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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Thoughtful Thursdays................

Here we are on another Thursday, time for me to think about as it was, life as it is, and life as it will be in  the future.

Today I had a wonderful conversation with my son. We did a lot of shopping, vets, etc and I love the car rides because it's a great time to talk and have conversation. I find that Orion talks more when we're in the car and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he knows I have to keep my eyes on the road and can't look at him as much. When I can't see his face I can't see if he's uncomfortable or making a face at me or whatever so it relaxes him some and we can talk.

Today our talk started out by talking about our vacation coming up. I told him I want to face some fears this trip and that the reason I am doing it is because I feel I am not setting a very good example for him when I refuse to do something just because I'm afraid...especially when I know that it's all in my head and I really have nothing to be afraid of. See, I have this fear of dark places (remember the closet under the stairs) and I have a fear of going under water because of a car "accident" when I was little. I put the word accident in quotes because I don't think it truly was an accident...I was little so I don't think I'll ever know the truth on it, but deep down I think my evil egg donor was actually trying to kill me by driving the car off the bridge in the middle of winter into the freezing water below. I honestly believe she had every intention of me dying that day and had not planned on the farmer being there to save us. Anyway, because of these things I have this irrational fear of waterslides that are enclosed. I have, up until now, refused to go into them because of my fear. I know I would survive, but I am so unbelievably afraid I have never managed to do it even though so many people say what fun it is. I also have this thing about going down waterslides backwards, out of my control, not being able to see where I am going...unfortunately this has worn off on Orion and he freaks out over waterslides where he may end up going backwards. Mainly he will just say no, he would rather just play in the pool or whatever, he would rather wait at the bottom, anything to avoid going down the slide because he's afraid of ending up backwards. I have decided that he is so afraid of being afraid that he is missing out on so much...and I can't help but think it's partly my fault.

So today I told him my plan for vacation. See the place we are going to has is an enclosed slide and I told Orion I am going to face my fear and this vacation I am going down that slide! I told him it would greatly help me to face my fears if he would face his as well and go down the other one that is not enclosed but does have a possibility of ending up backwards. I told him honestly how I felt, that I felt I was doing him a disservice by being so fearful and that Daddy is right when he says that we are being irrational in our fears. I told him that I felt he was going to miss out on too much if I allowed the fear to hold us back...he sounded shocked that I was actually admitting my fears to him and that I was going to face them. Of course being the wonderful child that I have raised he agreed to help me by facing his fears with me and going down that slide! I can't tell you how happy it made me to realize that I have such an impact on this child and that together he and I are going to win the battle against our fears, we are going to let loose and we are going to have fun! I totally can not wait for this vacation to start!


My evil egg donor used to say something to me often:

"You never should have been born!"

How can a mother say such a thing to her own child?? I can not fathom it!

I sometimes will joke with Orion...I'll ask him "What am I going to do with you?" to which he will to reply "trade me in and get a new one" and I will laugh and say "now there's an idea except they won't let me"

The difference between me and my egg donor....I could tell she meant it, Orion can tell I am joking and it always makes us laugh! It's our way of making light of his situation...his's our way of finding a way to muddle through and get through some really frustrating moments. He knows I'm not serious, he knows I would never trade him in even if it were perfectly legal and acceptable to do so. Now my egg donor...I knew she meant it, I knew she never wanted to have me. How do I know this...because she told me and reminded me of it as she held a pillow over my face trying to kill me! She never wanted me and she wanted me out of her life, she wanted me dead!

I often find myself asking why the heck she fought so much when the state came in and took us away, she was finally rid of me afterall. Someone had come in and taken me away, someone had put a stop to her suffering. Why did she fight and lie and say she never hurt us? Why did she say she never laid a hand on us, never harmed a hair on our heads. Why did she ask the judge to give her back the child she never even wanted in the first place?? These are questions that will probably never be answered and honestly, I probably don't want to know the answers to anyway.


Have a great weekend everyone :) Remember, be honest with your kids because it's when we show our weaknesses and are honest with them that we gain their respect and admiration.

From Blogger Pictures

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