Thoughtful Thursday

This is gonna be a quickie today because I'm trying to type it out as Orion is bouncing on his trampoline outside with a friend that came home from school with him.

Basically todays thoughts came to me as I opened Orions bookbag today to find his school photos :)

The photo cd that came with the pictures had all 3 of those styles on it, the photos themselves are only in the color.

Anyway, as I looked at his photos I was taken back to my elementary school years when I would be victim of the worst taunting and teasing because I was basically the only kid in the class who did not get photos back. The kids around me would all be so happy, laughing, cutting out their pictures, signing the backs and exchanging with other kids in the class....I would sit there sadly unable to because my mother had refused to "waste the money" I had a really good friend who would always give me her photo and I cherished that because it meant I was her real friend, someone she cared enough to give her class photo to, yeah that was really nice and made the day a little easier to get through. She was always kind and generous, always willing to play with me and talk to me when the other kids would be laughing at me, picking on me for being wierd or calling me 4-eyes because I wore glasses. She never said a mean thing to me and always had a kind sympathetic look on her face, she and I still talk through facebook and she will always hold a special place in my heart!

Today was a big day

Our children have many firsts in their lives and once we get past the first smile, first word, first tooth, first steps, first day of school etc we stop thinking about the firsts for awhile.....then something happens and another first comes along to remind us that our babies are indeed growing up and they aren't babies anymore.

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Today was such a day!

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Today Orion had a friend over, he called his friend up and asked him to come and he said he would be here in a few minutes (he lives just around the corner) and indeed 5 minutes later he's at the front door asking to use the phone to call his mom and let her know he arrived safe and sound. He rode his scooter to our house without her supervision. And so after playing here at my house for a couple of hours they decided they wanted to go over to his house for awhile and of course they wanted to ride their scooters and they didn't want me to come. I watched my boy put on his helmet and scoot away down the street calling out to him to call as soon as he arrived and then waited anxiously by the phone for what felt like forever (but I'm sure was really less than 5 minutes) for him to call home.

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My baby had his first solo flight today, what a scary moment for mom!

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate....

There is no doubt in my mind when it comes to regular everyday kinds of childhood vaccines, yes definately vaccinate. There is no doubt in my mind when it comes to even the regular annual flu shot....there's only been 1 year that Orion didn't get it and that year he ended up missing out on his best friends birthday party because he was at home with a 104.5 fever and the flu!

The question about vaccinating comes around when it concerns the H1N1 vaccine. Some say it's harmless, a good idea, better than not getting it and taking your chances. Others say it's a really bad idea, untested, and not even sure if it will work. I have read on blogs about moms not getting it for their kids after discussing with their doctors and finding that their doctors won't give the shot to their own children, I have read pharmacists won't get the shot unless they are forced to because they know what's in the vaccine (now that's a scary thought!) AND the biggest thing that got me to thinking?????? This is literally the only year where our health insurance company called us to remind us to get our son vaccinated!!!! They did not call when he was a newborn, they did not call when he was a baby getting annual shots. They did not call when he started school and would suddenly be exposed to way more children and germs, they have NEVER, EVER called us EXCEPT when they were doing their surveys to make sure we didn't have other forms of insurance that could help THEM save on costs! Now they are calling me reminding me to get my son vaccinated with what appears to be an experimental vaccine????

HMMMM makes me think SHANANAGANS!

So what are your thoughts??? Will your children be getting the H1N1 vaccine? Help a mom out and give me some thought on this pretty please!

Thoughtful Thursday...a day late

Hubby was home yesterday so I didn't really get around to posting on the blog. He's the kind of guy who wants to be my hero, he wants to protect me from the big bad world...and I love him for it except when it comes to my past.

