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When I was a kid growing up, life was pretty rough. I lived in an abusive environment for the first 11 1/2 years of my life which resulted in me having numerous "irrational" fears. One of my biggest fears is closed in places. I simply MUST have a window in any room I am in or I will become edgy and twitchy very quickly. My heart pounds, my breathing becomes rapid and my palms begin to sweat. This is all caused by my evil mother thinking it was ok to punish my wrong doings by locking me in a little closet under the stairs...literally. It was in our living room, a small door that went to the storage closet under the stairs, there was one small light in there but mother often took the bulb, closed the door and left me in there in the dark. The timing was always different and I never knew how long I would be in there for, it was dark and scary. I had a little stuffed dog that I kept in there, I would hold his little ear up and whisper into it all my fears, feelings, angry thoughts and desire to be kidnapped by anyone so as to not have to live with this rotten woman any longer. He kept me sane and to this day I hold him dear to my heart...I'm ever so thankful that I thought to take him to school with me that fateful day when the nice lady from social services picked me up at school and took me away from the nightmare that was my life....being locked in the closet was the mildest of my punishments but I won't go into details about the rest in this post, but calling my childhood a nightmare is a fair judgement.
It's been 27 years since that day when social services came to my school and took me away and to this day I can't even go through the tunnels in Boston without feeling panic. I have learned to control the fear to an extent, but I think it will always be there in the back of my mind.
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This past Monday was field day at my sons school. The school finally processed my CORI report and I was able to volunteer as a helper for the day. It was nice to be out on the field watching all the kids play and remembering what it was like when I was little, but even better was being able to watch my son in action and realize he's a pretty cool kid! He's at the age where it's NOT COOL to talk to your mom in front of the other children and most definately NOT COOL to hug her in public...but Monday I not only was spoken to, smiled at and thanked for being there in front of his entire grade (about 125 kids) BUT I WAS HUGGED!!!! Not to mention how great he was at following the instructions and rules of the games we played, how fast he ran around the race course and how very polite he was to all the parents and teachers alike. Since he has ADHD and is basically only medicated at school, I don't get to see this side of him very often.....it was very refreshing to watch and I can now understand just how good this wonder drug Adderall really is! It was also nice to see that I really have done a good job so far (in my humble opinion of course) he let the girls go first, he ignored the obnoxious boys and didn't join in when they were misbehaving but rather stood quietly to get the instructions and then cheered on his fellow teammates. I actually heard please, thank you, excuse me and no thank you....perfect manners from a kid I thought had lost all manners when he turned 3! Again...not something I get to see or hear very much at home, so it was nice to know he really hasn't forgotten all those manners, he just doesn't use them when he doesn't have meds in his body.
I think the best part of my day however was one simple realization.....when I was a child all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom that was better than my own. I realized, as I watched my son, that I have achieved my lifes dream, I have far exceeded her!!
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This concludes another Flashy Friday Thanks for reading and I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!
3 comments:
Just stopping by from SITS. Thanks for sharing. It's a shame when we have to overcome the dysfunction of our past! However, it really motivated me to be the kind of mom I always wanted.
Yes, our kids are so funny at school with how they respond! But at least we know what they're thinking inside!
I like the Flashy Friday idea. As painful as some memories can be, sometimes the best thing to do is share - because in doing so, they are released and a small part of the scar is healed.
I agree with the bluecottonmemory in that I learned what kind of mom to be by knowing full well what kind of mom NOT to be.
On a happier note - congrats on getting the PDA from Orion! Public displays of affection are rare, but that just makes them all the more sweet!! ;)
I like this.
My son also has ADHD. He's on Vyvanse and when I forget to give it to him I really get to be reminded that yes, he DOES need medication because dear gracious...
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