The sad side of motherhood

I went to bed last night (or should I say early this morning) knowing that I was going to have a sad and broken hearted little boy come morning. See Orion has had this little teddy bear hamster for just over 2 1/2 years, his name was Bounce because his butt bounced in a funny way when he ran in his wheel. He lived in a glass cage with a metal screen top and liked to climb on top of his house and hang off the top. Last night he was doing just that when he fell and hit his head on the roof of his house under him.....poor thing didn't get up and I knew it was going to be bad. At first I thought it was dead, but then I saw his chest rise and fall so I knew he was still alive but he didn't seem to be able to move. Honestly I didn't think he would make it through the night.

This morning Orion got up early, I knew it was going to happen since I had gone to bed so late (murphy's law) so I knew I had to get up and deal with the situation. I was amazed to see the little guys chest rising and falling, but he was in the exact same position he was in last night. I explained to Orion what happened and Orion wanted to hold his critter so I helped him carefully pick him up and he sat on the couch holding his little friend, petting him and talking to him while I took the dog outside. By the time I got back Bounce had passed, taking his last breaths in Orions hand. I swear that little critter held out for his boy so that he could say goodbye to his friend.  We found a little box to put him in with some of his bedding and then locked him up in the garage until this afternoon so that we can bury him afterschool.

Some reflections

Orion has this girl that he likes to play with occassionally. She is a really sweet girl, adopted from Russia by her parents, and has a few issues like speech and hearing. She struggles in school but somehow maintains enough to stay within her grade level. She's 10 years old, socially a little immature, but for the most part she's a good kid.

She was over here the other day and her mother told her before coming that she wasn't allowed to play in Orions bedroom alone because they had to keep the playdate "clean" (yes she used the word clean) Well we don't really have the space for Orion to have his own playroom so the vast majority of his toys and electronic equipment is in his bedroom (keyboard, video games, computer and a tv with DVD player) I allowed them to play in there, they just had to keep the door open.

While she was here I took them over to the school playground and parking lot where they could ride Orions dirtbike without being in traffic. It was at this time that the girl says to me "When I grow up I'm going to marry young, say maybe 20 years old. I'm going to marry a man with a motorcycle and money" It struck me as odd that this girl has no big plans in her future except to marry money.

An hour or so after that her mother came to pick her up and I mentioned this to her mother and her mothers response was "as long as he has money" Then she tells me that the world needs physicians and beauticians and that her daughter can be the beautician who marries the physician because she's never going to be smart enough to do anything else.

Isn't that so sad??

I think so...and now I know why her daughters only dreams are to marry young and marry into money.

Personally I think it's a shame! I know that the girl struggles with school, I know she has issues and learning problems, but why not get her some medication for her ADHD,  get her some tutors and encourage her to be the best that she can be. Why not teach her to, at the very least, be self-sufficient so that she doesn't have to rely on a man to take care of her. Don't get me wrong, I totally rely on my hubby for our financial needs. I didn't finish college and I had a lot of trouble learning things but when I was in my 20's I was a general manager of 4 Dunkin Donuts, I could have taken care of myself if I truly needed to but I did have my hubby and together we did so many fun things. It was comforting to know that I could have taken care of myself if I needed to. Of course now here I am almost 40, haven't been in the work force for over 10 years and have only worked part time from home as an independent contractor and a lot of employers don't consider that serious work or verifiable work. I am struggling to get an education from home so that maybe in another 6 months or so I can go back into the work force and make more than the average Dunkin Donuts cashier. All I ever wanted to be was a mom, I wanted to grow up, get married and have babies. Reality is here and although I have everything I ever wanted I am finding that I really should have put myself out there more, I really should have had bigger dreams because if anythng were to happen to my hubby or my marriage I would be in deep doo-doo and I would have a very hard time supporting myself and my son. I didn't look at the bigger picture!

I can only hope that this little girl learns that she needs to have bigger dreams and she is going to need to be able to make a living because bad things happen all the time and there's nothing worse than looking at your life and knowing that you would not be ok if anything should happen to that one person you married. You simply need to want to be more...I hope that in time I will be more and then I can show my son that girls can be more, moms can be more and we can still be good moms.

Weekend observations

Well after 2 days of the new medication I am definitely feeling I have made the right decision and I'm feeling I really should have followed my gut months ago and switched earlier. Although Orion is still a little hyperactive on this dosage, I know that we can go up from the 18mg and I am betting that's exactly what we will be doing. I have written a note to his homeroom teacher requesting that she and the other teachers please report to me his distraction level at school so that I can know if he is just letting loose at home and in reality is able to control himself on this dosage. He seemed to have some level of distractability this past weekend even though he was medicated, but the changes to his attitude and emotional health were what has me sold that this is the right decision for him.

Previously, if he was distracted from a task and you reminded him what he was supposed to be doing, you would have found yourself getting screamed at and then he would melt down, call himself stupid and he would fall apart emotionally. He was constantly angry and verbally abusive to the extent that you wanted to send him to his room and close the door and not even be around him. It broke my heart, but he was just too much to deal with. It was like a teenager on steroids! He treated me and  his father like he hated us and treated the dog even worse. But now, on this new medication, when you point out that he is off task you get nothing but an "I'm sorry" and then right back to what he was supposed to be doing. There is no more fighting, no more yelling, and I am happy to spend tons of time around my child. I am eager to watch him play, laugh and smile. I can see and feel his happiness and it's a wonderful thing. On the adderall he told me he could not feel happy, after just 2 days on the Concerta he says "It's nice to feel happy again"  I feel like this is almost a miracle drug and the best part is hubby agreeing that I did indeed do the right thing and that perhaps he really should have listened to me months ago when I told him the adderall was messing with the boys emotions and that we needed to switch medications. I love it when I get an "I told you so" Just goes to prove (yet again) that mommy gut is always right and people (aka hubby)  just need to respect that! Mom truly does know what she's talking about when it comes to the child so shut up and listen...geez life would be so much easier if people (again aka hubby) would just let me do what I do best....be a great mother to my boy!

