Feeling a bit better....

My neck is on the mend, it doesn't hurt quite as much as it did. I can actually move it a little bit too!

Today was an awesome day for me, hubby got up early and went off on his guy snowboarding day which left me and Orion to sleep in. Orion woke up before me and asked me if I wanted to sleep a little longer before getting up to make him breakfast. It was only 8:30 so I asked if he could hold out till 9 and he agreed. He went off to play video games quietly while I slept in. 9am rolls around and he comes in asking if he can take me out to breakfast :)

Orion had been saving his money to buy himself a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) Yes, it's old school but he is fascinated with the old video gaming systems and the old Mario games! He found a website that sells them and he has been saving to buy it....but he opted to save a little longer so that he could take his mom out to breakfast! I felt pretty special watching him spend his money on me and I could tell he was pretty proud of himself, I felt like the worlds luckiest mom today!

From Blogger Pictures

Back from snowboarding...

We did take Orion up snowboarding, on Wednesday morning we were looking out the window to scenes of pouring rain here, but we knew (because of the modern technology called RADAR ) that we were heading up towards some major snowfall! 5am found us pulling out of the drive heading north!

Wednesday was an awesome day, but it was rough riding! First it was a wet snow, the kind you love to build snowmen with. Second, there was a lot of it!! There was so much snow that by 11 am there was piles everywhere and you couldn't tell that they had actually groomed the night before. It was heavy to ride in, sticky on the boards and Orion isn't that experienced of a rider so he had a hard time connecting his turns. At one point, I put too much weight on my front foot going down, I was going way too fast and went flying "ass over tea kettle" (that's how my Grammy used to phrase it) In other words, I did a major cartwheel on my snowboard, landed on my head, and knew I was gonna feel that tomorrow. It was one of those moments you wish someone with a camera had been around cause you know it was spectacular! We decided to stay the night and let them groom up that 12 to 18 inches and ride on Thursday as well.

Thursday we woke up in the hotel to pouring rain, but that modern technology called radar showed an open window over the mountain. I was a little stiff, but we opted to give it a go anyway. I kept telling hubby that 1) he had promised the boy so we had to give it a try and 2) the mountain is at a higher elevation so this rain was going to be snow. He was Mr. Pessimistic but in the end I got my "I TOLD YA SO!" It was snowing when we got up there. The lifts were frozen and they couldn't get them running for an extra hour...Orion just went out and built a snowman outside the lodge to kill some time! We finally got up on the chair and after the first couple runs I was feeling horrible! I was stiff as a board, couldn't turn my board without major pain in my neck and shoulders, so I opted to give it up for the day. I literally walked down the bottom 3rd of the trail because I was afraid of hurting myself trying to ride. Orion looked so sad and disappointed as he saw me unclick from my board and walk down, I tried to get him to go ride with Daddy, but he didn't want me to be alone in the lodge so he opted to stop and let Daddy go ride with his friend who had met us up there. He kept saying he was a bit tired, but I could tell he had more in him and he would have loved to keep riding, he's just too thoughtful of a kid to let me sit all alone in the lodge hurting. (Yes, I'm patting myself on the back when I get to the point that I can reach around there lol)

Overall, Orion had a bunch of fun. At the hotel he got to play football with a couple of boys in the pool while I sat in the hot tub. He got 2 days of riding in, he got to experience fresh snow for the first time and he got to show me what a great kid I'm raising. Me and hubby scored major brownie points for not only taking him out of school for a day of riding, but also for being unpredictable and opting to stay the night and make it a double header! We tought him the fun of being spontanious!

Yes I hurt like hell today, I have some major whiplash, can't move my neck at all without major pain. I know I'm not broken, just majorly sprained and strained with lots of pulled muscles! I can move, it just hurts to do so! I'll probably be hurting for a few days, but it was worth it in the end!

