightening

Orions little white mouse named Lightening went to be with her sister Zap this morning. Zap had passed away last winter. Orion had bought the 2 together about 2 to 2 1/2 years ago at the pet store with his allowance and loved them both very much. He often played with them, ran them in their ball and around his room. Lightening held out longer than Zap only because I was allergic to them and until we could find a solution I had placed them in the basement away from the main living area....it got too cold and Zap was found laying on top of Lightening to keep her warm....Lightening with the help of heating pads, warm water and lots of love and attention from Orion came back from the brinks of death, Zap was too far gone. I found a solution to my allergy online (glass tank instead of an open wire cage) and Lightening lived upstairs from that moment on. This morning we found her looking very tired and worn out and when we offered her pretzels (her favorite snack) she merely carried it to the corner, laid it down and then walked away. We knew she was going to die, she never passes up a pretzel! She lay in Orions hands while she faded, he petted her and sang to her and loved on her until her last breath. Then we put her in a tea box and laid her to rest in the ground outside behind the garage.

And incase your wondering....yes Lightening and Zap were named after the old school Gladiator Girls lol If you're my age you probably remember the Gladiators of the 80's....yep he likes the old show better and he named his mice after the 2 best ones.

The good and the bad of "Adderrall vacations"

At Orions med-check in May the pediatrician told me we need to get Orions weight up, He had grown quite a bit but hadn't put on a single pound.....all because adderral makes you lose your appetite and not eat. Orion will go all day and eat only a couple of forced bites of a sandwich for lunch, no snacks, no desire to eat at all. The pediatrician suggested we try giving him med vacations over the summer so he would eat food and gain some weight. Give him fattening food like donuts and ice cream, things that would make my hips grow at warp speed. So that is what we have done. I'll admit that somedays I simply can not deal with the hyperactivity, I can't take the level of energy he has so I have to give him meds so he'll actually listen and hear the words I say. I'll also admit that every Wednesday he takes a dose of meds so he bowls better for league and keeps us in the top 5, but for the most part I have been trying to let him have more days of no meds and just having fun as a kid in summer. When it rains for days on end, yes he gets meds...I like to keep my house resembling a home and not something Hurricane Orion took out. When he has meds he listens, he's a good helper around the house, he's fun to be around and I can keep up with him like an average everyday kind of parent, when he doesn't have meds...it's a whole different story.

Today, I let him go without, but today he also went to a birthday party. It was a 4 hour outdoor playing in the water kind of party so I thought he would be ok....turns out he's the only kid who got spoken to because he was nailing the other kids with water balloons when he wasn't supposed to and he had to have a little sit down. That's the downside of adderrall vacations....my kid will be the one kid who gets out of control at the party......I wonder what he'll be like in another 10 or 12 years when he's in college at a party.....hmmmmm do I dare imagine???? I don't think so!!!

Thoughtful Thursday...........

Thank you Sweet Mama Jones for giving a good topic for this week :)

This is actually a memory of when I was 6 or 7 years old...it always makes me laugh, makes me smile, it was the day my mother was struck by lightening. No I am not a sicko, so take that thought right out of your head...I think it was the wrath of God trying to punish her , it was mother natures justice, it didn't kill her so it's all good.

See it was a rainy thundering day and mother decided for some reason she needed to go out and move the picnic table off the grass. I don't know why but she simply had to so she goes out there in the thunder and lightening and I had to watch from the front step praying (in my evil little head) for her to get hit. The rain poured down hard (it would have been termed raining cats and dogs) she was soaking wet, her long brown hair hanging down her back in into her face, plastered to her skin. Her clothing was soaked yet she dragged that picnic table off the grass, then I heard the boom of the thunder and looked up into the sky as this big bolt came down from the sky and suddenly my mother was no longer holding onto the table, but was instead standing frozen glowing with light. She shook a bit then dropped to the ground and did not move. I yelled to my brother "I think mom is dead!" and he laughed, literally he laughed. I think he thought I was joking at first, but I really did think she was dead. It had been kind of comical looking and inspite the drastic scene I did find myself giggling a little. A part of me was scared...what would happen to us now? Another part was rejoicing...kind of like the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz...the evil witch was dead. Of course it turned out she wasn't dead, she had a pulse and she survived to beat me another day, but that day she didn't have the energy nor did she muster the energy for a couple of weeks. I enjoyed my vacation from hell.

