I remember the excitement I felt once I finally collected enough to actually buy that diary. It was purple with the word "diary" written across the front in cursive. It had a little silver key that fit the lock to keep it private (little did I realize that all those keys were the same and one could open any lock) I remember running home with my new diary thinking of all the things I could put into it, stuff that no one needed to know about and Sissy would surely tease me about if I tried to talk to her about. Stuff like boys that I thought were cute and wished beyond measure that I could talk to or how I wished I could somehow get smart enough to get through algebra. I wanted to write about my feelings, I wanted to write about life, I wanted to just write. I wanted to write stories of my life the way V. C. Andrews could write. I dreamed all the way home.
Of course one day Sissy found my beautiful diary and, as I had suspected she would, she teased me about the things that were in there. She laughed at me and even worse, she told her best friend about the things I had written in there and the two of them laughed about it together. I guess I wasn't quite as good as V.C. Andrews and she was a typical big sister who had found her little sister's weakness.
Those days are long gone, and I journal here now on this blog. I sometimes still worry about what others might think of me or that they might laugh at what I have to say, so I filter more than I ever did in that tiny diary. I find no need to hide it under my mattress nor do I lock it up with a key. My words are here for anyone who might stumble upon them and all I can do is hope that for every one that laughs there is also one who might be helped by reading my words. Of course I also am trying to help myself as well, I write to feel better, to release the yucky stuff that's inside so that I can fill those places with happy thoughts, happy memories, happy feelings for others. It is my hope that week by week, post by post, I replace all that bad with good. If I do not release it, it stays inside me and lingers there in the dark places created by my youth. If I do release it, I can illuminate that dark spot with the joy and happiness that my new world creates. My small diary did that when I was young, my blog does it now. I feel as if, since I began blogging about my life, that I have become a better and happier person on the whole. Don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days, times where I don't even want to be around me and I feel sorry for those who have to live with me. That's called menopause and there's not much I can do about it until it's over. I work hard to overcome it, I apologize when I am being "evil", and I journal in my blog because blogging makes me feel better.
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I wanted to post Thoughtful Thursday this past week, but for some reason I could not access the site to post. I kept trying all day Thursday and Friday, but alas the screen sat there doing nothing and then timed out. I was glad to get on today and share some thoughts. I hope everyone has a nice Memorial Day weekend and has some nice weather to go with it. Don't forget to Thank A Soldier, they are the reason you are here and free to have things like blogs and Facebook. If you don't know a soldier personally, just be thankful in your heart that there are those out there who are willing to fight for your rights, for your freedom, for you!
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