So today I was talking to my sister on the phone and our conversation (as it usually does) wandered back into our youth and our nightmare of a childhood that we survived. This is older sister #3, 3 years older than me and the one I am close to. I occassionally will exchange words with older sister #2 on facebook, but we never talk on the phone or anything like that. She is 6 years older than I am and she was often more of a mother figure to me than a sister and a friend. Older sister #3 is not only a sister but also a friend. So we started talking about her weight since she had posted it on facebook and I was joking because she's always been lighter than me and for once I weigh less than her. She commented on how she had never weighed this much except when she had been pregnant and I jokingly asked her if she was. I commented how we knew accidents could happen....just look at me, I was always told I was an accident that shouldn't have happened. It was here that she let it slip.....mother used to also call me her "love child" and I always had a hard time figuring out how I could be a "love child" and still be an accident. I don't know how I didn't put all this into perspective before.
She said that she wasn't supposed to tell me, I asked her what...heck I'm almost 40 now, have survived a lot in life I think I can handle this one. So she asked if I ever wondered why our father had refused to offer his blood when we were studying genetics in high school...I hadn't really thought about it back then and had actually forgotten until she mentioned it. Well apparently around the time I was conceived my mother had an affair with the next door neighbor and apparently the man I thought was my father actually was just the father of my siblings and not the father of me. He knew he wasn't my father, everyone knew he was not my father...everyone except me. It was the family secret that was not to be let out. I always knew the mailman was my father, I had always wondered and thought about it, but until today I did not know that my gut instinct had been right all along!
Honestly I'm not sure how I feel about all this, I'm not sure if it's a good thing to know. My sister had been afraid that I would be angry and hate her forever over it, I don't hate her at all. I know it's not proven fact and that it's all just words and perhaps mother thought her affair produced this love child when in all reality the man that I thought was my father is indeed my father. They didn't do any paternity testing ever, the name on my birth certificate is my mothers husband at the time, not even the man who was supposed to have been my father (it was a crazy existance that maybe I'll go into details on Thursday about) I just don't know what to think. The man who my sister says is my biological father was a dirty old man, but then again so was the man I have believed all these years to be my father. Does it really make a difference?? I'm not so sure. I'm too old for this crap! This is what happens after years and years of hidden secrets come to the surface!