He always says it's no good to run from your problems, that you have to face them in order to make them go away.....but when I talk about my past he has a contradictory point of view. He doesn't like it when i talk about my life before, my family, growing up in Vermont etc. He doesn't like it because he wasn't able to be there to protect me and stop the hurt. He says I should just forget about it, that was my life then and this is my life now and I should just move on. Although I do agree that moving on is important, lord knows I don't want to be stuck in my past, I do feel it's important to remember my life and try to learn from past mistakes. Not just my past mistakes, but also the mistakes of others. Besides, who I am today has a lot to do with how I grew up. If I had not been abused I might not feel so strongly about certian topics, I might not be as careful about a lot of things, I might be too trusting of strangers and get badly hurt....afterall, if my own parents could do the things to me they did, what would a stranger do??? They don't have an emotional bond, they don't even know my name, they wouldn't miss me if I no longer existed.....not really sure if that was true of my parents either but it's the way we think when we are abused. We love our abusers regardless of how they treat us because they are our parents. Today, I can honestly say that I no longer love my egg donor and my sperm donor, they were merely the pathway to my existance, they were not really parents, but tyrants in my young life. I can understand now...back then I loved them because they were my parents...today I understand they were messed up big time and did not deserve that love.

Anyway, back to hubby, he gets very upset when I talk about my life as a child....even if it's to share one of the few happy childhood memories I have. His face gets tight, his muscles get tense, you can literally see a transformation happening. That look of anger and hatred used to put me back into my zone thinking he was angry with me....now I know he's just angry at my past because he couldn't protect me from the evil. A part of me simply does not understand this train of thought. Shouldn't I be the one who is that angry that they can't even mention it? Shouldn't it be me that gets tense when my life is mentioned? Shouldn't it be me that wants the conversation to stop?? He was born in 1969...2 years before me...what could he haave possibly done to help? How could he have saved me from that pain?? He couldn't, but I shouldn't have to forget that I existed and suffered and (more importantly IMO) I SURVIVED! I am living proof that there is life after child abuse, there is hope. I feel awful for those poor children who are so much worse off than I was, the children who are dead before they have a chance to get out, the children who are returned to their parents because they aren't old enough to have a voice to speak up and say "NO I will not go back!" I don't see how those social workers can be so blind, how they can't see the parents have not fixed their issues....only that the issues were gone when the kids were in foster care. There's an old saying that I once heard about men

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"

Why doesn't that apply to abusers as well? Are there any cases where the parent abuses the child, the child gets taken away, given back and the parent never abuses again??? I doubt it!

"Once an abuser, always an abuser"

Now that makes sense to me.

There are no specific thoughts today, just my random thoughts. Ya'all have a great weekend and hug those babies close 'cause they'll only be little for awhile and one day they're going to understand you a heck of a lot more than you want them to...and when that day happens I hope mine can look back and still say with earnest

"I love you mom!"

I've been tagged :)

I was tagged by Sweet Mama Jones

She's really awesome, you should check her out sometime if you haven't already :)

A - Age: 38 (I know, I'm getting OLD!)

B - Bed size: King

C - Chore you hate: Laundry

D - Dog's name: Gig..official AKC name is Gig A Byte (he was named by my son when we bought him, Orions favorite show was Hotwheels World Race and the inventor of the cars had a pet computer named Gig so that's what he named his dog lol)

E - Essential start your day item: COFFEE,and if I don't have it BEWARE!!!

F - Favorite color: Pink or Purple, it depends on my mood but it's always one of those two

G - Gold or Silver: Gold...if we're talking my hair color lol For jewelry it really doesn't matter, I like them both just fine ;)

H - Height: 5'7" and 1/4 Although I USED to be 5'9"

I - I am: simply me...you don't like that well tough ninnies...go away lol

J - Job: MOM secondary job is Virtual Customer Service Rep.

K - Kids: Not kidS, just one kid and he's awesome (unless you count the hubby who is just a big kid, then yeah I have kidS lol)

L - Living arrangements: I live in a little house with my hubby, my son, 5 cats, a dog and a hamster

M - Mom's name: My egg donor mother was named Fleda, my mom...aka mother in law, her name is Pam

N - Nicknames: Mom, Ma, Deb,

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Emergency appendectomy

P - Pet Peeve: Leaving the cereal bowl in the middle of the living room floor!

