When you're an abused child you think differently than most kids your age. You try not to think about 10 or 15 years down the road mainly because you're too worried about what tonight will bring. You have to think in the moment, how will this decision now effect my life 5 minutes from now when the evil one finds out about it? How can I do this without getting caught? How can I cover this up so she won't know? You dread the moment she outsmarts you because she does that a lot....afterall you are just a kid and she's got a good 30 years of evilness on you. So you do what you can, what you feel you need to do, and you hope the evil one never knows.

One of the biggest things I did that I hoped she would never figure out concerned her alcohol. She had a bottle of vodka that she loved and no one was allowed to even touch it! You even looked at it and you got yelled at. Not even the sperm donor was allowed to touch her precious clear liquid. Since I knew how much she liked it, but also how mean she was after she drank it, I messed with her without her knowing. After she had gone to bed, or after school when she wasn't home, I would take her bottle from its hiding spot, mark it with my finger and then dump some down the drain. Then I would go to the toilet with the bottle and a cup and I would refill it to the exact spot with toilet water.  I would return it to her hiding spot making sure I set it back exactly as it had been when I removed it. I did that at least once a week, it was great fun watching her drink her toilet-watered-down-vodka! I would find myself having to leave the room lest she catch me giggling and it got me smacked around.  Then there was those bottles of budweiser she hid behind the couch. There was always a 6 pack there and they were always twist caps so you didn't have to use a bottle opener...those I would actually pee in the toilet first then fill them! I know, pretty gross, BUT SHE DESERVED IT!  It was my sweet revenge until I realized that Sissy was sneaking the vodka to deal with the sexual abuse she was suffering and Big Sis #2 was sneaking the Budweisers. After that, I stopped because I didn't want them to get sick and I knew that they were watering down her drinks to cover up what they were drinking. Sometimes it made me mad knowing they had taken away my own bit of revenge, but they were older and so they won. Of course I can't help but wonder just how much toilet water and pee water those two actually drank and how they didn't manage to get sick lol I recently told Sissy about that and she just laughed and said "no wonder that vodka tasted funny" At least she had a sense of humor about it, she could understand. What she couldn't understand was why I poured it down the drain instead of drinking it to deal.

Of course I had my own way of dealing...I was a smoker. The sperm donor smoked camels with no filters and he spent so much time being drunk I managed to steal plenty of cigarettes off him. It all started when I was about 4 years old when the egg donor called us all into the kitchen. She lined us up and handed us each a cigarette. She lit them up and made us each smoke an entire cigarette by ourselves. It was supposed to teach us what a horrible habit it was, it was supposed to make us sick and make us never want to smoke again. Sissy puked something awful, poor thing! Me, I rather enjoyed it. It relaxed me, calmed me, made it easier to deal with the stress of life. I smoked my cigarette and wanted more! I found myself sitting next to the sperm donors chair waiting for him to sit his cigarette down so I could sneak it as he sat in a drunken stupor watching tv. He would always light up and then leave it sitting in the ashtray just burning, picking it up every now and again to take another puff. I was very good at sneaking puffs for myself here and there and as my addiction grew I started to steal cigarettes out of the pack. By the time I was 6 years old I was walking the road looking for soda cans and bottles to take to the store to redeem. Back then kids could buy cigarettes for their parents at the local country store, so I would redeem my cans and buy myself a pack a day. I would steal money from the egg donor and the sperm donor so that I could afford my habit. I was a pack a day 6 year old smoker....pretty sad eh? But it got me through, it helped me deal with the abuse. I would smoke right before bed every night knowing that in a few hours I would be woken by the sperm donor, given my bag of circus peanuts and then taken to the shed. The circus peanuts were to keep me quiet. I was told that it was my special treat...I recently found out in conversation that Sissy was told the same exact thing...it was her special treat. Funny how we kept those secrets to ourselves for so long and we never knew that the other was being abused.

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Have a great weekend, and watch the way you treat your kids because they might just spike your wine with toilet water...and who wants to drink that??

Just one thing today...a poem I wrote. It sums up pretty much everything I have in my head today. I wish I could put this to music and have someone amazing sing it to raise awareness about child abuse.

CAN YOU HEAR ME CRYING

written by me:

Can you hear me crying

Can you hear me scream

can you hear the pain in my heart?

Can YOU....

hear ME?

I sat alone in the corner

after you took the mickey out of me

you stood there looking down

my heart broken in misery

you made me what I am

you made this wounded child

you tore my life to pieces

your took away my wild

I ask you

Can you hear me crying

can you hear me scream

can you hear the pain in my heart

can YOU....

hear ME?