We're switching

Yesterday I mentioned Orion's recent meltdown and confession that he could not feel happy on the Adderall XR. I took him in to see the doctor yesterday afternoon and the doctor agreed with me that something was very wrong. I told him that my "mommy gut" was telling me that we needed a change and he says to me "a change or stop?" He was thinking that maybe we should consider stopping all meds for awhile and see what happens...I had to laugh! There is no way in hell that child could go to school without his meds, nope, no way no how! Those poor teachers lol I can barely handle his inability to pay attention and I can only imagine how challenging that would be when you have 20 other kids to motivate as well. I emphasized a change, not a stop.

We are going to switch him to Concerta 18mg to start and go from there. The doctor says that in general if Adderall doesn't work then Concerta does. They both are stimulants to treat ADHD but they work a little differently in how they effect the brain chemicals. Hopefully this is what Orion needs. I can't have my little boy being depressed all the time, I can't have him angry and verbally abusive all the time. I can't have him lose friends again because he is so hard to tolerate when he takes the meds but so impossible when he isn't on meds. I won't lie, I am scared and worried about the switch. Change is scary in general and when it comes to something like this it seems even scarier! I worry that he will suffer even worse side effects than he had on the adderall, I worry that he won't sleep or eat or that he will spiral into a deep depression. I have read that the risk of suicide while on Concerta is much higher, but perhaps those people were just on the wrong meds. Perhaps all stimulants will have these side effects with Orion and he will just have to learn to deal with it or deal with the ADHD. There are so many unknowns and I hate unknowns when it comes to my kid. 

We will start the concerta today and see what happens....wish us luck!

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Just a side note that my friend Angel called yesterday, her results came back normal, just a fibrous cyst and not anything to worry about! THANK GOODNESS!

I know this is a day late, but yesterday was a long day! First of all, Orion was a challenge getting off to school, hubby was home and my long time friend needed an ear for a situation that took all thought of everything else from my mind!
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My long-time friend Angel called me, she was a bit upset with good reason! She had gone in for her first mammogram and they called her asking her to come back in for a second scan and an ultrasound. She called me because I have been there, been there a few times actually, and I so know how she feels right now. Mine came back as pre-cancerous and the lump was removed....I was 20 years old! This coming February I will turn 40, this coming May will be 20 years since my lump was discovered...you're never too young to feel your boobies and know them well! Angel will go in for her followup this afternoon, I will be thinking about her all day today!


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My Sissy is having a rough time too. Her boyfriend decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. He said she could stay there in his house until she can save up enough money to get her own place, her heart is broken. I have spent the past couple of days texting with her trying to help her feel better and help her make decisions about her future. She just needs a sounding wall and who better than her Sissy and best friend.

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And finally Orion has been struggling as well. He broke down the other night and told me he feels like he hasn't been happy, really truly happy, in 3 years. I didn't realize he felt this way. He has had mood swings ans irritability, but I hadn't realized how bad it really was. I spent nearly an hour talking to him before work on Wednesday night. We came to the decision that I will call the doctor  and see what his opinion is as far as either cutting the dosage back or switching meds completely. We will go in and see the doctor this afternoon.

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I'm off for today, have a good weekend and enjoy your little ones :)

Bowling Season has begun

I love candlepin bowling, I love it even more when I get to do it with my boy. Up until this year,  I have only bowled with Orion during the summers and then in the fall/winter leagues he would bowl in a juniors league and I bowled in a ladies league. Of course Orion seemed to always get teamed up with some kid who would only show up half the time and it made it less fun for him. This past year, his teammate only showed up 50% of the time and Orion got fed up, he asked if I would be willing to bowl in an adult/youth league with him instead of on the ladies league. Of course I jumped at the chance...I LOVE bowling with my boy!

So tonight was our first night on the adult/youth bowling league for the fall/winter season! We both did pretty good and even more important, we had a great time together. So now, every Tuesday night I will be at the bowling alley with Orion knocking down some pins and cheering him on as he builds his skills in bowling!

A new look for fall

I figured since fall is pretty much here I might change things a little and give the blog a fall make-over. I even created a new signature tag for all my posts :) I miss the beautiful maples of Vermont so when I found this background image in the templates area I just had to go for it....it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

10 Years...Happy Birthday to us both!

My Sweet Bugaboo!

On the morning of September 20, 2000 I knew my life was about to change. I had barely slept a wink the night before knowing that in the morning I would be bringing a new life into this world. I knew, through ultrasound pictures, that this baby was to be a boy and that his name was to be Orion Xavier. I knew he was going to change me as a person, I just had no idea how much!

That morning hubby and I went out to breakfast....or should I say hubby went out to breakfast, I was just there begging and pleading with him to just take me to the hospital so we could get on with it lol I was excited, I was scared, I was going to be a new mom and it was something I had been waiting for all my life! I didn't want to wait for him to eat those pancakes and eggs or drink that orange juice, I just wanted to go have my baby. I certainly didn't have the appetite or desire to eat the food he tried to order for me...besides the point I didn't think I was supposed to eat just in case something went wrong.  To top it off, I had had a dream the night before...in the brief amount of sleep that I did get...and I knew (because of that dream) that the entire process was only going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! 