Oh and hubby got major brownie points when he realized we had NOTHING for spending the night so he found a local walmart and bought us all swimsuits, underwear, toothbrushes and toothpase and all the other needed things for spending the night at a hotel. And when I got into that $30 swimsuit he bought me and he and Orion both told me how great I looked in it...yeah I felt pretty good at that moment. As I stood looking into the full length mirror at my reflection I noticed something that had changed...I've almost completely lost my "mommy pooch" 2 years ago I was almost 200 pounds, I worked hard to lose that weight but the mommy pooch was always there. It was all loose skin and stuff and hubby kept telling me it would tighten back up but I didn't believe him...until Wednesday night as I looked into the mirror and realized he was right and damn...I did look good if I do say so myself! 123 pounds looks way better than 196!

From Blogger Pictures

Back to reality......

School vacation is finally over, Orion returns to school and I get to go back to bed once he's out the door! Of course this also means that I get to work later at night as well (thus the need to go back to bed once he's out the door)

YEAH and boo-hoo at the same time! Although it has been a challenge having him home everyday, say nothing about him being kinda sick and miserable, I also did not medicate him which makes for some big challenges! He's a wild man to say the least without meds, but he eats, and he eats, and he eats until I have no more food in the house! This is truly a good thing since the meds kill his appetite and he doesn't eat well when he's on it. If his weight doesn't go up, the meds go down. If the meds go down, his grades go down. If his grades go down, his self-esteem goes back down....and we so do not want to go there! He needs the higher dosage so we (correction I) have to deal with his wild man ways whenever possible just so he'll eat tons of food and gain some weight. He needs to continue to gain 4 to 5 pounds a year...I know it doesn't sound like a lot but it truly is when you are dealing with Adderral! On the plus side...no Mr. Moody Pants all week! I loved hearing his laughter, loved seeing him smile, loved watching him just be him! As the meds leave his body he gets exceptionally angry, so angry that a lot of parents will take their kids off the meds just to not have to deal with it any longer! It's truly bad, very hard to deal with, and generally ends up with him being closed up in his room all by himself for an hour or so every evening. I hate to do it, but the anger is even harder to deal with than the wild man that he is when he isn't medicated. The meds are good for school, not so good for home. I do not look forward to him going back to school for that very reason....I don't want to deal with the anger. But he needs school, whether he realizes it or not. He needs the socialization, the friendships that he's building. He needs to be around other kids and learn how to deal with doing things you might not truly WANT to do. He's going to have plenty of things in his grown-up life that he's going to have to do whether he wants to or not, so he needs to learn how to deal with that and do the tasks gracefully without too much fussing and complaining. Besides, mom needs the break occassionally and it is nice to just sit in a quiet house all by myself and just listen to my own breathing, the cats purring and the dog snoring at my feet. I guess back to school is bitter-sweet, a love-hate relationship, something I have to learn to deal with too.

From Blogger Pictures

It's the weekend and....

Here I sit at the computer still sniffling, still coughing and although I do "feel" better I can't get rid of this junk in my head. I went to the doctor only to be told that it's just a virus....gee thanks for nothing! She would give me nothing for this, just told me to get lots of rest (yeah right, apparently she doesn't have an ADHD child on school vacation) and the over the counter stuff should work just fine.

Orion is feeling better, still coughing a little here and there, but his sniffles have stopped and he is back to his old bouncy self.

Hubby is feeling great, off snowboarding with the guys this weekend...which I know sounds almost cruel since I love to snowboard too, but really it's nice to have one less person to care for at the moment!

We're actually expecting some good snowfall this week coming up so we're gonna be the cool parents who allows their kid to play hookie and go snowboarding in the middle of the school week....SHHH don't tell the school! On Wednesday morning we'll get him up bright and early (somewhere around 5am) and head up to the mountain for the day. It should be a really fun day and I am sure it's something Orion will remember for quite some time....I just hope he doesn't tell the kids at school about it cause we're sure to get frowned upon for such an aweful thing like actually encouraging skipping school occassionally just to have fun!

From Blogger Pictures

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Our house has had the plague I swear!