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Another funny memory of my mother...since I'm working on her misfortunes that made me giggle...was when a bird crapped on her head! I don't want to use the "sh word", I'm being polite and using kid talk lol Anyway, it was a nice summer day, I think I was maybe 5 and we were all sitting around the picnic table when this bird flew overhead. Mother fwlt something hit her in the head and we al saw this black-n-white blob on top of her head dripping down the side, she puts her hand up to feel it and starts yelling and cursing....we kids burst out laughing it was totally AWESOME!!! Mother nature sure knew how to dish it out.

BTW, for even better laughs, it happened again when I was about 10, totally cool! What are the chances of having a bird crap on your head twice in your lifetime??

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I'm running late for work so I gotta cut this one short. Tomorrow we're taking Orion off to the beach for the day and I will try to get pictures to share...won't be taking the digital (salt water and digital cameras don't mix) but I'm sure I'll be able to convince hubby to get one of those water proof disposables so we can remember the day on photo paper.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend and remember....life is what you make of it so make something yummy covered in chocolate :)

An update on Stellan and other thoughts

Thought you might like a little update on Stellan...the little boy with the rapidly beating heart...well he's doing AMAZING! He never ended up coming to Boston, he actually started responding to a completely new and different drug and his little heart slowed down enough that they sent him home. He will eventually need to come to Boston for the surgery to repair his heart, but now they can try to wait until he is bigger and/or older. He is on daily doses of heart meds to keep his heart beating properly, but he is home and doing well.

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I have the best husband in the world...no seriously I do! We've been together for over 18 years now and he still amazes me. I come from a prettty rough background, thus I bring into our relationship A LOT OF BAGGAGE! I am sure that I am not the easiest person to live with on my best days, yet he's still here, still loves me and still hugs and kisses me good night every night. Don't get me wrong....we fight and we fuss like cats and dogs at times but any good relationship has that....I personally think that if you truly care you will fight, the ones you don't fight with are the ones you really don't care all that much about losing...JMO but it sounds good doesn't it?

Back to hubby...he takes really good care of me, makes me smile and makes me laugh. He is my solid rock when I need one, never soft sand. I am actually amazed that he puts up with me and my emotional turmoil that I can only compare to an emotional hurricane or tornado! As you may have seen in my Flashy Fridays and Thoughtful Thursdays my life before was not pretty and that is what creates such turmoil for me. He is strong, weathers my storms and helps me through as well, somedays I feel like he carries me way more than he should and I am so grateful for his strength and love every single day!

The link I said I would post for you

For anyone who might want to read more about the the little boy placed for adoption on craigslist

http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO120552/

Web Warning...watch your blog photos

This is an ad on craigslist:

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A CUTE BABY BOY FOR ADOPTION (LONDON)
Date: 2009-07-19, 11:16AM BSTReply to: mailto:peter_mark76@yahoo.com?subject=A%20CUTE%20BABY%20BOY%20FOR%20ADOPTION%20(LONDON) [Errors when replying to ads?]
A CUTE BABY BOY FOR ADOPTION HE IS VERY HEALTHY AND READY FOR ADOPTION FOR MORE YOU COME BACK TO US
Location: LONDON
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1277456374

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The saddest part of it all is this baby that they are offering up for adoption is actually the 8 month old son of a woman who lives jst a couple towns over from me!

I saw it on the news just this morning, I can't find a link to the story online but if I do find it I will post it. The basics of it is this:

The mom received an e-mail that she needed to see this ad. The woman then went to the ad and replied to it looking for more information. She received a photo of her own son that she had posted on her family blog! Yahoo has closed out the e-mail account posted but the authorities would not verify to the news station whether or not they wee investigating further. The mother says that although her son is not being physically harmed she feels he is somehow being violated.