Q - Quote from a movie: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. " Inigo Montoya..The Princess Bride

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: LOTS! 3 older brothers, 3 older sisters, 2 younger foster sisters

T - Time you wake up: Whenever the boys (hubby and Orion) kick me out of bed in the morning

U- Underwear: what about em? Yes I wear em, most people do right?

V - Vegetable you dislike: Spinach...ewwww yucky!

W - Ways you run late: Honestly I usually early because I worry so much about being late lol

X - X-rays you've had: Do I really have to list them all??? Let's see...Head, arm, wrist, leg, ankles,back, shoulder, elbow...did I mention my mother was abusive???

Y - Yummy food you make: APPLE PIE!!!! It's to die for!!! I use my Grammy Grace's recipe, I have yet to find a person who doesn't like my pie...even people who don't like pie love my pie!!! When Thanksgiving comes around I'll be baking pies daily for a week because so many people have tried my pie and now buy them off me (great for black friday shopping ;))

Z - Zoo favorite: I love all the animals except the birds that I am deathly allergic to but my all time favorite has to be the White Tiger


OK TAG YOU'RE IT!!!!

Crafty Mummy 2 Two

Pregnant With Cancer

Postcards From Insanity

The Adventures of Mr. Busypants

Thoughtful Thursday

It's funny how life seems to pass us by and before we know it we're getting old, our kids are no longer kids and we find ourselves looking back saying

"WHAT HAPPENED??"

Where does the time go? why does it go by so fast and why is it the older I get the more I find myself asking these very questions??? If I were an everday kind of girl I could turn to my mother for advice, ask her what to do about my son not wanting to stay in bed at night, how to get him to tell the truth even when he thinks he's going to be punished. I could ask her about menopause and the night flashes and how to get through them without driving my husband insane, how to deal with the raging hormones and overall craziness that comes with "the change of life". I could do these things if I were an ordinary girl.....but I'm not and she wasn't an ordinary mother and so I must doggy paddle my way through this thing called motherhood, I must struggle and try to figure out the right way to do it and hope I don't end up with a screwed up grown-up who looks back on his life asking these same kinds of questions. I can only hope that in doing the opposite of what she would have done I manage to get at least some of it right.

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One of the things I remember most about my childhood is the kitchen we had. I know that sounds a bit wierd, but you have to have lived there to understand. First in the corner of the room the ceiling had a big hole in it where you could see the slats of wood and insulation hanging through. Then the floor was covered in this wierd brown stuff that, no matter how much you swept, it always brought up dust and dirt and you could never, EVER, get it clean (which resulted in many hours of sweeping and beatings for not getting clean) The old stove in the corner was the stove behind which, my older sister would hide her egg yolks because she hated yolks and mother wouldn't let you leave until you cleaned your plate. I clearly remember the smell that came from there after awhile when enough egg yolks had been hidden there and they began to rot. Mother would smell it, get mad, pull out the stove, scream, beat and then try to get my poor sister to eat the rotten eggs because it was wasting food! The first time I saw that I made sure my sister never "wasted" another yolk by eatting her yolks for her. I was a good little sister and cleaned the plates of siblings if they didn't want to eat something...probably how I survived as long as I did. I remember mother forcing us to sit at the table and not leave until we had finished every last drop on our plates and if we fell asleep in our plates the food was placed in the fridge where it would be re-served cold and disgusting for breakfast. If we fought and chose not to eat it for breakfast and went off to school hungry, we were served the plate of cold gross food for dinner that night. This cycle could go on for days on end until we broke down and ate the food. We quickly learned tricks for hiding food so we didn't have to eat some of the things she fed us. Dandilion greens was the bane of my existance in my youth, HATED eatting them, they taste gross and bitter but sometimes it was the only thing to eat. My favorite time of year was fall and early winter when we got to go deer hunting and kill something yummy that would feed us for months, provide warmth for our feet in the form of slippers and really fun horns that could become short swords that we could stab each other with or stab at trees or other inanimate objects and pretend they were our mother.