It started about 2 weeks ago with Orion and me getting a yucky head cold..icky cough, nasal congestion, dripping down the back of your throat making it hurt like the dickens kind of head cold. The kind that makes you want to chop off your head, sit it on a shelf for a week, so you can feel better kind of head cold. I started to get better, Orion got better and so we planned to go snowboarding for the "greeting card" holiday weekend. We arranged a dog sitter, packed our bags, drove 2 1/2 hours up to the hotel and had a quiet evening of swimming in the hotel pool and relaxing in the hot tub. Saturday morning Orion wakes up with fever, swollen glands and a head ache, Hubby wakes up sniffling and body aches. So we opt to not ride that day, hung out in the hotel room, bought some OTC meds and of course....give the kid motrin and he feels great! Took him down to the pool, let him play, hubby feels like death is warming over and opts to sleep in the hotel room. Sunday...hubby wakes up completely miserable and I wake up with the body aches and fever and sniffling once again....sigh! We came home instead of going snowboarding...what a waste of money! Could have stayed home and been just as miserable without spending money on the bedroom! Today is Wednesday...I'm still sniffling, still feverish and still suffering with a head cold that apparently is different from the one I had before...the one I was recovering from! Seriously I hope it ends soon cause I truly am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

~~~~~~~~~

And in case you were wondering, no word on my sister yet. The doctor wants to run all tests, go over the results all together and then give her some kind of answers. Her next face to face with the doctor is March 1 and we should know more at that point. It seems crazy to me that they can't at least give her a little something after each of the tests, but apparently that's not the way this doctor works. This is the 3rd or 4th doctor my sister has been to for these symptoms, all the others have told her it's all in her head and she needs to go get therapy. But when you wake up in the morning with a back spasm so bad you can't move, then have to spend hours icing it just so you can get up to pee it can't possibly be just in your head. This happens to her often, along with twitching in her hands, head jerks, numbness down an entire side of her body, blacking out without taking drugs or drinking. Personally I can't believe how many doctors have told her it's all in her head, it just doesn't seem possible that she could make all this stuff happen to her. This doctor won't giveher any answers though until she has seen all the test results, so maybe she has a different way of thinking. The only think she will tell my sister is that she believes it is most likely Parkinson's or the beginning stages of MS.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

When I was a child I looked at the world very differently, it was all about me, me, me. My brothers and sisters were mean, they picked on me, they gave me a hard time about a lot of silly little things. They took enjoyment in my suffering when they scared me half to death on purpose. My mother and father were evil people who took enjoyment in torturing me, claiming they were raising me right when no other child (other than my siblings) were treated so poorly. No other child was beaten with a leather belt or a metal yardstick, no other child was kicked or had their hair pulled or was stuffed into a closet to sit in time-out. I was a poor pitiful little girl and all I could think was

WHY ME??

Now that I have grown up I still ask "why me?" but now it's in a different light. I understand now that my brothers and sisters were only having fun and they really meant me no harm, I was just the smallest so I was the easy target. I also realize I was not the only child getting beaten, whipped and locked in closets. I even realize that my abuse was minor compared to so many others...other children actually get killed by their parents because they are so badly beaten or shaken that they can not live any longer, their little bodies just can't take any more and give up. Who is better off?? Those that died and went to live in a better place? The ones who didn't have to suffer at their parents hands any longer? or me who lived day after day until FINALLY someone came and took me away from the nightmare and I got to live in a "normal" world where kids aren't hit but are still punished. A world where you get grounded instead of smothered with a pillow, a world where parents may yell but they never raise a fist to your face.

I like to believe it was me that was the lucky one, because even though I suffered greatly and I have emotional scars that are still gaping wounds some days, I'm still here, still alive and able to be a good mom, able to be a good wife, able to simple be!