I sit here dank and dirty

with tear stains on my face

but no one sees the hurt inside

they all just turn away

They only see what they want to

they only hear me sing

they can not see the pain in my eyes

they can not see a thing

But can they hear me crying

can they hear me scream

can they hear the pain in my heart

can THEY....

hear ME

The years they fade to nothing

the days they go away

with each there comes a new sorrow

with each there is new pain

she'll hit me and hurt me all over

she'll tell me not to cry

if I do I'll just get some more

so I really must try

because no one hears me crying

no one hears me scream

no one hears the pain in my heart

no one....

hears me

He'll rape me in the nighttime

steal my innocence

he'll take away my childhood

leaving tears on my bed

he'll hurt me over and over

he'll have his way with me

and when I tell her reality

she'll say it's just fantasy

because

they refuse to hear me crying

they refuse to hear me scream

they refuse to hear the pain in my heart

they refuse

to hear me

The world doesn't like to see the evil

that lingers behind closed doors

they don't want to admit

there's an evil crawling across the floor

the world is deaf and blind

to the sad reality

that evil lingers close to home

it lives....with me

why can't they hear me crying

why can't they hear me scream

why can't they hear the pain in my heart

why can't they....

hear me?

~~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone and please...open your ears and open your eyes, the evil lives everywhere! The problem is it's very good at hiding!

Look who I saw checking out my kid today

Isn't he just an amazing creature? This praying Mantis was watching Orion and his friend take turns on Orion's dirt bike earlier this afternoon. I spotted him looking around the tree at Orion as he waited for his turn. I snapped the photo then called the kids over to have a look. He was great to look at since he was cold which made him nice and slow...until the kids held him in their hands and he warmed up.

I am truly the luckiest mom in the world

I have someone who can make my day brighter, no matter how bad things seem, with just one simple smile! His smile lights up my life and makes everything seem better! Take a look and tell me you don't want to smile too!

There she sits, alone on the wooden swing. Her bowl cut dirty blonde hair is messy, the dirt on her face is smudged with tears. Her glasses sit perched upon her face crookedly, her shirt is torn and looks as though it hadn't been washed in many a days. She sits leaning over herself, hugging herself as though she has never been hugged by another. She is clearly suffering, in pain, but no one knows why. She will never tell this dirty little secret because if she did that might be the day she dies....and in her heart she knows she must survive!

That little girl wants someone to know her story now


That day it had been a fun one. Her best friend and she had come up with the perfect plan to get together and play after school. They would each write letters to the others mother saying that it was ok for the little girl to ride the bus to her friends house to play for the afternoon. They had signed their mothers names and thought their plan was fool proof. The little girl was a little nervous, mother never let her go anywhere, not even across the street to play with the girl over there. She was always told she had plenty of brothers and sisters to play with and didn't need to go to other kids houses.

That afternoon she gave the note to her mother. She told her mother that her friend wanted her to come over and that it was ok with her mother. The mother took the note in her hand and read it, then she picked up the phone book and found the phone number for her friend. The girl thought to herself "oh no" and she knew she was going to need to hide. She thought frantically, trying to think of a place she could go where her mother might not find her, she knew she was in deep trouble. Her stomach turned as her mother clearly got an answer on the other side of the line, she could feel her heart pounding as her mother found out about the note she had sent home to her friends mother. As she tried to step away mother grabbed her by the hair on her head and held her there...too late she wasn't fast enough!

As the phone was hung up the girl began to immediately beg for mercy. She said how sorry she was, that it had been her friends idea and she just went along with it. She cried out as she was thrown to the floor knowing that the pain had only just begun. The mother screamed at the child, mother was embarrassed, the girl had made her look like a fool and she was not in the least impressed. She was crying as the mother yelled "Stop crying! You cry, you get more!" but the girl could not stop crying and so the mother kicked her in the ribs, in the stomach, the girl curled into a ball hoping she could protect herself. She was kicked  in the back, in the legs, anywhere the mother could kick. Then when it stopped she was picked up by the hair on her head and thrown out the door where she was told to get out of her mothers sight. She staggered down the steps and over to the edge of the house where the wooden beam held the swing.

And so there she sits on the wooden swing, sad and crying and clearly in pain. She suffered 2 broken ribs, numerous bruises and another blow to her self esteem. She would never gt to go to that friends house, nor to any other friends house. She never again attempted to trick her mother like that , she had learned her lesson.


~~~~~~~~~~

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this past week. I have listened to Sissy tell me about her boyfriend who hit her so hard he knocked her over and sprained her hip. She left him, told me she wasn't going to go back unless he got help...she was back living with him within a week. She said all the classic things...he hadn't meant to do it, he loved her, she loved him, she couldn't live without him. She wants to help him get better. I don't know how she can live the life we lived yet live with a man who abuses her and hurts her. I don't understand how she can't be stronger than that.