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Dreams are the window to our minds, they show us things about ourselves we may not fully understand. The dreams show our inner-most desires in unusual ways. For instance, I clearly remember this one dream I used to have all the time when I was a little girl. I would be running across the front yard way ahead of my mother who was chasing me. She always had either a rolling pin or a leather belt in her hand and she was always screaming like a mad banshee, nothing comprehendable, just screaming as she chased me. I would get to the edge of the road and pause to look for a car or a truck, anyone to flag down who would be able to save me from this raging woman. No one ever came! I would look over my shoulder and she would be running at me full speed, I knew she was going to quickly catch me so I would start running down the road and as I ran I would flap my arms like a bird, close my eyes and say to myself "I wish I could fly" When I opened my eyes I would be soaring over the telephone poles and electrical wires, looking down I would watch my mother shaking her fists screaming for me to "come down this instant!" But then I would laugh, look away from her and fly off into the mountains where I knew I would be safe and she would never ever find me. I remember that feeling of freedom and comfort, feeling safe and content. But then I would wake up and look around only to realize it was just a dream and I was not safe and no matter how much I wanted it to be different, nothing had changed.

So what does that dream tell me? It tells me that as a child I longed to escape the reality that was my life, I longed to get away and be safe, I wanted to be free of the evilness that I had to live with. I wanted nothing more than pure joy and freedom. I don't really recall exactly when the dream stopped recurring, and just the other day, for some reason I thought about it and tried to pinpoint when I stopped having it. I do remember having it while in foster care, usually before court meetings or DSS meetings. The times when the judge or my social worker would sit down with me, my foster parents, and my mother to decide if I should return home. I guess I dreaded those meetings because I didn't want to go back, I so strongly desired to be free and remain free that the dream world helped me escape for a few blessed hours while I slept. I've come to the conclussion that I must not really mind the life I live now because I have not had that dream in many many years...my dream must have finally come true and I have finally escaped!

Thoughtful Thursday

Do you see this face? Do you see the sadness in the eyes? Do you see the pain hidden deep inside? This was me when I was my sons age.....a sad hurting little girl!

As I go through my life I have always searched for answers to things that had no real answer. Things like....how could my mother beat me? what caused her to be the evil person she was? Why was I molested? Why were my sisters molested? Why didn't anyone look beyond those eyes and lend a hand? I have searched long and hard for these answers...to no avail. But then a part of me sees things in me and I start to think that maybe I can find an answer....

I suffer with PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder ) It's like PMS on steroids! It's horrible, you wake up pissed off and irritated and it does not go away. Your body hurts, you snap at anyone who looks at you...not just the ones who look at you funny. The littlest thing sets you off into a rampage and you end up either screaming and yelling and feeling like hitting someone or you end up bawling your eyes out trying to figure out what the hell the number is to the local psych hospital because you are certian you are going crazy! It starts about 1 to 2 weeks before your lovely friend shows up for her monthly visit and it goes away within a few days of her arrival. I take medication for it because I realized I was turning into my mother and although I NEVER once hit my child, I did yell for no reason and I knew I was hurting him emotionally and I did not want to do that. PMDD did not set in until after my son was born, doctors say the hormonal changes of age and giving birth probably activated it. ANYWAY...I wonder if maybe that is my answer....maybe mother suffered from PMDD too. Maybe it's genetic and she didn't have the modern medical studies on her side. I don't want to make excuses for what she did, but for some reason it helps me to overcome if I can rationalize it to the extent that it was something she couldn't control....like my PMDD. I can only control it with medication.....she didn't have that option.

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One memory I want to talk about today is one that doesn't directly involve me...I had remembered it one way but in talking to my sister recently I have discovered that it is not exactly as I remembered it and I want to put it down so it becomes concrete....because once it's concrete I can then let it go.