Finally around 7:30am hubby and I arrived at labor and delivery. We had pre-registered so all we had to do was sign a couple of papers and get settled into our room that was already assigned to us. I got into my pretty hospital gown and got strapped into that heartbeat monitor that Orion hated so much. Every time they strapped it on my belly he would move away or kick it...and he was truly out of room in there! Just before 8am my IV was put in and at 8am my pitocin drip was started. Contractions came immediately! 

My mother in law arrived shortly after the drip started and told me there was a pool at her house concerning the time of birth...I told her I didn't know the time but that it was going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! I told her about my dream...she laughed. She has 3 boys and knew that, in general, the first is usually the longest and the hardest and that we would probably be there much longer than that. I was confident...5 hours and 10 minutes!

A short while after starting the pitocin drip my doctor came in and looked at the monitor...she noticed I was having contractions and asked if I was feeling them. Personally I thought it was a dumb question...of course I could feel them...hell they HURT...but when I replied with an "Oh yeah I feel those!" the nurse laughed (or should I say giggled) and it made me think that maybe I was being a wimp, that maybe this was the easy part and it was only going to get worse. I decided then and there that I was a wimp and that I would not complain about pain or contractions, I would not ask for pain meds of any kind for quite awhile. I gritted my teeth, I held my stuffed dog Spot, I tried to listen to my Mother in law and husband talking, but it hurt and I couldn't concentrate on anything but the pain.  My mother in law rubbed my feet through each contraction (which by the way I highly recommend cause it really helps) and time stood still. The doctor came in and broke the amniotic sac...this intensified the contractions even more! Before I knew it hubby was asking the nurse if I could have pain meds because he couldn't stand to see me in that kind of pain any longer, the nurse said the doctor had to check me first. The doctor checked and I was at 9cm...too late for meds. She told me I could go ahead and push if I felt the need. It didn't seem to be very long before I was screaming for my doctor because the baby was coming, I could tell. The nurse ran to get my doctor but she was with an emergency delivery and so the nurse grabbed some other guy and dragged him into the room. He snipped, I pushed, and out came my beautiful baby boy!

As the doctor helped hubby cut the cord I ask my mother in law what time  it was...it was 1:10pm exactly 5 hours and 10 minutes! 

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As I sit here 10 years later, I am amazed at how far we have both come. I never thought I could love anyone so deeply, so intensely. I never knew the impact that one small person could have on my life. I am an entirely different person now, I grow and change every single day because I want to be the best that I can be for this one person! I love my hubby, I have loved him from the moment I laid eyes upon him but even that love pales in comparison to the love I have for this boy, my Sweet Bugaboo. I am amazed at the young man he has become and I can only imagine the man he will grow to be. 

10 years ago, September 20,2000 was the best day of my life! It was the day all my dreams came true and I became Orions Mom

From Blogger Pictures

Sickness abounds

I have been sick since Monday, Orion has been sick as well just not as sick as me....thankfully!  I hate nothing more than when my baby is sick. He has a birthday party tomorrow, we both need to be healthy by then. Today I need to bake a cake, take the boy out to buy some party favors for the party and try to nail down the final head count.

Speaking of the head count, is it too much to ask that people call and confirm that they are or are not coming? Is it too much to ask especially since I already called them and left messages on their machines to please call me and let me know since I'm trying to get a head count?? And to top it off, one of these people is Orions best friend.....or should I say supposed best friend. I say this because I just don't know how to read this one. See this girl comes to our house, Orion goes to her house, they play well together but last weekend when I asked her if she was coming to the party she said she didn't know. I asked her mother when she picked her up and mom said something about a wedding shower and she would call me.....she never called. Then Orion asked the girl at school and she said she wasn't coming because she doesn't like bowling (Orion is having a bowling party) I called the mothers cell phone to confirm and the girl answered and said they were at her sisters lacrosse game and they would have to call back...they never called. Here we are on Friday before the party and I don't know if she is coming or not. I feel like we're being blown off, I just don't know why. It's kind of unnerving. See, in the spring, when she turned 10 she didn't have a party but Orion insisted on buying her a birthday present anyway. He had saved money up to buy her a really nice present, he actually spent way more than I normally would of approved of and bought her the pokemon gold game for Nintendo DS. He had saved his allowance for months and had thought long and hard about this, but he was determined to buy her that game. He wrapped it up nice and took it to her house, wished her a happy birthday. He remembered her even though she wasn't having a party. He would do anything for this girl yet it seems she does not give back quit as much. Do I expect her to drop $35 on a birthday gift?? no, I don't, I don't even care about her bringing a gift honestly. I just care about the fact that she would say that she isn't coming to his party because she doesn't like bowling. Personally, if it were me, I would go regardless of whether or not I liked bowling simply because my friend was having a birthday party. I don't know if Orion heard her correctly or not, I don't know if she really said it the way he said she did, and I really don't know if I should approach the mother about this because I don 't know exactly what went down. I know Orion often takes things the wrong way, he's extra sensitive that way, I don't want to sound like the over-bearing mother who just takes her kids side no matter what, but I also know if it did go down the way it did then that was pretty rude and inconsiderate on her part. I just don't know what to do about this one.