~~~~~~~~~~

And a good thought for today...because  this is a special day to me :) Today is October 15th....15 years ago my husband came home from work, got down on bended knee as I washed some dishes in the sink and asked me to be his wife. I'm so glad I said "YES!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone. Remember you don't have to be a victim, you too can be a survivor. It's all in how you look at your life....will you remember the bad things because they make you who you are or will you look at them to know what not to do and how they make you what you are becoming? You can be what you want to be, who you want to be, you are not destined to be the victim unless you make it your destiny.

Wordless Wednesday....

Something I have discovered about my son.....

He is down-right evil when he's hungry lol


Ever see that commercial on TV where the monster runs home from school  and he pops a can of  chef boyardee (at least I think that's what it is) into the microwave and once he starts eating he turns into a boy...the motto of the commercial was Feed the Monster? Well if you have then you have seen my son LOL

He wakes up in the morning grumpy and grouchy....put food into him and he turns into a human child. He comes home from school grumpy and grouchy...put food into him and he turns into a normal human child! I have come to the conclusion that whenever he is grumpy and grouchy I should just feed him and he'll turn that attitude around in minutes! Of course this means my food budget has to go up because he is amazingly hungry after school!

Here's his day  today:

Get up and eat a ham, egg and cheese omelet made with 4 eggs, 3 slices of ham and 2 slices of cheese with a sliced apple and toast.

Send him off to school with a lunchbox filled with PB&J sandwich, a bottle of juice and some town house crackers.

After school, walk in the door, grab 3 slices of cheese from the fridge, run off to the living room to turn on Tom & Jerry. Suck down cheese like there's no tomorrow and complain that he's still hungry. Give him a large bowl of SunChips, he sucks those down in about 10 minutes time and again complain he's still hungry. Give him a fully loaded ham and cheese sandwich which disappears in about 10 minutes flat...the complaining begins again. Give him a large piece of cake..he's finally happy and feels full which is good because we need to take care of homework so that we can go bowling. Take him bowling...he's hungry so he gets a bag of cheetos from the vending machine. Once those are gone he needs more money cause he's still hungry! He gets a hot dog and sucks that down pretty fast too. Get him home and guess what?...YEP he's starving lol Give him a large bowl of smartfood popcorn and he enjoys that and then complains about having to brush his teeth for bedtime because...you guessed it...he's still hungry! Gave him another large piece of cake and sent him to bed. When he gets up he'll be starving once again and the food fight will start all over lol

He never ate like this on Adderall, it's awesome to see him eat so much food while medicated!

LOOK..thoughts from a mom

Earlier today I took Orion back to that playground I told you about in my last post. He thinks it's great that it's made entirely out of recycled milk jugs and soda bottles so he now prefers to play there over any other playground in the area.

Anyway, as I sat there watching all the children play I saw this little girl run past me. She couldn't be more than 9 or 10 years old yet written across her butt in huge white letters was the word

LOOK

I sat there disgusted and appalled, dumbfounded and amazed all at the same time! First of all, what company would even sell such an item made for children, second what mother, in her right mind, would buy that for her daughter to wear at any age say nothing about a 9 or 10 year old!  In this day and age, with the knowledge that there are pediphiles everywhere, why on earth would anyone want to bring attention to her daughters butt?  I just don't understand the mentality! Why do we want our children to grow up so fast? Why do we want them to be miniature adults and wear clothing that asks for the wrong kind of attention? How can these mothers not see that they are asking for trouble when they allow their daughters to dress in that manner?

LOOK

Can you imagine ever putting that on your daughters behind? I am a child abuse survivor, perhaps that makes me overly protective but seriously this just seems wrong on so many levels! I can only hope that I never see that childs face on the local news because she's been abducted, raped, murdered or some other awful thing!

LOOK

Look around you and think for just one moment. Look at how your children are dressed, look at how their friends are dressed, look at how grown up they look wearing their Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana outfits. Look at how society sexualizes children before they hit puberty, look at what our children are being taught about their bodies before they even need to know the information. I see it everyday at the playgrounds, at the school when I pick up my son, at the mall, it's everywhere. Little girls being dressed like little women, what message are they being sent? Mini-mini skirts and skinny jeans on little girls may seem cute and it may be tempting to ohh and aww over how grown up they look, but why do they need to look that way? Why can't little girls just be little girls?