This was one of the most scary moments in my life, it was shortly before we were taken into foster care. Big sister #2 had come home from school on the bus, she had flirted with the bus driver (I think they were having relations, but I am not positive about that as I was only 11 and I was out of the loop on relationships at the time) Mother had obviously seen something happen because I remember standing in the living room and mother was beating the crap out of Big sister #2 for being a "devil woman" She was screaming at her, calling her all kinds of names saying she was going to send her to hell to live with the devil...in other words she was going to kill my big sister! I remember big sister #2 spitting in mothers face and that's when it got really bad. Big sister #2 was the responsible one, the one I looked to for mothering...this was not good. Then big sister #3 grabbed mother and tried to pull her off of big sister #2 since big sister #2 was lying on the floor covered in blood and mother was still beating the crap out of her. Mother grabbed the pillow off my bed (remember I slept in the living room) and she put that pillow over big sister #3's face and was determined to kill her right then and there. I was terrified, I remember thinking to myself that if they were killed I would be next or worse I would suffer worse beatings for the rest of my life because she would have less kids to beat on. I remember the fear, my throat closing, having trouble catching my breath. I remember the inability to cry out, to do anything other than watch this horror....then my mothers boyfriend pulled mother off of big sister #3 and saved her life....little did I know that he was also raping her and big sister #2! I now wonder if they would have prefered to die at that moment, were they disappointed that they had been saved to suffer another day??

Initially I had not remembered that day like that. I had somehow blocked out older sister #3, it was older sister #2 who was under the pillow in my memories, it was she who had been saved by mothers boyfriend. Somehow it had been too much for me to watch big sister #3 get hurt in that way. As I talked to her on the phone we talked about our childhood memories and I brought that one up and she corrected me. I think my therapist and myself have been right all along...there is a zone I had/have where I block out the really bad stuff. There is a place inside me that holds the memories correctly and in the right places, I am hoping that in talking to my big sister she can help me fill in the blanks so I can find peace. She and I were very close, I honestly would be lost without her!

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Another memory I want to mention is not a physical abuse nor a sexual abuse story...it is more of a psychological abuse, an example of the mind games mother used to play. I was little, so the details are very vague, I have no reason why she did this, just that it happened. It was confirmed by my sister so I know it did happen.

See I remember one day for whatever reason mother took a shotgun out of the gun cabinet, some bullets and headed to the basement. What I didn't know was that she had also taken a bottle of ketchup down with her. She went into the basement and locked the door, I stood at that door screaming and crying, afterall she was my mother and she was going to kill herself. I did not understand. We heard the gun shot, mother cried out, then we heard her staggering up the steps. She opened the door, there was what I believed to be blood all over her shirt. I screamed, I was histerical...one of those people you want to slap in a horror film! My brothers and sisters were all laughing in her face, they were yelling at me that it was not real, that it was fake. I did not believe them...I was traumatized, probably in some form of shock, I just kept screaming at the top of my lungs and they just kept laughing and yelling that it was not real. Mother got mad because they were laughing, they got into big trouble for it because her nasty mind trick didn't work and she took it that they didn't care about her...I was just a little girl, maybe 4 or 5 years old, I still don't understand how she could do that to me.

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Well that's it for this week. Today is a 1/2 day at school and I have a parent/teacher meeting so I need to get into a shower and get cleaned up so I can look somewhat presentable lol

And the thought for the week....don't play mind games with your kids, it might not work out the way you thought it would. Chances are they're smarter than you think and they'll just laugh in your face. Kudos to my brother and sisters for doing just that!

It's a catastrophy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY COFFEE MAKER DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!

A moment of silence for my poor devoted, hard working coffee maker who has brought me immeasurable amounts of love and enjoyment....I drink A LOT of coffee! My coffee maker has brewed wonderful aromas day and night, it gave me the liquid gold that I desire and savor on a daily basis! If I could have hooked an IV from that brewer to my arm I probably would have LOL seriously I love my coffee. It's not just the caffienne, it's the smell, the way it makes me smile and relax when I smell it, the way the brewer gurgles when it's done brewing. I will miss my coffee maker dearly, I hope I can find another just like it!