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OK enough of that, I'll figure it out eventually I am sure and if not, oh well, my kid is going to have a fun time at his party. He has 9 confirmed guests and I get this feeling that I am forgetting someone lol I do that often, that's where my kid gets the ADD in his ADHD lol He gets the H from his dad. His grandmother will be there and after the party she will take him to her house for an overnight. He's going to have cake and soda and bowling....3 of his favorite things! Today I will bake his cake, I will decorate it and make it special for him. I will take him out shopping for party favors and we will both be healthy for this party. Last year I had no voice for his party, this year I will have a voice, I will be better. I sound pathetic don't I. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something...which of course I am. I just want everything to be perfect for my special mans special day!

From Blogger Pictures

I know, I know, I was bad last week and I didn't make my weekly therapy session. I'm a bad girl....and to top it off I almost missed this weeks, but technically it's still Thursday while I'm typing so as long as I can type this up in less than 24 minutes I'm all set lol

This past week I've been reflecting a lot about my 5th grade year. As I work with my son to learn his multiplication tables so that he can make it through his "mad minutes" I am finding myself remembering all those little tricks that Mr. Hutchinson taught me to help me back then.

Mr. Hutchinson was my 5th grade teacher, he had brown hair and a brown beard to match. He had a smile that made the girls swoon and we all longed for that special one on one time with him. He was one of those teachers you never forgot because he actually seemed to care about  whether or not you succeeded. So when I was struggling with some of my multiplication tables he taught me little rhymes like "8 times 8, throw it on the floor. Pick it up you got 64" To this day, when I come upon this basic math question, I find myself saying that in my head. I taught it to Orion, he thought it was silly BUT then today he ran up to me after school and says to me "What we did last night really worked mom, I got 7 more questions today than yesterday" See "Mad Minutes" is this test the kids get daily, it's 40 multiplication questions and they have 1 minute to answer as many as possible. The goal is to get at least 30 of them in the time limit. Orion has always struggled with these, not because he doesn't know the answers, but simply because he suffers from MAJOR test anxiety and time obsession. He gets so wrapped up in the fact that he only has 1 minute that he can't get the questions answered because he watches the clock, then he gets all worried that he hasn't answered enough questions that he freezes. So here at home we practice. I use an actual mad minute test and I ask him the questions and tell him to answer as fast as possible. When he struggles I try to find a shortcut to help him out. After awhile of drilling orally I give him the paper and time him. When he struggles we go over the questions again and then time again. We probably spend close to an hour doing math facts every night. But it has paid off because on Tuesday he got 8 questions, on Wednesday he got 17, then today he got 24! He's getting close to the 30 goal and I am very proud of him for it! If it weren't for Mr. Hutchinson being so understanding and helpful I would not have this wonderful way to help my boy succeed!

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Another thing about 5th grade...as I have mentioned before, it was the next to last day of my 5th grade year that I was placed into foster care and my life changed forever!

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Another reflection this week...my baby is going to be 10 years old soon! I can't believe it! For his birthday we are taking him to see our favorite band Rush in concert! The concert is next week Tuesday, a week before his real birthday, but hey we couldn't get Rush to change their tour schedule to make sure they were in Boston on the 20th lol  It's still just about the coolest birthday present ever and he'll get to skip school on Wednesday because I'm sure he'll be a bit tired considering he won't get home until well after midnight! I just can't believe it's been a full decade since my baby boy arrived and I fell into the purest and deepest love I have ever known! Not even the love for my husband can compare to the love I have for this wonderful boy that is mine!
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Well, looks like I'm gonna miss my midnight deadline, hope my therapist forgives me for being late to yet another appointment. I know I didn't talk about the egg donor or the sperm donor, but this is my therapy session and I get to talk about whatever I want to lol

Have a great week everyone and be sure to look back every once in awhile because when you do you may just find the answer your child needs! I know I did....thanks to a wonderful 5th grade teacher! I wish I could thank him, unfortunately I have no way to do that so I hope someone out there has thanked him so he knows how appreciated his hard work is!

Thanks Mr. H, you were awesome!

From Blogger Pictures

We had a moment.......

Every night I settle Orion into bed and read to him. I have done this every single night of his life except the nights when he slept over at his grandparents and I wasn't able to. I generally read for 45 minutes to an hour. This is our time, the time before I go to work and he goes off to dreamland, our quiet time when it's just him and me. When he was real little I would finish reading to him and then lay down with him until he fell asleep, as he got older and I started working nights that changed to me reading to him and then him either reading to himself or playing his Nintendo DS for a little bit before he fell asleep.

Last night was different

Last night I tucked him in and began to read. 1/2 hour into reading time I had finished Charlie Bone book 2 and Orion begged for me to start book 3. We pulled it off the shelf and I read the first chapter. By then it was 10 minutes to my work time so I closed the book and offered him his DS to play for a bit. I leaned over and hugged him tight and told him I love him and he hugged me back and handed back the DS. He looks up at me and says "Actually mom, can we just cuddle for 10 minutes?" I couldn't possibly say no so I wrapped my arms around my boy, he wrapped an arm around me and cuddled up close. I turned off the desk lamp and lay there with him like we used to, just him and me. His breathing settled, he relaxed, and within minutes my boy was sound asleep...but I lay there with him, holding my baby boy for the entire 10 minutes just like he wanted because that's what he needed, it's what I needed, and it felt wonderful! It was one of those moments that you hold onto and want to relive over and over again because it's so special and you know you were lucky to have it.

From Blogger Pictures

1000 word post

From Blogger Pictures

And he's off

Here he is, 1st day of preschool 7 years ago.....my how times flies!