LOOK and then tell me, why do children have to grow up so fast??

I know, I know, I'm a bad blogger

I have been terrible about updates so here I am to post a bit about everything that's going on in my little world :)


As I mentioned Orions hamster passed away and that brought back all those sad feelings about the cat Sparky and so we have been dealing with all that. Orion did go out and buy himself a new hamster but soon found out why mom said it wasn't really a good idea...you can not replace one pet with another no matter how cute it is. He likes the new hamster, but he did not fix the sadness of losing Bounce.


Last week I also had a Parent/Teacher meeting at the school. The teachers asked me if he was on medication at all these days because they do not see it working at all. 18 mg of Concerta clearly is not enough. He's distracted, fidgety, bouncy, and pretty much all over the place. Of course I had expected this response from them and was basically waiting to hear it from them before calling the doctor to get a different dosage. I have seen him at home on the 18 mg and I knew it was not going to be enough.  Of course hubby didn't want to up the dosage for 2 reasons...1) he's afraid that a higher dosage of a different stimulant will only cause the same moodiness we had before on the higher dosage of Adderall (Orion has been such a happy boy on the 18mg, it's nice to see) and 2) he doesn't want to spend the money on the co-pay for another bottle of medicine when he haven't gotten through this first bottle. Of course I can not, in my right mind, send him to school with only 18mg in his body for an entire month just because we don't want to spend the money...he'll fall behind and have way too much to catch up on. I can't allow it to happen! I spoke with the pediatricians office and we are basically doubling his dosage so I can give him 2 of the 18mg to use up the bottle. On 2 pills he's much more stable, in control of his actions and much easier to deal with. 


Then this past Thursday our older cat Rex came home after being attacked by a coyote! He has some good bite wounds and some bruising. Nothing is broken but I am worried about him none the less. He's almost 15 years old  and weighs 30 pounds...NO FOOLING! He loves to be outdoors hunting and chasing rodents...I worry because usually he's fighting me to get outdoors and the past few days he's done nothing but lay on his pillow in the basement. We're giving him antibiotics and hoping for the best. The skin on his belly is bright red and hot to the touch suggesting some kind of infection, we're hoping the antibiotics will work for him and kill off whatever is in there.  Of course this is not good for Orion's mental state and he's now very worried that he's going to lose yet another pet!  I spend my days consoling the boy, trying to get the cat to eat and drink and trying to keep his wounds clean with warm compresses. It hasn't been a very fun Columbus Day weekend for us.


I did take Orion to a new playground yesterday. It just opened up last month and according to the newspapers it's the largest eco-friendly playground in the country. It's an elaborate 10,000-square-foot playground made out recycled plastic milk jugs and soda bottles! Even the base for the ground is made out of the milk jugs and soda bottles and supposedly (although I don't want Orion testing it out) can absorb a fall from a height of 9 feet. Orion had a good amount of fun until he saw a bunch of yellow jackets flying around and then he wanted to go home...he's terrified of yellow jackets ever since he got stung a few years back. Anyway, I am hoping to get him back there often since it's nice and new and clean...and eco-friendly.

That's about it for news this week. I'm sorry there was no Thoughtful Thursday again but as I mentioned that's the day the cat came home all banged up so that wiped everything from my mind..I didn't even facebook LOL I promise next week I'll have something for ya :)

The sad side of motherhood

I went to bed last night (or should I say early this morning) knowing that I was going to have a sad and broken hearted little boy come morning. See Orion has had this little teddy bear hamster for just over 2 1/2 years, his name was Bounce because his butt bounced in a funny way when he ran in his wheel. He lived in a glass cage with a metal screen top and liked to climb on top of his house and hang off the top. Last night he was doing just that when he fell and hit his head on the roof of his house under him.....poor thing didn't get up and I knew it was going to be bad. At first I thought it was dead, but then I saw his chest rise and fall so I knew he was still alive but he didn't seem to be able to move. Honestly I didn't think he would make it through the night.

This morning Orion got up early, I knew it was going to happen since I had gone to bed so late (murphy's law) so I knew I had to get up and deal with the situation. I was amazed to see the little guys chest rising and falling, but he was in the exact same position he was in last night. I explained to Orion what happened and Orion wanted to hold his critter so I helped him carefully pick him up and he sat on the couch holding his little friend, petting him and talking to him while I took the dog outside. By the time I got back Bounce had passed, taking his last breaths in Orions hand. I swear that little critter held out for his boy so that he could say goodbye to his friend.  We found a little box to put him in with some of his bedding and then locked him up in the garage until this afternoon so that we can bury him afterschool.