It's the end of life as I know it until the 1st of next month when I'll have a big enough paycheck to buy another one...the one coming on the 16th is tiny because I had that bad flu and couldn't work for 10 days due to no voice....yeah that one is barely gonna cover a bill or two and that's it, no coffee maker for me until the bigger check arrives. :(:(:( I don't know if I can survive that long, I might even have to break down and buy ....dare I say it... INSTANT COFFEE! I hate the stuff, but it's probably better than nothing.

I just don't understand.........

When I was a kid and you had school picture day the photographer ALWAYS handed out combs to every child so you could comb your hair and look nice.
Today Orion had school pictures taken and not only did they not hand out any combs but they didn't even have the kids look in a mirror to make sure they looked halfway descent AND they took the photo AFTER recess which means lord only knows what condition he was in when the photo was taken! He's a 9 year old boy who was out at recess in the sun so chances are he was a bit sweaty and his hair was probably a bit disheveled....especially since his hair is on the long side. HOPEFULLY I did not spent $47 on a photo that I would have deleted out of my digital camera! I guess only time will tell **sigh**

What a great day

This morning Orion and I headed down to Lowes to sell some popcorn for Cub Scouts. If you are familiar with cub scouts you'll probably know they sell popcorn every year just like the girl scouts sell their cookies. So we headed down to Lowes to sell some popcorn for Orions pack. We get down there and one of the leaders has a stack of popcorn boxes, no paperwork, no table to display it on, nothing.....so we call our pack master to see what we should do...they are at church and can't really help us out. Basically by the time we got paperwork, envelope for money and a table for displaying we had lost out on 45 minutes of our 2 hour time slot. Orion was behaving AMAZINGLY!!

Did I mention that we woke up late so he did not have any adderrall???

There was supposed to be another boy joining us, but he didn't show up, so Orion started selling and greeting people as they exited Lowe's. In the 1 hour and 15 minutes we were there he made almost $300 in sales by himself! I did not help with anything except managing the money and making change. Orion was the salesman and sold like a pro! He did so good, I was so proud of him! He really gave the pack a good name today and enjoyed selling popcorn so much he asked if he could go back and do it again another weekend!!!! I called our pack master after getting home and asked what was available and he's now scheduled to return to Lowes on Saturday the 17th for some more sales!

Just a quick update...been a long week

The cats are still sick...although they are getting better they are still sneezing up a storm. Rex is doing great, got some sneezies for a day or two but really he was the best one for this...perhaps it's his age and he's received more vaccines than the others or maybe it's the fact that he's the only cat that gets to go outdoors so he has a stronger immune system being exposed to more animals...whatever it is he was the easiest cat by far. Sparky got the bad sneezies and was breathing through his mouth for a couple days but he never stopped eatting or drinking so he's doing great. He still has a couple sneezes a day but nothing major. Clawdia has the sneezing and wheezing, stopped eatting for a few days, but she was eatting today so I am happy about that. She doesn't look like she's lost much weight so I am not too worried. Merlin is doing great, still sneezing but eatting and drinking fine. Martin is my biggest concern. He hasn't eatten food in about 4 1/2 days! He has clearly lost weight, he does drink water which is good, but he worries me none the less. He is no longer breathing through his mouth, but his eyes water so much he looks like he's crying (luckily it's clear liquid so probably not bacterial) and he's sneezing still. Orion did manage to get one little piece of cheese into him today so I am hoping that means he's going to start eatting soon!

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On a different note, my older sister called me up and we talked on the phone for nearly an hour. I haven't talked to her in a few years and it was nice to laugh with her once again. She and I think a lot alike! She's the one I would normally refer to as older sister #3 :) She's 3 years older than me, we went through a lot of things similar...she was molested by older brother #2 but not by my father...however she was molested by our mothers boyfriend who only got to me once. She and I used to laugh and giggle a lot, I was there with her when her first 2 were born, helped her out when the second one came along and she really needed someone, we were very close for many years. She moved far away, I moved and we somehow lost contact...we found each other through facebook and have reconnected...it's really nice!
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Well I'm off to work, gotta go try to make some money lol Hope everyone has a great weekend :)