My little man starts 5th grade today!

I don't know how it happened, or where time went, but somehow my sweet baby boy is growing up and headed off to 5th grade where he'll have 3 different teachers (not counting phys. ed and music), he'll have to switch classrooms, and have to be responsible enough to make sure he gets all his homework assignments written down and collected. He's so nervous about this switching classes and nervous about this tick he's developed over the summer...worried that he might get picked on or not be liked by his teacher because he'll be disturbing the class with his noises. I'm hoping that he does ok, that he can somehow find a positive thing about returning to school. I'm hoping that he'll have a good attitude and be willing to work, willing to learn and willing to change for the better. I'm hoping that 5th grade is memorable for him and not in a bad way, I'm hoping he'll be strong and stand tall. I'm hoping that in another 6 hours, when I go pick him up, I'll find a happy boy, or at least a boy who doesn't think going to school is the worst kind of punishment on the planet.

From Blogger Pictures

My baby is growing up

My baby isn't a baby anymore...he's a big boy!

I took him out back-to-school shopping and before we left I had him try on a pair of his size 12 pants in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't grown so much that I couldn't get away with them...NO SUCH LUCK!

The pants were about an inch too short so it was off to the store to buy new pants, shirts and school supplies. My baby is now in a size 14 pants...only problem is he does not have a size 14 butt! His legs fit the length great but he is so skinny that he just does not wear them well. He has to have the adjustable waist with the elastics pulled all the way out and STILL needs a belt! The pants want to fall right off him...and yes I bought the skinny jeans! Let me tell ya, it's not easy to find 14 slims with an adjustable waistband, I simply dread when I am going to have to move him up to 16's. He can't wear any kind of sweatpants that I can find because of the need for such a tiny waist with those long legs of his. Literally his butt is so tiny that he can still fit into his size 5 shorts! As for shirts..he is now in an XL because he has these really long arms that match his legs. His body isn't quite as long so his long sleeve shirts and hoodies hang low but he needs the longer arms...he often resembles Harry Potter in Dudley's clothes lol  I just can't believe how big he is, how tall he's getting...boy he's come a long ways since this photo when he was only 2 days old:

That day he was  21 1/4 inches tall, now he's 57 inches. He weighed  a whole 8 pounds (having lost a little since birth as is normal) now he weighs 68 pounds! My baby isn't a baby anymore!

From Blogger Pictures

The time has come for change

OK laugh if you want but my son will be 10 years old in a little less than a month and he still sleeps in my bed.

I know, I know, he should have been in his own bed say 10 years ago but it's not so simple when you are me.

First of all, Orion was a every 2 hour around the clock nurser. This means that literally every 2 hours he woke up to nurse, he refused a bottle and would take nothing but the real thing. So being the kind of mom who wanted to do better than her egg donor and needed her sleep, I laid my son in bed with me, left the window open to his kitchen and slept wonderfully while he fended for himself. He didn't need help latching on, he didn't need help finding it, he was very capable of doing it himself and so I allowed it. I would briefly wake up when he would latch on, but I would fall back to sleep while he nursed and then he would fall back to sleep after me. He nursed for 19 wonderful months, and finally stopped on his own but by then he was rather used to sleeping in moms bed safely snuggled in between mom and dad. He would start out in his crib, but by his first birthday he was very capable of monkey climbing out and making his way across the hall to my room all on his own. He would just crawl in between us and go right back to sleep and so it became the routine. I needed my sleep, daddy needed his sleep so instead of fight with him we allowed it to happen. As the years went on, the pattern continued and then I started working nights and it only got worse. Orion wouldn't be asleep when daddy went to bed and since I would be working all night long daddy kind of liked having someone cuddle up with him and so Orion started going to bed with dad. I stopped working until 6am because it was making me sick not getting enough sleep and  Orion going to bed in our bed was such a routine it was allowed to continue. It was easier than fighting after a long day. By the end of the day, after having yelled at him all day for poor behavior it was just easier to finally be nice and let him settle down in our room.

And so it continued. Last year we bought him a brand new mattress of his choosing, we bought him brand new bedding of his choosing and we tried to get him to sleep in his own bed. He got sick with that H1N1 flu and all was lost as he ended up sleeping curled up with mom while she fought his outrageous fever and worried day and night because it was the flu that killed. Then I got it and didn't have the energy to fight with him and so he continued to sleep in my bed. All was lost....and so it continued.

Last night Orion was having some bad growing pains. He was thrashing his legs around and suddenly kneed me in the base of my skull. He kicked me in the kidneys and basically left me feeling his growing pains right along with him. Poor hubby got a good thrashing too and we have decided that it is time for the bed to go back to being a 2 person bed and for the boy to go across the hall to sleep on his own.

I know that this is a common problem with ADHD children, I have spoken with many other mothers who reluctantly admit they have this issue, 10 seems to be the age where the ties can be cut and the child can start truly sleeping in their own room all night long. I can only hope that I can figure out a way to make him comfortable and happy.

WISH ME LUCK!!

From Blogger Pictures

Some weeks are better than others, this week has been a long one to say the least. The more I struggle with Orion and his ADHD the more I find myself resenting the woman who gave birth to me. That woman was no help!

I find myself envious of those women who can call their mom when they need advice, those who can look back on their youth and remember how their mother handled a situation and reuse that idea as their own. I find myself wishing I had that and resenting that evil wench for not doing the right thing! Instead of teaching me, she beat me. Instead of guiding me, she locked me in a closet! Instead of helping me be a better person, she helped me be a bitter person.


