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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Thoughtful Thursday

Happy Thursday everyone :)
This week I am going to talk about a time when I was 4 years old...this does not involve my mother it involves my older brother #2.
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Older brother #2 was 15 years older than me so when WWVA down in Wheeling West Virginia asked us to come perform on the radio live, he got the job of babysitting me. My mother felt that since I was only 4 I would not be much fun in the car, especially since I tend to get car sick on long rides. So big brother #3, big sisters #2 and #3 got into the car with mother and father and drove off leaving me behind to hang with big brother #2.
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Big brother #2 was ok at first, he was slightly mentally retarded (no really he was I'm not just being mean) so even though he was 19 he was a bit childish and was still fun to hang out with...or so I thought! That night, as 7pm rolled around he decided it was time for me to have a bath. Now I had already had my weekly bath, so I knew I wasn't supposed to have one, but he insisted that mother told him I should have one and if I didn't do as he said he was going to get on the phone, call mother and then I would get in big trouble when she got home...trust me I got into that tub in record timing! He let me play in the tub until the water got cold (unheard of in my youth so woohoo I was happy) and then helped to dry me off...this is where he became Evil Brother.
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He dried me off and when I tried to put on my jammies he told me that mother said I was not to wear clothes to bed that night. I was scared since I knew what daddy did when I didn't have clothes on so I argued and fought with him, but he again pulled the "mother card" and told me he was going to call her and tell on me if I didn't obey his every word....so I sucked up my tears and did as I was told.
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I was told to parade through the living room in no clothes, to run across the couch, to bounce on the bed, all without my clothes on. As I did this, he took his clothes off and began to encourage himself as he watched my little girl body bounce and run and play. Then he made me lay down on the couch where he proceeded to take full advantage of me. As I began to cry he told me not to, I couldn't help it and so he got off me and went over to the phone and began to dial a number. I begged and pleaded for him to not call her so he hung up and told me all I had to do was do everything he said and he would not call. So I sucked back those tears, went into my "zone" and let him do what my father had done so many times before. After he finished, he cleaned himself up and told me to wash up too. I washed up the the sink with a washcloth and thought that would be the end of it...but he was not finished. He put me to bed and lay down next to me, I prayed to whatever god might be listening to please let him fall asleep and leave me alone even though he had refused me jammies, but god did not listen. He proceeded to rape me over and over and over again all night...and all day...and all night...over and over again for a full 5 days until they came back home!
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I distinctly remember, as the blue Chevy pulled into the driveway, him leaning in close, putting his finger over his lips and saying "shhhh it's our little secret"
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Sorry, that's all I got today...I can't go on and remember more. I know normally I share at least 2 memories, but that took more out of me than I realized so I'm going to call it quits for this week. You have to understand, as I type these scenes out I remember them very vividly and even though I don't give as many details as run through my brain I can actually see these things happening again. I can smell the smells, I can see it all in full color in my minds eye, its there and it's real. I think that's because I used to go into that "zone" almost like an outer body experience, like it was someone else living that nightmare. I used to study psychology in school, and I remember reading about people who went through stuff like I did ending up with multiple personality disorders and although I don't think I truly have multiple personalities, I do feel I have some minor form of it. I can tell you that if hubby raises his voice or says a certian word in an argument I feel the switch flip, I can tell I'm going back into that "zone" without even thinking about it...it became habit something that just automatically happens when I get scared or upset. It took me a very long time to not slip into my "zone" everytime I tried to have sex with my husband...sex was very scary for me for a very long time! Luckily he was patient and kind and now it's what it was meant to be and not something that terrifies me. Thankfully, due to hubby being so patient and loving, I don't slip into my "zone" anywhere near as much as I used to and the best part is he can tell by my expression that I'm going there and he stops and pulls me back out. I don't know where I would be without him, somedays I think it would probably be somewhere small and padded.
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Well I'm off, I have lots to do the next few days with the birthday party coming up. I'll share pictures as soon as I catch my breath lol



1 comment:

Sweet Mama Jones said...

Your blog looks pretty. :)
Please tell me those who did these things to you have paid the piper in some way...its things like this that make me struggle with faith.
I hope you are feeling better, I am sure the emotions from writing that are hard to contend with.