Can you imagine this womans anger? Can you imagine being her? I have seen people on mommy message boards do stuff like this, steal photos from a blog and then create an identity, use the photos as their own children and feed their fantasy life. I don't know why these people do this, but it's so wrong....and this seems even worse to me. Personally I can't see looking on craigslist for adoption unless it's a dog or a cat, a human child is not something I would turn to craigslist for, it's just whacked in so many ways. I think of the people who are that desparate though, the people who want to adopt and can't go through regular channels to get the child they want so they turn to something more shady like craigslist only to be duped, get their money taken and never get the child they so desire because he belongs to someone else. Or worse, perhaps these people would concider stealing this child and actually going through with the adoption...I wouldn't put it past the sickos in this world to do just that! Honestly I hope this was just some sicko looking to make a fast buck and that thought never crossed thier mind.

Hug your children people and watch what you post. Concider watermarking your photos or even locking up your photos so that only the people you let in can see them. I used to mark all of mine, I might go back to it on principle, it's a sick sad world we live in, let's help our little ones stay safe!

Thoughtful Thursday.......

Here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to think about my past.....which is NOT something I generally relish. I try to avoid it most days, but I read somewheres that wasn't healthy and that I should look into my life, let go of what's in there and then I will FINALLY be able to move onward. I think it was a message from my older sister through Facebook, but whatever, she's older and wiser than me so I'll take her word for it.

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If you are asking what "Thoughtful Thursday" is...here's the low-down. I was an abused child...was being the operative word! I am no longer a child and other than my husbands poorly chosen words on occassion (like who doesn't choose to use harsh words in an argument right?) I am no longer abused. However I have repressed and hidden a lot of my past away in the furthest regions of my mind, tucked safely away where it can no longer be seen. Problem is that as long as it sits there, it festers like some hidden unknown cancer, eating away at my very soul, causing me undo stress and suffering that I no longer need. It causes me to lash out when I shouldn't, it causes my depression and it makes me sad inside. I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore and this is one cancer I CAN and WILL cure! I have come to the conclussion that if I look into my past, if I force myself to remember, then I can release it and move on with my life a much happier person....and why pay someone to sit and listen to my tale when I can blog it weekly for free and PERHAPS someone else will read these words, they will have suffered as I have and they could use my newfound strength to help themselves.

So onward to this weeks therapy session...here's todays Thoughtful Thursday

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I feel the need to talk about my father today, it's such a hard topic to discuss because he was a very sick man in so many ways! However, since talking about my mother these past few weeks, I have come to the realization that SHE was evil, but HE was 10 times worse...maybe even more! HE is what I truly need to recover from!

Let me give you a little background....when I was 2 my mother found my father molesting my 8 year old older sister. My mother screamed and hollered and yelled and he swore it would never happen again....did she kick him out? Did she call the cops? Did she do anything other than run her mouth? NO, NO and again NO! Sadly, she let him stay and believed his stupid lie. He just became more careful and made sure he was never cought again. I was the youngest of 7 children, 4 of us were girls, 3 of us girls were blonde the other a brunette...guess what hair color he liked...yep, he only went for the blondes. My one lucky sister has no idea just how lucky she was! Since we're being honest here, let me throw you for a loop and retract that statement......I am number 7 of 8 children, my little sister is also my niece (get my drift) When my older sister became pregnant at 16 everyone thought she was just a "bad girl" although my other blonde sister and myself knew the reality. I was 4 when my "niece" was born, I never saw my sister after she left to deliver the baby because once she realized she had a daughter she was not coming back...and who could blame her??

I was 2 when my father started in on me, still just a baby but that didn't bother him. He bribed me with candy...little orange circus peanuts. He would come home from work around midnight and everyone would be asleep except for me...I often had trouble sleeping, perhaps it was because I had to sleep in the living room on the floor, perhaps it was fear that kept me awake, whatever it was I was always awake and my mother was not. I was easy access, my older sisters all shared a room upstairs on the far side of the house and he would have to creep through without making any moise, go upstairs, try to get one of the girls out of their bed without waking any of the others or he could just walk in the door, wave the bag of circus peanuts and say "psst" really quietly and the little blonde girl would go to him. Why I went to him, why I fell for it, I'll never know. Perhaps it was a desire to be loved and feel loved that made me do it, but whatever it was it was no excuse for what he would do!