I realize Orion can not control his ADHD, I realize it is not his fault that he loses his control and can't stay on task to save his life! I know in my heart that he doesn't mean to behave as badly as he does, but still it is not easy to handle. I find myself frustrated and wishing I could run away when he says or does mean things and then tells me I'm mean because I have to punish him. I find myself cringing when I think in my mind...he asks for it...because that's what my egg donor used to say about me when she would beat me. I know it's totally different, but it makes me very sad to think anything that she said when it comes to my child.

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Today I had something thrown in my face....something hurtful although I know it wasn't meant that way. I was talking to someone about Orion and my struggles with his ADHD and the comment was "If he had a sibling or two then it would be a lot easier on everyone. He would learn from them how to behave." Well unfortunately, because of the scar tissue caused by the sexual abuse, I can not have anymore children. I can not afford adoption and I don't feel I would be a good candidate for foster care because I am still dealing with my own emotional scars. So I can not provide siblings to my child. My husband could, he could get a divorce and marry someone who isn't broken, but he chooses to stay with me because he loves me. So our child has no siblings. For the most part I have come to terms with that fact, I have had nearly 10 years to come to terms with it, but sadly when someone tries to blame my childs struggles on the fact that he doesn't have siblings and how they would be good for him, I want to scream. Inside my heart aches and I feel a bitterness toward the sperm donor that makes the bitterness towards the egg donor look nice. I want to kill him with my bare hands, I want to rip him limb from limb. I want to scream at the top of my lungs....I was the youngest of 7 children, I had planned on having at least 2 or 3 children of my own. I know the value of siblings and how well they teach you about life. I wanted that for my own children, but alas it was stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's times like these that makes me feel like the healing has only just begun because I feel so unbelievably angry and betrayed. I literally feel hatred...and trust me I know that's a harsh word but it's true...I HATE that man for the things he did to me. Older brother hurt me too, but he started in well after the sperm donor so I do not blame him, I am positive the damage had already been done by the evil one who decided to rape my tiny 2 year old body. Today I am angry and bitter because he stole something not only from me but also from my child...that's just not cool!



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Some weeks are better than others, don't waste too much time being angry and bitter at those who have wronged you but also don't be afraid to feel it and then let it go. Hug your kids, give them what you can and be thankful they are in your lives. Finally remember that just because someone only has one child it's not always because they choose to only have one, sometimes they just don't have the option to choose. If you point that out to them you may hurt them without realizing it so please be careful what you say unless you know them really well!

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I've been talking recently about my son and his ADHD and how difficult it is to deal with. When we are having some of the toughest moments I can't help but ask myself...what would my egg donor have done if I behaved this way?  The scary part is that I can actually see in my mind, really truly picture it as if it happened, what she would have done and how she would have treated me....and it wouldn't have been pretty! Certainly wouldn't have been as nice as I am to my child, not as understanding, she would not have spoken in a soft voice, she would not have done everything in her power to remain calm. She would not have picked me up and put me into my bedroom because she feared becoming her own egg donor if she didn't remove me from her view for a few moments. Sadly, I do fear it, I do feel that evil snake inside me rearing its ugly head. I feel like Harry Potter, in the Order of The Phoenix book, when he first starts going inside Voldemorts head. I feel like I could strike, I could hurt, I want to make this out of control child stop screaming at me calling me names, telling me how much he hates me and detests me. I feel worse and worse by the minute as he tells me I am the meanest mother on the planet, in the universe and that he wishes he could go into foster care so he could have nice parents. It breaks my heart, but deep inside, just like Harry, I know that he doesn't mean it, that I could never hurt him but I fear that  so deeply that I need to walk away from him. Like Harry I fear the Voldemort inside me, the Voldemort that is my egg donor.

LMAO at the sudden realization that I make a lot of  Voldemort references when it comes to my egg donor!

I hate her for the fact that she makes me feel this way, I hate that when I get into those tense moments with my child that I fear becoming her. I fear losing my control. As he yells at me that I am the meanest mother on the planet I find myself yelling back "You don't know what mean is!" and I am grateful that it's true.

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I have found my at a crossroads lately and I don't know what to do. Recently my son has asked me to share with him some of the details of my life. In the past, whenever he asked about my egg donor or my sperm donor, I told him I didn't like to talk about them. I have always just told him that they were not nice people. When he has asked why I ended up in foster care I have always just said that it was because they were not nice people, I have never told him how not nice they were. Although he begs for me to tell him about them, he wants to know details and I don't know at what point it's ok to give them. When is it ok to explain to your child just just how not nice someone can be? Is it EVER ok?  Sometimes I think it would do him some good, show him how I am truly NOT the meanest mother on the planet, but I don't want to taint his image of me in doing so. How would he feel about me if he knew that I had been beaten daily, locked in closets, denied food or water because of a simple infraction of the rules? Would he see me as a strong person, someone to look up to, or would he pity me and see me as someone frail? I know what image I would like for him to see, I would prefer he see me as a strong person who survived a living nightmare. Someone powerful who can overcome hardship. I want him to want to be that strong, to overcome his ADHD like I eventually overcame the abuse. I want him to see his ADHD as the challenge he has to fight against and see me as someone he can try to be like in order to win the fight in the end.   BUT I  just don't know if I should ever put those images in his sweet little head! There is a part of me that says that he has a right to answers and perhaps if I told him some of the minor details he would be happy and he would maybe appreciate me more. Perhaps he would realize how very nice I truly am once he hears about someone who is truly mean.  I hate denying him the answers he craves because I feel like I'm lying to him by just saying they were mean...because they weren't just mean they were down right evil! Honestly I know I will never tell him about the sexual abuse, no worries there. I draw the line on that subject, but the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, I sometimes wonder if maybe it would be ok to give him SOME details.

