Sorry

I missed Thoughtful Thursday....honestly Thursday just came and went and I completely blanked on it. Hubby had the day off but Orion didn't so...well let your imagination run wild for a few and you'll figure out how my day started lol I took the night off my work as well and watched re-runs of Greys Anatomy and Private Practice and then cuddled with Orion since he supposedly had a bad dream...I think he just wanted to sleep in my bed and cuddle with me but how can I possibly say no to his sweet little face when he comes staggering out to the living room looking all pathetic and half asleep asking so kindly if I could come cuddle with him cause a scary dream woke him up? And how could I possibly say no when that same sweet face looks up at me and says "I think we would be more comfortable in your bed, mine is too small for 2 people." Yeah I'm a sucker and he knows how to play me......I can admit as much lol So Thursday came and went and I didn't post or even think about my mother for once....ahhh so refreshing!

You see, I often experience things in my life as Orions Mom and I can't help but think to myself "Why couldn't my mother have been like me?" or "How could my mother hurt her own child?" I can't fathom it, I just can't. People say all the time that she must have been an abused child herself, that she was born in 1933 and back then you did as you were told or you got the snot beat out you SO she was only raising me the only way she knew how...I say that's a load of bull****! I was an abused child and the last thing I want to do to my child is make him feel the way I felt. Even before I went into foster care I would constantly think to myself...I will NEVER be like her! When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I had one answer..."I want to be a better mommy than I have!" It's all I ever wanted, saying that you beat your kids because you don't know any better is just an excuse for your own weakness and heartlessness. You know it's wrong, you know what it feels like so why would you ever subject another human being to such torture?? It just doesn't compute...I can't comprehend the concept at all! Besides...she made sure she was never seen hitting us, she made sure we were never bruised in places that could be seen by people and she made sure we didn't cry out so the neighbors wouldn't hear...she knew it was wrong and she knew if she got cought she would be in trouble, yet she continued anyway. When we went into foster care and we had to go into the court and tell the judge if we wanted to go back and live with her she told the judge I was lying, that she never laid a hand on me except to hug me, she swore up and down that she never even spanked. She claimed she used time-outs or taking things away, she would never lay a hand on her child...I never understood how she could stand there and lie to the judges face like that? She would look him square in the eye and lie to him...luckily the judge listened to me and told my social worker that if I didn't want to go home I would have to be kept in foster care because I didn't feel safe there and kids need to feel safe. He saw right through her or he just felt sorry for me, either way I won and was never forced to go back home. I remained in foster care until I was 18 and went off to college. The system may be messed up and there may be some crappy social workers out there, maybe I just got lucky but I got a really good one and Karen was AWESOME! She took good care of me, got me into good homes and helped me through some really rough patches!