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I'm kinda fuddled today, I spend most my days lately worrying about my sister. Older sister #2 is my bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world! She's only 3 years older than me, I was there for the birth of her first 2 children, there to help her out when they were born and there the day we both got drunk off our arses and snuck out of our foster home practically killing ourselves because we were sneaking out the second story window lol We got separated for a bit when I spoke of our past openly at school, she moved on, I moved on and facebook brought us back together. Now we text eachother daily, we talk on the phone, we facebook daily and we are tight. But I fear it may be fading, I fear I am going to lose her permanantly and it scares me. Before now, when we got separated I always had that feeling Feivel had in "American Tale" Somewhere out there, she was thinking of me and loving me and looking at the same bright star I was....but if her test results come back the way the doctors fear she will have Parkinson's Disease and our world will change drastically! I know that it may not shorten her life expectancy per say, it's not the kind of disease like cancer that will kill you faster, my grandmother had it and she was 83 when she died...but still it will change us. She eventually won't be able to text as often as she does, her speech will most likely become slurred making it harder for her to speak on the phone comfortably for hours on end, she will change and because of the fact that she is so self conscious already she will close herself up and she will fade from sight. I know her....to everyone around here she can laugh some of the symptoms off... the forgetfulness, the blanking out and not remembering part of her days. The small tremors in her hands and legs, the twitch of her head, she just laughs at it if it happens in front of others...but behind her eyes you can see it, you can read it...or at least I can. I am the one person she will be honest with about her fears, the one person she will confide in and I don't know if I am ready to handle this. My hubby hates my family with a passion, he feels whenever I talk to anyone from that branch of the tree I get depressed and I remember my past too much and I dwell on it. Besides, thinking about them only makes him think about a time in my life when I was suffering and he couldn't do anything to make it stop...not that he could of even if he was there, but he just loves me that much. So I can't really talk to him about my feelings about my sister and the fears that well up inside of me while waiting for all the different test results....and I can't really talk to her because I don't want to drag her down or make her feel badly. I fear if she knew just how scared I was of the prognosis she might stop talking to me about it and since I am the only person she'll talk to....well you see the dilemma I am in. My thinking is by posting here I will have gotten some of this off my chest and I will be able take a deep breath and figure out how to deal with all this. I need to be my sisters keeper, my sisters strong pillar, wow what a change of position this is...I'm used to needing her, not the other way around!

From Blogger Pictures

What an amazing day I just shared with my boy

Today we went snowboarding, it was our first day of spending the entire day dedicated to teaching Orion to ride! It was such an amazing day I can barely scratch the surface describing the emotions and feelings wrapped up in this one day!

First of all, we rode up with hubby but hubby had a couple of his guy friends coming up to meet him there. That way I could dedicate myself to teaching Orion and not have anyone interfering or making other suggestions (something daddy is notorious for lol) We set the rules for the day....every other run would be a lesson run and the other runs he could do whatever he wanted and just have fun. My hope was in agreeing to the fun runs he would use them to practice and try to perfect the moves......and that's exactly what happened! The first run was a fun run...get into the mode and just enjoy being out there again. The second run was a lesson. We worked on getting him onto his toe edge since he was hesitant to get there. Then the third run he had fun....etc. etc. etc. By the end of the day (21 runs later) he was connecting turns all the way down the trail! He kept saying to me "this run is a fun run and I'm not carving! I swear I'm not doing it" then sure enough he would start out doing the falling leaf but in the end he was carving and really working on the process of going heel, toe, heel, toe all the way down!

I can barely express how awesome it was to watch him learn and see the motions click. I swear it was just as overwhelming as watching him take his first steps and the amazement as he figured out he could run! It's one of those days I'll put into my memory treasure chest, a day to remember years from now! I truly can not wait to take him up next week so I can experience it all over again!

From Blogger Pictures

My ray of Sunshine

Thanks to Sweet Mama Jones for my little ray of sunshine that she gave me just in time for my birthday :) If you wanna meet a blogger that's totally down to earth and awesome, you should go meet her!



I know the deal is I'm supposed to pass it on to 12 bloggers, but I'm still a bit in the fuzzy head from celebrating my birthday yesterday so I'm only going to pass this on to 6 bloggers...but they're awesome none the less!

Now time to pass it on:
* Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

* Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
* Link the nominees within your post.
* Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

1) Crafty Mummy 2 two

2) Parenting By dummies

3) Just a Little Something

4) Coming Clean

5) Dirty Laundry

6) Sarahs Sweethearts

From Blogger Pictures

My Thoughtful Thursday....