Once I got to him he would whisper that we should go to the shed so that mommy wouldn't hear the bag, so we would sneak out the back kitchen door into the storage area where there was a bare mattress lying on the floor....now that I picture this in my head I wonder how my mother could have been so blind! How could she see the mattress lying there and think it wasn't being used for something evil and so totally wrong???? Anyway, that is where he would sit me down, help me open the bag and then proceed to kiss me as I ate the candy, then he would lay me back and take off my jammies and whisper "shhhhhhh" Then he would lay on top of me so that I could barely breath but he would hold himself up enough to not smother me...right at the point where if I screamed it would be muffled by his body but wouldn't completely smother me...and then he would penetrate me! A small, frail, helpless 2 year old child! He did this until I was 7, until the day he packed his bags and left. That was one of the happiest days of my life, the day he walked out that door, tossed his suitcase in his trunk and drove away! In the years to follow he would try to get me to come visit him, try to convince me to go on a car ride, but I was not so young and stupid anymore and I could not be bribed with a bag of circus peanuts anymore. Oh I was not stupid, I would take his bag of candy and enjoy it, but I would not get in the car wih him and I would not be anywhere alone with him EVER AGAIN! There was still plenty of pain and suffering in my life...my mother physically abusing me, my older brother sexually molesting me, and the taunting and teasing that went on at school because I was wierd (if only they knew why I was so wierd) but that one bit of suffering was gone and I rejoiced in that fact!

All of this brings me back to a bitter resentment at my mother....you might be thinking it's because I think she should have recognized what he was doing, you might think it's because I think she should have stopped him, you might think it's because I feel she should have kicked him out the first time she found him with any of us girls...but it's none of those! The reason I am so bitter at my mother is beacause so many years later, when I was in college, I told her why I hated my father and her response was that I needed to stop fantasizing! Yes, she actually thought it was some sick fantasy of mine, she claims that after she found my father with my older sister that she NEVER let him be alone with any of use girls ever again, she says it was impossible for him to have molested me and that I was so overly jealous of my older sister that I was putting myself into her shoes and fantasizing that her life had been mine! Can you believe that? Who the hell fantasizes that their father raped them on a regular basis from the time they were 2 until they were 7??? Seriously the woman was mad out of her mind to think that anyone would actually fantasize about such an evil and completely wrong thing!!! So yeah, I'm a bit bitter towards her for that and I probably always will be! In the meantime, if she needs so real proof, she can take a look at my ultrasounds of my uterus, she can go talk to my doctors who were amazed that I could ever carry a child to term given the extensive scar tissue and damage caused by his abuse. She can talk to the doctor who told me that I would never carry another child and if I did my uterus would give out by 4 months along killing me and the baby as well....thus my tubes are tied and fried. He took so much away from me and she took evn more when she said it was all just some fantasy!

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OK onto something happier...if you got this far THANKS for listening, I hope if you have suffered my fates you will see that I have picked up the pieces and I have made it my goal to be happy in spite of the pain. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a wonderful son who may drive me bonkers at times but still keeps me happy and well rounded. It is him mostly that motivates me to visit my past and move onward because if I'm not happy inside he can see it and it makes him sad...and I never want to make my boy sad if I can help it. SO I help myself so I can help him grow up into a wonderful man! My life is not what it was, it is what I make of it! I can turn it around, I can make it a happier life and I have the power to make all that stuff in the past be nothing but a bad horror movie that sits on a shelf and doesn't get watched. Occassionally I'll see a clip of it, a preview of a rerun on tv so to speak, but I don't have to relive it, I don't have to repeat it and I certianly can change the channel if it comes onto my screen. I can admit it was a part part of my life, I can recall it so I know what not to do when it comes to raising my son, but it's not me and it's certianly not my life anymore!