Here is our usual scenario, we just had one the other day.
        Orion had gone to the bathroom and was in there for quite awhile. After he finally came out I asked if everything was ok and he said fine. I was concerned only because he had been in there so long and because he was not medicated that day. What I found when I went in there was that he had taken my small pair of scissors out of the medicine cabinet and cut some small slits in the towels. I called him in and asked him to explain, I gave him the chance to tell me what had happened to my towels. He put on his shocked face and asks "How did that happen?" I reminded him that I had recently showered and the holes weren't there before and he had just been locked in the bathroom for 20 minutes and there was no one else in the house. He tried to lie and say he was trying to open the package for the bum wipes and accidentally fell, cutting the towels. Well I explained how that wasn't logical either. In the end he was sorry and I know it was because of the lack of medication, but then he asked the question..."What would your mother had done if you did this?" 

Now mind you, my punishment was to give him needle and thread and teach him how to repair the cuts in the towels. That was all, I sewed one hole while he copied my motions and sewed up the other 2 holes. Although he fussed that he was no good at it, that he couldn't do it, I made him sit on the couch with me and learn to do it. I made him sew the towels back together. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't hit him or hurt him in any way shape or form. I simply taught him how to repair the damage he had done with kindness and patience. This surprised him and so he wanted to know how I would have been treated if I had done something like that and all I could say was "It certainly wouldn't be just sewing this back, it would have been far worse." I could not tell him what would have happened, I just knew that it would not have been the punishment I had come up with. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do...maybe I should have given him a story, maybe I should have used that opportunity to show my child a small window of my youth...but I still don't know if he's old enough. In these situations I find myself feeling more like Dumbledore and Orion is Harry...I just feel he is not old enough, he is too young to worry his mind with such things. But because I have read the stories so many times I know that in the end Dumbledore realizes he was wrong in hiding the truth and that Harry would have been able to handle it afterall.  So I ask myself should I ever explain about Voldemort and if so when??

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Have a great weekend. Everyone has a ghost or two in their closets, some are just bigger than others. 

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Bowling on a sprained ankle...not my best plan

So Orion and I bowl in an adult/youth league together, this is our 4th summer of doing this and we really enjoy our Wednesday nights at the bowling alley. Last week, however, I rolled my ankle while helping Orion get his dirtbike out of the garage and sprained it, unfortunately it's my left ankle which is the weight bearing foot. I didn't want to miss out on bowling and neither did Orion so we opted to go even though I am limping around and in a fair amount of pain.

I've always said sprains hurt worse than breaks and honestly it's very true...and tonight after 3 strings of bowling on this ankle I am reminded of this fact!

Although I bowled fairly well considering, I did not get my average and my ankle is now throbbing in pain :( I think tomorrow I'll find myself sitting on the couch icing it and relaxing rather than doing my house cleaning.

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Orion had a med check today

We just got home and I have to say I feel so much better about things after having seen the doctor. We go in every 4 months for his check-up to be sure he is gaining weight and growing on an ok path. We can't have him lose weight and we can't see any stunting in growth or he has to change meds....the meds can make these things difficult. They also can damage the heart since it is a stimulant so we have to have his blood pressure and heart checked regularly.

Today he weighed in 3 pounds heavier than 4 months ago....so not only did he gain back the 1 pound he had lost previously but he gained the desired 2 pounds on top of it. The goal for December to to get him to 70 pounds....2 pounds in 4 months time. It will be harder since he will be going back to school soon which means he will go back onto the routine of taking his meds  on a regular basis and not have so many days off, but I think we can handle it. He also grew another 1/2 inch in height! Overall Mom is very happy with the progress we made in that department.

We also discussed with the doctor the mood swings and depression that he has coming off the medication and what I was told is that we first and foremost must look at the benefits vs. the side effects...which one wins?? The benefit is that Orion can control himself, he becomes a normal young man who is not out of control. He holds his tongue, he's respectful and kind, he's helpful and basically everything you hope your child would be on a daily basis. He does well when he's in school, gets good grades and has friends who will play with him, people who will seek him out and ask him to join them in their games. He's a well rounded youth well on his way to becoming a solid, well rounded adult. The side effects are that he has these mood swings when the medicine starts to wear off, he has trouble deciding what to do, loses interest in his usual activities, becomes moody and irritable and down-right onry. He "snuffles" throughout the day, sometimes loudly, and that can be a bit irritating to those around him. But which is better? Are those benefits worth the side effects? The doctor feels they are and I have to agree. He feels that these side effects have been worse over the summer mainly because of the fact that we did not have him on anything resembling a schedule at all this summer and that constant change makes it so his body can't get used to the medicine. He feels if we just get him onto a routine and we stick to that routine then the side effects will lessen or possibly even go away completely!  We are going to try a good solid month of routine and if we don't see any changes and these side effects become too bothersome then we will talk about making a change in dosage or medicine. For now we just deal, the doctor said to finish out our summer however we want and when the school year starts get him back onto a routine and then stick with it.


Overall I am satisfied with what I had to hear. It is comforting to know that the snuffling isn't a sinus problem, not allergies or anything like that, it's simply a tic that is caused by the meds being whacked out and not on any sort of routine. The doctor feels once we get him on a routine, he will stop snuffling so much. We might also be able to teach him to control it to an extent where he can maybe not the noise so loudly. I'm going to research it some and see what I can do to help him in that department.