Today is the last day for me to be 38, tomorrow morning I will turn 39. 30 years ago I turned the same age my son is, I know it has been this way for the past 9 years, but for some reason this year it has hit me stronger than ever.

Perhaps it's the fact that this is a finality for both of us this year...for Orion next birthday he will no longer be a single digit age, he's growing up and becoming a double digit! That's a pretty big deal! For me, next birthday I will turn 40....my new stage in life. I'll officially be "middle-aged" and no longer "In my 30's" That's a big deal....at least to me it is.

And so I have spent the last week or so looking back on my life. 30 years ago I never thought I would make it another 30 days, say nothing about 30 years. I've changed from that helpless little girl who felt nothing but pain and suffering every single day. I had no hope of a future, no hope of survival, I constantly feared what would come and if I would survive to escape.

Perhaps it's the way Orion sees the world now, the way he's understanding more and looking forward to his life as an adult more than ever before. He's coming into his own, he's now figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up with a purpose, not just on the whim of what he likes this week. He's no longer looking to be an astronaut so that he can go into space and catch me a wishing star so that all my dreams can come true...that's why he wanted to be an astronaut when he was 2. Now he wants to be a science teacher because he loves science and wants to share it with other kids. He wants to teach it and watch others discover the magical world of science. I guess in a way I am jealous.

I'm jealous of my own son, is that bad? Is that wrong? I would have given anything to be able to dream big like that, to be able to actually see myself as someone amazing! I didn't have the chance to dream big and actually imagine myself as anything because I couldn't imagine living through the week. With a mother who threatened to kill me, a mother who daily reminded me that I should've been a little yellow pill, that I shouldn't of been born at all.....how can anyone dream with that hanging over their heads on a daily basis? I certianly couldn't, I just wanted to be a better mother than mine was to me...if I survived that long. Don't get me wrong, I would never want my son to ever even think about feeling that way and I'm not jealous to the extent of wishing he could suffer for even one second of a day, I'm just jealous because I never had that chance. It was taken away from me and I didn't even fully realize it was missing until I had a nine year old child of my own starting to really dream with a purpose. That's when I really realized it was missing, that's when it became real.

But then I look at my last 30 years and I realize that one thing is certian...one thing is real...I AM a better mother than her! At least I had that one dream, maybe that one dream was enough to get me through, enough to make sure I survived and strived, enough to make me the mother I am today. I've fed my childs dreams, helped him grow into the young man he is today. A young man I can be proud of.

And speaking of pride....yesterday Orions teacher sent home a note to let me know how Orion has been doing on his higher dosage of meds. I want to share two points she wrote:

"Recently, our afternoon paraprofessional was abscent. There was a substitute in that had spent some time in Orion's class last year. She went out of her way to comment on how much more self-sufficient he is and what a nice attitude he has this year."

and

"Thank you for helping Orion with his writing at home. I've been very impressed with the result! Did he tell you that with his permission I used his "Favorite Place" writing as an example of how to write great transistions?"

Orion has been struggling with his writing so I started really helping him here at home. They have to write these 5 paragraph essays on a given topic so I have been doing it with him at home. Basically I get the ideas from him, have him tell me what he would like to write and then I tell him how to better word it and he puts it on the paper the way he decides sounds best. He's very quickly getting to the point where he needs very little redirection as far as rewording it, I just have to teach him now where to add more detail and make the story really interesting. The more details the better, I always thought, apparently the teacher thinks so too.

The comment that tugged at my heart the most was the first one...Orion is happy at school. He has a good attitude and he's showing that he can be on his own. Someone saw the change and pointed it out, that makes me so happy it's really the best birthday present so far! To know my son is turning into a kid who is self-sufficient and has a good attitude shows me that I did it...I've already succeeded! I would not have been described as that 30 years ago, I would have been described as withdrawn, sullen, and overly shy.

Tomorrow I turn 39, the end of my 30's, the beginning of another chapter...I wonder if I'll feel as good about my life at the end of this one as I do right now. Like my new ribbon says:

"I am a survivor, NOT a victim!"

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Have a great weekend everyone....I'm taking it off so I can enjoy my birthday weekend with my family :)

As for the thought of the week....I have 3 simple words: HOPE, DREAM, BELIEVE

From Blogger Pictures