This is my life now...

my life as Orions Mom and I LOVE this life, this life makes me happy!

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And those are my thoughts for this Thursday! Orion is off to my mother-in-laws for the weekend so I won't be around much the next few days as I enjoy some alone time with hubby!

Stellan Update

Stellan has to be airlifted to Boston Childrens Hospital, it's really one of the best childrens hospitals in the world so he will be in very good hands! Hopefully Stellan pulls through this. I am not sure when he will be airlifted but it will happen. Stellan needs to undergo some procedures that I don't totally understand, but basically they had wanted to wait until he was 4 years old or 20 kilos in weight...but they can't wait for that now. He has been surviving a heartrate of 210+ bpm for 3 days now and there really seems to be no other options. Stellan, his mother and father will all go to Boston for the procedure and hopfully there will be a good outcome. He may end up with a pace maker for the rest of his life, but at least it will be a life and one that doctors never thought would happen. Keep praying and check in at their blog (click on the photo in my previous post) Also follow on twitter if possible (link is also in my previous post) as MckMama seems to be updating that pretty regularly.

If you are the praying type...PLEASE DO

This is an urgent request!

I'm not one to normally turn to God for things, I constantly question his existance in a world full of evil. I constantly wonder which religion is right, but right now it truly doesn't matter if God is a man or a woman, if he's some fat dude with a big belly or some skinny guy who was tacked to a cross...whatever your belief, if you pray PLEASE pray for this little boy

Stellan is a miracle if ever there was one, I constantly read this blog amazed that this little boy is alive and thriving dispite his diagnosis in the uterus that his heart was too big and he would surely die. They didn't think he would live to be born, they didn't think he would live more than a few hours after birth, yet he's now almost 9 months old and sadly today he is fading. His heart will not stop beating at a dangerously high rate of 230+ bpm...that's beats PER minute!!! He is suffering and in bad shape and his little heart will not be able to take much more, the doctors haven't said as much but if you know anything about the human heart you know it just was not made to beat that fast for any length of time. So please, please go check out the blog (click on the picture) and send out prayers to whatever you believe in because this little boy really needs it!

If you use Twitter, Stellans mom has been updating on there as well http://twitter.com/MckMama it's more up to date than the blog. This was her last post

"Dr B told us "He's in bad shape." I'm trying to hold fast. Dr B is trying to ring Boston again. Will you pray!??!21 minutes ago from Tweetie "

Thank you

Making a change..........

Flashy Friday will become Thoughtful Thursday and here's why...I'm almost never on the computer on Fridays anymore! Some weeks I work late on Thursday night so I am actually here in the wee hours of the morning on Friday, but more often than not I'm just not here on a Friday. Friday is my day off of work and since I work on the computer I try to avoid it on my day off if I can.

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Now for those who are new to (what was ) Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is (was) my cheap therapy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Thoughtful Thursday.

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I've been doing a lot of reflecting this past week, it seems the older my son gets the more stuff comes back to me. I'm guessing this has a lot to do with the fact that it's becoming easier to remember things that happened when I was his age since early memories in general are fewer and further between. People seem to only remember little bits and pieces of their childhood before they were 7 or 8 years old, and it seems to me the older I get the harder it becomes. However as I watch my son struggle with a punishment recently handed out for wrong-doings or even just watching him play with his cats I suddenly find my mind bringing up things I had completely forgotten about and I am amazed with how wonderful the mind is at protecting its human. If I had remembered some of these things years ago I probably would have been too afraid to do so many of the things I do on a daily basis, honestly I think I would be even more afraid of my own shadow than I already am...if that's even possible! My mind has blocked out so much and a part of me thinks it's because if I were younger I wouldn't be able to deal with it, I wouldn't be able to handle the emotional turmoil. Now that I am "older and wiser" as they say, I can handle more so my mind is slowly opening the window into my world, my life that was. Now that I am older I can look at it, learn a lesson or just release it into the wild and let it go. It's kind of like that pesky little moth that gets into the house when I take the dog out...it flutters around the light for awhile and then it dies, never to be thought of again (or it gets eatten by one of the cats which is even more entertaining to watch lol)