From Blogger Pictures

Here we are again, it's been an entire week since we said good-bye to our beloved Sparky and I must say Orion is dealing much better now. It was a long week and it seems that every advertisement for cat products has a cat on it that looks just like him, but we made it through and are now settled into life with only 4 cats once again. The other animals have been more loving and forlorn, I am sure they miss their friend as much as we do (if not even more) but the biggest thing we've noticed is no on will sit on his perch. The perch in the windowsill remains empty and unused. I guess it's their way of showing respect and thy will most likely start using it in due time.


My memories about my youth have been quiet as of late, it seems Sparky getting sick and dying put a damper on that, but I do still find myself thinking occasionally about it and wondering how I would be if I had been raised differently. Would I be a better parent, would I be the emotional and sensitive person I am today? Would I have perhaps been the kid in the hallway laughing at the less fortunate, taunting and teasing them for being different? Honestly I would like to think that no, I wouldn't. Perhaps I wouldn't be as sensitive as I am, perhaps not as overly emotional as I tend to be, but I would like to believe that I would still be the good person who befriends the less fortunate and gives them a smile when no one else would. I would like to believe that I would still be a kind hearted person who looked for the best in everyone and sought to make others happy. I can only hope that my kindness is not some weird result of years of neglect and abuse. I do believe I would find some parenting decisions easier if I had been shown the right way to parent, if I had a better example set for me, but I do feel I am doing a pretty good job given the circumstances. I try to make gut decisions and I have learned to ask for help and advice when I feel clueless. Sissy has been a wonderful help of late and having had 3 tough boys (and 2 girls) she has some pretty creative ideas on parenting and discipline. She has dealt with the ADHD boy and so it is to her that I turn to when I need a helping hand. At least the egg donor provided me with a sibling who is not only older but is also smart and wise and has a good head on her shoulders. It also doesn't hurt that we can get along and she's willing to talk to me despite the fact that I call the egg donor just that...the egg donor. Older sister #2 thinks that is wrong, that I should give that anger and resentment to god and be healed inside so that I can forgive and move on. I feel she doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I have moved on anyway. I refuse to forget so that I can always know what not to be and I refuse to forgive....again she doesn't deserve it. I have mentioned before my feelings on god...so you already know that I am not so sure that he is this all powerful being who knows everything that's going on and as planned everything out. Honestly if some all powerful god PLANNED for me to be raped and beaten, planned that childhood for me, then he's an asshole and I certainly don't want to spend eternity with him! What a friggin jerkish thing that is to do to a child....to plan that kind of life for them, wow he's a really nice guy NOT! Don't even get into the bit about him being merciful...hell I begged and pleaded with that unknown god to help me out, to get me out of there, to save us from that life yet day after day, night after night, we continued to live a nightmare all because that merciful god had planned it. Nope, sorry, just can't bring myself to believe in that or to hand my pain over to him.

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Today I also wanted to share a happy memory since I have so few. It's kinda vague, but it's there and I love this memory all the same. Every time we have a big thunderstorm I remember it and it makes me smile. When I was a little girl we always looked forward to a summer thunderstorm, as the rain poured heavily down we would run and grab a bottle of beer and race to the nearest rain gutter. We would get our heads good and wet and then pour the beer over our heads and scrub it in like shampoo, then rinse it out in the gutter. I can still hear our laughter as we fought to get the best part of the roof (just off the corner of the porch on the right hand side) where there would be the biggest amount of water falling. It was so much fun taking our beer showers, and our hair was always so silky and smooth afterward.  Those were the times when I almost felt normal, the times when, even though we were wasting good beer, we were not yelled at or beaten for it. For some reason the egg donor allowed this behavior and occasionally would even laugh with us...although she never joined in on the fun. She almost seemed like a mother at those times, those rare moments that I can remember without an ache in my heart.

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I mentioned the other day that I was thinking of changing up my blog, I've decided that at least for now I'm gonna leave it as is. I don't think I have the discipline to post on 2 separate blogs and I'm not really sure my life is truly interesting enough anyway lol As for Orion's meds, well that's still up in the air and it's mainly because I'm not entirely sure he's actually feeling that way. When I mentioned to him about changing up his meds he said that the adderral doesn't really make it so he can't have fun it's just that he doesn't like taking it. A couple days after that he said he just doesn't want to change meds because he's afraid of worse side effects and  the uncertainty of how a different med would work. I hate the idea of him being depressed and forlorn because of his meds but now I'm not sure that it is the meds. I guess I will have to have the doctor talk to him and see if the doctor can get an honest answer out of him and maybe give him some reassurance that a different medicine may not be as bad as he's anticipating. I know that kids often change meds, I know that quite often people go through 5 or 6 different ones until they find the one that works best for their child, but Orion doesn't get that and doesn't want worse side effects. Unfortunately that could happen and there is no way to know what will happen until we try. I just don't know what to do and feel lost in this matter. I wish I had a magic 8 ball so I could ask it what to do, I wish I knew all the answers, I wish I could just wave a wand and make everything better...but I can't so I will trudge onward in hopes of tripping over the right answers sooner or later.

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Ok peoples, that's it for this week. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend and finds a way to make some happy memories for their children. No matter what kind of parent you are, whether ytou are the tough parent, the soft parent or even the inbetween parent, make sure your children hear you laugh so that when they grow up they will have something special to remember forever!

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