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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Thoughtful Thursday

So here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to lay my thoughts out on the table.


I've come to the conclussion that I can only hash out the memories of my childhood so much, it's tiring and makes me quite exhausted! I hate thinking about it, and although I know it's good to recognize what has happened in your life and learn something from the pain, I also feel like it's all just one bad story after another. And then after I realize this and I realize it's important to share that pain so those who also suffer can see that it is possible to get beyond the pain and it is possible to recover and NOT repeat the cycle. It is hard to talk about it though, it's hard on so many levels, but my biggest problem with this is one simple thing....I tried this before with a mommy board and it caused me so much pain it's not even funny! I was a member of this mommy board for years, talked to these same women for years, watched their babies grow into toddlers and big kids and they watched mine do the same. We became what we could call "close cyber-friends" never having met face to face and only seeing pictures of each others families. They claimed to be good christian women, people who were supposed to be loving and kind. I talked to them on the phone, even talked to their children on the phone and their stories were believable. Then one day I mentioned my rough childhood a little, they wanted to know more. We created an online journal room where only the closest in the group could see so that new-comers wouldn't be able to see the deepest parts of our lives, things we would normally only share with a friend. So I started talking, I started telling them some of my stories, I started to open up and share with them my pain and suffering as I have done on here. At first it was all good, a lot of "I'm so sorry you had to suffer so" "I'll pray for you" and other sympathetic things. But then one of them (no one ever admitted to doing it but I have my suspicions) took one of my posts and mass e-mailed it to a bunch of people she knew. She called me a freak, she laughed at my pain, she said that she didn't believe a word of it and that I was just seeking attention. The e-mail was also "accidentally" sent to me. I put that in quotes because I don't believe for one minute it was a mistake or an accident, they did that on purpose to cause me even greater pain I am sure. I was hurt and I called my so-called friend, I cried to her and she tried to comfort me telling me it was horrible and she couldn't believe anyone would do such a thing. A couple weeks later I was banned from the board for no reason what-so-ever. I just so happened knew the main administrators password (having been a co-admin and main design person for the board) so I logged in under her name thinking that MAYBE it was a mistake. She had her account set up to pop up any PM's she had so as soon as I logged in her PM's (that's private messages if you're wondering) popped up and there it was in black and white. She had sent messages to others telling them I was a liar, that I made up the stories from my past and that she didn't believe a word of what I had said in that forum. She was the so-called friend, the so-called christian I had called, yet here she was talking that way about me. She said one thing to my face while plotting behind my back with others to have me banned from her board and hurt me as much as humanly possible.

And so I sit here today debating whether or not it's safe to type out the words in my heart, to type out my thoughts. You see stories on the TV all the time of people abusing their kids, killing their kids, driving them into lakes, going the wrong way in traffic etc. Do they not believe those stories either? Is that just the media wanting attention? Do they really believe that everyone lives in this perfect little world where kids are wanted and loved by both parents and never sexually assaulted, beaten or neglected? Or perhaps they just don't want to see the evil in the world and therefore only see what their little minds allow them to see. I don't know what it is, but I will probably never go onto another mommy board again and let people see anything other than what is in the here and now, because my past is what it is, it made me who I am, but I refuse to let people call me a liar and tell me what did or did not happen to me as a child.

With all that said, I think this week I'll take a break from my childhood memories, I'll post another story next week, but this week, for some reason, it's just not happening for me so I won't push it.


Another thought in my head this week is my sweet hubby :)

Yesterday we planned a surprise for Orion, we had planned to take him to WaterWhizz again but not tell him. The plan was to take him out to breakfast and then tell him that Daddy was going to come shopping with us at BJ's and be helpful. We generally do our shopping on Wednesdays so it would not really catch Orion off guard, we figured we would get on the highway like usual and just kind of miss the exit lol

At the exit Orion starts asking why we weren't there yet, he had seen the exit, just didn't notice that we didn't get off it. He asked what was taking so long since it usually only takes a minute after getting off the exit to get to BJ's. We told him that Garmin (the gps) told us to keep going and maybe it knew a different way. He shrugged it off and went back to looking out the window. As we finally got off the exit he really questioned us because he could see the big bridge that goes over the canal and knew we were down near the at this point we broke the news and told him we weren't really going which he started bouncing in the seat and laughing and woohooing! He was thrilled with the surprise.

As we pulled up to the place we realized that we had figured the opening time wrong (weekdays they open a little later) so we drove down to the local Walmart, bought some new sunblock and walked around and then headed back. In the time it took us to do that the place became packed! There was a line at the entry gate that reminded me of a rock concert...probably a good hour if not longer wait to just walk in the we opted to leave and not do that. So as we drove away I suggested the beach (since we were already all the way down to the cape cod canal anyway) and hubby agreed it was a good plan. We found a great beach where parking was only 7 bucks and we had a blast! Orion dug in the sand, hubby an I had some good long conversation without interuption and everyone left feeling happy and content. It was nice to have a good conversation with hubby :)

Of course you're probably wondering why this all would make me think about how sweet he is??? Yeah I thought's coming don't worry :)

At one point we walked out into the water and it was COLD water lol It was 95+ degrees outside so the ocean water felt extra cold but refreshing...but still tough to walk into. At one point I spotted this shiny white rock under the water...the water was so clear you could see everything and this rock just stood out! It was an amazingly bright white perfect quartz rock and I really wanted it...but I didn't want to go all the way under to get it. So I begged and pleaded with hubby and he (being the awesome sweet hubby that he is) went under into the cold depths of the ocean to grab me one little rock! It's now sitting here on my desk, a reminder of what a great guy I have that he'll brave the freezing ocean just for me :) Am I lucky or what?


So ladies...I hope you have a great weekend :) Take some time to look at the people you love and if you're lucky enough to be married to a great guy (or even a not so great guy) find a new reason to fall in love all over's totally worth it and very refreshing to say the least!

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