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My mother was a scary woman on her best days, I feared her like my son fears getting stolen at the mall. When I was his age I practically begged to be stolen...I remember standing on the side of the road when a big truck would happen to come through, I would stick out my leg, hold up my thumb and pray to the powers that be for that truck driver to stop and take me away. However all they ever did was drive on by, occassionally honking their horn thinking I just wanted to hear the big loud mac truck horn. I always walked away sad thinking I was never getting out, I was never going to get out of that world alive. Once my big brother turned 18 I was done for, I just knew it! See big brother was my keeper, he looked out for me and made sure I survived my youth. Yes, he was a mean big brother sometimes, he would tear the head off my doll and throw the pieces over the porch rail into the mud....and then laugh in my face as I cried....but he also kept me alive LITERALLY! I clearly remember the scar he has on his left breast, the scar he got because he stepped in front of me!

It was late evening, it had been my turn to clear the table and I had forgotten a knife..one knife. I was the youngest of 7 chldren, there were lots of plates and forks and knives on the table, but I forgot 1, just 1. Mother screamed my name from the kitchen and it was one of those screams that tears right through you because you know it means trouble. Every child in our house knew that scream, it was something out of a horror movie, you just knew you were going to get it. The knot in your stomach grows and tightens, you feel sick with anticipation...the thoughts start going through your brain..."What did I do?" "What did I forget?" "How bad is this going to be?" You slowly walk out through the living room toward the kitchen...all my brothers and sisters eyes upon me. They knew that scream, they knew I had done something and they knew I was gonna get it yet again. I take deep breaths trying to keep myself strong knowing if I walk in there scared and crying I'm gonna get it so much worse, I must be strong, I must be brave but I truly want to run out the door and never come back! As I walk toward the kitchen door I am aware of my big brother, he's right there near me, his very presense giving me strength to walk as she continues to scream for me to get into the kitchen RIGHT NOW! Then as I walk in the door I find myself walking into my brother as he steps in front of me.....I hadn't seen it coming but he had....all I had heard was "What is this doing on the table? You were supposed to clear the table!" Big brother had seen the knife sailing across the room, he had stepped between me and that knife and he took it for me. If he had not done that it would have gone straight into my eye socket I'm sure, instead it went into his chest. I'll never forget that look on his face, not pain, not shock, it was nothing but a calm rage. You could see the rage in his eyes but he had a calmness that was outside the moment, something out of place. He simply pulled the knife out of his chest, tossed it into the sink, glared into her eyes and said "Don't you EVER do that again" It was calmly stated but you could tell there was a rage there behind those words. he turned and walked away to tend to his wound, my mother silenced by my big brother. I washed the knife dripping with his blood, dried it and put it away. I walked out of the kitchen without a beating that night, saved by a big brother who knew the signs of trouble, a big brother who was stronger than I could ever dream of being.

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This past week I took my son to the beach....you can see the photos in my previous post. He had a great time but while I was there I couldn't help but be reminded of the very first time I ever went to the beach. We were in foster care and my older sister had this blue bathing suit...it was one of those swimsuits that had no top straps, just relied on your boobs to hold it up...well my sister she didn't really have a set (still doesn't but that's beside the point lol) My sister was often refered to as a carpenters dream (flat as a board and never been screwed) once I realized the importance of boobs, I felt sorry for her. ANYWAY....the first time we ever went to the beach was Hampton Beach in New Hampshire with our foster family and as the waves hit my sister she did not know their force. they knocked her over and took her swimsuit with it. She stood up wiping the water off her face totally not realizing that her swimsuit was down by her ankles. I believe the swimsuit was thrown away as soon as we got home and she has never worn one without straps to keep it up since. Of course this was a learning experience for me as well....tan lines are ok as long as your suit is gonna stay up!

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And on that note I will leave you for the day, probably the weekend. Hope everyone has a great, fun-filled and rain free weekend :)